Money's short,
   and times are hard.
So here's your fucking
   Christmas card.

Twas the night before Christmas,
   and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty,
   even the mouse. 

Mom at the whorehouse,
   Dad smoking grass.
I'd just settled down,
   for a nice peace of ass.
 
When out on the lawn,
   i heard such a clatter.
I sprung from my piece,
   to see whats the matter. 

Then out on the lawn,
   i saw a big dick.
I knew in a moment,
   it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney,
   like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a moment,
   the old fucker fell.

He filled all our stockings,
   with pretzels and beer.
And a big rubber dick,
   for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney,
ÊÊÊwith a thunderous fart.
The son of a bitch,
   blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed,
   as he rode out of sight.
Piss on you all,
   and have a good night.