A doctor with a mean sense of humor goes to meet her new patient in the exam room. First thing she says: "Well, Mr. Smith, as we discussed, you will experience some short-term memory loss." -- This university never fails to amuse me. We've had the Health Students Association selling french fries, a car smash against violence, and now the Forest Society is selling Christmas trees. Kinda make me wonder. -- I was trying to find a certain command line switch for Omen Technology's sz program (A Unix Z-modem transfer program), I tried "sz -h" and got the help screen I wanted. At the bottom of the screen was the following line: Tech support hotline: 900-737-7836 (1-900-737-RTFM) $4.69/min. -- What did the Catholic Church call its new fat-free, low-calorie communion wafer? "I can't believe it's not Jesus!" -- A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" ( British Police Wit). Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed. ***** Gee Officer, sorry about your patrol car........ -- A dear friend sent this to me recently, I do not know the author... There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appoint- ment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps andy transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the vaious documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's and 'R'!!!" "Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate!" -- Retold from a report read in the S.F. Chronicle, Jan 24: On the morning of Jan. 23rd, a woman paid a friend $10 to drive her to Oakland and wait in the car while she cashed a check at the bank around the corner. A few minutes later, pursued by armed security guards, the woman ran back to the car and jumped in. As they pulled away, the woman told her friend that she had just robbed the bank. The friend, displaying the most presence of mind of anyone in this whole sordid saga, stopped the car and ordered the woman out. With wads of cash still in her hands, the woman ran down the street, trying to flag down and steal a passing car. One of the drivers she flagged must have seen what she was carrying, because he leaped out of his car, punched her, and grabbed most of the money. As the two wrestled in the middle of the street, police arrived and arrested both of them. The woman was charged with bank robbery and attempted auto theft, and the man she tried to flag down was charged with robbing *her*. Police said this was the first robbery suspect they could recall who got robbed during commission of the crime. And on top of that, the robber *paid* to earn this dubious distinction. On the bright side, she's got a really good shot at getting on The Late Show for the next installment of Stupid People Tricks ... -- An amazing discovery was made today when land was found under the snow in Dayton, Ohio. Although there have been rumors for several weeks that there was actual ground under the snow, most residents were sceptical because there was no real evidence to back up these claims. However, after the third grueling day of temperatures above freezing, enough snow had melted so that patches of earth showed through. Initially, it was thought that these dark patches were just a new form of snow, but scientists from Ohio State University have verified that this is actual dirt. Long time residents in the area were not suprised because they claimed they could remember back to when the ground was not snow covered. Historians are going back through the archives in the Dayton library to discover when the ground was last seen. Based on the evidence, several retailers in the area have announced plans to add new products, such as lawn mowers and gardening tools, to their inventory. Other retailers are taking a wait-and-see attitude to see if the ground will actually be visible enough to justify expanding their line of merchandise. -- I saw in the newspaper yesterday that British researchers have discovered the first computer virus designed specifically to attack Windows 95. My immediate reaction was "Well, _that's_ certainly redundant." -- Heard in the office: One day the Alaskans got so tired of hearing Texas brag about how big Texas is that they threatened to split Alaska in half and make Texas the *third* largest state.