[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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Here in Wisconsin, our beloved Gov. Tommy Thompson is having a veto-fest at the
capitol.  So far, he's cut over 400 items from the current budget with no signs
of stopping.  On Aug 1st, The Green Bay Press-Gazette, a nationally respected 
newspaper, carried the story on page 1.  The 2-inch headline was supposed to 
read:
                           THOMPSON'S PEN IS A SWORD

Unfortunately, the spacing was a bit off, so unsuspecting Green Bay readers 
sat down with their morning coffee to learn:

                            THOMPSON'S PENIS A SWORD

It gave me a newfound respect for the guy.

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On the news this morning, Florida governor Chiles defended his state's
sale of 188 permits to hunters to kill up to 15 alligators each by
saying that the income would be used for the Alligator Protection
Program.  Protection from what?

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I stepped into a fast food place for lunch the other day.

I ordered a bacon cheeseburger, to which the waitress replied: "Would you like
bacon on that sir?"

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Sign seen in the State College, PA Cineplex theater Marquee:

	101 DALMATIONS
	 DYING YOUNG
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I went to USC this morning doing my library search for articles on user
interfaces. I saw rows of computers set there for on-line data base
browsing. I sat there, logged in, chose Computer Science category,
typed in "user interface" as key word for subject and I got a list of
"hit records". One of the records says this: "Title: Do It Yourself ---
Repairing Broken Windows."

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The Payne Elevator Company office in Cambridge, Mass. is in a
single-story building.

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From:      news
To:        usenet
Date:      Wed, 17 Jul 91 05:47:14 PDT

expire problems:
expire: bad expiry date in `<1991Jul16.123632.27886@bronze.ucs.india...',
expire:  specifically, `whenTheUniverseExplodesIntoNothingness' -- ignored

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License plate seen in the parking lot at the local mall:

        "I have PMS and I carry a handgun."

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Saw this sign today...

	   FREE CHECKING FOR 117 YEARS

	       Limited Time Offer

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I read this somewhere.

You know how most laundromats have a number on each machine?  At one apartment
complex, they gave each machine in the laundry room a name, to make it easier
to remember when reporting difficulties.  This led to the following note
appearing on the superintendent's door:

	Alice gets hot but won't tumble.

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Our submission for the "Chicken Little" award for computer
advertising:

From the July 8th edition of "Federal Computer Week", page 36: 

    "The PS:Refillable Cartridge can be used with nearly
     all ... laser printers ... It is refillable by the
     user and never leaves the user's premises, insuring
     that data security is never compromised."

Laser printer toner cartridges do contain the printer drum.  On
laser toner cartridges the drum is 2 - 3 cm in diameter.  By
dint of extraordinary effort, you should be able to reconstruct
the last 1/3 of the last page to be printed ...

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This came to me through a twisty little maze of forwarded messages:

Your ever vigilant west coast reporter is pleased to report the following
(New Scientist, 6 July):

A new international condom standard has been agreed upon: ISO 4074, after
concluding 15 years of debate.  Now Japanese, UK, US and ISO standards all
specify a minimum dimension of 160 mm. The new ISO standard prescribes
air-testing with a minimum volume and bursting pressure requirement to
reflect a minimum of 20N (N = newtons, for the software types and other
peasants) axial force.

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   After a round of thunderstorms hit most of the USA on Tuesday, the 11 PM
news had an interesting report: the usual set of today's highs and lows,
rainfall amounts, and so on; a few satellite photos; some local interest shots.
Then the weather guy got to the forecast: NONE.
   The National Weather Bureau's main forecasting station in D.C. was struck by
lightning, taking out all their computers.  No data, no crunchers, no forecast.

   But we did have a red sky at night, and the satellite photos helped.

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This is a true story told to me by a guy at work...

He was driving around Atlanta at around 80mph, when he got pulled over by 
a cop.

The cop struts up to the car (wearing his sunglasses that are mirrored on
the inside) and says, "Do y'know you were goin' a bit fast, son?"

My friend looked up at the cop, and replied, "Gee, officer, I had an itch on
my dick, and had to move my leg to scratch it."

To which the cop responds, "Well, shit, son!  That happens to me all the time!"

My friend got out of two speeding tickets in Georgia using this tactic...

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Background ->  I had ordered 5 CDs from Columbia House.  They only shipped
4, however, demanding payment before sending the fifth.  On the invoice
was stated:
"We must limit the amount of open charges.  We are,
therefore, holding SOME GIRLS until your balance has
been paid... "
I quickly submitted the ransom... 
Amy
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From the top of the United Airlines flight safety brochure:

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for
 assistance."
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Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in
Mountain View, CA:

        +---------------------------+
        | PUSH                      |
        | If that doesn't work then |
        | PULL                      | 
        | If that doesn't work then | 
        | We're closed.             |
        +---------------------------+

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I called AAA to ask for an insurance quote, and their representative
said:

"I'm sorry, but the person I have available isn't available right now.
Could I have someone call you back?"

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This sign was on a church door on Main Street, Waltham
Massachusetts USA.  (The sign is gone now, but it used
to be a solid brass job with three-dimensional letters,
like a bank sign.)

              ________________________
              |                      |
              |    Family Planning   |
              |                      |
              |   Use Rear Entrance  |
              |                      |
              ________________________
 
Honest.

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For a few years a road near my parents house had the standard
"Speed Limit 35" sign, with a smaller sign underneath which read:

"Speed monitered by ESP device."

I really wonder what would have happened if someone had challenged
that in court.