From - Fri Oct 16 09:50:15 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA09713 for ; Thu, 15 Oct 1998 23:50:30 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:41:44 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDJQA>; Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:44:08 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F582A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 10/15/98 Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:44:05 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5002 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, October 15, 1998 9:50 AM > To: Al Heires; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kathy > Gilfillan; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark > Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott > McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 10/15/98 > > ********************************************************************** > ** > > Subject: HUM: Interesting Facts (***) > Some incredibly interesting facts to get you through the week: > > 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 > > If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in > the > air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the > air, > the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse > has > all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. > > No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and > purple. > > Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people > without > killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to > get > fired." > > Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". > > There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. > > Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, > John > Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but > the > last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. > > "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. > > The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the > South > Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber > machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded > into > the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got > "the > whole 9 yards." > > The most common name in the world is Mohammed. > > The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." > > The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. > > The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. > > Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. > > Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. > The > conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic > stopped > as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent > accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been > too > sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover. > > The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War > II > killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. > > Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice." > > In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." > > Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." > > More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. > > The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from > Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye > gouging." > Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was > to > poke someone's eye out. > > A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. > > The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. > > Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them > looks > like it's kissing the conveyor belt. > > Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. > > Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. > > The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which > stated > that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. > > An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. > > The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. > > ********************************************************************** > *** > > Subject: A Question of Faith (not offensive) > > A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went > to > see his Rabbi about it. > > "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, > cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has > decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" > > "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought > my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, > then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a > Christian." > > "What did you do?" asked the Lawyer. > > "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. > > "And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer. > > "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' " > > ********************************************************************** > **** > > > From - Fri Oct 16 09:50:16 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA09992 for ; Thu, 15 Oct 1998 23:52:55 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:44:10 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDJQB>; Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:46:26 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F582B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Extra Joke From Dad! Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:46:23 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3470 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, October 15, 1998 10:59 AM > To: Al Heires; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kathy > Gilfillan; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark > Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott > McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Extra Joke From Dad! > > > >The Refrigerator > > > >Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. > >Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter > >had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close > >to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who > >have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" > > > >So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected > >my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early > >to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor > >apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my > >searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could > >have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and > >sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 > >floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started > >beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, > >he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my > >apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his > >fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he > >let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into > >the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, > >so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw > >it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him > >instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I > >had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." > > > >"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and > >let the man in. > > > >The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about > >heaven being full, and again asks for his story. > > > >"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th > >floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my > >exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have > >slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I > >got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the > >floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, > >when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I > >thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on > >me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran > >into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started > >pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I > >got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all > >right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, > >this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes > >me instantly, and now I'm here." > > > >Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a > >pretty horrible death. > > > >The third man came to the front of the line, and again the > >whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was > >full and asked for his story. > > > >"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside > >a refrigerator..." > > > Scott D. Lufkin > Waterloo Outbound Technician > Ron Weber & Associates > > From - Fri Oct 16 09:50:17 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA10660 for ; Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:03:40 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:54:57 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDJQH>; Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:57:18 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F582F@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 10/14/98 Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:57:15 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 8287 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin=20 > Sent: Wednesday, October 14, 1998 10:53 AM > To: Al Heires; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kathy > Gilfillan; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark > Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott > McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 10/14/98 >=20 > = ********************************************************************** > ********************************************************** > 20 More Ways To Confuse Your Roommate > 1. Every morning, when you get up, say, "Well, time to go to class." > Sit on your bed and act like you're turning your room key in the > ignition. Then act like you're driving, turning an invisible steering > wheel and making, "Rrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrr" engine sounds. Then, > one day, chug a few beers before "driving" to class. Make the > "Rrrrrrrrrrr" sounds, and then say, "Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech" and act > like you've had a car accident. Fling yourself off the bed and across > the room, and pretend to be hurt. Spend the day in bed with an = icepack > on your forehead.=20 > 2. Whenever your roommate sneezes, immediately call the Rescue Squad > and report that your roommate is spreading a highly contagious, > infectious disease around the building. If your roommate protests, go > on a tangent about health codes.=20 > 3. Every night, when you do your homework, put a balloon on the chair > before you sit down. When the balloon breaks, act like you've been > startled. Scream continuously for two minutes. Then, stop suddenly, > and start on your homework, as if nothing happened.=20 > 4. Wear earmuffs, all the time. Act like you can never understand = what > your roommate is saying. Pick up the phone at random, say "Hello?", > and act confused, as if you don't understand why nobody's there. > Answer the door at random, as if somebody had knocked, and look = around > the hallway as if somebody's supposed to be there. After about a = week, > stop wearing the earmuffs, and advise your roommate to never buy a > hearing aid at a garage sale.=20 > 5. When you return from a class, instead of opening the door, break = it > down with a big piece of lumber. Tell your roommate you forgot your > key.=20 > 6. Every night, when your roommate comes home, wait on the other side > of the door. When your roommate opens the door, act like he/she hit > you in the head, and that you've been knocked unconscious. Spend the > night sleeping on the floor. After about a week, go to bed as you > normally would. Complain loudly that you can't sleep.=20 > 7. Get lots of tomatoes. Sit with them in a corner of the room and > have secret meetings. Inform your roommate that you have been > nominated for president of the tomatoes. Put up campaign posters > around the room. Select one tomato to be your campaign manager. Make > speeches in front of the tomatoes. Then, one day, when your roommate > comes back, give him/her a jar of tomato sauce, go on a tirade about > fixed elections, and tell him/her that you really didn't want to be > president of the tomatoes anyway.=20 > 8. Get a hamster. Keep it in a cage, with a little exercise wheel. > Whenever the hamster runs in the wheel, stand next to the cage and = jog > in place. Tell your roommate that the hamster is your "personal > trainer." Someplace outside the room, let your roommate catch you > eating a candy bar. Beg him/her not to tell the hamster about it.=20 > 9. After you take a shower, instead of drying yourself with a towel, > stand in the middle of the room and spin around 100 times. Spend an > hour in bed, complaining that you feel dizzy and sick.=20 > 10. Chew gum often. When you're finished chewing it, store it in a > drawer until you've amassed a huge wad of used gum. If your roommate > inquires, go on a tangent about recycling. When the gum wad gets big > enough, sit it in front of the TV and let it watch cartoons. Complain > to your roommate that the gum wad never watches anything educational. = > 11. Stick your head out the door and announce whatever your roommate > is doing to the rest of the building. "He/She's getting out a book!" > "He/She's taking out his/her glasses!" Go around the building and = take > requests for what people would like your roommate to do. Report the > results to your roommate.=20 > 12. Bring your roommate gifts, but act angry and upset when you give > them to him/her. If your roommate inquires, yell at him/her and shout > "It is better to give than to receive, you stupid moron!"=20 > 13. Get a duck. While your roommate is out, put on some dance music, > and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, let = him/her > catch you dancing with the duck. Act surprised, turn off the music, > and immediately go to bed. Get rid of the duck, and refuse to ever > acknowledge that the incident occurred.=20 > 14. Turn out all the lights, and wait for your roommate to come home. > When he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a golf club. > Apologize, and explain that you thought he/she was a burglar.=20 > 15. Make your roommate show you two forms of ID before you let = him/her > use the telephone, microwave, etc. If he/she ever refuses, scream for > help, and accuse your roommate of being an impostor.=20 > 16. Whenever your roommate wears something red, act like a bull and > charge him/her with your head, knocking him/her down if possible. > Suggest that your roommate sign up for matador lessons.=20 > 17. If your roommate snores, make a tape recording of it. Play it at > full volume out your window. Tell your roommate that you're trying to > summon a hippopotamus.=20 > 18. Every time you want to leave the room, stand and knock at the = door > until someone in the hall lets you out. If your roommate inquires, > give him/her a lecture on politeness.=20 > 19. Collect various types of insects. Keep them in jars. Complain to > your roommate that the insects seem lethargic. Start running bingo > games for the insects. One day, while your roommate is out, release > the insects and paint insect bites and bee stings on your body. When > your roommate returns, advise him/her to never cheat while playing > with bingo-obsessed bugs.=20 > 20. Get an extension cord. Put one end in your mouth, and plug the > other end into the wall each night while you do your homework. If = your > roommate asks about it, act as though you're ashamed for having been > so foolish. The next day, pretend to drink some gasoline before doing > your homework, and explain to your roommate that gas is cheaper than > electricity.=20 > = ********************************************************************** > ****************************************************************** > A Day at the Races > Horses in the race are: > 1. Passionate Lady > 6. Clean Sheets > 2. Bare Belly > 7. Thighs > 3. Silk Panties > 8. Big Johnson > 4. Conscience > 9. Heavy Bosum > 5. Jockey Shorts > 10. Merry Cherry >=20 > At the Post >=20 > They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and > Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. > Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very > tight spot. >=20 > At the Halfway Mark >=20 > It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed = in. > Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate = Lady > and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under > terrific pressure from Big Johnson. >=20 > At The Stretch=20 >=20 > Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final > drive. Passionate Lady is coming. >=20 > At The Finish >=20 > Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes > everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Bi > gJohnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and > Thighs pullup. Clean Sheets never had a chance......... >=20 > = ********************************************************************** > = ********************************************************************** > *********** >=20 >=20 From - Thu Oct 22 12:07:08 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA04241 for ; Thu, 22 Oct 1998 00:49:35 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Thu, 22 Oct 1998 01:37:13 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDMT4>; Thu, 22 Oct 1998 01:43:06 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F5857@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 10/21/98 Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998 01:43:06 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5544 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Wednesday, October 21, 1998 12:02 PM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 10/21/98 > > ********************************************************************** > *** > The Lucky Frog > > A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on > the > second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He > `thinks > nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" > The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." > > He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his > other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from > the > cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. `You > must > be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." > > The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do > you > think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 > wood > and Boom! Hole in one. > > The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the > day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the > frog, > "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to > Las > Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. > Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do > you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." > Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, > the > man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back > across > the table. > > The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He > sits > the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've > won > me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, > "Ribbit, > Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he > deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old > girl. > > "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." > > ********************************************************************** > **** > > > > Subject: Test Answers > > A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, > etc., > submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, > high > school, and college students. > > As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young > scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." > > "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" > > "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test > tube" > > "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" > > "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure > gin. > Hydrogin is gin and water." > > "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." > > "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." > > "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then > expectoration." > > "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." > > "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead > of > the bull." > > "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes > them > perspire" > > "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." > > "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like > umbrellas." > > "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." > > "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out > and > the outsides > have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch > meat to." > > "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, > two molars, > and eight cuspidors." > > "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends > towards the > moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a > vacuum. I > forget where the sun joins in this fight." > > "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it > is." > > "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." > > "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." > > "Liter: A nest of young puppies." > > "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." > > "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." > > "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." > > "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." > > "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." > > "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is > affirmative or > negative." > > "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." > > "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the > heart stops." > > "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not > recovered, then > kill it." > > "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in > your > throat." > > "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." > ********************************************************************** > ********** > From - Fri Oct 23 00:40:43 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA07912 for ; Thu, 22 Oct 1998 23:49:25 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Fri, 23 Oct 1998 00:37:01 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDN3T>; Fri, 23 Oct 1998 00:42:57 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F5859@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 10/22/98 Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998 00:42:54 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3797 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, October 22, 1998 10:40 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 10/22/98 > > ********************************************************************** > ** > Subject: "Gang" Math Test > A typical New York Math Proficiency test: > > 1. Johnny has an AK-47 with two 40 round clips taped together. If he > > misses 6 out of each 10 shots, and shoots an average of 13 rounds > at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he > attend before he has to reload? > > 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8 ball to Jackson > for $220.00 and 3 grams to Billy for $95.00 per gram. What > is the street value of the balance of the coke if he doesn't > cut it? > > 3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $50.00 per > trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus > can pay for his $900.00 per day crack habit? > > 4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make a 20% > profit. How many ounces of "out" will he need? > > 5. Willis gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $50.00 for a Chevy, > and $100.00 for a 4X4. How many Chevy's will he have to > steal to make $600.00? > > 6. Raoul is in prison for six years for murder. He got > $10,000.00 for the hit. If his girlfriend is spending > $135.00 per month on alcohol, how much money will be left > when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get > for killing the bitch who spent his money? > > 7. If the average spray can covers 11 square feet and the > average letter is 1.2 square feet, how many letters can > Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint? > > 8. Hector has knocked up four girls in his gang. If there are > 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the gang has Hector > knocked up? > > ********************************************************************** > ******* > > Subject: Alligator Man... > > At the circus the Alligator man came into the ring. In a loud, > confidant > voice he announced that he would put his private parts into the mouth > of > an alligator. The 'gator would then clamp it's mouth tight shut but > the > Alligator man would neither flinch nor make a sound ... he was immune > to > pain. Furthermore, when the 'gaitor opened it's mouth again his > privates > would be undamaged. > > With a roll of the drums he did indeed put his rather magnificent > member > into the mouth of the alligator, which immediately clamped it's jaws > shut. Every man in the audience winced, and every woman looked > impressed. > > After a few seconds the 'gaitor man punched the alligator hard in the > eye, it opened its mouth in surprise, and he walked around the ring > showing a totally undamaged member. > > To show that it was not just a freak he repeated the process with > another 'gaitor, again punching it hard in the eye to make it release > him. Then he loudly proclaimed that he dared anybody in the audience > to > try to emulate the performance. Every man in the audience immediately > crossed his legs and tried not to catch his eye. After several seconds > a > little old lady, about 4ft tall and looking at least 100, stood up and > said. > > "I don't mind trying as long as you don't punch me so hard in the > eye". > > ********************************************************************** > *** > From - Tue Oct 20 11:12:26 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA12418 for ; Tue, 20 Oct 1998 00:16:12 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 20 Oct 1998 01:07:24 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDLC6>; Tue, 20 Oct 1998 01:09:47 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F5837@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Money... Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 01:09:46 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1148 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, October 19, 1998 7:44 AM > To: Al Heires; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kathy > Gilfillan; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark > Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott > McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: FW: Money... > > If Dilbert says so, it must be true. . . > > > Dilbert's Salary Law: Engineers vs. Executives > > > Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as > business execs. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains > why this is true. > > Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. > Postulate 2: Time is Money. > > As every engineer knows, Work / Time = Power. > > Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have: Work / > Money = Knowledge. > > Solving for Money, we get: Work / Knowledge = Money. > > Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches > infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done. > > From - Tue Oct 20 11:12:27 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA12830 for ; Tue, 20 Oct 1998 00:24:25 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 20 Oct 1998 01:15:39 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDLDD>; Tue, 20 Oct 1998 01:17:59 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F5838@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: You Think You Had a Bad Day? (fwd) Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 01:17:58 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2529 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, October 19, 1998 12:54 PM > To: Al Heires; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kathy > Gilfillan; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark > Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott > McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: You Think You Had a Bad Day? (fwd) > > > If you don't read any of the others--read the last! > ----------You think YOU had a bad day > > I guess it could be worse... > > 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez > oil > spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most > expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid > cheers > and > applause from onlookers. A minute later both were eaten by a killer > whale. > > 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a > carpenter > in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks > of > > needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her > mentally impaired. > > 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world > flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight > hours > short of the record of 400 days only to find that his sponsor had > gone > > bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had > been > disconnected. > > 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking > frantically > with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the > electric > skillet. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she > whacked > him with a plank of wood that had been standing by the back door, > breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been > happily > listening to his Walkman. > > 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of > sending > pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all > two > > thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, > trampling > the two hapless protesters to death. > > And the capper....... > > 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a > letter > bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting > it > was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. > From - Tue Oct 27 09:37:30 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA24160 for ; Tue, 27 Oct 1998 01:26:36 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Tue, 27 Oct 1998 02:14:09 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDP1S>; Tue, 27 Oct 1998 02:20:07 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F587A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: rules of life... Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 02:20:05 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5827 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, October 23, 1998 10:14 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: rules of life... > > A Note to the ladies who read the jokes at the end... I must say I am > deeply offended at the treatment of women and that those views are not > common among us men! (How was that honey?) :-) > > > Subject: It took the author 50 years to learn all this: > > 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of > helicopters in it. > > 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling > reason why we observe daylight-saving time. > > 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent > sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. > > 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is > entertainment. > > 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely > suggests > you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging > from > her at that moment. > > 6. A penny saved is worthless. > > 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never > be > peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now when the Earth is > hurtling toward the sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet > except for microorganisms, the microorganisms in the Middle East will > be > bitter enemies. > > 8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip. > > 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, > gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep > down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers. > > 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to > make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. > > 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." > > 12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost > never > want you to share yours with them. > > 13. Nobody is normal. > > 14. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very > excited and announce one of the following things: * The universe is > even > bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles > than > they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming > is wrong. > > 15. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race > has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that > word > would be "meetings." > > 16. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite > of > what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement > says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is > desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other > Oldsmobiles, > appeals primarily to old farts like your father. > > 17. The same principle used for advertising products seems to apply to > political advertising as well. If a politician ever ran for president > under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants > Attention," > I would quit my job to work for his campaign. > > 18. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all > of > its glories, and He decides to deliver His message to humanity, He > will > not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. > > 19. You should not confuse your career with your life. > > 20. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice > person. > > 21. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it way > too > seriously. > > 22. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one > individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. > Very > often, that individual is crazy. > > 23. Your friends love you anyway. > > 24. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. > > Men Unite!! > After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone > finally fought back..... > > How many men does it take to open a beer? > None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. > > Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? > Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will > never be able to support you. > > Why do women have smaller feet than men? > So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. > > How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? > When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." > > How do you fix a woman's watch? > You don't. There's a clock on the oven! > > Why do men pass gas more than women? > Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. > > If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling > at the front door, who do you let in first? > The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. > > All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can > tell them apart. > > What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > A woman that won't do what she's told. > > What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. > > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was > Always. > > I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to > interrupt her. > > What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? > Divorced. > > Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the > same. > > Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a > woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake > From - Wed Oct 28 10:55:28 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA07107 for ; Wed, 28 Oct 1998 00:03:02 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Wed, 28 Oct 1998 00:50:31 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDP6A>; Wed, 28 Oct 1998 00:56:22 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F5880@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: business vocabulary Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998 00:56:19 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4988 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 11:05 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: business vocabulary > > > Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline > was > missed or a project failed and who was responsible. > > Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their > beepers > go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, > goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. > > Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles. > > Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, > looking > for references to one's own name. > > Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's > heads > pop up over the walls to see what's going on. > > Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators > running. > > Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato. > > CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an > ill-advised activity. (Trashing your boss while he or she is within > earshot > is a serious CLM.) > > Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize > you've > just made a big mistake. > > SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. > > Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny. > > Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation > from > their jobs - "We had three serious students in the class; the rest > were > tourists." > > Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from > the > experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. ("I've > been > dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time > this > week.") > > World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW. > > CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills > and > charisma of a plastic action figure. > > Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered > by > addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ("I spent six > hours > surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.") > > Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's > rule > of conduct. ("Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse > arrest.") > > Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular > pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. ("Didn't he notice > that > half the room was glazing by the second session?") > > Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in > both > paper and electronic forms (As in: "The dead tree edition of the San > Francisco Chronicle...") > > Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer > that's > processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep > across > the screen). ("I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, > thanks to > that CAD rendering.") > > Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute. > > Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. ("Crew and > talent > are ready ... what time do we squirt the bird?") > > Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a > long > time. A dead web page. > > It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used > sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to > gloss > over. > > Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on > computer > keyboards. ("Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a > bad > case of keyboard plaque.") > > > Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in > an > office or work group. ("Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here.") > > Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above > the > rank and file. (Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often > profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were > designed > to solve.) > > Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young > entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and > established. > > Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the > employee > headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. > > 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message > "404 > Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located. > ("Don't > bother asking him, he's 404.") > > Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity - Barney the > dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993. > From - Thu Oct 29 10:25:03 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA07262 for ; Thu, 29 Oct 1998 01:09:54 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 29 Oct 1998 01:57:25 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDQZV>; Thu, 29 Oct 1998 02:03:21 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F589C@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: things that make you go hmmmm... Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 02:03:19 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2868 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Wednesday, October 28, 1998 8:50 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: things that make you go hmmmm... > > > > If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have > produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. > > If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is > produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. > > The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the > body to squirt blood 30 feet. > > Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (so > what are you waiting for?) > > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for > pleasure. > > On average people fear spiders more than they do death. ( > > The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. > > It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. > > You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. > > Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. > > Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. > > Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne > cork than by a poisonous spider? > > Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than > left-handed people do. > > In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, > including their eyebrows and eyelashes. > > A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. > > A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. > > The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its > own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. > (Ever seen a drunk ant?) > > Polar bears are left handed. > > The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish > rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. > > The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human > jumping the length of a football field. > > A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it > starves to death. > > The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached > to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. > Sound like a girl you know?) > > A gorilla's penis is 1/3 the length of that of a humans. > > Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Hopefully with more than one > lioness!) > > Butterflies taste with their feet. > > Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully) > > A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. > > An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. > > Starfishes haven't got brains. > > > From - Sat Oct 31 07:35:56 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA03918 for ; Fri, 30 Oct 1998 23:54:01 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 00:41:24 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDSG0>; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 00:47:15 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F58BC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Engineering Joke ! -Forwarded Date: Sat, 31 Oct 1998 00:47:14 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 7459 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, October 30, 1998 7:11 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: Engineering Joke ! -Forwarded > > Some of you may not understand the terminology, but you will all get > the gist of it! > :) > > Thanks to my Pappy for this one! > > > > >Toaster Software Development Project History > > > >Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully > >brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's > >engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. > >All of us in the design department have the utmost respect for him, > >so I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer on the new > >Acme 2000 Toaster. > > > >Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing > >vice president today to hammer out the project's requirements and > >specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to > >low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 > >(100,000). I've identified the critical issue in the new design: a > >replacement for the timing spring we've used since the original 1922 > >model. Research with the focus groups shows that consumers set high > >expectations for their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbucks > >goes best with a precise level of toast browning. The Acme 2000 will > >give our customers the breakfast experience they desire. I estimated > >a design budget of $21,590 for this project and final delivery in > >seven weeks. I'll need one assistant designer to help with the > >drawing packages. This is my first chance to supervise! > > > >Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all, it's a > >well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is almost $1.50 > >lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which was completed just > >12 days after we started, has been servicing the employee cafeteria > >for a week without a single hiccup. Toast quality exceeds > >projections. > > > >Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense > >contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme stock > >sold to the Mackenzie family in the '50s. At a company wide > >meeting, corporate assured us that this sale was only an investment > >and that nothing will change. > > > >Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toast-timing > >mechanism to Ms. Primrose, the new engineering auditor. The single > >spring and four interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me. > > > >Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run of > >500 toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the engineering > >effort. My new assistant did a wonderful job. > > > >Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his > >office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on high > >feel that the Acme 2000 is obsolete - something about using springs > >in the silicon age. I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked > >at using a microprocessor but figured that an electronic design would > >exceed our cost target by almost 50% with no real benefit in terms > >of toast quality. "With a computer, our customers can load the bread > >the night before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of > >toast when they awaken," Bob intoned, as if reading from a script. > > > >Day 48: Bill Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my idea > >of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower if we're > >gonna program this puppy in C," he said, while I stared fascinated > >at the old crumbs stuck in his wild beard. "Time-to-market, you know. > >Delivery is due in three months. We'll just pop this cool new > >8-bitter I found into it, whip up some code, and ship to the end > >user." > > > >Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my > >mechanical-design abilities. Bill convinced management that the old > >spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I've designed > >a "motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive. > >Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock micro switches ensure that the > >heaters won't come on unless users properly insert the toast. We're > >seeing some reliability problems due to the temperature extremes, but > >I'm sure we can work those out. > > > >Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. > >We've replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-architecture, 16-bit, > >3-MIPS CPU. > > > >Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. > > > >Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a > >graphical user interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna need > >some horsepower to drive that," Bill warned us. "I recommend a 386 > >with a half-meg of RAM." He went back to design Revision J of the > >PC board. > > > >Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. > >We've cured most of the electronics' temperature problems with a pair > >of fans, though management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits > >in his office all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like > >clockwork, his wife calls every night around midnight, sobbing. I'm > >worried about him and mentioned my concern to Chuck. "Wife?" he > >asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of those, and two or > >three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg of RAM in here, > >OK?" > > > >Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing > >Windows CE. The auditors applauded Bill's plan to upgrade to a > >Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM. There's still no functioning code, > >but the toaster is genuinely impressive. Four circuit boards, > >bundles of cables, and a gigabit of hard-disk space. "This sucker has > >more computer power than the entire world did 20 years ago," Bill > >boasted proudly. > > > >Day 384: Toast quality is sub-par. The addition of two more > >cooling fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature but > >removes too much heat from the toast. I'm struggling with baffles to > >vector the air, but the thrust of all these fans spins the toaster > >around. > > > >Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We > >switched From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky > >memory-allocation bugs, for sure," Bill told his team of 15 > >programmers. This approach seems like a good idea to me, because > >Java is platform-independent, and there are rumors circulating that > >we're porting to a SPARC station. > > > >Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. I > >mastered the temperature problems by removing all of the fans and > >the heating elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded to the > >toast. We found a thermal grease that isn't too poisonous. Our > >marketing people feel that the slight degradation in taste from the > >grease will be more than compensated for by the "toasting experience > >that can only come from a CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine > >running the latest multi-platform software." > > > >Day 610: The product ships. It weighs 72 lb and costs $325. > > > >Bill is promoted to CEO. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > From - Sun Nov 1 00:33:32 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA24450 for ; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 14:49:45 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 15:37:12 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDSKR>; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 15:43:00 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F58C6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: This would never happen! Date: Sat, 31 Oct 1998 15:43:00 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4757 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Saturday, October 31, 1998 7:48 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: This would never happen! > > Thanks to Gary! > > Scott D. Lufkin > Waterloo Outbound Technician > Ron Weber & Associates > > > -----Original Message----- > From: Verbrugghe, Shawn [SMTP:VerbrugS@tacom.army.mil] > Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 10:56 AM > To: Jason Verbrugghe (E-mail); Sara -JMU (E-mail); Val (E-mail) > Subject: FW: This would never happen! > > > > > > > > > > What a wonderful world it would be ... > > > > > > If Men Really Ruled The World > > > > > > Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward > > your > > > call to her real number. > > > > > > Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable > > response > > > to "I love you." > > > > > > Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. > > > > > > When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, > > she'd > > > appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a > > time-out. > > > > > > Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice > > > hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. > > > > > > Birth control would come in ale or lager. > > > > > > You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people > you'd > > > worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." > > > > > > Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL > > team of > > > your choice. > > > > > > The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. > > > > > > "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an > > > acceptable excuse for tardiness. > > > > > > At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out > > your > > > window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into > your > > car. > > > > > > It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on > horned > > > helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. > > > > > > Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the > > "public > > > ugliness" ordinance. > > > > > > Tanks would be far easier to rent. > > > > > > Garbage would take itself out. > > > > > > Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." > > > > > > Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your > > wife-to-be > > > with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" > > > > > > Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only > > occur in > > > leap years. > > > > > > On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to > > go > > > drinking. Mother's Day, too. > > > > > > St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. > > > > > > But it would be celebrated every month. > > > > > > Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the > > > pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. > > > > > > Two words: Ally McNaked. > > > > > > Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed > > off the > > > Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event In > > world > > > history. > > > > > > The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat > > the > > > losers. > > > > > > The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night > > > Football from a Different Camera Angle. > > > > > > It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you > > Returned > > > it the following day with a full tank of gas. > > > > > > Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. > > > > > > When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you > responded > > with > > > would actually reduce your fine. As in: > > > Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" > > > You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." > > > > > Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." > > > > > > Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." > > > > > > The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. > > > > > > People would never talk about how fresh they felt. > > > > > > Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. > > > > > > Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of > > conversation. > > > > > > Carina Indelicato > > > Sr. Project Manager > > > 314-861-4679 > > > indelicv@maritz.com > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > From - Sun Nov 1 00:33:33 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA24647 for ; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 14:52:13 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 15:39:57 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDSKS>; Sat, 31 Oct 1998 15:45:51 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C6F58C7@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for Halloween!!!! Date: Sat, 31 Oct 1998 15:45:50 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4815 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Saturday, October 31, 1998 10:00 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave > Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; > Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; > Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan > Fisher; Phil Jordan; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; > Todd Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for Halloween!!!! > > ********************************************************************** > ** > HALLOWEEN COSTUME PARTY > A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The > wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go > to > the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he > protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some > aspirin > and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the > fun. > So he took his costume and away he went. > > The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without > pain, > and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because > hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have > some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was > not > around. > > She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around > on > the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and > copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled > up > to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his > partner > high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". > > She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her > husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and > she > agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. > Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and > put > the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of > explanation > he would have for his notorious behavior. > > She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what > he > had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a > good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance > much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. > When > I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we > went > into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the > guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!" > > ********************************************************************** > ***** > > After Christmas Sales > > Gotta be careful during the after Christmas sales. The stores are > so > busy that things can get a bit crazy. > > A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend, and > as > they had not been dating for very long, after careful > consideration, > he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, > but > not too personal. > > Accompanied by his girlfriend's younger sister, he went to > Nordstrom > and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of > panties for herself. > > During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister > got > the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties. Without checking the > contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his > girlfriend with the following note: > > "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of > wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for > your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, > but > she wears short ones that are easier to remove. > > "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from > showed > me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and > they > were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked > really smart. > > "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no > doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a > chance to see you again. > > "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting > them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. > > "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming > year. > I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. > > "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little > fur > showing." > > ********************************************************************** > ******* > > > From - Fri Nov 6 05:45:03 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA28598 for ; Fri, 6 Nov 1998 00:02:55 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 6 Nov 1998 00:50:19 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDV57>; Fri, 6 Nov 1998 00:56:08 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8671C6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 11/5/98 Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1998 00:56:07 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5129 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, November 05, 1998 10:38 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra > Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt > Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 11/5/98 > > ********************************************************************** > *** > Subject: Zoo > > One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempt to earn > some money > as a street preformer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo > keeper grabs > him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime > that the > zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the > keeper fears > that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to > dress up > as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. > > So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the > cage before > crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he > wants, play > and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as > a mime. > However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just > swinging on > tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention > to the lion > in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his > audience, he > climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles > from the > top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but > the crowd > loves it. > > At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise > for being > such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime > keeps > taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going > up. Then > one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips > and falls. > The mime is terrified. > > The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared > that he > begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. > Finally, the > mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is > quick and > pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at > the angry > lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both > fired?" > > ********************************************************************** > ** > > Subject: Roommates > > Three roommates lived together at a college. Two of the roommates > were what we call ideal students: gets up early, studies in their free > time, does their homework and turns it in on time, and would even pass > up on party offers in order to stay home, study some more, and then go > to bed by ten. > > The third of the little bunch of roomies was not, however, what you > would call an "ideal student." > > You see, every night he would go out and get totally plastered. And, > like clockwork, every morning, around 3 A.M., he would stumble in the > apartment, waking his two studious companions, and then spent a good > four or five minutes throwing up in the kitchen sink. > > Well, the two studious fellows finally came to the decision one night > that this had to stop. So one day, the two made a visit to the local > meat market, where they asked the owner if they could have a bucket of > cow guts. Knowing that the local college kids were prone to pranks > and seeing no harm in it, he conceded and gave them what they asked > for. > > That night, just as every other night, their party-hardy roommate left > to begin his nightly drink-vomit ritual. > > While he was gone, the two roommates poured the contents of the > bucket, an entire gallon of cow guts, into the kitchen sink, their > roommate's sacred vomit basin. They knew that the sight of a sink > full of cow guts would frighten their friend into sobriety. Then they > crawled into bed and waited. > > Sure enough, 3 A.M. brings the sound of their inebriated friend, once > again stumbling into the door and tossing his keys and other > belongings onto the floor. Then, as usual, the two roommates listen > as their friend stumbles into the kitchen and begins to throw up in > the kitchen sink. > > After he finished his ritualistic blowing of the chunks, the two > roommates could hardly control themselves as they waited for the cry > of disgust. Instead, only silence came. > > Minutes passed. And more minutes. Eventually, the two became tired > and fell asleep. > > The next morning they awoke to find their friend laying on the couch, > sick as a dog. > > "Man, what happened to you?" they asked. > > "Last night I came in and threw up so hard that I even threw up my > guts. It took me a half an hour to swallow them all back down again." > > ********************************************************************** > ****** > From - Sat Nov 7 09:18:39 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA18627 for ; Sat, 7 Nov 1998 01:44:42 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 7 Nov 1998 02:32:03 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDWVM>; Sat, 7 Nov 1998 02:37:55 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8671CC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Awards... Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 02:37:54 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5953 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, November 06, 1998 8:56 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra > Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt > Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Awards... > > > > > > Yes they're here!!!!! > > > > > > > >1998 DARWIN AWARDS > > > > > > > >====================== > > > >They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the > > > Darwin > > > >Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the > > > universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in > the > > > most > > > >extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has > > > been > > > keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for > > > this > > > event! > > > > > > > >DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES > > > > > > > >1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and > drowned > > > in two > > > >feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide > > > sewer > > > grate to retrieve his car keys. > > > > > > > >2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who > "totally > > > zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off > a > > > 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. > > > > > > > >3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he > had > > > dug > > > >into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said > Daniel > > > Jones, > > > 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had > been > > > sitting > > > in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it > collapsed, > > > burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the > > > Outer > > > Banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to > > > Jones, a > > > resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took > rescue > > > workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while > about > > > 200 > > > people looked on. > > > Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. > > > > > > > >4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, > as > > > he > > > fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was > > > burglarizing. > > > Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his > mouth > > > (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he > hit > > > the > > > floor. > > > > > > > >5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, > > > 20, was > > > >stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, > who > > > was > > > >trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest > > > Berrena was > > > >wearing. > > > > > > > >6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in > > > February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with > > > friends who said he would put a revolver loaded > > > with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. > > > > > > > >7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel > > > Kolta, 27, > > > >and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a > tie > > > in > > > the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. > > > > > > > >DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS > > > > > > > >1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a > > > millipede > > > with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted > off a > > > rock > > > near > > > the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his > > > skull. > > > > > > > >2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to > clean > > > out > > > >cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a > > > propane > > > torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of > his > > > house. > > > > > > > >3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, > > > NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by > > > a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. > > > While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the > > > dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what > > > would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the > > > window was closed > > > > >4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an > annual > > > festival > > > in > > > November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, > no > > > bull > > > was > > > killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored > in > > > the > > > head > > > and > > > one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull > against a > > > town > > > of > > > a > > > thousand Morons." > > > > > > > >AND THE WINNER: > > > > > > > >PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt > fed > > > his > > > constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more > than > > > a > > > bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm > > > finally > > > let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! > > > Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting > > > to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved > beast > > > unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force > of > > > the > > > elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the > ground, > > > where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the > elephant > > > continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said > flabbergasted > > > Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help > him, > > > he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman > came > > > along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just > one of > > > those freak accidents. > > > > From - Wed Nov 11 12:16:18 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA22458 for ; Tue, 10 Nov 1998 00:03:54 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 10 Nov 1998 00:51:15 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDX6J>; Tue, 10 Nov 1998 00:57:11 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8671D3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: men vs. women Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 00:57:09 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4671 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, November 09, 1998 10:04 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra > Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt > Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: men vs. women > > Hope those last 4 sentences are true!! *Wink* > > I'M GLAD I'M A MAN > >>> >I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. > >>> >I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. > >>> >I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. > >>> >I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. > >>> >I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, > >>> >and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. > >>> >I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. > >>> >I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. > >>> >And I don't go around checking my reflection > >>> >in everything shiny from every direction. > >>> >I don't whine in public and make us leave early, > >>> >and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. > >>> >I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. > >>> >I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. > >>> >I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. > >>> >I don't carry our differences into the sack. > >>> >I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you > >>> >or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. > >>> >I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. > >>> >I know what the time is and I know what to do. > >>> >And I honestly think its a privilege for me > >>> >to have these two balls and stand when I pee. > >>> >I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. > >>> >It's more fun than dealing with women after all. > >>> >I won't cry if you say it's not going to work. > >>> >I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. > >>> >Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. > >>> >I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. > >>> >Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. > >>> >I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. > >>> >I don't get all bitchy every 28 days. > >>> >I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. > >>> >I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. > >>> >I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! > >>> > > >>> >******** And now it's time for a rebuttal *************** > >>> > > >>> >I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN > >>> >I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. > >>> >I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. > >>> >I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. > >>> >I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. > >>> >I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. > >>> >And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! > >>> >I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. > >>> >My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. > >>> >And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, > >>> >or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. > >>> >I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. > >>> >I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! > >>> >I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. > >>> >I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. > >>> >It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. > >>> >When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. > >>> >And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. > >>> >I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. > >>> >Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. > >>> >I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! > >>> >And I honestly think its a privilege for me, > >>> >to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. > >>> >I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. > >>> >I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. > >>> >I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, > >>> >or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. > >>> >Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, > >>> >then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! > >>> >Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. > >>> >Forget all about that old penis envy. > >>> >I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks. > >>> >Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. > >>> >I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. > >>> >I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! > >>> > > >>> > > >>> >Send this to 3 people in 24 hours and you will have great sex > >>> >this weekend with the person of your dreams. If > >>> >you do not, you will have bad luck and terrible > >>> >sex for the rest of your life. > > >>> > > >>> > >> From - Wed Nov 11 12:16:41 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA10899 for ; Wed, 11 Nov 1998 00:18:12 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 11 Nov 1998 01:05:30 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDY4T>; Wed, 11 Nov 1998 01:11:26 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8671DF@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes 11/10/98 Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998 01:11:22 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6198 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Tuesday, November 10, 1998 2:52 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra > Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt > Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes 11/10/98 > > ********************************************************************** > *** > > Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he > was > increasingly hampered by incredibly debilitating headaches. When > they > struck all he could do was grab his head and moan in agony: > "Whaaaaaah!" > > When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought > medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, > he > finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news > is > I can cure your headaches. . ." > > "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very > rare > condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of > your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only > way to > relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." > > Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to > live > for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he > had no > choice but to go under the knife. > > When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he > was > missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, > he > realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new > beginning and live a new life. > > He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I > need: > a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a > new > suit." > > The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 > long." > > Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" > > "It's my job." > > Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in > the > mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" > > Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." > > The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 > and a half neck" > > Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" > > "It's my job." > > Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the > collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" > > Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." > > The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . > . > wide." > > Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" > > "It's my job." > > Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked > comfortably > around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" > > Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . " > > The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." > > Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" > > "It's my job." > > The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman > asked, > "How about some new underwear?" > > Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " > > The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . . > size 36." > > Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." > > The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would > press > your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one > hell of a > headache." > > ********************************************************************** > * > > Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, > being sized up by St. Peter. > > "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether > to > send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society > by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also > created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've > never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where > you > want to go." > > Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" > > St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, > if > it will help your decision." > > "Fine, but where should I go first?" > > "I'll leave that up to you." > > "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." > > So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with > clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing > in > the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the > temperature perfect. He was very pleased. > > "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want > to > see heaven!" > > "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. > > Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, > playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. > > Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. > > "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. > > "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." > > So Bill Gates went to Hell. > > Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire > to > see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, > shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, > being > burned and tortured by demons. > > "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. > > Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and > disappointment, > "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks > ago! > I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other > place, > with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the > water?!??? > > "That was a demo," replied St. Peter. > > ********************************************************************** > *** > From - Thu Nov 12 04:23:09 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA28208 for ; Thu, 12 Nov 1998 00:07:18 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 12 Nov 1998 00:54:33 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDZ38>; Thu, 12 Nov 1998 01:00:20 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8671E7@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: lol...headlines Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 01:00:17 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3597 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Wednesday, November 11, 1998 8:31 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra > Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt > Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: lol...headlines > > Cool... > > Scott D. Lufkin > Waterloo Outbound Technician > Ron Weber & Associates > > > -----Original Message----- > From: David C Lufkin [SMTP:dclufkin@crnotes.collins.rockwell.com] > Sent: Wednesday, November 11, 1998 8:28 AM > To: Gail D Gluesing; Robert W Ramey; homesteadcircle@juno.com; > scott.lufkin@telethinking.com > Subject: Fw: lol...headlines > > i like 57 myself...lol > > Actual Newspaper Headlines > > 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says > 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers > 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted > 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case > 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents > 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House > 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms > 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? > 9. Stud Tires Out > 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope > 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over > 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again > 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands > 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms > 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf > 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids > 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead > 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim > 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 > 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax > 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told > 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death > 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant > 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree > 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies > 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter > 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years > 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One > 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 > 30. War Dims Hope For Peace > 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While > 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures > 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide > 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge > 35. Deer Kill 17,000 > 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead > 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge > 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group > 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft > 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks > 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy > 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire > 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply > 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood > 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees > 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half > 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies > 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing > 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing > 50. Air Head Fired > 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time > 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff > 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni > 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board > 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors > 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction > 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training > 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies > 59. Big Boost for Breast Cancer > 60. Officers Taken Off Duty After Death > > From - Thu Nov 12 04:23:10 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA29614 for ; Thu, 12 Nov 1998 00:26:16 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 12 Nov 1998 01:13:34 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKDZ30>; Thu, 12 Nov 1998 01:19:29 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8671E8@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Collection... Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 01:19:28 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 14753 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Wednesday, November 11, 1998 11:45 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra > Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt > Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Collection... > > > Science never lies: > > The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. > "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This > is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is > that > brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs > yourselves." > "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. > "For a male brain, ?500,000. For a female brain, ?200,000." > Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the > men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. > Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price > between male brains and female brains?" > "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team..... > "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used." > > ********************************************************************** > ********************** > > From Andy Scott: > > A little Chinese guy who was sweeping the streets is reassigned to a > refuse collection crew. His job is to wheel the wheelie bins from the > end > of the driveways to the roadside where they are emptied into the > truck. So > he's running from house to house, pushing these big wheelie bins out > to > the edge of the road. He comes to one house and there's no bin outside > it, so > he bangs on the door. This guy opens the door wearing only a thong, > and > he's bronzed from head to toe. 'Where you bin?' the Chinaman blurts > out. > 'Bahamas for two weeks', answers the bloke, while fixing his hair. > 'No. Where you wheelie bin?', the Chinaman shouts. > 'On the sunbed in the garage', admits the bloke reluctantly. > > ********************************************************************** > ********************** > > From Andy Scott: > > DON"T READ THIS IS YOU ARE SENSITIVE OR SQUEAMISH > > A man goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by > an Elephant!". The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?". > "Well," says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my > arsehole feels this big!". > "Bend over, and let me have a look." asks the doctor. The guy bends > over and sure enough, his arsehole is about ten inches across. "But I > thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the > doctor. > "Yeah, I know," says the agitated man, "but it fingered me first!". > > ********************************************************************** > *********************** > > From Mak: > > Own up ladies which one have you used ???? > > Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean) > > 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred > banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") > 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my > dad) > 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork > > I've ever laid eyes upon.) > 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending > the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other > guys I'm seeing.) > 6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of > Ben and Jerry's). > 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were > in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) > 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) > 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and > unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) > 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only men like you.) > > And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really > means) > > 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in > excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. > It's that male perspective thing.) > > > Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...) > > 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) > 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) > 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) > 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) > 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) > 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) > 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) > 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) > 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) > And the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually > means) > 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.) > AND BEFORE YOU ASK - NO I HAVE NOT HEARD ALL OF THESE FROM MEN (only > some and in my case it meant that I was just to lovely for words and > he knew he > didn't deserve me) > > ********************************************************************** > ****************************************** > From Chuckles: > > Battle of the Sexes - Part 187 > > RELATIONSHIPS: > When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart > out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All > Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has > a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, > at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just > wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never > forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I > want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is > known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call, and > 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community > colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. > > SEX: > Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 > seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as > part of the foreplay. > > MATURITY: > Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can > function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading > baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. > This is why high school romances rarely work out. > > MAGAZINES: > Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's > magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because > the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body > is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. > Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most > naked men elicit laughter from women. > > BATHROOMS: > A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, > shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the > Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's > bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of > these items. > > GROCERIES: > A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to > the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only > items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. After > drinking the beer, he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything > that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout > counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on > Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from > going to the 10-items-or-less lane. > > CATS: > Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't > looking, men kick cats. > > OFFSPRING: > Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows > about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and > best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and > dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in > the house. > > DRESSING UP: > A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty > the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man > will dress up for: weddings, funerals. > > LAUNDRY: > Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every > article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that > were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. > When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty > sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of > clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful > women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs > of old American sitcoms. > > EATING OUT: > When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw > in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them > will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they > want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the > pocket calculators. > > MIRRORS: > Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women > are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any > shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's > head. > > MENOPAUSE: > When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of > complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. > The nature and degree of these changes varies with the > individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he > buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving > gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. > > RICHARD GERE: > Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. > Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy > who works at the health club and dates only married women. > > MADONNA: > Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. > > TOYS: > Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the > age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of > their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply > become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of > men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated > juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that > serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, > beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. > > LOCKER ROOMS: > In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, > and women. They know about money, they don't know football > nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories > about women. Women talk about only one thing in locker rooms: > sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely > graphic and technical, and they never lie. > > MOVIES: > Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude > scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has > been produced by a man. Men will only show their asses, because > ass size doesn't really matter. > > JEWELRY: > Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with > wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will > look like a lounge singer named Ramone. > > TIME: > When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more > minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says > the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is > counting time outs, commercials, or replays. > > FRIENDS: > Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a guy's > night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are > "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" > > RESTROOMS: > Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use > restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak > a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a > restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the > history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant > table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do > you want to join me?" > > ********************************************************************** > ****************** > > 1. $50 > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > A man walked up to a farmer as he came out of a voting booth, "I'm > from the FBI." > > "What seems to be the trouble?" > > "We happen to know that you accepted a bribe and sold your vote." > > "That's not true. I voted for the candidate because I like him." > > "Well, that's where we've got you. We have concrete evidence you > accepted $50 from him." > > "Well, it's plain common sense. If someone gives you $50, you're > going to like him." > > > 2. Delta Flight 570 > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > "We apologize for the inconvenience, > but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." > > So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate > 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight > > 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. > > So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original > gate. > Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: > "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program." > > > 3. Riddle > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > Q. Why did Disney World fail in Japan? > A. Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides. > > > 4. Good Eye Sight > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. > > "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I > couldn't see where the ball went." > > "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why > don't > you take my brother Scott along?" > > "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested > Jack. > > "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy > pointed > out. > > The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the > > ball > disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked > Jack. > > "Yup," Scott answered. > > "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. > > "I forgot." > > 5. After the Party > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her > husband, > ?Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible > to > women you are?? > The flattered husband said, ?No, dear they haven?t.? > The wife yells, ?Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party > tonight?? > > From - Sat Nov 14 22:02:59 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA16677 for ; Sat, 14 Nov 1998 01:04:11 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Sat, 14 Nov 1998 01:51:20 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46MKD6AF>; Sat, 14 Nov 1998 01:57:12 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8671F9@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Feeling Old? Date: Sat, 14 Nov 1998 01:57:08 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5895 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, November 13, 1998 9:30 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James > Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra > Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt > Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Feeling Old? > > ********************************************************************** > ************************************************** > Feeling Young Today, Read On > > To get an idea of the lives of those entering > college this fall, read on......... and try not > to laugh............... > > 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the > nation were born in 1980. > > 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did > not > know he had ever been shot. > > 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. > > 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great > Depression. > > 5. There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember > one > president. > > 6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not > remember > the Cold War. > > 7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a > pill to > them, not a movie. > > 8. They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, > and > Tienamin Square means nothing to them. > > 9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. > > 10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it > is. > > 11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have > always > been > plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like. > > 12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. > > 13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing > to > them. > > 14. They have never owned a record player. > > 15. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard > of > Pong. > > 16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects > are > pathetic. > > 17. There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new. > What > do > you mean there used to be beige ones? > > 18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they > probably > have > never actually seen or heard one. > > 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. > > 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. > > 21. They have always had an answering machine. > > 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have > they seen a black and white TV. > > 23. They have always had cable. > > 24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta > is. > > 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. > > 26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. > > 27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. > > 28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. > > 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. > > 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave. > > 31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar > is a > Football player. > > 32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. > > 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, > W.W.II or > even the Civil War. > > 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in > Iran. > > 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. > > 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. > > 37. They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a > mile > for a Camel", > or "de plane, de plane!". (but, regretfully, they soon > will. F) > > 38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. > > 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it > was. > > 40. Michael Jackson has always been white. > > 41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not > groups. > > 42. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers. > > 43. Have no clue what the term "hard top" means when looking at > cars. > ********************************************************************** > **************************************************** > > >Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of > female > >hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints > of > > > >beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively > >without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't > think, > >and refused to apologise when wrong. > > > >No further testing is planned. > > > ********************************************************************** > **************************************************** > > "Useless Parts" > > Did you know that a man is made up of many useless > "things?" > > He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple... > Two calves that will never become cows... > A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere... > A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything... > Twenty nails that won't hold a board... > A chest that won't hold linen... > Two tits that won't give milk... > Two buns that won't feed anyone... > A belly button that won't button... > Two balls that won't roll... > An ass that won't pull a plow... > An organ that won't play music... > A cock that won't crow... > > .....And what are YOU laughing about?!? > > You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!! > > > > > From - Wed Nov 18 10:57:58 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id JAA05212 for ; Wed, 18 Nov 1998 09:22:34 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40508>; Wed, 18 Nov 1998 10:07:30 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 18 Nov 1998 01:14:24 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C86720B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: joke Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 01:14:21 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1164 1998 Bumper Stickers * Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Horn broken, watch for finger. * My kid had sex with your honor student. * My kid Killed your honor student. * If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished. * Help wanted telepath: You know where to apply. * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Keep honking, I'm reloading. * Hang up and drive. * Lord save me from your followers. * I said "no" to drugs, but they just would not listen. * Friends don't let friends drive naked. * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? * Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock. * The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. * There's too much blood in my caffeine system. > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com > From - Fri Nov 20 08:23:54 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA11368 for ; Fri, 20 Nov 1998 07:55:13 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 20 Nov 1998 08:41:32 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 20 Nov 1998 08:48:13 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C86722F@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Gorilla Exterminator Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 08:48:10 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1993 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, November 20, 1998 7:46 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Gorilla Exterminator A man living behind a zoo came home one day and found a huge gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The man ran to the phone book and found a listing for "Gorilla Exterminator." (Well, who ARE you going to call, right?) He called the number, and the exterminator promised to rush right over. Fifteen minutes later a rusty, battered old white van pulled up out front. The man rushed out to meet the exterminator at the curb. The exterminator said he needed some help with all of the equipment, and the man proceeded to help unload a ladder, a baseball bat, a piece of rope, an English bulldog, and a shotgun. The man asked what all this stuff was for, and the exterminator began to explain. "This is a very intricate plan. I place the ladder on the back side of the tree. I climb up the ladder and hit the gorilla with the bat as hard as I can. He falls out of the tree and at that moment you let go of the bulldog. That bulldog has been trained to do one thing and one thing only: That is, run up and bite the nuts off a gorilla the second it hits the ground. The gorilla will be so stunned, and in such agony, that we can jump him and tie him up, and then we'll have him. Now repeat the plan back to me." "You climb up the tree and hit the gorilla. I let go of the dog and then we jump the gorilla and tie him up.... Wait... What's the shotgun for?" The exterminator replied, "VERY IMPORTANT! In case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, shoot that goddamned dog!" From - Sun Nov 22 14:47:53 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id PAA13739 for ; Sat, 21 Nov 1998 15:07:09 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 21 Nov 1998 15:53:24 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 21 Nov 1998 16:00:01 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C867233@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: fun in the bathroom..... Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1998 15:59:58 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2730 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, November 20, 1998 9:12 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Phil Jordan; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: fun in the bathroom..... >**** 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate **** > > 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your > neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?" > > 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on > that." > > 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the > silence with a fart. > > 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." > > 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" > > 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." > > 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope > into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. > > 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" > > 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." > > 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it > erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, > "Whoa! Easy > boy!" > > 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." > > 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad > of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your > neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here > please?" > > 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me." > > 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall > with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit > impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all > about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you > had for breakfast. > > 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." > > 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. > Now > what am I gonna do?" > > 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your > butt cheeks. > > 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down > your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to > the adjacent stall. > > 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it > so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" > > 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and > sing "Born Free". > > From - Tue Nov 24 14:54:39 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.RONWEB.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA16663 for ; Mon, 23 Nov 1998 23:53:33 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 24 Nov 1998 00:39:37 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 24 Nov 1998 00:46:13 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C86723F@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes 11/23/98 Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1998 00:46:10 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3644 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, November 23, 1998 3:16 PM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Daily Jokes 11/23/98 Well, This is pretty fun!! Computers in Movies: The Standard Cliche List 1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 3. All monitors display inch-high letters. 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. 7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress") 8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. 9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. 10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. 11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. 12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. 13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others) 14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second. 15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. 16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen.(e.g., "Clear and Present Danger") 17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. 18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. 19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled. 20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP. 22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001") ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com From - Wed Nov 25 06:13:04 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA08814 for ; Tue, 24 Nov 1998 23:50:20 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 25 Nov 1998 00:36:35 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 25 Nov 1998 00:43:12 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C86724B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 11/24/98 Part 2 Date: Wed, 25 Nov 1998 00:43:10 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3757 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin=20 > Sent: Tuesday, November 24, 1998 11:12 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott > McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 11/24/98 Part 2 >=20 > Doggie Style > Two guys were car pooling home from work one day. Traffic was = crawling > along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around > and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. > "Look," he shouted, "what are the those dogs doing? Fighting?" The > passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. > Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before." The > driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had. His passenger > said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. > Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest > that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thought a > bit, then decided he would give it a try. The next morning, the two > commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, "Well. How = did > it go?" The driver replied, "It was great. But it took me SIX > margaritas just to get her naked in the front yard!" > Sergeants & Privates > Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not > long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, > there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're > privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, = pulling > him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." > "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing = at > his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and > pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and > I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy > pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the > dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the > OK sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy > the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the = infirmary > with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give > me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea > affects only the privates. " He points to his stripes. "But, we're > sergeants now." >=20 > Remember When ... > Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights=20 > now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes >=20 > An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, > a cursor used profanity, a keyboard was a piano >=20 > Memory was something that you lost with age, a cd was a bank account=20 > and if you had a 3 =BD" floppy you hoped nobody found out >=20 > Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did = to > a file > and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while >=20 > Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the > road, > a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your > commode >=20 > Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue,=20 > a web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu >=20 > I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head=20 > I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens > they wish they were dead From - Tue Dec 1 15:52:35 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA05429 for ; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 00:27:05 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:13:10 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:19:43 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C867253@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: This one will drive you crazy... Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:19:41 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 13903 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, November 30, 1998 8:15 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: This one will drive you crazy... I guess I am old fashioned, what are you? How moral are you? What is your attitude to morals, sex and honesty? The fascinating personality test below was written by a Sydney marriage expert who is a qualified psychologist. It began as a dinner party conversation gimmick, but it has been prepared in this form for readers to test themselves. To do the "test" you must give your honest opinion about morals and honesty of the four characters in our story of Sherwood Forest. Forget any preconceived ideas you may about them - this is a different sort of story from all the others. > > > "The Sheriff of Nottingham captured Little John > > > and Robin > > > Hood and imprisoned them in his maximum-security > > > dungeon. > > > Maid Marion begged the Sheriff for their release, > > > pleading her > > > love for Robin. The Sheriff agreed to release them > > > only if Maid > > > Marion spent the night with him. To this she > > > agreed. The next > > > morning the Sheriff released his prisoners. Robin > > > at once > > > demanded that Marion tell him how she persuaded > > > the Sheriff > > > to let them go free. Marion confessed the truth, > > > and was > > > bewildered when Robin abused her, calling her a > > > slut, and > > > saying that he never wanted to see her again. At > > > this Little John > > > defended her, inviting her to leave Sherwood with > > > him And > > > promising life-long devotion. She accepted and > > > they rode away > > > together." > > > > > > Now in terms of realistic every-day standards of > > > behaviour, put > > > Robin, Marion, Little John, and the Sheriff in the > > > order in > > > which you consider they showed the most morality > > > and > > > honesty. > > > > > > There is no "right" answer, and the following is > > > the > > > psychologist's estimate of you for each of the 24 > > > arrangements. > > > > > > Don't scroll down until you have made your list. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Don't scroll down till you've made your > > > list-otherwise it won't > > > work! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Here goes....... > > > ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN: You find it > > > hard to accept the permissive attitudes of others, > > > or to > > > Convince them of the validity of your own > > > standards. You are > > > not disposed to trust people and do not have a > > > very happy life. > > > > > > (Men) To you "love" involves sex and duty, rather > > > than charity > > > and forgiveness. (Women) You blame men for much of > > > the > > > unhappiness in your life. > > > > > > ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF: Your > > > philosophy of life is a sad hotchpotch of the > > > conventions of > > > society, Your own convictions and romanticism. You > > > are not > > > unkind, only staid and unimaginative. > > > > > > (Men) You see a woman as weak but desirable. > > > (Women) Your > > > resent the arrogance of men. > > > > > > ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN: (Men) We > > > think you are unhappy, although you probably will > > > not admit it. > > > As a ruthless authoritarian you are as moral as it > > > suits you and > > > no more. You do not apply the same rules to men as > > > you do to > > > women. (Women) How worthless you seem to think > > > women > > > are! > > > > > > ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF: You are a > > > moralist with conventional ideas, which some > > > people would > > > call old-fashioned. > > > > > > (Men) You probably consider yourself a fair-minded > > > man in a > > > world which falls badly below your standards. Your > > > inhibitions > > > and sense of guilt are in the way of your > > > happiness. (Women) > > > Unlucky in love? Perhaps you hope for too much in > > > a man. Be > > > a realist, not a romantic. > > > > > > ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION: You are > > > conventional and puritanical. > > > > > > (Men) You moralise and see women as a great > > > conspiracy > > > against man, with sex as their principal weapon. > > > You are > > > missing a great deal in life. (Women) Your parents > > > probably > > > played a big part in the formation of such a guilt > > > complex as > > > yours. Your mind is in chains and it's time you > > > did something > > > to free it. > > > > > > LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION: You are not > > > easy to assess. Basically you are ruled by an > > > inferiority > > > complex and feelings of insecurity. How do you > > > present > > > yourself to the world? An idealist, a moralist, a > > > conformist > > > keeping up with Jones's? > > > > > > (Men) Your conflicting views on sex and morality > > > may lead to > > > every sort sexual problem. You have always feared > > > women, > > > probably starting with your mother. (Women) It is > > > a shame you > > > have not accepted the ideal of woman as the equal > > > (and > > > sometimes stronger) partner of man. > > > > > > LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF: You are > > > fairly > > > broadminded romantic and reasonably contented. You > > > value > > > kindness greatly and try to live by your ideals. > > > You do not > > > conceal from yourself, or from others, your strong > > > need for > > > security, which may be either emotional or > > > material. > > > > > > (Men) Perhaps you tend to idealise women and > > > credit them > > > with virtues they don't possess. (Women) Your > > > experiences of > > > men have not all been happy, perhaps because you > > > hope for a > > > little too much? > > > > > > LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN: You are the > > > slightly romantic realist. You respect truth, and > > > are > > > broadminded and flexible. Whether you are a man or > > > a woman > > > you are probably a happy person. You like people > > > and they can > > > readily make friends with you. You are not very > > > adventurous, > > > but this does not bother you. > > > > > > LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN: You too, > > > believe that morality is another word for > > > common-sense and > > > suitability, and not something which is > > > universally valid or a > > > religious truth. Your feeling for security is > > > strong, and you > > > would rate reliability as one of your virtues. > > > > > > (Men) Your estimate of women as the inferior sex > > > suggests that > > > you are a little uncertain of them. (Women) You > > > are more > > > permissive about the morals of others than you are > > > about your > > > own. > > > > > > LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION: You are > > > conventional, unimaginative, and something of a > > > prude. It > > > would be surprising if your love life was a > > > roaring success. > > > > > > (Men) You have an old-world authoritarian > > > attitude. One thing > > > is sure - you have some sorry illusions about > > > women. (Women) > > > You accept a double standard of morality in which > > > women are > > > very much the "second sex". > > > > > > SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN: > > > (Man) We find it hard to imagine you leading a > > > full, happy life. > > > The warmth and give-and-take of love are not for > > > you. Your > > > sex life is ringed with unreality, and you neither > > > understand nor > > > appreciate women. (Women) If you really believe > > > this is the > > > right order, you baffle us completely. > > > > > > MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN: Such an > > > emphatic rejection of ready-made values in > > > probably partly > > > camouflage. You hate to be thought weak or > > > insecure. You > > > value honesty, and abominate humbug and hypocrisy. > > > > > > (Men) Women are very much part of you life, and > > > you are - or > > > perhaps would like to be - quite ruthless, both > > > with women and > > > life in general. (Women) You are tolerant about > > > men and their > > > failings - but we mean men, for you have no time > > > for boys on > > > men's errands. > > > > > > MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN: You know the > > > so-called facts of life, but not to enjoy life > > > itself. You are not a > > > realist and you are inclined to be stubborn. > > > > > > (Men) Women, you think, are either whores or > > > angels, and you > > > over-estimate the differences between the sexes. A > > > woman may > > > find you difficult to live with. (Women) You are > > > not sure > > > whether truth and morality go hand in hand or are > > > in > > > opposition. You haven't a very high opinion of > > > men. > > > > > > MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF: If you are > > > not > > > happy - and we suspect you are not - it maybe > > > because you feel > > > guilty about your own emotions, and lack > > > confidence in your > > > opinions. > > > > > > (Men) No doubt you consider yourself a moral man, > > > and a fair > > > one. Your fuzzy ideas about morality may make > > > their mark on > > > your sex life. (Women) You are too concerned about > > > what > > > others think. > > > > > > MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN: You are > > > essentially a contented person, even if you > > > consider yourself a > > > little superior. You are moral by your own > > > standards, for you > > > believe that morality is what best suits the > > > occasion. > > > > > > (Men) You are sexually uninhibited, more romantic > > > than you > > > may appear, and more dependent on the approval of > > > others than > > > you care to admit. (Women) You like being a woman, > > > you > > > understand what love is, and frankly enjoy sex. > > > > > > MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF: We would > > > expect you to be a happy, well-balanced person who > > > likes > > > people and is like by others. You question whether > > > many > > > conventional views on morality are valid under all > > > > > > circumstances. > > > (Men) Do we detect a sense of chivalry and > > > idealism under the > > > sophistication? (Women) You will expect high > > > standards form > > > the men to whom you give your love. > > > > > > LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF: You are a > > > cautious type, neutral, and rather insecure. You > > > would agree > > > with the idea that everybody has his price - and > > > in your own > > > case it would not be high. > > > > > > (Men) You are sexually inhibited with an > > > underlying distrust of > > > women. (Women) At least one man has made you > > > unhappy, > > > and you are now on your guard. > > > > > > SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITLE JOHN, MARION: Although you > > > make a brave show of being self-sufficient, > > > beneath this you > > > are unhappy and rather mixed up. > > > > > > (Men) You don't understand women - probably you > > > are afraid > > > of them. You do not know what love is, and you are > > > more > > > likely to boast about your conquests in a bar than > > > prove them in > > > a bedroom. (Women) If men attract you at all, > > > they probably > > > be disastrously the wrong sort. > > > > > > SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN: If you are > > > not > > > living a happy life the cause is within yourself. > > > You are a > > > rebel...with a trace of spoilt child about you. > > > You value truth > > > above morality, but you are reasonably tolerant of > > > those who > > > disagree with you. > > > > > > (Men) any problems you have are not likely to be > > > centred in > > > sex. (Women) Despite your experience and > > > intelligence you are > > > a bad judge of men. > > > > > > SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN: You claim to > > > be a realist or even a cynic, but you are more > > > emotional and > > > romantic and truthful. > > > > > > (Men) although you are by no means inhibited, your > > > amorous > > > adventures are as much a matter of fantasy as > > > fact. (Women) > > > You have been hurt in the past by men - or perhaps > > > a particular > > > man - and will probably let it happen again. > > > > > > SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION: Not a > > > moralising pattern, but... > > > > > > (Men) You share with many other men the idea that > > > most > > > women are fickle and inferior to men. Perhaps a > > > view that you > > > got from your father? Or as a reaction to a > > > domineering > > > mother? (Women) You have a pretty poor opinion of > > > yourself, > > > haven't you? > > > > > > SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN: You have a > > > confused, immature sense of values. You are > > > erratic an > > > stubborn, and inclined to get angry or sulk when > > > you don't get > > > your own way. But at least you are not a moral > > > hypocrite. > > > > > > (Men) "Love 'em and leave 'em" is the motto of a > > > man who is > > > basically afraid of women. (Women) Perhaps you > > > would rather > > > be a man than a women? > > > > > > MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN: Associate > > > morality with honest and truth more than with > > > religious values. > > > You are impulsive and somewhat unpredictable. > > > > > > (Men) We suspect that you are a would-be lover > > > rather than a > > > very successful one. (Women) You are a realist and > > > a revel, a > > > defender of women's rights. You like men but > > > despise weak > > > ones. > > > > --Boundary_(ID_RdCoFsT4FulQD9EcMpGnuA)-- From - Tue Dec 1 15:52:37 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA06300 for ; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 00:39:17 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:25:22 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:32:02 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C867254@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Lawyers Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:31:59 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2956 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, November 30, 1998 11:14 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Lawyers With no disrespect to anyone.... intentionally.... that we know of..... our favorite professional group...... What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? * Chelsea Clinton If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice. Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? * He gets taller. From - Tue Dec 1 15:52:37 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA06523 for ; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 00:42:43 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:28:47 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:35:20 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C867255@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Here's a Good One Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:35:19 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5143 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, November 30, 1998 12:20 PM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Here's a Good One >Bill Clinton died and went to heaven--or to be more accurate, he >approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter >appeared. > >"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. > >"It's me, Bill Clinton." > >"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. > >"Lemme in!" replied Clinton. > >"Soooo," Pondered St. Peter, "What bad things did you do on earth?" > >Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you >shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had >extra marital sex but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't >really have 'sexual relations'. And I lied under oath, but I didn't commit >perjury." > >After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the > >deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call >it Hell. You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't >call it eternity. And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't >hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." > > >+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ > > > A blonde went into the emergency room with the tip of her index finger > blown off. >"How did this happen?" the doctor asked. >"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. >"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" >"No, silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid >$10,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought, I just paid >$4,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and > I thought, this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my > other ear before I pulled the trigger!" > >+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ > >There are 3 blondes on an island. Having found a bottle and rubbed it >a Genie appears. He gives all 3, one wish. >The first on says, "I wanna be smart." "POOF!" She was a redhead and >swam off the island. >The next one says, "I wanna be smarter than her." "POOF!" She was a >brunette, and made a raft and floated off the island. >The third one said, "I wanna be smarter than both of them." "POOF!" >The Genie turned her into a man and he walks across the bridge. > >++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ > >Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? >They think their picture is being taken. > >How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? >It has a stamp on it. > >Why can't blondes dial 911? >They can't find the eleven on the phone. > >What do you call an eternity? >Four blondes at a four way stop. > >Why do blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes? >Toes go in first. > >What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? >You always hear about them but you never see them. > >What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? >Oh look, daddy...doughnut seeds. > >Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice? >Because it said concentrate. > >What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? >Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth! > >How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? >There is whiteout all over the monitor. > >How do you drown a blonde? >Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. > >Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a >regular one? >You have to hollow out the head. > >How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye? >Shine a flashlight in her ear. > >Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? >Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. > >Why won't they hire blondes a pharmacists? >They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriter. > >+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ > >Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 >hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned >around and went home. > > >**************************************************************** > >A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, >saying "21, 21, 21, 21." A blonde walks up, sees her, and decides to >join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21, 21, >21, 21." > >Suddenly the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the >tracks just as the blonde is splattered all over the place. The >brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22, 22, >22, 22!" > >+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ > >Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in >their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for >the Winter." > From - Tue Dec 8 11:26:41 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA11723 for ; Tue, 8 Dec 1998 00:23:19 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Tue, 8 Dec 1998 01:09:13 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 8 Dec 1998 01:15:26 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C867279@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes from a Sicky... Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 01:15:25 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 13074 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, December 07, 1998 11:25 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes from a Sicky... > > Well I had to come in to work after all and I see I got some mail so I > will spread the word, enjoy! > > -----Original Message----- > From: Suanne Stultz > Sent: Monday, December 07, 1998 10:00 AM > To: Scott Lufkin > Subject: FW: Daily Chuckles > > > The Russians > A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, > when > the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to > his > wife. "Felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, no. I'm sure it > was > just rain", he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have > a > major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw > a > communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about > it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph if it's officially > raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell > us, > Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, > of course", he replied, and walked on. "But", the woman insisted, "I > know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph > the Red knows rain, dear" > > Jesus Takes Over > Jesus decided to go say hi to his old buddy St. Peter, so he strolled > out to the Pearly Gates and noticed a HUGE long line of people waiting > to get in. St. Peter saw Jesus coming and said "Oh, thank goodness > someone showed up! Listen, Jesus, there's a huge line of people out > here, and I'm going bats trying to keep them all sorted out. Could you > take over for a few minutes so I can take a break? I'd be ever so > grateful!" Jesus said that sure, it'd be fine with him to be in charge > for a while, but he really wasn't sure what kind of stuff he should > check for. St. Peter told him, "Hey, it's easy. A lot of them are > already written down on the invitation list. Just make small talk with > them while you look for their names. If they're not on the list, just > tell them you're not the one normally in charge, so if they wait a > bit, I'll deal with them when I get back." So St. Peter left for a > while, and Jesus handled the line of people, looking up their names > and generally yakking it up with the folks waiting to get in. > Eventually the line got to this one little old man. Jesus started > talking to him, "So, what did you do for a living when you were > alive?" "I was a carpenter," the old man replied. Jesus's ears > pricked up at that answer. "Ah," He said. "Did you have a wife or any > children?" "I had one son, but I lost him." Jesus started to suspect > something was up with this little old man, and decided to ask another > question. "Ah, a terrible loss, my good man. Tell me, what did he look > like?" "Well," said the old man, "he looked just like any other boy, I > guess, except he had holes in his hands and his feet." Jesus grinned > broadly, opened His arms wide and cried, "DAD!" The old man gasped. > "PINOCCHIO??" > > The Telephone Pole > A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting > workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of five > Italian men and a crew of five blonde women. The company cannot decide > who to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss > says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install > into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get > the job." Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go > in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the > back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew > returns. "YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!" > "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the > other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is > not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down." "Fine, no > problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. > Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed > and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor. > "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss > incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the > job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" > "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole > in halfway!!" > Mother Superior's Problem One afternoon, Sister Kathrine was called > out on a mission of mercy. See, Mother Superior was....well, > constipated. She didn't believe in conventional medication and was > certain that her strong faith would help her through her situation. > Sister Kathrine, worried about Mother Superior's prolonged discomfort, > was eagar to help in any way she could. She went to the local liquor > store and told the owner that she was on a mission for the church and > needed a gallon of Jack Daniels. "Why Sister Katherine, what on earth > do you need a gallon of Jack Daniels for" asked the store owner. > Quietly she answered "Mother Superiour is constipated and I'm sure > this will help". The store owner not understanding how this would > help Mother Superior's problem, gladly contributed the gallon of Jack > Daniels to the church since he knew they didn't really have any money > to speak of. Later that day as the store owner was on his way home, he > passed by the church and saw almost all of the nuns out in the front > yard, some were stumbling around, a couple were singing, two got into > a fist fight, one was sitting in the distance all by herself having > an argument with....(pardon this one).. God only knows who, and a > couple were passed out cold! Seeing Sister Katherine sitting on the > front steps chugging a swig right out of the bottle, the store owner > went up to Sister Katherine and demanded to know what was going on. > "I gave you that bottle of Jack Daniels because you said it would > help Mother Superior with her....um.....problem, why would you lie to > me!? Sister Katherine looked up at him and slurred... "I didn't lie! > What, you don't think Mother Superior's gonna shit when she sees > this?!!! > Under the Stars > Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good > meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some > hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, > look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see > millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson > pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are > millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. > Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce > that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I > can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and > insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have, a > beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for > a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Someone has stolen our > tent." > The Studies > In 1991, the University of Texas funded a study to see why the head of > a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, > they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was > to give the man more pleasure during sex. After UT published the > study, Texas Tech decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 > years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the > woman more pleasure during sex. Texas A&M, unsatisfied with these > findings, conducted their own study. After 3 weeks and a cost of > around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from > flying off and hitting him in the forehead. > Balloons > Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless. > Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts. Well, > son, these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you > up to heaven. Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and > goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making > tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying! > What do you mean? says his mother. Well, she's out in the garden > shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is > trying to blow them up for her and she keep yelling, God, I'm coming! > God, I'm coming! > Christmas Jokes Are Here > What do you call a woman of easy virtue addicted to snack food? Ho > Ho > Ho > Employee Relations > The boss came in early in the morning one day and found his manager > kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you > for?" The manager replied, "No, sir, this I do free of charge." > The Blond Stewardess > An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde > stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another > city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the > best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The > next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, > he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was > in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She > answered the phone, sobbing and said she couldn't get out of her room. > "You can't get out of your room? the captain asked. "Why not?" The > stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in her," she cried, > "one is the bathroom, one is the closes, and one has a sign on it that > says "Do Not Disturb'!" > Technology Jokes > I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive > and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing > and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a > credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - > 1st Person:"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" > 2nd person:"A little. What's wrong?" > 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say > all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I > tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you > load the sheet?" > 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone > else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the > recipient would open it and read it. > Big Planes and Baby Planes A mother and her son were flying TWA from > Indianapolis to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, > turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big > cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The > mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the > stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess: > "Hey lady, if big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, > why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did > your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy said that she > had. The stewardess replied, "Well, go tell your mother that it's > because TWA always pulls out on time." > Dilbert's Words of Wisdom > 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. > Tomorrow isn't looking good either. > 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they > make as they go flying by. > 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? > 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. > 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. > 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved > through a suitable application of high explosives. > 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along > without it. > 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're > the statue. > 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there > the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him > again. > 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. > 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I > thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" > 12. My Reality Check bounced. > 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape > key. > 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. > 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut > butter. > 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are > crunchy and taste good with ketchup. > 17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. > From - Sun Dec 13 10:50:30 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA22954 for ; Sat, 12 Dec 1998 14:24:08 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 12 Dec 1998 15:09:20 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 12 Dec 1998 15:16:30 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8672A1@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: men & women Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 15:16:29 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2403 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, December 11, 1998 10:12 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: men & women > > > > > > Smart man + smart woman = romance > > > Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy > > > Dumb man + smart woman = affair > > > Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage > > > Smart boss + smart employee = profit > > > Smart boss + dumb employee = production > > > Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion > > > Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime > > > > > > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. > > > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. > > > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. > > > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. > > > A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. > > > A successful woman is one who can find such a man. > > > > > > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a > > > little. > > > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to > understand > > > her at all. > > > > > > Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot > more > > > willing to die. > > > > > > Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two > people > > > remembering the same thing. > > > > > > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow > deteriorate > > > during the night. > > > > > > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. > > > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. > > > > > > A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after > that > > > is the beginning of a new argument. > > > > > > There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before > marriage > > > and after marriage. > > > > > > > > -- > > > A note from the almost house-trained white box next to Chuck's desk. > cnisbett@mag-net.com - Ph:(250)964-2961 - Fax:(250)964-2962 > > > > --Boundary_(ID_16ayym1WOw+G5+124FooNw)-- From - Tue Dec 15 09:50:41 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA05395 for ; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 00:06:47 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 00:51:57 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 00:59:10 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8672AC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 12/14/98 Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 00:59:07 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3570 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, December 14, 1998 3:03 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 12/14/98 > > What do you expect? It's my day off! > > -----Original Message----- > From: John Baughman > Sent: Monday, December 14, 1998 10:21 AM > To: Scott Lufkin > Subject: List... > > 34 ways to annoy people > 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch > paper, 99 copies. > 2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if > they slow down. > 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." > 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to > others. > 5. Sing along at the opera. > 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all Weather > conditions "to keep them tuned up." > 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." > 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. > 9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them > to your boss. > 10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. > 11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with > prophesy." > 12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over > your ears. > 13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge Across > the room. > 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. > 15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and > insist to others that you "like it that way." > 16. Staple papers in the middle of the page. > 17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking > Noise. > 18. Honk and wave to strangers. > 19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their > complimentary mints by the cash register. > 20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. > 21. type only in lowercase. > 22. dont use any punctuation either > 23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole > streets. > 24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear > that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now." > 25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. > 26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by > tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, > wait, I messed it up," and repeat. > 27. Ask people what gender they are. > 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a > parakeet. > 29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." > > 30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. > 31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. > 32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the, > answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological > profiles." > 33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY > BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD! > 34. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail or ICQ address book even > if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this. > > *John Baughman, LAN Technician > Ron Weber and Assoc. of Iowa > 4711 N. Brady St. Suite. 1 > Davenport, Iowa 52806 > www.telethinking.com From - Tue Dec 15 09:50:45 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id JAA11961 for ; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 09:09:55 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 09:55:04 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:02:12 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C8672B5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: joke Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:02:10 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2120 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Tuesday, December 15, 1998 8:56 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: joke > > >When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's > > prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown-with a bad > > >attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an > expletive. > > >Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, > extremely > > >rude. > > > > > >Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was > constantly > > >saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could > think of > > >to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. Exasperated, > he > > >yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he > shook the > > >parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude. > > > > > >Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in > the > > >freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, > kicking and > > >screaming. Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was > frightened that he > > >might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly > opened the > > >freezer door. > > > > > >The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and > said, "I > > am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and > > action, andI humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day > forth, > > endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-conceived > outburst never > > again occurs." > > > > > >Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in > attitude and > > >was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when > the > > >parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" > > > From - Fri Dec 18 11:26:01 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA18302 for ; Fri, 18 Dec 1998 00:29:52 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 18 Dec 1998 01:14:54 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 18 Dec 1998 01:22:17 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF14A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: FW: Deep thoughts Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 01:22:14 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5839 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, December 17, 1998 1:09 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: FW: FW: Deep thoughts > > > > -----Original Message----- > From: Dave Van Kamen > Sent: Thursday, December 17, 1998 10:47 AM > To: 'Sheri Mohler'; Scott Lufkin; Amanda Kamp; Lori Johnson; Jim > Boyland > Subject: FW: FW: Deep thoughts > > >> DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey > >> > >> > >> Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. > >>Then when you > >> do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have > >>their shoes. > >> ======== > >> To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of > >>something when you > >> walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you > >>give me a hand?" > >> You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." > >> ======= > >> The face of a child can say it all, especially the > >>mouth part of the > >> face. > >> ======== > >> I believe in making the world safe for our children, > >>but not our > >> children's children, because I don't think children > >>should be having > >> sex. > >> ======== > >> If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute > >>thing to tell him > >> is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, > >>another cute > >> thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something > >>you did." > >> ======== > >> If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself > >>in the mirror, > >> because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a > >>panic. > >> ======== > >> To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no > >>music, no choreography > >> and the dancers hit each other. > >> ======== > >> I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose > >>a king, > >> they don't just go by size, because I bet there are > >>some Chihuahuas > >> with some good ideas. > >> ======== > >> If you go flying back through time and you see somebody > >>else flying > >> forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid > >>eye contact. > >> ======== > >> It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more > >>money. And I > >> guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just > >>sitting there, > >> rocking back and forth, wanting that money. > >> ======== > >> If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're > >>drinking a beer, I > >> bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. > >> ======== > >> I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world > >>without hate. And > >> I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd > >>never expect it. > >> ======== > >> I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and > >>lays its eggs in my > >> brain, because later you might think you're having a > >>good idea but it's > >> just eggs hatching. > >> ======== > >> Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The > >>guy looks out it, > >> and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess > >>that's like a > >> regular window. > >> ======== > >> During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest > >>mistakes was not > >> putting on your armor because you were "just going > >>around the corner." > >> ======== > >> When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I > >>did was call the > >> police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it > >>up, and started > >> wondering who this person was, and why he had deer > >>horns. > >> ======== > >> Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand > >>your rights, > >> even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the > >>person is you're > >> talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. > >> ======== > >> If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind > >>your horse, > >> I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back > >>and the > >> guy was reading a magazine. > >> ======== > >> Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did > >>they believe me? > >> ======== > >> Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, > >>I'll be over here, > >> looking through your stuff. > >> ======== > >> For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a > >>tip: why not add a > >> slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? > >> ======== > >> I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops > >>down and pulls a > >> fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, > >>low to the ground, > >> and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's > >>a documentary. > >> ======== > >> I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That > >>guy sure > >> owed me a lot of money." > >> ======== > >> I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, > >>because > >> then, WHOO HOO! I'd have all my money back. > From - Fri Dec 18 11:26:02 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA18456 for ; Fri, 18 Dec 1998 00:31:47 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 18 Dec 1998 01:16:50 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 18 Dec 1998 01:24:08 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF14B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Holiday Cheer! Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 01:24:07 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2297 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, December 17, 1998 2:29 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Holiday Cheer! > > > > : > > A BROOKLYN ITALIAN CHRISTMAS > : > > Twas the night before christmas in Brooklyn > : > > Da whole house was mella, > : > > Not a creature was stirrin' , > : > > Cuz i had a gun unda da pilla. > : > > When up on da roof > : > > I heard somethin' pound,: > > I sprung to da winda, > : > > To scream,"Yo , keep it down" > : > > When what to my > : > > Wanderin' eyes should appear, > : > > But da Don of all elfs. > : > > And eight friggin' reindeer, > : > > Wit slicked back black hair, > : > > And a silk red suit, > : > > Don Christopher wuz here, > : > > And he brought da loot. > : > > Wit' a slap to dare snouts, and a yank on dare manes, > : > > He cursed and he shouted , > : > > And he called dem by name. > : > > "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, > : > > Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, > : > > Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, > : > > Ay Pepe, Ay Guido", > : > > As I drew out my gun > : > > And hid by the bed, > : > > He flew troo the winda > : > > And slapped me "side da head. > : > > "What the hell ya doing > : > > Pullin' a gun on da Don? > : > > Now all your gettin is coal, > : > > You friggin moron. > : > > Den pointin' a fat finga > : > > Right unda my nose, > : > > He twisted his pinkie ring, > : > > And up da chimney he rose. > : > > He sprang to his sleigh. > : > > Obscenities sceamin', > : > > Away da all flew, > : > > Before he troo dem a beatin'. > : > > Den I heard him yell out, > : > > When I did least expect , > : > > "Merry Friggin Christmas to all, > : > > And yous better show some respect" > : > > From - Sat Dec 19 09:18:44 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA18648 for ; Sat, 19 Dec 1998 00:55:06 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 19 Dec 1998 01:40:03 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 19 Dec 1998 01:47:26 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF14E@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Sex and the Man from Mars Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 01:47:25 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1952 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, December 18, 1998 10:20 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Sex and the Man from Mars > > > A couple from Mars lands on the earth and soon meet up with > an earth couple. > They hit it off so well and begin asking questions and learning about > life on each other's planets. Eventually, the conversation turns to > the question of sex. Each couple tries to explain how they mate, but > they find it somewhat difficult to explain. > Neither can understand what is being described so one of the ladies > suggests they switch partners for an evening so they can get a better > understanding. > The earth woman and Mars man go into the bedroom and they undress. > The earth woman says "Gee, you're small". > > The Mars says "no problem" and hits his forehead and he grows longer. > The earth women is amazed and says "not bad". > The Mars man hits his forehead again and grows even longer. > The earth woman is pleased but says "It's kind of narrow" > The Mars man pulls on his ears and get thicker. > The earth woman says "Not Bad". > The mars man pulls on his ears and gets even thicker. > The earth woman is now so pleased, so they get busy with the act. > The following morning the two couples meet in the lobby and the earth > man asks his wife how it went. > She says "It's the best I've ever had. How about you?" > The earth man says "My head hurts so bad. She kept hitting me on the > forehead and pulling on my ears." > > From - Wed Dec 30 15:34:47 1998 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA03320 for ; Wed, 30 Dec 1998 00:36:40 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 30 Dec 1998 01:21:27 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 30 Dec 1998 01:28:49 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF16B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes 12/29/98 Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 01:28:45 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 10856 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin=20 > Sent: Tuesday, December 29, 1998 9:08 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan = Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; = Todd > Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes 12/29/98 >=20 > DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER >=20 >=20 > December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the > season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the > window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It > looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like = newlyweds > again. I love snow! > > > > > > December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow > covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can > there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the > best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and > felt like a boy. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This > afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and > closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect = life. > > > > > > December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a > disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely > have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob > says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never > want to see snow again. > I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad > he's our neighbor. > * > > >=20 > December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature > dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took > my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and > sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon > and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do > quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this > way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. > > > > > > December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 > Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. > Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the > electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, > after all. > > > > > > December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in > the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed = for > an hour, which I think was very cruel. > > > > > > December 17: Still way below freezing. > Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I > had to > pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the = wife > and > try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but > won't > admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm > freezing to death in my own > living room. > > > > > > December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn > stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow > came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said > they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the > only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and > they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're > lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and > bill me. I think he's lying. > > > > >=20 > December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more > inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably > won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to > go out to shovel and then I had to whiz. By the time I got = undressed, > whizzed and dressed again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire > Bob who has a plow for his truck for the rest of the winter; but he > says he's too busy. I think the jackass is lying. > > > > > > December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife > wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is > she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She = says > she did but I think she's lying. > > > > > > December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the > shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the = son > of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow > by his cajones(balls). I know he hides around the corner and waits > for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 > miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight > the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our > presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow. > > > > > > December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the amn slop > tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God = I > hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a = donation > and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a > bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a > Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. > > > > >=20 > December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It > was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. > > > > > > December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. > > > > >=20 > December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is > driving me crazy!!! > > > > > > December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or > it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb > does he think I am? > > > > >=20 > December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a > million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her > mother. 9" predicted. > > > > > > December 31: Set fire to what's left of the > house. No more > shoveling. >=20 > January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills = they > keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? >=20 > = ********************************************************************** > = ********************************************************************** > **** >=20 > COLLEGE LIGHTBULB JOKES > How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? > None--New Haven looks better in the dark. >=20 > How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? > One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him >=20 > How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs = changing, > one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked=20 > lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program > that=20 > controls the wall switch. >=20 > How many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation >=20 > How many Middlebury students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. > Crew > outfit to wear for the occasion. >=20 > How many Wellesley students does it take to change a lightbulb? > The whole student body--girls can't do anything right. >=20 > How many Stanford students does it take to change a lightbulb? > One, dude. >=20 > How many Oberlin students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Three--One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off = the > old one. >=20 > How many Georgetown students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Four--One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, > and two > to throw the old bulb at American U. students. >=20 > How many LeHigh students does it take to change a lightbulb? > A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb > out of > the socket. >=20 > How many Hamilton students does it take to change a lightbulb? > The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else > to do. >=20 > How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Two--One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did = it > as > well as an Ivy League student. >=20 > How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Five--One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance > about it. >=20 > How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that > they're all violently twitching from too much stress. >=20 > How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a lightbulb? > One--she calls a Smithie to do it. >=20 > How many Smith students does it take to change a lightbulb? > One--all you need is one hot woman and you'll never have a=20 > heterosexual lightbulb again. >=20 > How many Boston University students does it take to change a > lightbulb? > Four--One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework. >=20 > How many Amherst students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Thirteen--One to change the bulb and an a capella group to > immortalize the > event in song. >=20 > How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Wesleyan's boycotting GE . . . you know, military-industrial complex > and > all that. >=20 > How many Connecticut College students does it take to change a > lightbulb? > Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they > were=20 > at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out. >=20 > How many Bucknell students does it take to change a lightbulb? > One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb. >=20 > How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Three--One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to > take > the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in. >=20 > How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb? > One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb. >=20 > How many Boston College students does it take to change a lightbulb? > Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because > he > didn't screw it in upside down this time. >=20 > How many Reed students does it take to change a lightbulb? > One--and she doesn't even need a ladder because she has platform=20 > Birkenstocks. >=20 > = ********************************************************************** > ***************** >=20 >=20 From - Wed Jan 6 06:39:37 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA05506 for ; Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:14:17 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:58:59 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 6 Jan 1999 02:06:14 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF1C9@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: 1998 Darwin Award Nominations (fwd) Nominee Number 5! IT CO ULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!! Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 02:06:11 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 9329 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, January 05, 1999 12:25 PM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: 1998 Darwin Award Nominations (fwd) Nominee Number 5! IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!! >1998 Darwin Award Nominations > >Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the >1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are >for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in >spectacularly >stupid ways before they breed (thankfully). > >The 1998 nominees are: > >NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, >using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield >accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole >in his gut. > >NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of >Alamo, MI., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police >described as a "farm-type truck". Burns got a friend to drive the truck >on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the >source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, >and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." > >NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, >accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening >to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the >phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged >when he drew it to his ear. > >NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the >safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane >with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman >said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank >Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the >building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted >demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter >Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto >Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the >200-man association. > >NOMINEE No.5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no >ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his >own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts >of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans >and >cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination >of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the >poisonous >cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his >windows >been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his >near >airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge >capacity for creating "this deadly gas". Three of the rescuers got sick >and one was hospitalized. > >NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.], Michael Anderson Godwin made >News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South >Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence >reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell >and >attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was >electrocuted. > >NOMINEE NO.7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have >triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a >cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday >night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators >said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home >about >11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader >that >had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the >barrel >when the gunpowder ignited. > >NOMINEE No.8: [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being >disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call >police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth and walked out >without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the >store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it >had choked him to death. > >NOMINEE No.9: [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot >a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed >instantly when it fell on him. > >NOMINEE No.10: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes >in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his >mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth >and >tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit >the >blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Corporal >M.D. Payne. >"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to >explode it, Payne said: "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said,"'I'll show >you how to set it off." > >NOMINEE No.11: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird >feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto >suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was >standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector >D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved >and he went over the balcony," Honer said. > >NOMINEE No.12: [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University >Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting >arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. >Tony >Roberts, 25, lost his right eye during an initiation into a men's rafting >club, >Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried to shoot a beer >can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said >had >the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have >been >cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw >at >the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 >inches >of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow >managed to >miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Robert had tried >to >pull the arrow out he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted >afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said >Roberts, >"I feel so dumb about this." > >NOMINEE No.13 The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996 >VANCOUVER A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself >in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said >the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match >early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went >off. >Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20s was brought in >by >friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to >survive. > >AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.14!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] >Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the >road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday >morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly >after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray >Wallis,38, >of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. >The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a >frog >gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights >malfunctioned. >The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had >burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that >the.22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next >to >the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again >began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east bound toward >the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just >before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged >and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to >the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only >minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to >repair >the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and >released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls >off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten >years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't >believe that >those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being >notified >of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had >caught >and did anyone get them from the truck. > From - Wed Jan 6 06:39:38 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id GAA18764 for ; Wed, 6 Jan 1999 06:15:00 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 6 Jan 1999 06:59:39 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 6 Jan 1999 07:06:57 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF1CF@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 07:06:54 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 308 > -----Original Message----- > From: Matt Hargreaves > Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 1999 5:47 AM > To: Nathan Fisher > Subject: > > The URL is http://www.denounce.com/linux.html > Most definitely untrue...or is it? > > Matt Hargreaves > LAN Operations Technician > Ron Weber & Assoc. > Waterloo, Ia. > From - Sat Jan 9 05:02:25 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA24083 for ; Sat, 9 Jan 1999 00:03:07 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Sat, 9 Jan 1999 00:47:44 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 9 Jan 1999 00:55:04 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF1F1@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: It's cold! Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 00:55:03 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2461 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, January 08, 1999 2:21 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: It's cold! > > "Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the > confusion. > Degrees (Fahrenheit) > 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night > 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) > 50 Miami residents turn on the heat > 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts > 40 You can see your breath > * Californians shiver uncontrollably > * Minnesotans go swimming > 35 Italian cars don't start > 32 Water freezes > 30 You plan your vacation to Australia > 25 Water freezes in Minnesota > * Californians weep pitiably > * People in Montana eat ice cream > * Canadians go swimming > 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless > * New York City water freezes > * Miami residents plan vacation further South > 15 French cars don't start > * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you > 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going > 5 American cars don't start > 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts > -10 German cars don't start > * Eyes freeze shut when you blink > -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo > * Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects > * Miami residents drop dead in herds > -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you > * Politicians actually do something about the homeless > * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof > * Japanese cars don't start > -25 Too cold to think > * You need jumper cables to get the driver going > -30 You plan a two week hot bath > * Swedish cars don't start > -40 Californians disappear > * Minnesotans button top button > * Canadians put on sweaters > * Your car helps you plan your trip South > -50 Congressional hot air freezes > * Alaskans close the bathroom window > -80 Hell freezes over > * Polar bears move South > * Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game > -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets > > > John DeBerry > Knowledge Engineer > Deere Enterprise Support > ou90f40@deere.com > > From - Tue Jan 5 10:35:07 1999 Message-ID: <36923F3B.18DE@pitnet.net> Date: Tue, 05 Jan 1999 10:35:09 -0600 From: Virtual1 Reply-To: virtual1@pitnet.net Organization: Myself & I Inc. X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.01-C-MACOS8 (Macintosh; I; PPC) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: scott.lufkin@telethinking.com Subject: uh..... wow. Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5386 Begin forwarded message: REDMOND, WA - In a move that has astonished the industry, Microsoft has announced its intention to suspend the right of customers to use versions of its Windows operating system software prior to Windows 98. This suspension will take effect at 12:01 AM on March 1, 1999. "The effort to support both Windows-98 and earlier versions has been more arduous than forseen," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "While we understand the inconvenience this may cause, our ability to deliver quality products and service to our customers in the future will be greatly enhanced by taking Windows 3.1 and earlier out of the picture." But consumer groups and industry observers have blasted the move as outrageous. "I'm stunned," said Ralph Nader, long-time consumer advocate. "I have never seen anything like this before. The idea that a company could force its customers to throw away their property is repugnant beyond description." The controversy surrounds a document called a software license agreement, a legal contract that comes with nearly every copy of software sold through retail channels. Such contracts specify a wide array of terms and restrictions limiting how the purchaser may use the software. Legal analysts for years have been scrutinizing "shrinkwrap licenses," so named for their being enclosed within the clear plastic shrinkwrap packaging surrounding retail software. The agreements themselves have been around for years, attached to millions of programs. However, up until now, no one has ever taken them seriously. Microsoft asserts that it is well within its rights to revoke permission to use its software, citing clauses in the license agreement that comes with all the company's products. The agreement states that Microsoft may, upon delivering written notice, terminate the purchaser's right to use the software at any time. The document further asserts that the purchaser is not entitled to a refund when the license is terminated. "There are serious questions concerning the enforceability of such an agreement," said Mike Godwin, legal counsel for the Electronic Frontier Foundation. "Chief among these are whether a company like Microsoft can impose terms and conditions on a retail sale after the fact." Since no such agreements are ever read or signed before the software is purchased, Godwin believes that a court would hold the agreement to be invalid. "I'd throw the case out in a second." This liklihood, however, has not slowed Windows users everywhere from expressing near-universal outrage at the move, setting the world-wide Internet ablaze with vitriol. Writes one upset user, "I've paid a total of over five hundred f---ing dollars for Windows and upgrades over the years, and now they expect me to just throw it away? What's Bill been smoking up there?" Another user writes, "This so called 'agreement' is garbage... I paid for the program, I have the receipt; it's mine." Not so, says Microsoft: "What the user has actually bought is the right to use the software, subject to the terms of the agreement," said a Microsoft legal representative. "The software itself remains the property of Microsoft." Since nearly all computer software today is purchased through normal retail channels, Microsoft was asked how users knew they had entered into a contract without signing anything. "The agreement clearly states that any use of the software is a positive indication that the customer has read, understands, and agrees to be bound by the terms of the contract," said Microsoft's lawyer. "We are simply exercising our rights under the agreement, which the customer agreed to when they installed the software." When asked how a user might voice objection to the agreement's terms, Microsoft's lawyer responded: "If any part of the agreement is not to their liking, they can return the software to the place of purchase for a full refund." Microsoft went on to state that, as a rule, it does not negotiate license terms with individual users. "The drain on our department would be staggering if we did that." The move has sparked a flurry of calls by panicked users to other software publishers who also enclose license agreements with their products. Adobe Systems in Mountain View, CA, reports receiving over ten thousand calls over the last 24 hours. Microsoft's arch-rival, Netscape Communications, is rumored to be considering removing its agreement from its products entirely. Though declining official comment, a source requesting anonymity said that, "We never really needed the agreement. Copyright and trademark law already protect our rights." According to Microsoft, on March 1, 1999, all licenses to use versions of Windows prior to Windows-98 will be terminated, and users will be required to delete the software from their machine. Individuals for whom this would cause extreme hardship may apply to Microsoft to receive a one-year extension to their existing license for a modest fee. "This is bull----," wrote John Gilmore, co-founder of Sun Microsystems, on an Internet message forum. "Tomorrow I'm deleting every copy of Windows in this building and installing LINUX." "What's truly irksome is that someone somewhere is going to have to go bankrupt fighting this in court," said Leo Schwab, a senior software engineer in Redwood City, CA. "This really sucks." :End forwarded message From - Tue Jan 12 11:23:34 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA19953 for ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 00:07:58 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 00:52:27 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 00:59:47 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF1FD@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: A few cute ones! Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 00:59:44 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4073 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Saturday, January 09, 1999 8:43 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: A few cute ones! Thanks Nik! > > The Spoon > > > > I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in > > the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed > > a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy > > came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his > > breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, > > waitresses, busboys, etc. > > had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our > > order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" > > > > "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen > > Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after > > months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop > > spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a > > frequency of 3 > > spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this > > contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and > > save > > time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a > > "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a > > fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the > > next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making > > a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I > > had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our > > orders. > > > > As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back > > & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the > > corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, > > black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; > > yet I > > had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & > > busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity > > overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to > > ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that > > string?" > > > > "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that > > observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the > > Men's room, too." > > > > "How's that?" > > > > "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull > > it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the > > need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" > > > > "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process, I > > asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how > > do you get it back in?" > > > > "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my > > spoon" > > > > > > A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves > > and > > > >engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting > > behind them > > > >ignores their conversation at first, but her > > attention is > > > >galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the > > following; > > > >"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come > > together. > > > >I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I > > come again > > > >and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more." > > > >"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady > > indignantly. "In > > > >this country we don't talk about our sex lives in > > public!" > > > >Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa > > tellun my > > > >friend howa to spella Mississippi." > > > > > > > > From - Tue Jan 12 11:23:34 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA20043 for ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 00:09:35 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 00:54:09 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 01:01:29 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF1FE@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Love that last one! Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 01:01:27 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1863 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Saturday, January 09, 1999 8:45 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Love that last one! > >> Yes, it adds up to 100% > >> > >>ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: > >>12% Monday > >>23% Tuesday > >>40% Wednesday > >>20% Thursday > >> 5% Friday > >> > >>FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. > >> > >>One good thing about Alzheimer's: > >>You get to meet new people every day > >> > >>FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! > >>it comes bundled with the software. > >> > >>I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, > >>not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. > >> > >>West Virginia: Five Million People, Fifteen last names. > >> > >>Montana: At Least Our Cows Are Sane. > >> > >>What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? > >> > >>It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. > >> > >>If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? > >> > >>HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW! > >> > >>If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. > >> > >>A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one terrific party. > >> > >>When blondes have more fun, do they know it? > >> > >>REMEMBER: HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. > >> > >>What happens if you get scared half to death twice? > >> > >>Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. > >> > >>A closed mouth gathers no foot. > >> > >>The trouble with life is there's no background music. > >> > >> From - Tue Jan 12 11:23:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA23151 for ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:03:51 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:48:25 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:55:48 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF216@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Darwin Award Addition...guy on eletricial tower. Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:55:46 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2461 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 1999 7:49 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Darwin Award Addition...guy on eletricial tower. Another nominee for this year's Darwin Award. (Given posthumously to an individual whose withdrawal from the gene pool significantly advanced the evolution of mankind.) There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower. From - Tue Jan 12 11:23:56 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA23443 for ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:06:22 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:50:53 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:58:13 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF217@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: lol! Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:58:11 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1596 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 1999 7:51 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: lol! Hahahahah!!! A couple of drinking buddies, who are United Airplane mechanics, are in a hanger at San Francisco airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that t will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great ... no hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels. "I feel great!" he says. His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?" "No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well...don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix! From - Tue Jan 12 11:23:56 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA23558 for ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:07:37 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:52:08 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:59:28 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF218@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: door to door (NAR)] Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:59:27 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1135 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 1999 7:52 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: FW: door to door (NAR)] A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?" The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him" From - Tue Jan 12 11:23:59 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id JAA13983 for ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 09:58:34 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 10:43:06 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 12 Jan 1999 10:50:20 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C9EF219@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: More Jokes for the day! Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 10:50:19 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3016 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 1999 8:18 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: More Jokes for the day! >A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking >military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was >the last time he had had sex. > > "1956," was his immediate reply. > >"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out >more." > > "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's >only 2014 now." ********************************************** >>There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a >>shot >>of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest >>mouse >>in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting >>mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning >> >>coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day." >> >>The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- >>throws >>his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. >>I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever >>and >>make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench >>press >>it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to >> >>the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my >>morning routine." >> >>The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he >> >>sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm >>going to go home and screw the cat." **************************************** >> A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead >> halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse >> than usual. Nothing's even moving." >> >> He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of >> cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the >> hold up?" >> >> The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the >> impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway >> and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. >> >> He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he >> owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him." >> >> "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" >> >> "So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks >> still siphoning." >> From - Tue Jan 19 03:30:56 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA01712 for ; Mon, 18 Jan 1999 23:41:55 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 00:25:17 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 00:33:24 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD508@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: The Blonde Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 00:33:21 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2581 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Saturday, January 16, 1999 8:45 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: The Blonde > > > > This blonde got a brand new sports car for her 16th > > birthday. While > > she > > > > was out driving around she cut off a tractor trailer > > driver. The > > driver > > > > motioned her to pull of to the side of the road. > > When she pulled > > over, > > > > the truck pulled behind her and the driver got out. > > He took a piece > > of > > > > chalk out of his pocket and drew a circle on the > > pavement and told > > the > > > > blond to get in the circle and not get out. He went > > over to her car > > and > > > > cut up her leather seats. When he turns around the > > blonde has a > > funny > > > > smirk on her face. The driver says "You think that > > is funny do you? > > > Watch > > > > this." He goes to his truck and pulls out a > > baseball bat and > > proceeds > > > to > > > > smash all of her windows. When he looks at her, she > > is smiling from > > ear > > > > to ear. > > > > This really makes the driver even madder than > > before. He pulls out > > his > > > > knife and slashes all of her tires. He looks back > > at the blonde and > > she > > > > is laughing really hard. Now the trucker is in a > > rage. He goes to > > his > > > > truck and gets a can of gas and dumps it on her car > > and lights it. > > He > > > > looks at the blonde and she is just laughing > > uncontollably and > > rolling > > > > around on the ground. The trucker asks her, "What > > is so funny? I > > just > > > > destroyed your brand new sports car." She replies, > > "When you > > weren't > > > > looking I stepped out of the circle four times." > > > > > > ______________________________________________________________________ > > _ > > > > > > > > Did you hear about the Arkansas millonaire who left > > his entire > > estate to > > > > his wife when he died? > > > > Of course, she can't touch it until she's thirteen. > > > > > > > > > > From - Tue Jan 19 03:30:57 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA03181 for ; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 00:00:18 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 00:43:53 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 00:37:00 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD509@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: small towns Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 00:36:58 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4215 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Saturday, January 16, 1999 8:46 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: small towns My hometown is very small, especially when I graduated so long ago. . . **Mine Too... :P YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF: > > > > 1. You can name everyone you are going to graduate with. > > 2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home. > > 3. You know what 4-H is. > > 4. You ever went to a "headlight parties". > > 5. You have ever "cruzed the strip" > > 6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour. > > 7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police > > officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones > > won't. > > 8. You ever went cow-tipping. > > 9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is > > the 'buyer' for all of the best parties. > > 10. You have parties at the same guy's house. > > 11. Almost everyone in your school also has a cousin in your > school. > > 12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events. > > 13. The town's social events are the school's events > > 14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks > knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyway). > > 15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy > > smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back > > roads to smoke them. > > 16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the > > old, rich farmers who met each morning at a local shop for > > the latest smut. > > 17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade. > > 18. People actually go home for Homecoming after they graduate > > 19. You run to the store for milk and it takes you an hour. > > 20. No place sells gas on Sunday. > > 21. Friday night fun consists of standing in line for the one > > screen theater to see a movie that came out six months ago. > > 22. When the theater is sold out, you spend your Friday night > > watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop, > > the only place open after 10:00. > > 23. It is cool to date someone from the neighboring town. > > 24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery... on a date. > > 25. You order your wardrobe out of a catalog. > > 26. You have senior skip day. > > 27. The whole school goes to the same parties after graduation. > > 28. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks. > > 29. Whenever you decide to walk to school for exercise, twenty cars > > pulled over and offered you a lift. > > 30. You could set your book bag out in the hall at lunch time and it > > would still be there when you came out of the cafeteria. > > 31. There are three generations of your family on the same bleacher > > row at every home game. > > 32. You know all the old veterans carrying the flags in the > > 4th of July parade. > > 33. You know everybody in the 4th of July parade. > > 34. Your only newspaper is a weekly. > > 35. The mall in the next town has more stores than your > > entire home town. > > 36. Loitering isn't a bad thing; it's the only thing. > > 37. A gas station and IGA are the only franchised businesses > > in town. > > 38. When there's a funeral in town, everything closes except > > the gas station and the IGA. > > 39. You refer to THE stop sign. > > 40. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but > > by references ("Turn right by Harold's Hardware, go two blocks > > past the Andersons', and it's the fourth house on the left past > > the football field.) From - Wed Jan 20 08:39:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA09604 for ; Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:04:13 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:47:36 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:55:49 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD518@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Computer Gender Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:55:47 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1972 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 1999 12:58 PM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Computer Gender A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts. The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations. The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. From - Wed Jan 20 08:39:54 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA09458 for ; Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:02:13 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:45:31 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:53:52 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD517@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Something to offend everyone... Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 00:53:51 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3096 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 1999 12:55 PM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Something to offend everyone... Something to offend everyone... Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home." Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? A: White fairy tales start, "Once upon a time....". Black fairy tales start, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....." Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off! Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay. Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball. Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she's given her last blow job. Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: Cough, gag, choke, etc. Q: What did one gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit? Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it? Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb. Q: What's the definition of Trust? A: Two cannibals giving each other a blow job. Q: How do you find a blonde in long grass? A: Pleasing! Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A: Bingo! Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A: When the big hand touches the little hand. Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'. Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day. Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope. From - Thu Jan 21 22:22:31 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id GAA05408 for ; Thu, 21 Jan 1999 06:58:37 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:42:01 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:50:20 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD527@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Corporate Lingo _This seems oddly familiar???? Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:50:18 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1644 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Thursday, January 21, 1999 6:47 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Corporate Lingo _This seems oddly familiar???? Corporate Lingo Translated "Join our fast-paced company." ... We have no time to train you. "Casual work atmosphere." ... We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "Must be deadline oriented." ... You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "Some overtime required." ... Some time each night and some time each weekend. "Duties will vary." ... Anyone in the office can boss you around. "Must have an eye for detail." ... We have no quality control. "No phone calls please." ... We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience." ... You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "Problem-solving skills a must." ... You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "Requires team leadership skills." .. You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "Good communication skills." ... Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. From - Thu Jan 21 22:22:31 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA06161 for ; Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:06:51 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:50:15 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:58:33 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD528@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: ha! I sent this once LOOONG ago, but it has some new entries and is still funny! Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:58:31 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5774 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin=20 > Sent: Thursday, January 21, 1999 6:52 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; > Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric > Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John > Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; > Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole > Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: ha! I sent this once LOOONG ago, but it has some new > entries and is still funny! >=20 > Stephen Wright Humor > > > > > >Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door > went > > >nuts. > > > > > >If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that > > >considered a hostage situation? > > > > > >Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't > live > > >there. > > > > > >If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? > > > > > >Whatever happened to preparations A through G? > > > > > >If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? > > > > > >So what's the speed of dark? > > > > > >How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? > > > > > >Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? > > > > > >I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me > are > > >furious. > > > > > >Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? > > > > > >Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the > Special > > >Olympics? > > > > > >Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste > funny? > > > > > >When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a > woman > > >talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. > > > > > >If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? > > > > > >Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? > > > > > >Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? > > > > > >Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people > appear >=20 > > >bright until you hear them speak? > > > > > >How come abbreviated is such a long word? > > > > > >If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice = as > cold >=20 > > >tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? > > > > > >Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the > battery is >=20 > > >dead? > > > > > >Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? > Shouldn't > > >they be called builts? > > > > > >Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? > > > > > >Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they > > >already know you don't have? > > > > > >If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the = universe > is > > >expanding, what is it expanding into? > > > > > >If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, > would > the > > >taxi driver end up owing you money? > > > > > >What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? > > > > > >If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do > the > > >other trees make fun of it? > > > > > >Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? > > > > > >When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near = miss?? > It > > >sounds like a near hit to me!! > > > > > >Do fish get cramps after eating? > > > > > >Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? > > > > > >Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in > charge > of > > >everything outdoors? > > > > > >Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? > > > > > >If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? > > > > > >When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? > > > > > >Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, > it's > > >not adoor? > > > > > >Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. > Tell > > >him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. > > > > > >How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always > ducked > > >when someone threw a gun at him? > > > > > >If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of > progress? > > > > > >Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but > > >dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? > > > > > >Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? > > > > > >Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? > > > > > >Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? > > > > > >Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a > suitcase? =3D > > > > > > Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? > > > > > >What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? > > > > > > >Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? > > > > > >If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys > and > > >apes? > > > > > >Would you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? > > > > > >Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? > > > > > >Do married people live longer than single people or does it just > SEEM > > >longer? > > > > > >I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the > self-help > > >section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. > > > > > >If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are > they all >=20 > > >still working? > > > > > >Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? > > > > > >War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >"I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve. I have a history > of > > >losing my shirt." > > > -- Bare Naked Ladies > > > > > > > > > > > >=20 >=20 >=20 From - Sat Jan 23 18:15:44 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA20728 for ; Sat, 23 Jan 1999 14:45:06 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Sat, 23 Jan 1999 15:28:24 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 23 Jan 1999 15:36:45 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD539@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Oh man this is funny... Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 15:36:44 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2969 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, January 22, 1999 9:41 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; > Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric > Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John > Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; > Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole > Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; > Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Oh man this is funny... > > > > We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm > data that Is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as: > Millennium Year Application Software System (MYASS). > Next Monday at 9:00 am there will be a meeting in which I will show > MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout > the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good > look at MYASS. As for the status of implementation of the program, I > have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one > person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed > after MYASS expands. > Several people are using the program already and have come to depend > on it. Just this morning, I walked into a subordinate's office and was > not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've > noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid > of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into > the program I had a secretary say to me, "I'm a little nervous, I've > never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through > her first time, and, when we were through, she admitted that it was > relatively painless, and that she was actually looking forward to > doing it again. She went so far as to say that, after using SAP and > ORACLE, she was ready to kiss MYASS. > I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon > initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been > eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, > protection will be mandatory prior to entering MYASS. We planned this > database to encompass all information associated with the business. > So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want > into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be > commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an > employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS." > This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company > during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical > data, the agency representatives were amazed how quickly we provided > the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so > rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated, "Simple, I just > pulled them out of MYASS." > From - Sat Jan 23 18:15:44 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA20876 for ; Sat, 23 Jan 1999 14:46:16 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Sat, 23 Jan 1999 15:29:39 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 23 Jan 1999 15:38:00 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD53A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: The Contractor Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 15:37:58 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1996 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, January 22, 1999 10:16 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: The Contractor ---------------------- Forwarded by David C Lufkin/CedarRapids/Collins/Rockwell on 01/22/99 09:15 AM --------------------------- A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street." From - Tue Jan 26 10:26:02 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA09469 for ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 00:39:17 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:22:30 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:30:46 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD547@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: More Jokes... Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:30:44 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 8707 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, January 25, 1999 12:43 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: More Jokes... > > > > =-> SO FAT, > Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was > backing up > Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" > Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. > Yo momma so fat were in her right now > Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise > Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone > Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors > Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... > Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her > for then new world > Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling > Free Willy > Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! > Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! > Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says > "okay!" > Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" > Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized > Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway > Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller > Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets > Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th > Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too > Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" > Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE > HOUSE! > Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, > please" > Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. > Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. > Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. > Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do > livestock. > Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! > Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! > Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! > Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! > Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! > Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! > Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., > Chicago... > Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. > Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! > Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! > Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet > spot to fuck her! > Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the > bitches good side! > Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! > Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride > HER! > Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george > washington's nose. > Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! > Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! > Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! > Yo momma so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! > Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! > Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! > Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! > Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! > Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! > Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! > Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! > Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! > Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! > Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! > Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! > Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! > Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like > she's wearin tights! > Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! > Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! > Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! > Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. > Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" > Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! > Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! > Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th > Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too > Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please > Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! > Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! > Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. > Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. > Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee > jumping > Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee > jumping, they hit the ground. > Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. > Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. > Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. > Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to > get up again. > Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. > Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of > gas. > Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. > Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. > Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. > Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! > Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. > Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her > Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. > Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. > Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came > back she had on flip flops. > Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family > Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass > Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie > on the other side just to get her through > Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they > have to install speed bumps. > Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. > Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. > Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. > Yo momma so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try > to land on her back! > Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. > Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her > back in the water > Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out > Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth > Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite > pictures > Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. > Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her > waist they spelled out boulevard. > Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George > Washington's nose. > Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. > Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. > Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up > and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... > Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode > the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. > Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. > Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. > Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. > Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her > through a tunnel when they want to clean it. > Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that > rock?" > Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the > green arrow! > Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch > marks. > Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her > farts!!! > Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because > we dressed her as a Chevrolet. > > > From - Tue Jan 26 10:26:03 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA09699 for ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 00:41:47 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:25:05 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:33:25 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD548@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Jokes Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:33:22 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4102 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin=20 > Sent: Monday, January 25, 1999 1:11 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan = Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; = Todd > Miller > Subject: Jokes >=20 > Subject: New sayings that should be on buttons... >=20 >=20 > 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. >=20 > 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. >=20 > 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? >=20 > 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. >=20 > 5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. >=20 > 6. Do I look like a freakin' people person? >=20 > 7. This isn't an office -- It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. >=20 > 8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. >=20 > 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. >=20 > 10. If I throw a stick, will you leave? >=20 > 11. You! Off my planet! >=20 > 12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. >=20 > 13. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of > self-control. >=20 > 14. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. >=20 > 15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. >=20 > 16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! >=20 > 17. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put = shoes > on > my cat. >=20 > 18. Does your train of thought have a caboose? >=20 > 19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? >=20 > 20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. >=20 > 21. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? >=20 > 22. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. >=20 > 23. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... >=20 > 24. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. >=20 > 25. A PBS mind in an MTV world. >=20 > 26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. >=20 > 27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." >=20 > 28. Better living through denial. >=20 > 29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. >=20 > 30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after > them. >=20 > 31. Adult child of alien invaders. >=20 > 32. Do they ever shut up on your planet? >=20 > 33. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. >=20 > 34. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. >=20 > 35. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. >=20 > 36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. >=20 > 37. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. >=20 > 38. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't > fallen > asleep yet. >=20 > 39. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards. >=20 > 41. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? >=20 > 42. Back off! You're standing in my aura. >=20 > 43. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. >=20 > 44. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me. >=20 > 45. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? >=20 > 46. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? >=20 > 47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. >=20 > 48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. >=20 > 49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? >=20 > 50. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. >=20 > 51. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. >=20 > 52. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. >=20 > 53. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. >=20 > 54. You look awful. Is that the style now? >=20 > 55. I plead contemporary insanity. >=20 > 56. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. >=20 > 57. How do I set a laser printer to stun? >=20 > 58. It ain't the size, it's..... no wait -- it IS the size. >=20 > 59. Meandering to a different drummer. >=20 > 60. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. >=20 >=20 > >=20 >=20 >=20 From - Tue Jan 26 10:26:04 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA07035 for ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:57:15 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 08:40:29 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 08:48:49 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD550@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 1/25/99 Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 08:48:46 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2617 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, January 25, 1999 12:42 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 1/25/99 > > ******************************************************************* > > What did the Zen monk say to the New York hot dog man? > "Make me one with everything." > > Zen Laxitive - All things will pass. > > ******************************************************************* > Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!" > Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! > Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! > Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. > It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get > used to the front seat! > You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her cunt was too busy. > Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. > Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. > Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. > Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. > Yo momma twice the man you are. > Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. > Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. > Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her > ear. > Yo momma middle name is Rambo. > Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no > more." > Yo momma rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy > Meals. > Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her > birthday. > If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and > make him walk backwards. > Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. > Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo. > Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck. > I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle. > I saw your momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she > was doing, and she said "Moving." > Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. > > ********************************************************************** > ********************** > > From - Tue Jan 26 10:26:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA08575 for ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 00:27:38 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:10:54 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:19:07 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD546@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 1/25/99 Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:19:05 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2617 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, January 25, 1999 12:42 PM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Daily Jokes for 1/25/99 > > ******************************************************************* > > What did the Zen monk say to the New York hot dog man? > "Make me one with everything." > > Zen Laxitive - All things will pass. > > ******************************************************************* > Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!" > Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! > Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! > Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. > It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get > used to the front seat! > You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her cunt was too busy. > Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. > Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. > Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. > Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. > Yo momma twice the man you are. > Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. > Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. > Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her > ear. > Yo momma middle name is Rambo. > Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no > more." > Yo momma rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy > Meals. > Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her > birthday. > If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and > make him walk backwards. > Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. > Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo. > Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck. > I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle. > I saw your momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she > was doing, and she said "Moving." > Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. > > ********************************************************************** > ********************** > > From - Wed Jan 27 09:55:14 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA18960 for ; Wed, 27 Jan 1999 07:57:25 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:40:42 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:49:00 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD558@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: an oldie but a goodie Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:48:58 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3332 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, January 27, 1999 7:45 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: an oldie but a goodie This is a true story from WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organisation for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: Telephone Assistant: May I help you? Customer: Yes, well, Iim having trouble with WordPerfect. A: What sort of trouble? C: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. A: Went away? C: They disappeared. A: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? C: Nothing. A: Nothing? C: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. A: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? C: How do I tell? A: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? C: What's a sea-prompt? A: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? C: There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type. A: Does your monitor have a power indicator? C: What's a monitor? A: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? C: I don't know. A: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? C: Yes, I think so. A: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. C: ...Yes, it is! A: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? C: No. A: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. C: ...Okay, here it is. A: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. C: I can't reach. A: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? C: No. A: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? C: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle and it's because it's dark. A: Dark? C: Yes and the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. A: Well, turn on the office light then. C: I can't. A: No? Why not? C: Because there's a power outage. A: A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? C: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. A: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. C: Really? Is it that bad? A: Yes, I'm afraid it is. C: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? A: Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer. From - Sat Jan 30 08:08:23 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA20253 for ; Sat, 30 Jan 1999 01:29:16 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Sat, 30 Jan 1999 02:12:33 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 30 Jan 1999 02:20:49 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD56A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: The Usual excuses Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 02:20:47 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1944 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, January 29, 1999 9:18 AM > To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: The Usual excuses > > It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are > spending the day at the zoo. > She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless > with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is > not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they > pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the > gorilla goes crazy. > He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he > grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously > excited about the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing > the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife, > teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her > lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. > She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that > would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her > straps fall to show a little more skin. > She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. > "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." > She does and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's > doing flips. > Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the > cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. > "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." From - Wed Feb 3 13:21:28 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA29100 for ; Wed, 3 Feb 1999 08:23:52 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Wed, 3 Feb 1999 09:07:02 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 3 Feb 1999 09:15:15 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD58E@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Okay, there are alot of jokes here, but they are all pretty c ool so good luck and try to get to them all! Thanks Dad! Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 09:15:13 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 19143 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, February 03, 1999 7:59 AM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Okay, there are alot of jokes here, but they are all pretty cool so good luck and try to get to them all! Thanks Dad! ****************************************** BRAIN FOG A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...perhaps toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Clones are people two. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. As I said before, I never repeat myself! If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. *************************************************** Subject: A Very Moving Memorial My husband and I were deeply touched by a monument we saw this weekend. I want to share it with you. It was placed on a tall upright stone about 4 feet high. On top of the stone were two other smaller stones, one longer (horizontally placed) and a smaller one on top of it so that it almost looked like a tiny boat. A worn, weather-aged metal plaque was permanently cemented into the large stone that read, "On this very spot, on December 29 in the year 1849, absolutely nothing happened!" ***************************************************** >From an article in The Magazine of American Mensa Richard Milhous Nixon was the first American president whose full name contained all the letter in the word CRIMINAL. Now we have a second president whose complete name contains the letters in the word CRIMINAL. That presidents name is William Jefferson Clinton. Pretty weird huh? ******************************************************* The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine". 1.) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter ... Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia -------------------------------------------------------- 2.) It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again. Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York --------------------------------------------------------- 3.) One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???" --------------------------------------------------------- 4.) A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..." *********************************************** Therapy A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare. **************************************************** PRODUCTIVITY REVIEW A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year" The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year" The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over five times a month. You can learn from this one also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year" The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow." ******************************************************* Insurance Money A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter... Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..." ************************************************* A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. *************************************************** Chicken wire An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat." ******************************************************* A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase.. in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" *********************************************** Subject: jar of money A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?" Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." Man: "What are the three tests?" Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Bartender: "You're call. But your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?" **************************************************** Subject: Why men are the way they are.... Here are some interesting insights to why men are the way they are.... 1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. 2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words. 5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to, we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world now a days. 7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please, how many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men . . . Men hunters . . . Need go roam . . . Starve in cave . . . Must go find wildebeest . . . Now sitting on our asses for hours on end, on the other hand, is a whole other story. 9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho . . . aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly it actually still works quite well. 12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things if we have no intention of killing? Err . . . buying? ************************************************* From - Sat Feb 6 08:28:27 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA03789 for ; Sat, 6 Feb 1999 00:58:13 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Sat, 6 Feb 1999 01:44:35 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 6 Feb 1999 01:52:49 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD5A2@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Ladies, this ones for you... Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 01:52:47 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2030 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, February 05, 1999 12:33 PM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; > Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita > Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty > Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Ladies, this ones for you... > > > ****************************************************** > A Woman's Random Thoughts > By: Lynn Hannon > > I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are > eating > too > much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they > kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. > > Skinny people make me mad! > Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to > eat." > Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. > But > I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of "stupid" > to > forget to eat. > > A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She > had > 14 kids, but she doesn't care. > > They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all > that > communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, > how'd > you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as > a > bell my body said, "listen here.. do it and you die." > > The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing > (and then they marry him). > > I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than > 30 > can fit into their stuff. > > "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How > intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" > > Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! > From - Sat Feb 6 08:28:27 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA29083 for ; Sat, 6 Feb 1999 08:04:20 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Sat, 6 Feb 1999 08:50:46 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 6 Feb 1999 08:59:02 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD5AC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Got Milk? Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 08:58:59 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1261 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Saturday, February 06, 1999 7:36 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: FW: Got Milk? -----Original Message----- From: Nlynk@aol.com [mailto:Nlynk@aol.com] Sent: Friday, February 05, 1999 5:20 PM To: Scott.Lufkin@telethinking.com; Dale_K_Morris@amat.com; KEVUSMC@aol.com Subject: Got Milk? Thought it was funny! Nicole Got Milk? >========== > >A man walks into a tee shirt store. >There are three shirts on display. > >The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. >Below the picture is "Got Milk." > >The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white >mustache. Below the picture is "Forgot milk." >The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white >mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk." >______________________________________ From - Wed Feb 10 09:33:08 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA29367 for ; Tue, 9 Feb 1999 23:45:11 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40339>; Wed, 10 Feb 1999 00:31:38 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 10 Feb 1999 00:39:56 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD5B3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: FAMILY DEFINITIONS DEPT.... Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 00:39:54 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1992 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, February 09, 1999 1:53 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: FAMILY DEFINITIONS DEPT.... FAMILY DEFINITIONS DEPT.... AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him/her. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house... From - Thu Feb 11 10:16:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA17480 for ; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 08:14:20 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:00:08 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGG9G>; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:09:03 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD5C2@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Leader... Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:09:02 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1445 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Thursday, February 11, 1999 7:32 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: FW: Leader... Election Facts: A friend of mine came across an article in the Western Legislatures magazine that I thought I would share with you. It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening. Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs. Which of these candidates is your choice?? Scroll down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler Kind of Scary... From - Fri Feb 12 09:11:08 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA14427 for ; Fri, 12 Feb 1999 00:04:00 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Fri, 12 Feb 1999 00:49:46 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGHV5>; Fri, 12 Feb 1999 00:58:42 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD5C8@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: lots of jokes.... Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 00:58:40 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 9073 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Thursday, February 11, 1999 2:18 PM To: Andrea D. II; Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jat at Work; Jay Godbey; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: lots of jokes.... ------------------------ Paparelli was hung like a horse. He died with an erection, and with rigor mortis, well, the funeral home staff had quite a job ahead of them! They tried strapping it to his body, but it pulled him up into a standing position. They tied it to his leg, but his leg sprang up in the air! The funeral director called Mrs. Paparelli as to what to do, and she told them to cut it off and shove it up his ass. The undertaker wondered why he hadn't thought of that himself. At the funeral, the widow noticed that there was a pained expression on the dead mans face. There was even a tear in the corner of his eye. She leaned over and whispered, "See, you bastard, I told you it hurts!" --------- A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable motherfucker!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." --------- YOUR MOMMA IS SO FAT... a.. I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side. b.. When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. c.. They had to grease a door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her through. d.. When she dances she makes the band skip. e.. Instead of Levi's 501 jeans she wears Levi's 1002s. f.. When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. g.. When I yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!" she comes crashing through the wall. h.. She puts mayonaise on aspirin. i.. Her ass has its own congressman. j.. Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. k.. When God said "Let there be light" he told her to move her fat ass out of the way. l.. When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER peanuts. m.. When your father mounts her his ears pop. n.. Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. o.. Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." p.. She can't even jump to a conclusion. q.. Her nickname is "DAMN!" r.. The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. s.. She has to iron her pants on the driveway. t.. The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds. --------- The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we-" "I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "you don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me-Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars." ---------- George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge. That very evening, Fred noticed that George's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George's wife in the act of performing oral sex. The very next day Fred calls out to George, "Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night. George replies, "Hahaha. Liar! I wasn't home last night. -------- >Seeing as how Saddam Hussein is acting like an idiot again, I thought these > Iraqi one-liners would be appropriate for today...but, just in case you >don't like 'em, there is another joke if you scroll on down. >Q. What do you get with a tent full of Iraqi women? >A. A complete set of teeth >Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? A. They both >want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from! Q: What is the >best Iraqi job? >A: Foreign Ambassador > >Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? >A. You only have to teach them to take off. >Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo? >A. B-52...F-16...B-2...F-117...B-1 >Q: What is Iraq's national bird? >A: Duck > >Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? >A: Aeroflot has killed more people. >Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? >A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. >Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? >A: So they can see their Air Force. >Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss? >A. He elected to receive ============== An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." **POOF*** The Arab is turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached. From - Tue Feb 16 08:28:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA27350 for ; Tue, 16 Feb 1999 00:04:42 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 16 Feb 1999 00:50:30 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGJPH>; Tue, 16 Feb 1999 00:59:23 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD5E2@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: For all those in my department especially!!!! Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 00:59:21 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1502 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, February 15, 1999 2:48 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: For all those in my department especially!!!! Subject: Now That's Helpful A man was flying in a hot air balloon and realized he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below shouted back, "Yes! You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field!" "You must work in Information Technology!" said the balloonist. "I do," replied the man on the ground. "How did you know?" "Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." Unfazed, the man below said, "You must work in management." Surprised, the balloonist replied, "I do. How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's somehow my fault." From - Tue Feb 16 08:28:02 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA27531 for ; Tue, 16 Feb 1999 00:06:27 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 16 Feb 1999 00:52:15 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGJP2>; Tue, 16 Feb 1999 01:01:03 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CACD5E3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Vet diagnosis Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 01:01:00 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1950 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, February 15, 1999 2:48 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Vet diagnosis A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for > > help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him > > put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the > > still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his > > dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to > > accept this, demands a second opinion. > > > > The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts > > the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks > > from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks > > at the vet and meows. > > > > The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks > > that your dog is dead, too." > > > > The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the > > vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to > > tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and > > says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. > > > > " The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks > > how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." > > > > "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. > > > > "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my > > initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the Cat scan and Lab tests. From - Tue Feb 23 12:07:56 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA14428 for ; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 01:38:12 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 02:24:00 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVG3FQ>; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 02:32:50 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AC3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: more humor Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 02:32:49 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4874 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, February 19, 1999 9:48 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: more humor Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Nothing in >>> Particular.... >>> >>> >>> Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. >>> Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. >>> The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. >>> No one in Greece is known to have memorized all 158 verses. >>> >>> There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. >>> The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. >>> A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. (I guess the >>> others just wink.) >>> >>> There are more chickens than people in the world. >>> Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. >>> The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." >>> (Unless, of course, you're falling off a cliff, then the word becomes >>> "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" >>> >>> All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. >>> No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or >>> purple. >>> >>> "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." >>> All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on >>>the back of the $5 bill. >>> >>> >>> Almonds are a member of the peach family. >>> Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. >>> >>> >>> Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. >>> There are only four words in the English language which end in >>> "-dous": >>> tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. >>> Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade >>> los Angeles de Porciuncula" >>> >>> * and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: as "L.A." >>> >>> A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. >>> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. >>> Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. >>> In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time >>> displayed on a watch is 10:10. >>> >>> Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. >>> The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. >>> When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, >>> the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. >>> >>> >>> The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert >>> the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful >>> Life." >>> >>> >>> A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. >>> A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. >>> On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper >>> left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the >>> front upper right-hand corner. >>> >>> >>> It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at >>> home!) >>> >>> The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. >>> Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? >>> Paul Reiser himself. >>> >>> The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the >>> creator, >>> Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence >>> "Oz." >>> >>> The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube >>> and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. >>> >>> Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. >>> John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. >>> The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. >>> There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. >>> "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left >>> hand. >>> >>> These really are symbols only a man can appreciate!!! >>> >>> First there were smileys... then came the e-mail ass symbols......now >>> we >>> find there are breasts symbols. YES!! It's about time! >> >> (o)(o) perfect breasts >> >> ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts >> >> (*)(*) high nipple breasts >> >> (@)(@) big nipple breasts >> >> oo a cups >> >> { O }{ O } d cups >> >> (oYo) wonder bra breasts >> >> ( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts >> >> (o)(O) lopsided breasts >> >> (Q)(O) pierced breasts >> >> (p)(p) hanging tassels breasts >> >> (:o )( o ) bitten by a vampire breasts >> >> \o/\o/ Grandma's breasts >> >> ( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts >> >> < o >< o > electric shock breasts >> >> |o||o| android breasts >> >> (/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch) >> >> (%)(o) extra nipple breasts >> >> ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts > From - Tue Feb 23 12:07:57 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA14539 for ; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 01:40:12 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 02:26:00 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVG3FS>; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 02:34:52 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AC4@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: In Tune Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 02:34:52 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2313 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, February 19, 1999 9:49 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: In Tune >>> >>A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The >>> >>passion is heating up. But, then the wife stops and says, >>> >>"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."The husband asks, >>> >>"WHAT??" >>> >>The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her >>> >>emotional needs as a woman. >>> >>The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight >>> >>and he might as well deal with it. >>> >>So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big >>> >>department store. He walks around and has her try on three >>> >>very expensive outfits. As she emerges from the fitting >>> >>room wearing the third outfit, he tells his wife, "we'll >>> >>take all three of them." He then leads her to the shoe >>> >>department, telling her to get matching shoes (worth $200 a >>> >>pair) for each outfit. From there, he goes to the jewelry >>> >>department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings. >>> >>he wife is SO excited. She thinks her husband has >>> >>flipped out, but she doesn't care. While in the jewelry >>> >>department, she asks him for a tennis bracelet. >>> >>The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but okay, >>> >>if you like it, then let's get it." >>> >>The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even >>> >>believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets >>> >>go to the cash register." The husband says. "No-no-no. >>> >>Honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff."The wife's face goes >>> >>blank. >>> >>"No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." >>> >>Her face gets really red and she is about to explode... >>> >>The husband smiles and then replies, "You must not be in >>> >>tune with my financial needs as a man! >>> >> >>> >> >>> > >> > > From - Tue Feb 23 12:07:58 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA17605 for ; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 08:55:17 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 09:41:02 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVG3MF>; Tue, 23 Feb 1999 09:49:57 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AD3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: A Pooh Huh Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 09:49:54 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3236 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, February 23, 1999 8:01 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Mark Kleihauer; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: FW: A Pooh Huh -----Original Message----- From: Wilson [mailto:wilson@ames.net] Sent: Monday, February 22, 1999 10:23 AM To: Buford and Stephanie Nash; Chico Caldwell; Duane Yee; george; Karen Kovarik; Lori Perkins; marjorie@pop-3.iastate.edu; Nikki Lynk; Sally Wilson; Sandy Oberbroeckling Subject: A Pooh Huh > > > > > > >> Send this bear to someone you care about ... if they care > > >> about you too..they''ll send it back to you ... so see how > > >> many people care about u!!!!! send it back > > >> > > >> > > >> YOU HAVE JUST BEEN HUGGED > > >> > > >> ,` \`-----'.. > > >> ,\ .~ ` - . > > >> ,' o |__ > > >> _| (#) > > >> _\ '`~-. ,' > > >> ,\ ,.-~-.' -., .'--~` > > >> / / } ` -..,/ > > >> / ,'___ :/ \ > > >> /'`-.| `'-..'........ \ > > >> ; \ )-....| > > >> | ' ---...........-' ,' > > >> ', ,...... ,' > > >> ' ,/ `, ,' > > >> \ ,.- ' > > >> ', ',-~'` ; ,=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D, > > >> | ; /__ ,' Hunny ', > > >> / /__ ) \ / > > >> '-. )----~' \______/ > > >> ' - .......-` > > >> > > >> PASS IT ON TO 5 PEOPLE AND SEND IT BACK TO THE > > >> PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU > > >> > > >> There's something in a simple hug That always warms the > > >> heart; It welcomes us back home And makes it easier to part. > > >> > > >> A hug's a way to share the joy And sad times we go through, > > >> Or just a way for friends to say They like you 'cause you're you. > > >> > > >> Hugs are meant for anyone For whom we really care, > > >> >From your grandma to your neighbor, Or a cuddly teddy bear. > > >> A hug is an amazing thing - It's just the perfect way > > >> To show the love we're feeling But can't find the words to say. > > >> It's funny how a little hug Makes everyone feel good; > > >> In every place and language, It's always understood. > > >> > > >> And hugs don't need new equipment, Special batteries or parts - > > >> Just open up your arms And open up your hearts. > > >> > > >> Keep this hug going :-) Pass it on to your buddies :-) From - Wed Feb 24 12:28:23 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA10279 for ; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 08:31:03 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:16:46 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGPJ4>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:25:35 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AE2@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: 26 things an enginerr won't say... Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:25:32 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2566 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, February 24, 1999 7:33 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: 26 things an enginerr won't say... Here's my top 26 things you'll never hear an Engineer say... 1.Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with absolutely no documentation? Love to! 2.More documentation? Love to! 3.Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working on a computer want to spend any of their free time playing computer games? 4.Join in a Quake game? No thanks, I'm leaving early to spend some quality time with my friends and family. 5.Please - not pizza again. 6.Who wrote this? I've never seen such clean code! It should take me no time at all to debug it. 7.I'm really more of a morning person myself. 8.I'd really like to work in a big corporate environment where I can wear all of my favorite ties. 9.Microsoft - all the tools and support you'll ever need. 10.I really don't know the answer to that question. 11.From a network guy - No I'm sure it's not an application issue - I probably just haven't segmented the LAN correctly - I'll get right on that. 12.From a developer - I have complete confidence in the network so why don't I just take a look at my code. 13. It's too simple, need more tables. 14. This field name is too descriptive, we love mystery here. 15. Please let me copy those 800MB source files over the network with my 32MB of RAM machine. 16. Yeah, give administrator permissions to EVERYBODY. 17. It will be done before deadline, under budget and with the extra features you wanted. 18. Oh, wow, more reports!!! WooHoo!!! 19. Data integrity?!?!? we don't need no stinky data integrity. 20. Go ahead, put that zip code in the Street name field. 21. We can always manually correct all those bad entries. 22. There's no real difference between Text Strings and Numbers, it's all zeros and ones after all... 23. Hey! I met the deadline! Woohoo! 24. Please let me wear a shirt and tie to work... I hate flip-flops. 25. Can you make a last minute change to the data structure. I like pressure. 26. Hey, call Microsoft! I bet they have the answer! From - Wed Feb 24 12:28:25 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA10468 for ; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 08:32:04 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:17:51 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGPJV>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:26:41 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AE3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Top 10 lists: Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:26:40 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1567 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, February 24, 1999 7:38 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Top 10 lists: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren't: 10. I need to whip it out by 5 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. HMMMMMMM......I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish 3. It's an entry-level position 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty at the office but isn't: 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there! Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Law, But Aren't: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in my chambers. 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off? From - Wed Feb 24 12:28:26 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA10656 for ; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 08:33:09 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:18:56 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGPJW>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:27:47 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AE4@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Y2K funny... Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:27:46 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2417 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, February 24, 1999 7:49 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Y2K funny... The Ballad Of The Y2K (sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island") Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date Two digits for a date RAM memory was smaller then; Hard drives were tiny, too. "Four digits are extravagant, So let's get by with two. So let's get by with two." "This works through 1999," The programmers did say. "Unless we write new code by then The data goes away. The data goes away." But management had not a clue; "It works fine now, you bet! Rewriting code cost money, We won't do it just yet. We won't do it just yet." Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to hell, For zero less then ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone can tell. The mail won't bring your pension check; It won't be sent to you When you're no longer sixty-eight But minus thirty-two. But minus thirty-two. The problems we're about to face Are frightening, for sure. And reading every line of code's The only certain cure. The only certain cure. [[ key change, the big finish coming]] There's not much time, there's too much code, And COBOL-coders, few. When the century is finished, We may be finished, too. From - Wed Feb 24 12:28:11 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA02603 for ; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 00:05:47 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 00:51:36 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGP1S>; Wed, 24 Feb 1999 01:00:22 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AD5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Oh man read the last one if nothing else! Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 01:00:19 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5784 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, February 23, 1999 12:42 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Oh man read the last one if nothing else! 11th Commandment Last week there was a very important meeting between God, Moses and the Pope. They were troubled because of the way President Bill was behaving. They decided the only course of action was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. The problem was how to word it so it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration to others. After prolonged meditation and discussion, they decided on: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff". Comprehensive Guide to Dogs -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- DOG PROPERTY LAWS 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME: 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) [Hey ladies, we men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look when you throw... as long as it's not a shoe.] 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: 10. A dog's parents will never visit you. 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7. A dog never expects you to telephone. 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog [The author doesn't know *my* dog.] 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 1. A dog does not shop. LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG: 1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 2. Don't go out without ID. 3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. 4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. 7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). 8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. Pillsbury Murder Boy -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store a while became concerned after an hour, and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. I wonder if some lawyer will now make them put a warning about this on your biscuits from now on. (Wouldn't it read something like this: "Warning: this explosive can may convince you that your brain's leaking out!!") From - Fri Feb 26 11:14:56 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA08334 for ; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 00:36:16 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40331>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:21:46 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGRB0>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:30:40 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AFA@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Ha! Everybody that is a man better answer C to everything! : ) Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:30:38 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5327 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, February 25, 1999 10:02 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; > John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda > Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; > Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty > Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Ha! Everybody that is a man better answer C to > everything! :) > > Subject: Men quiz > > Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these > questions. Know this, and you will have come far in > understanding them and enriching your own > life. Alyse, you should pay particular attention, > since you obviously don't understand men. > > 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society > visit the Earth, and you are the first human they > encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, > they present you with a small but incredibly > sophisticated device that is capable of curing all > disease, providing an infinite supply of clean > energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and > permanently eliminating oppression and violence > all over the entire Earth. You decide to: > A. Present it to the Prime Minister. > B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United > Nations. > C. Take it apart. > 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your > youthful life do you miss the most? > A. Innocence. > B. Idealism. > C. Fire crackers. > > 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? > A. When you wish to display simple and pure > affection without regard for narrow-minded social > conventions. > B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips). > C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino > and this is the only really sportsman like way to let > him know that, for business reasons, you have to > have him killed. > > 4. What about hugging another male? > A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a > fatal disease. > B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. > C. If you're a professional soccer player and a > teammate scores the goal to win the World Cup, > you may hug him provided that you also pound > him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause > fractures. > 5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: > A. A cat. > B. A dog. > C. A dog that eats cats. > > 6. You have been seeing a woman for several > years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you > always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday > afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're > watching a football game; she's reading the papers > - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells > you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can > no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where > your relationship is going. She says she's not > asking whether you want to get married; only > whether you believe that you have some kind of > future together. What do you say? > A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do > have a future, but you don't want to rush it. > B. That although you also have strong feelings for > her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready > anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and > you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. > C. That you cannot believe the Giants lost to Dallas > two weeks ago. > 7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a > woman and you want to share with her all of the joys > and sorrows that the world has to offer, come what > may. How do you tell her? > A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her > after dinner. > B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and > you say her name, and when she turns to you, with > the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her > eyes, you tell her. > C. Tell her what? > > 8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up > feeling ill and asks you to get your three children > ready for school. Your first question to her is: > A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" > B. "They're in school already?" > C. "There are three of them?" > > 9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran > underwear? > A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale > and developed new holes so large that you're not > sure which ones were originally intended for > your legs. > B. When it is down to eight loosely connected > underwear molecules and has to be handled with > tweezers. > C. It is never okay to throw away veteran > underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly > in case somebody, and we are not naming names, > but it might be his wife, is quietly trying to discard > his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, > because the guy seems to have a more intimate > relationship with it than with her. > > 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable > explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites > all over the place for forty years before they finally > got to the Promised Land? > A. He was being tested. > B. He wanted them to really appreciate the > Promised Land when they finally got there. > C. He refused to ask for directions. > > 11. What is the human race's single greatest > achievement? > A. Democracy. > B. Religion. > C. Remote control. > > From - Fri Feb 26 11:14:57 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA08518 for ; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 00:37:58 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40331>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:23:47 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGRCA>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:32:34 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AFB@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Jokepost jokes... Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:32:33 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2338 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Thursday, February 25, 1999 12:13 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Jokepost jokes... Cold Day in Hell!! One day a Cajun named Boudreaux died. After reviewing his life, he was sentenced to hell. Upon arrival, the devil decided to mess with this man. So the first night, while Boudreaux was sleeping, the devil turned up the thermostat. When Boudreaux awoke, the devil asked him what he thought of hell, to which the Cajun replied "Monsieur devil, this fells just like Bayou Black in the middle of July." Feeling somewhat flustered, the devil again turned up the heat that night. The next morning, the devil again asked Boudreaux what he thought of hell. Boudreaux replied "Oh, Mon cher devil, this feels like Bayou LaFourche in the middle of August!" This angered the devil. He schemed all day trying to figure a way to get this Cajun. So when Boudreaux went to sleep that night, the devil turned off the heat. The next morning, Boudreaux awoke shivering. There were icicles hanging from everywhere! The devil asked the Cajun, "Well, what do you think now?" Boudreaux replied" Ah Mon cher devil, now I know it's true, The Saints done won the Super Bowl!!!" ******************************************************* This blonde was vacationing in florida and saw a guy with gator-skin boots. She always wanted a pair so she went to a whole bunch of stores to find some. Everywhere she went the boots were too expensive so she said "thats it, i'm gonna kill an alligator and get my own boots" The person working there said "i'd like to see that done!" so he watches her and she is at a beach with a shot gun and she waits for a while. After about 5 minutes a 9-foot-long alligator comes up and she shoots it. she drags it to the shore where she has at least 8 more dead gators. After turning it over she said "Damn! this one doesnt have boots either!" From - Fri Feb 26 11:14:58 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA08615 for ; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 00:38:53 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40331>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:24:42 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <1VWVGRCB>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:33:37 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05AFC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Love Story *All you ladies out there can thank my father for this one... Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:33:36 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1818 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, February 25, 1999 1:35 PM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessie Cook; Jim Boyland; John Baughman; > John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda > Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; > Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty > Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Love Story *All you ladies out there can thank my > father for this one... > > > A LOVE STORY > > A young man had been seriously dating three lovely girls, and was > finally faced > th the dilemma of which to marry. As a test, he gave each of them one > thousand > dollars to spend a they wished. > > The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new > clothes, and new > shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at > my most > beautiful for you, because I love you, dear." > > The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new > stereo VCR an > a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. > They're my > gifts to you, because I love you so." > > The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely, and very quickly doubled > her > original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to > multiply, and > returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken > your money, > and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how > much I > love you, my dear." > > > The young man was very impressed by all of their responses . And after > it giving > long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest > breasts. > > From - Tue Mar 2 10:55:59 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA08094 for ; Mon, 1 Mar 1999 23:52:06 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40333>; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:37:53 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:46:39 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B13@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Thought For The Day . . . Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:46:38 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1835 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 01, 1999 11:40 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; Jessie Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Thought For The Day . . . Subject: Thought For The Day . . . An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... All on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. ********************************************* Subject: FW: joke Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue Needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke were sent. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said, "No, it ain't Clyde." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had Two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!" ******************************* From - Tue Mar 2 10:56:03 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA08461 for ; Mon, 1 Mar 1999 23:55:56 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40333>; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:41:47 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:50:36 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B14@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Male bashing from jokepost.com!! (I would like to point out that number 3 and 4 are my special favorites, right honey?) Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:50:35 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5657 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 01, 1999 12:14 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; Jessie Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Male bashing from jokepost.com!! (I would like to point out that number 3 and 4 are my special favorites, right honey?) A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS 1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the griping and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. 2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. 5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. 7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please ... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. 9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. 12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHEN FORWARDING, PLEASE KEEP THIS EMAIL INTACT SUBSCRIBE/UNSUBSCRIBE INFO: http://jokepost.com/subscribe.html To show your 3-5 line email ad to 25,000+ people for only $30-$75 send mailto:advertising@jokepost.com JOKE SUBMISSIONS: mailto:jokester@jokepost.com -or- mailto:jokemaster@jokepost.com COPYRIGHT INFO: http://jokepost.com/copyright.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DAILY JOKE POST! Is brought to you by JOKE POST! http://www.jokepost.com Your source for jokes on the 'net From - Tue Mar 2 10:56:08 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA10053 for ; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:15:29 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40332>; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 01:01:18 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 01:10:06 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B16@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Tech Support Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 01:10:04 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 7391 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 01, 1999 3:08 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; Jessie Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Fwd: Tech Support More "strange, but true." Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective." Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker) ******************** Customer: "I'd like to return this scanner." Store Clerk: "Excuse me?" Customer: "This scanner I bought. I paid eighty dollars for this scanner, and it doesn't work!" Store Clerk: "Uh . . . sir, that's a trackball." Customer: "No, it isn't. It says 600 dpi tracking resolution right here!" ******************** Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to WAIT until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved. ******************** I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?" ******************** A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it! ***************** Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?" ***************** An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.) Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" ****************** For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. *************** I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius. ***************** This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." **************** My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!" ***************** A guy couldn't get the preinstalled web software (AOL, whatever) to work. I was asking him to check this setting; check that setting... and he'd say just a minute, put the phone down, go to another room, check the pc, and come back. I quickly got tired of this (almost as quickly as he did, probably) and suggested we hang up. I'd give him a few minutes to connect the phone to the computer, call him back, and we could work from right there. "Oh, that won't work," he said with a knowing smugness, "the computer's not plugged into a phone line..." (Houston, we've found your problem...) From - Thu Mar 4 10:26:00 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA07363 for ; Thu, 4 Mar 1999 08:30:26 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40332>; Thu, 4 Mar 1999 09:16:12 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 4 Mar 1999 09:25:02 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B39@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: iraq Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 09:24:59 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1522 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Thursday, March 04, 1999 7:41 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; Jessie Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: iraq Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule MONDAYS: 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal" TUESDAYS: 8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror" 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right" 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer" WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 8:30 - "When Kurds Attack" 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and Bachlovah" 9:30 - "Just Shoot Me" 10:00 - "Veilwatch" THURSDAYS: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi" 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H" 9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses" 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads" 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy" FRIDAYS: 8:00 - "Judge Saddam" 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies" 9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Achmed's Creek 10:00 - "No-witness News" From - Thu Mar 4 10:26:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA07911 for ; Thu, 4 Mar 1999 08:34:07 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40332>; Thu, 4 Mar 1999 09:19:54 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 4 Mar 1999 09:28:44 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B3A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Hee this is good: Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 09:28:43 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2266 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, March 04, 1999 8:10 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; Jessie Cook; John Baughman; > John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda > Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; > Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty > Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Hee this is good: > > > WHAT AM I???? > > THIS USEFUL TOOL, > COMMONLY > FOUND > IN > THE > RANGE > OF > 8 > INCHES > LONG. > THE FUNCTIONING OF > WHICH IS > ENJOYED > BY > MEMBERS > OF > BOTH > SEXES. > IS > USUALLY FOUND HUNG, > DANGLING > LOOSELY, > READY > FOR > INSTANT > ACTION. > IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP > OF > LITTLE > HAIRY > THINGS > AT > ONE > END > AND > SMALL > HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN > USE, > IT > IS > INSERTED, > ALMOST > ALWAYS > WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES > SLOWLY, > SOMETIMES > QUICKLY, > INTO > A > WARM, > FLESHY, MOIST OPENING > WHERE > IT > IS > THRUST > IN > AND > DRAWN > OUT > AGAIN > AND AGAIN MANY TIMES > IN > SUCCESSION, > OFTEN > QUICKLY > AND > ACCOMPANIED BY > SQUIRMING > BODILY > MOVEMENTS. > ANYONE > FOUND > LISTENING IN WILL MOST > SURELY > RECOGNIZE > THE > RHYTHMIC, > PULSING > SOUND, RESULTING FROM > THE > WELL > LUBRICATED > MOVEMENTS. > WHEN > FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT > LEAVES > BEHIND > A > > JUICY, > FROTHY, > STICKY > WHITE > SUBSTANCE, SOME OF > WHICH > WILL > NEED > CLEANING > FROM > THE > OUTER > SURFACES OF THE > OPENING AND > SOME > OF > FROM > ITS > LONG > GLISTENING > SHAFT. AFTER > EVERYTHING IS > DONE > AND > THE > FLOWING > AND > CLEANSING > LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED > EMANATING, > IT > IS > RETURNED > TO > ITS > FREELY > HANGING STATE OF REST, > READY > FOR > YET > ANOTHER > BIT > OF > ACTION, > HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS > BRISTLING > CLIMAX > TWICE > OR > THREE > TIMES A > DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH > LESS. > > WHAT AM I??????? > > AS YOU MAY HAVE > ALREADY > GUESSED, > THE > ANSWER > TO > THE > RIDDLE > IS > NONE OTHER THAN YOUR > VERY > OWN.......... > > > > > > .....TOOTHBRUSH......... > > what were > you > thinking? > > You PERVERT! > > > >  From - Fri Mar 5 06:33:54 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA28383 for ; Fri, 5 Mar 1999 00:12:23 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Fri, 5 Mar 1999 00:58:12 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 5 Mar 1999 01:06:59 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B3F@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: My raunchy jokes (NOT MINE!! GARY!! ALL GARY!!) Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 01:06:57 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2291 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, March 04, 1999 3:17 PM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: My raunchy jokes (NOT MINE!! GARY!! ALL GARY!!) > > > Q: What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex? > A: Oral Sex makes your day, and anal sex makes your hole weak. > > Q: What do a gynecologist and pizza delivery boy have in common? > A: They can both smell it but can't eat it. > > Q: How is a woman like a condom? > A: They both spend more time in your wallet, and no time on your > dick. > > Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? > A: By the time you have finished with the breasts and thighs, all you > have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. > > Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike? > A: They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, then you end up > losing your house. > > Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? > A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim is already in the > U.S. > > Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? > A: Kick his sister in the jaw. > > Q: What is the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky? > A: Wayne takes a shower after three periods. > > Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? > A: The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up. > > Q: What do you call a prostitute with a running nose? > A: Full > > Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? > A: Put a nipple on it. > > Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? > A: More head room. > > Q: What do a dildo and soy bean have in common? > A: They are both used as a meat substitute. > > Q: Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? > A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen > donuts. > > Q: Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony? > A: She is the one who can eat the last donut. > > From - Fri Mar 5 06:33:53 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA28140 for ; Fri, 5 Mar 1999 00:09:18 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Fri, 5 Mar 1999 00:55:07 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 5 Mar 1999 01:03:56 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B3E@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Blondes (Welcome Back Suanne!!!) :) Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 01:03:53 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4622 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin=20 > Sent: Thursday, March 04, 1999 10:28 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan = Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; = Todd > Miller > Subject: Blondes (Welcome Back Suanne!!!) :) >=20 > *********************************************** > what did the blonde mother say to her blonde child > don't get smart with me!!=20 > *********************************************** > Q:How does a blonde kill a bird=20 > A:She throws it off the cliff > *********************************************** > Q:How does a blonde kill a fish=20 > A:She drowns it > *********************************************** > There was a Santa Clause,a Snowman,a Smart Blonde,and a dumb > blonde.And there was something in the middle of the=20 > picnic table.Who got it?? > A:the dumb blonde cause theres know such thing as a smart blonde,a > Snowman,and a Santa Clause. > *********************************************** > Q: What do you call 4 blondes at a 4-way stop? > A: Eternity > *********************************************** > This blonde was vacationing in florida and saw a guy with gator-skin > boots. She always wanted a pair so she went to a whole bunch of = stores > to find some. Everywhere she went the boots were too expensive so she > said "thats it, i'm gonna kill an alligator and get my own boots" the > person working there said "i'd like to see that done!" so he watches > her and she is at a beach with a shot gun and she waits for a while. > after about 5 minutes a 9-foot-long alligator comes up and she shoots > it. she drags it to the shore where she has at least 8 more dead > gators. after turning it over she said "Damn! this one doesnt have > boots either!" > *********************************************** > How did the blonde break her leg reaking leaves? She fell out of the > tree > *********************************************** > how does a blond kills a bird? > chucks it off the Grand Canyon > *********************************************** > a blonde walks into a bar and says ouch! > *********************************************** > A blonde was working as a waitress and she was coming home from > work.She opened the door to her apartment and noticed that her house > was on fire.She started to yell fire,fire.Then she called the fire > department.She said my house is on fire,my house is on fire,come > quick.The guy asked her how to get there and she said "Uh,duh-in the > big red truck"!!!!!!!!! > *********************************************** > Q: What do you call a smart blonde? > A: A golden retriever. > *********************************************** > Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? > A:=20 > *********************************************** > Q: What do you call 10 blondes in the freezer? > A: Frosted flakes. > *********************************************** > A blonde stopped at a coke machine and put in a dollar. When a coke > came out she put it on top of the machine. She then put another = dollar > in the machine and got another coke, and put it also on top. > *********************************************** > She did this about ten times, then a man behind her said, "Do you = mind > if I put my dollar in and get one?" The blonde replied, "NO, can't = you > see, I'M WINNING!" > *********************************************** > What's the difference between two nuns and a blond? > Two tight ends and a wide receiver. > *********************************************** > There was this one blond who was short on money so she decided to > kidnap a kid. So she goes to the park and pulls a kid behind a tree > and tells him she is kidnapping him so she writes a letter that said > "I have kidnapped your son. Put 10,000 dollors in a paper bag and put > it on the north side of the park. Singed The Blond." So the next day > she goes to the north side of the park and finds the paper bag and = she > opens it. Sure enough there was 10,000 dollors and a note saying "How > could you do this to a fellow blond"=20 > *********************************************** > If a blonde and a brunnette jump off a bridge, which one would hit = the > ground first?=20 > The brunnette, cause the blonde would ask for directions > *********************************************** From - Tue Mar 9 12:09:31 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA14978 for ; Mon, 8 Mar 1999 23:44:05 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:29:53 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:38:42 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B50@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Did I send this yet? I am getting confused! :) Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:38:39 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5392 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 08, 1999 7:34 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Did I send this yet? I am getting confused! :) Well, enjoy! Y2K Status Report Y2K Assignment I have completed the months of work for this project on time and on under budget. Even though I had open heart surgery, I never skipped a day. I have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. I have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. I am proud to report that I have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented (via dial-up from home) all changes to all programs and all data in production, to reflect the following new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December and... Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and I was glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? I'll await your direction." Regards Brian -- Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO 1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines. 2. Use of antibotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure." 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace" 4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape. 5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters. 6. Exam room has a tip jar. 7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in. 8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?" 9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of seperate rectal thermometers. 10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning." 11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip. 12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 13. Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep. 14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket. 15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs. 16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana. 17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." 18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube. 19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is " an apple a day." 20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. FIne, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine. 21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams. 23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass." 24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you. 25. Recycled bandages 26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry. 27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month. 28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK 29. Costly MRi equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2- sided copier. 30. Enema ? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward. A Drunks' Poem Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell you are I think. I'm not under what they call The alcofluence of incohol. I'm not drunk as thinkle peep, I'm just a little slort of sheep. Tee martoonis make a guy Fool so feelish, don't know why. Rally don't know who's me yet The drunker I stay the longer I get So just one more to full my cup, I've all day sober to Sunday up! Attitude 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 6. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 9. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 10. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 11. You! Off my planet! 12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 13. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self- control. 14. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. 15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! 17. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 18. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work 20. "That's weird..." 19. "It's never done that before." From - Tue Mar 9 12:09:38 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA16197 for ; Mon, 8 Mar 1999 23:55:17 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:41:08 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:49:54 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B54@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Jokes Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:49:52 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4398 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 08, 1999 11:23 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Jokes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Anti-Women Jokes **************** What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female? Whan they remove half the brain. Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy. Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year? Wife: I want to go somewhere I've never been before. Husband: Well, how about the kitchen? Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -Dumas What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs. Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say. And everything they do. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I will never forget that game of cards... One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in- law. Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house. How do men define a 50/50 relationship? She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?1.No mind. 2.No business. From - Tue Mar 9 12:09:39 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA16202 for ; Mon, 8 Mar 1999 23:55:18 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40332>; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:41:08 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:45:39 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B51@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Back at cha! Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:45:37 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6833 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 08, 1999 9:27 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Back at cha! For Sale By Owner Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f@#*ing everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ********************************************************* Women Bashing -- News Just In . . . . Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. ********************************************************* Market Research A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." *********************************************************************** ***** *************** Relatives A young punker gets on a cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that is green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at, you old fart. . . didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replied: "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. . . I thought maybe you were my son." *********************************************************************** ***** *************** Amish And The Elevator An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Quick! Go get your Mother." ********************************************************* Produce Section There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man lived by himself and insisted he only needed half a head. The boy agreed to ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "Hey, boss, there' some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." Suddenly, the boy turns to find the man standing right behind him. He quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of trouble. You think on your feet and we like that around here." The manager continued, "Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir". "Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. "They're all just whores and hockey players up there!" said the boy. "My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager. "Oh, really!" said the boy. "What team did she play for?" ********************************************************* The Wizard of Oz Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, and says, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem," says the Wizard. "Who's next?" Ronald Regan steps forward and says, "W-well, w-w-well, I need a new brain." "Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush with a sad look on his face. "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I've heard that it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done." Then there is a long silence.......Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but hasn't said a word. This irritates the Wizard, and he speaks with a loud voice, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Umm, is Dorothy around?" ********************************************************* Your Funeral Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" From - Tue Mar 9 12:09:45 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA22612 for ; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 01:23:15 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 02:09:05 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 02:17:57 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B5A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Bathroom Funnies! Resend, but still funny! =) Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 02:17:55 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2646 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, March 05, 1999 7:19 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Bathroom Funnies! Resend, but still funny! =) Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate- 1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?" 2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Damn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy !!" 11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please? 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!! 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free" If you send this letter to no one then you'll have 7 years of bad luck in love. 1-5 your crush will kiss you 6-10 your crush will ask you out 11-15 your crush will french you 16-20 you and your crush will SCORE! 20+ you and you crush will get married From - Tue Mar 9 12:09:47 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA23043 for ; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 01:27:35 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 02:13:26 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 9 Mar 1999 02:22:18 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B5B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Did I send this yet? I am getting confused! :) Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 02:22:17 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5392 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 08, 1999 7:34 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Did I send this yet? I am getting confused! :) Well, enjoy! Y2K Status Report Y2K Assignment I have completed the months of work for this project on time and on under budget. Even though I had open heart surgery, I never skipped a day. I have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. I have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. I am proud to report that I have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented (via dial-up from home) all changes to all programs and all data in production, to reflect the following new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December and... Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and I was glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? I'll await your direction." Regards Brian -- Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO 1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines. 2. Use of antibotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure." 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace" 4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape. 5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters. 6. Exam room has a tip jar. 7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in. 8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?" 9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of seperate rectal thermometers. 10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning." 11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip. 12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 13. Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep. 14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket. 15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs. 16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana. 17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." 18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube. 19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is " an apple a day." 20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. FIne, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine. 21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams. 23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass." 24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you. 25. Recycled bandages 26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry. 27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month. 28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK 29. Costly MRi equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2- sided copier. 30. Enema ? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward. A Drunks' Poem Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell you are I think. I'm not under what they call The alcofluence of incohol. I'm not drunk as thinkle peep, I'm just a little slort of sheep. Tee martoonis make a guy Fool so feelish, don't know why. Rally don't know who's me yet The drunker I stay the longer I get So just one more to full my cup, I've all day sober to Sunday up! Attitude 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 6. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 9. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 10. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 11. You! Off my planet! 12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 13. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self- control. 14. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. 15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! 17. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 18. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work 20. "That's weird..." 19. "It's never done that before." From - Thu Mar 11 09:35:37 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA12380 for ; Wed, 10 Mar 1999 23:42:49 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40339>; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 00:28:34 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 00:37:24 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B6A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: One of my all-time favorites!!! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 00:37:20 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1711 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Wednesday, March 10, 1999 11:56 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: One of my all-time favorites!!! > > Subject: CAUGHT RED-HANDED > > The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies > fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. > The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming > through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. > > The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under > the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through > the bedroom door. > > "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. > > "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to > receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. > > "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and > I'll be with you in two shakes." > > Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where > he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. > > "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. > > "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in > to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. > > "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. > > The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and > said, "The little bastards!" > From - Thu Mar 11 09:35:39 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA14101 for ; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 00:03:37 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40335>; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 00:49:30 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 00:58:21 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B6D@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Wisdom for Work Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 00:58:20 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2772 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, March 10, 1999 2:55 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Wisdom for Work t: Wisdom for Work If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. From - Thu Mar 11 09:35:40 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA10329 for ; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 07:46:37 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40335>; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 08:32:27 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 11 Mar 1999 08:41:12 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B7A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: These pick-up lines are hilarious!!!! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 08:41:09 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 8768 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Thursday, March 11, 1999 7:33 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: These pick-up lines are hilarious!!!! These pick-up lines are hillarious!!!!!! << > 1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you >right here! > > 2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw. > > 3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good. > > 4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. > > 5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? > > 6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. > > 7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to >you. > > > 8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.... > > 9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be >coming too. > > > 10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me >right, and I'll do it your way right away. > > 11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me >to it. > > 12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to >"tinker" around with. > > 13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity. > > 14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. > > 15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. > > 16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have >you seen one? > > 17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all >day long for a quarter. > > 18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night >long. > > 19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the >afternoon. > > 20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. > > 21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town. > > 22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and >surely wouldn't dance with you." > Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in >those pants" > > 23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine. > > 24. I look good on you. > > 25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. > > 26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I >visit you between the Holidays? > > 27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's >one more going to hurt? > > 28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda? > > 29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. > > 30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize. > > 31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light >switch away. > > 32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question. > > 33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead? > > 34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours? > > 35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. > > 36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, >and serve hot. > > 37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day >long. > > 38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala. > > 39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home >without me. > > 40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the >girl of my dreams. > > 41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the >word. > > 42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves >ahead, yield? > > 43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all >night long. > > 44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into >this cheap motel room. > > 45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons. > > 46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo. > > 47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that. > > 48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for >your tongue. > > 49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?" > Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore" > > 50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of >your mouth. > > 51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick? > > Make a wish that the guy/girl you like will make out with you... > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > Make your wish... > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > Did you make your wish?! > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > Make your wish now! > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > This is your last chance! > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > ----------------------------------------------------------------------* >-------------------------------------------------- > YouYour Wish Will Now Be Honered! > > Send this to: > 3 people and your wish will come true in a month. > 5 people and your wish will come true in 2 weeks. > 10 people and your wish will come true in a week. > 15 people and your wish will come true in 5 days. > 20 people and your wish will come true in 3 days. > 25 people and your wish will come true in a day. > 30 people and your wish will come true in an hour. >> From - Sat Mar 13 05:00:43 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA25048 for ; Fri, 12 Mar 1999 23:48:52 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40330>; Sat, 13 Mar 1999 00:34:45 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 13 Mar 1999 00:43:28 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B87@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: You Know .... Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 00:43:25 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1443 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, March 12, 1999 2:12 PM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: You Know .... > > > >HOW TO TELL IF YOUR VIAGRA IS WORKING: > > > > > >* At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down > at a > > >meeting, the table floats. > > > > > >* When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. > > > > > >* You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a > > >stick. > > > > > >*They begin to call you "the tripod." > > > > > >* Sunbathing nude outside, standing: Birds perch on it. > > > > > >* Sunbathing nude outside, lying down: You look like a sundial. > > > > > >* Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of > the > > >line... > > > > > >* Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar. > > > > > >* You always lose limbo contests. > > > > > >* Lewinsky wants you to be president someday. > > > > > >* You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the > > >ceiling fan. > > > > > > > > > > From - Tue Mar 16 13:59:41 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA29683 for ; Mon, 15 Mar 1999 22:35:41 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Mon, 15 Mar 1999 23:21:28 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 15 Mar 1999 23:30:12 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B96@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: I think you could all relate........ Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 23:30:10 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2056 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Saturday, March 13, 1999 1:14 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: I think you could all relate........ At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time -- however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, this is going to be easy. Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? From - Tue Mar 16 13:59:50 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA03377 for ; Mon, 15 Mar 1999 23:09:41 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Mon, 15 Mar 1999 23:55:28 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 16 Mar 1999 00:04:12 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B9A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Joke Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 00:04:11 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1535 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Monday, March 15, 1999 12:49 PM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; > Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; > Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; > Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd > Miller > Subject: Joke > > Too funny!!!!! > > > ********************************************************************** > * > > > The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals - a carpenter, an > electrician, and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the > couple on their wedding night. > > The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. > > The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current > would > give them a few chuckles. > > The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and > swore > that it would be memorable. > > > The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of > the > groom's three friends received a letter saying the following: > > "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The > electric > shock was only a minor setback But I swear to God Almighty, I am > going > to > kill the mother f***er that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > From - Wed Mar 17 09:07:34 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA01585 for ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 00:37:42 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 01:23:32 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 01:32:22 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24C99@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 01:32:20 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1208 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, March 16, 1999 10:36 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: FW: > > A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his > > hand. A Cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, > > sir?" > > > > "Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. > > > > The Cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" > > > > "It wassss at the end of thisss key!" the man replies. > > > > About that time the Officer looks down to see that the man's "thing" > > is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. > > > > He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" > > > > The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH > > GOD.....they got my girlfriend too!!!" Suanne From - Wed Mar 17 09:07:37 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA02773 for ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 00:52:30 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 01:38:23 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 01:47:11 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24C9B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: for your files Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 01:47:10 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 12755 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Tuesday, March 16, 1999 7:43 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: for your files Redneck Family Tree > > Many many years ago > when I was twenty three, > I got married to a widow > who was pretty as could be. > > This widow had a grown-up daughter > Who had hair of red. > My father fell in love with her, > And soon the two were wed. > > This made my dad my son-in-law > And changed my very life. > My daughter was my mother, > For she was my father's wife. > > To complicate the matters worse, > Although it brought me joy, > I soon became the father > Of a bouncing baby boy. > > My little baby then became > A brother-in-law to dad. > And so became my uncle, > Though it made me very sad. > > For if he was my uncle, > Then that also made him brother > To the widow's grown-up daughter > Who, of course, was my step-mother. > > Father's wife then had a son, > Who kept them on the run. > And he became my grandson, > For he was my daughter's son. > > My wife is now my mother's mother > And it makes me blue. > Because, although she is my wife, > She's my grandmother too. > > If my wife is my grandmother, > Then I am her grandchild. > And every time I think of it, > It simply drives me wild. > > For now I have become > The strangest case you ever saw. > As the husband of my grandmother, > I am my own grandpa! > A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" ************************************************************************ **** *************** A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50." three Wishes A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." ********************************************************* Geeks in Season This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em." ********************************************************* Upgrade Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3 and BeerBash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program, Can you help me? Sincerely.......Jonathan Powell Dear Jonathan Powell- This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATION SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and /or floppy drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 - Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD - Frequently use Communications 5.0 ********************************************************* Bonds The U.S. Government will soon be issuing three new Treasury Bonds you might want to investigate: The "Monica" Bond - it has no maturity The "Al Gore" Bond - it has no interest The "Bill Clinton" Bond - it has no principal ********************************************************* Manny Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!" ********************************************************* Who Has the Hotline? John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said: "Sure, but it will cost you $100." Madden scratched his head, then said: "What the heck, I need some help picking some games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week. The next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked Coach Holmgren what the phone was for, and Mike said: " It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100." Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100. Once again, Madden was perfect. The next weekend, Madden was in New Jersey at the Meadowlands when he noticed the same phone near the Jets bench. He asked Coach Parcells if it was a hotline to God. Bill said, "Yes it is. Do you want to use it? It'll cost you 35 cents." Madden looked at Coach Parcells and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Green Bay to use the same phone! Why in Jersey do they only charge 35 cents?" Bill looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Jersey, it's a local call." ********************************************************* The Cowboy A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and sure enough, his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." Suanne From - Wed Mar 17 09:07:45 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA00162 for ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 07:29:22 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:15:13 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:23:57 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CA5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Golf Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:23:54 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 772 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 1999 7:23 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Golf Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind? Monica Lewinsky...OJ Simpson...Ted Kennedy...& Bill Clinton Why??? Monica is a hooker... OJ is a slicer... Kennedy can't drive over water...& Clinton doesn't know which hole to play. Suanne From - Wed Mar 17 09:07:47 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA01842 for ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 07:44:07 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:29:55 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:38:43 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CA6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: rings true doesn't it? Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:38:42 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3574 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 1999 7:25 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: rings true doesn't it? One day, while walking down the street, a highly successful executive woman was hit by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived up in Heaven, where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem-just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules," said St. Peter, and with that, he put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all of her friends-fellow executives with whom she had worked. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf, and that night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (and kinda cute). She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. In fact, she was having such a good time, that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back at the Pearly Gates, where she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second, and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all of my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." From - Thu Mar 18 12:22:53 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id LAA14530 for ; Thu, 18 Mar 1999 11:24:34 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Thu, 18 Mar 1999 12:10:23 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 18 Mar 1999 12:19:07 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CBE@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: more Date: Thu, 18 Mar 1999 12:19:05 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2445 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, March 18, 1999 9:33 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; > Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: more > > > >"Jerry and the old couple" > > > > > > Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, > and > > > he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take > > > two long solos. > > > > > > After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see > the > > > finished product. He asks the producer where and when he > can > > > catch the film. > > > > > > A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is > for > > > a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry > > > where he can go to see it. > > > > > > A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, > > > goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in > and > > > sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also > seem to > > > be disguised and hiding. > > > > > > The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno > > > flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, > halfway > > > through, a dog gets in on the action. > > > > > > Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all > the > > > women in every orifice, and most of the men. > > > > > > Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, > "I'm > > > only here for the music." > > > > > > The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, "We're here to > see > > > our dog." > > > > > > > > >Bonus Joke: > > > > > > Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo are having > drinks > > > in Paris. > > > > > > The waiter asks "L'aperitif?" > > > All of them answer "Oui!" > > > > > > The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?" > > > Zedillo: "Oui!" > > > > > > The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?" > > > Yeltsin: "Oui!" > > > > > > Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?" > > > Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!!!" From - Fri Mar 19 10:48:46 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA11448 for ; Fri, 19 Mar 1999 00:00:34 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Fri, 19 Mar 1999 00:46:27 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 19 Mar 1999 00:55:14 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CC0@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: cabbies Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 00:55:13 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2830 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Thursday, March 18, 1999 11:39 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; > Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: cabbies > > >> A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the > weekend to > gamble. > >> He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left > but > a quarter and the > >> second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could > just > get to the airport > >> he could get himself home. So he went out to the > front of > the casino where > >> there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his > situation to the > >> cabby. He promised to send the driver money from > home, he > offered him his > >> credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his > address, etc., but > >> to no avail. > >> > >> The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, > get > the hell > >> out of my cab!" > >> > >> So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the > airport and was > >> barely in time to catch his flight. > >> > >> One year later the businessman, having worked long > and > hard to regain his > >> financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time > he > won big. Feeling > >> pretty good about himself, he went out to the front > of > the casino to get a > >> cab ride back to the airport. > >> > >> Well who should he see out there, at the very end of > a > long line of > >> cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a > ride when he was > >> down on his luck. The businessman thought for a > moment > about how he could > >> make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit > on a > plan. > >> > >> The businessman got in the first cab in the line, > "How > much for a > >> ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came > the > reply. "And how > >> much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" > >> > >> "What?! Get the hell out of my cab!" > >> > >> The businessman got into the back of each cab in the > long > line and > >> asked the same questions, with the same result. > >> > >> When he got to his old friend at the back of the > fifth > line, he got > >> in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" > >> > >> The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." > >> > >> The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went. As > they > slowly drove past > >> the long line of cabs, the business man gave a big > smile > and thumbs up > >> sign to each driver. > >> From - Sun Mar 21 02:37:02 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA24889 for ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 00:15:56 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:01:41 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:10:23 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CD1@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Scientific Theories Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:10:20 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2307 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, March 19, 1999 9:31 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Scientific Theories > Just to let you know that all 'science' isn't boring.... > ***** > > Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine: > > GRAND PRIZE WINNER > > When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is > dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to > strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning > inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed > monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. > > RUNNER-UP #1: > > If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup > trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of > highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great > literary works in Braille. > > RUNNER-UP #2: > > Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your > eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other > people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. > > RUNNER-UP #3: > > Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no > alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a > faster rate. > > RUNNER-UP #4: > > The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a > figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close > to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin > dangerously fast. > > HONORABLE MENTION: > > The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If > omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his > "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to"warsh" his car > and invest in "erl" wells. > > """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" > From - Sun Mar 21 02:37:03 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA25001 for ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 00:16:53 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:02:46 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:11:35 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CD2@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: If women ruled the earth...OUCH Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:11:34 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="---- =_NextPart_000_01BE726E.994A6070" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 303022 This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. ------ =_NextPart_000_01BE726E.994A6070 Content-Type: text/plain -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, March 19, 1999 9:32 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: If women ruled the earth...OUCH -----Original Message----- From: David C Lufkin [mailto:dclufkin@crnotes.collins.rockwell.com] Sent: Friday, March 19, 1999 9:19 AM To: Robert W Ramey; scott.lufkin@telethinking.com Subject: If women ruled the earth...OUCH Subject: If women ruled the earth...OUCH ------ 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/////v///////////v/////+///////////+/////v///////////////////////v////////// ///////+/////////////////v////////////////////////////////////////////////// //////77///6///////++////v/7//7///ra/////9ba///a/////////v////////////////7/ ///////////////+//////7///7///7////+//////////////+2bUkkKUlNtv////////7///77 /////////v//+////////////////////////////////v////////////////7///////////// /////////v/////////+//////7////////////////+/////////////////////v////r////+ /////v/7/v/7//7/+//+///6///7/vv////6///6////+v/7//7/+/77//77//77//7/+/7///r/ //7///7///r///7///r//////v///v///v////7///v+/////////v////////77///+//v//v// //////7///v//v////7///7/+/7///77//7///7///77//77/vv+AA== ------ =_NextPart_000_01BE726E.994A6070-- From - Sun Mar 21 02:37:35 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA25218 for ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 00:20:03 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:05:58 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:14:47 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CD3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Calls from Telemarketers Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:14:45 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4506 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, March 19, 1999 9:35 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Calls from Telemarketers Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing. Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling. Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the chances for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen! Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls. Scoring: Basic Point System: For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts. Getting transferred to someone who makes more than minimum wage 15 pts. For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage 25 pts. Bonus Points: Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each Changing the subject 50 pts/each Making the sales person angry 175 pts Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts Get their boss on the phone, and tell them that the salesman used profanity 1500 pts Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as a free "Phone Sex" line 50 pts Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected 5000 pts Example: Me: Yes? Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're in your area [...] [start clock->] Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested? Me: Sure... Them: Well, we are currently offering [...] Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms. Me: Well, how much for the whole house? [15 bonus pts!] Them: Let me transfer you to Them: Sir? Me: Yes? [25 pts/min!] Them: How large is your house? Me: Oh, about 2,000 sq ft. Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx [stupid ?] Me: It won't hurt the floor, will it? Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...] and is completely safe. [stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets? Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...] Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets? Them: Yes, and we do that with [...] [repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that include treating for pets? Them: [...] [subject change]Me: Well, it is kind of dirty. The guys were over for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams? Them: Yes. Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that a great play? Them: Well, back to your house... Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture? Them: [...] [subject change]Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before? But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they couldn't move the ball in the second quarter... [...] [angry???] Them: Ahem... Would you like us to come out? Me: Well, when could you come out? Them: How about next week? Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon? Them: Either would be fine. Me: Do you have anything the week after? Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday? [Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:] Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all hardwood floors here! Them: Dammit! From - Mon Mar 22 15:09:06 1999 Return-Path: Received: from cyberdream.net (wgs.50carleton.com [209.91.130.61]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA26078 for ; Mon, 22 Mar 1999 14:53:08 -0600 (CST) Received: from web (209.91.130.60) by cyberdream.net with SMTP (Eudora Internet Mail Server 2.0.1); Mon, 22 Mar 1999 15:52:46 -0500 Message-ID: <003401be74a6$955680e0$3c825bd1@web.cyberdream.net> From: "Digital Dreamer" To: Subject: New Policies Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1999 15:57:21 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.2106.4 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.2106.4 X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1111 Due to current financial situations, management has decided to put all employees over the age of 35 on early retirment. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to mannagement to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help AFter Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under SCREW (SCheme for Retire Early Workers). A person maybe RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependent or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prouded itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, bring it to the attention of your supervisor, they have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. From - Sun Mar 28 11:52:15 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id PAA26466 for ; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:01:43 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:47:36 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:56:17 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D1B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Daily Humor Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:56:15 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 12397 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin=20 Sent: Friday, March 26, 1999 7:30 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; = Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: FW: Daily Humor -----Original Message----- From: Suanne Stultz [mailto:SuanneS@askasicomp.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, March 24, 1999 2:07 PM To: Scott.Lufkin@telethinking.com Subject: Daily Humor > a beautiful, warm spring morning a man and=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans = > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this = morning.>=A0=A0=20 > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)>=A0=A0 = > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand = > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his = > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady = > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > in the wavy dress.>=A0=A0 > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker=20 her=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play = along.>=A0=A0 > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > making noises that would wake the dead.>=A0=A0 > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > Then the husband suggests that she let one of her=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > straps fall to show a little more skin.>=A0=A0 > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the = bars>=A0=A0 >=20 >=20 > =A0>down.>=A0=A0 > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort = of=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.>=A0=A0 > > = > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips = open=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > and slams the cage door shut.>=A0=A0 > >=20 > =A0>>=A0=A0 > > "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." >>=20 >=20 ************************************************************************= ****** >>A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. >>She recited the following story: "There are three birds >>sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. >>How many birds are left on the wire?" >> >>A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully. >> >>"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says >>patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three >>birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts >>down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?" >> >>"None," the boy says with authority. >> >>The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that." >> >>"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot >>one bird, he scared the other two away." >> >>"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, >>but I like the way you think." >> >>"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a=20 question. >> >>"There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle's. >>One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the >>Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is >>married?" he asked innocently. >> >>The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and >>writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. >> >>"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking >>the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which=20 one >>is married?" >> >>"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper >>replied, "the one who's sucking?" >> >>"No," the boy says with surprise, "the one with the >>wedding ring on. But I like the way you think." ********************************************************************** Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis. (10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off. (9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow=20 inferior. (8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's=20 not=20 worth the fuss that those who have it make 9+about it. (7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a=20 phenomenon=20 psychologists call "E-mail Envy." (6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real=20 work done. (5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information=20 vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly=20 for fun. (4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. (3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual=20 size and influence warrant. (2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a =20 lot of trouble. And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis..... (1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind. ************************************************************************= ****** If Dear Abby were a MAN, the column night read like this: =20 Dear Abby: =20 Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. =20 A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to=20 increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a=20 few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best=20 thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice=20 meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. =20 Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.=20 =20 A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be=20 encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other=20 men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful=20 affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back = at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive=20 present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his=20 behavior. =20 Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me=20 and my sister. =20 A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough=20 of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go=20 with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice=20 meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. =20 Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. =20 A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories=20 a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and=20 gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing=20 to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him=20 a nice meal. =20 Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.=20 =20 A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must=20 mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may=20 wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it on the=20 Internet. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive=20 present, and cook him a delicious meal. =20 Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love we have=20 no time to talk. =20 A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he=20 needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love- making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him.=20 Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. =20 Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. =20 =20 A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you=20 that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a nice, expensive=20 present, and cooking him a nice meal. =20 Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. =20 A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do=20 not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to=20 get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him=20 by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. =20 Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. =20 A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man- hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again=20 to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive=20 present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal. ************************************************************************= ****** A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots the pregnant=20 woman 3 times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are OK. The surgeon decides to leave the=20 bullets in, because its too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 yrs, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears, "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was going pee, and this=20 bullet came out". The mother tells her that's OK, and explains what=20 happened=20 16yrs ago. With that, the daughter walks away. About a week later, the second daughter walks in the room in tears. "What's wrong?" ask the mother. "I was going pee and this bullet=20 came out." Again the mother tells the story of 16 yrs ago, and tells her=20 not to worry. With that the daughter walks away. A week later, the boy walks in the room in tears. "It's OK," says=20 the mother, "I know what happened. You were going pee, and a bullet=20 came out." "No," says the son, "I was jerking off, and I shot the dog!" ******************************************************** An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy=20 in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have the=20 cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's=20 office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son,=20 we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things=20 don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few =20 pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually =20 approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were=20 celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have=20 been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple=20 more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and =20 whispered his confusion... "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from=20 cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone." From - Sun Mar 28 11:52:17 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id PAA26787 for ; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:04:48 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:50:41 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:59:21 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D1C@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: humor Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:59:19 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3813 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, March 26, 1999 7:29 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: humor << >>A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no >>lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the >>horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and >>rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In >>terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm >>grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she >>slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, >>seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail >>grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. >>Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now >>at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck >>against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the >>ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness >>when to her great fortune...the Walmart manager sees her and >>pulls out the plug. >> >> > >A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. > >The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. > >Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf-bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." > > The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. > >Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" > >"It's over here in the pussy willows." > >The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!" > >An Accurate Psychic > >A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." > >"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?" > >"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class." > >Impossible Requirements! > >Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." > >"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. > >"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish.'" > >First Date > >There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. > >He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. > >He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. > >He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. > >But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family. From - Sun Mar 28 11:52:17 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id PAA26956 for ; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:06:04 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 15:51:56 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 27 Mar 1999 16:00:40 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D1D@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Pass It On Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 16:00:37 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1085 > -----Original Message----- > From: Scott Lufkin > Sent: Friday, March 26, 1999 7:26 AM > To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave > Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; > James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; > Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; > Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; > Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller > Subject: Pass It On > > > Here is a tip on use of your VCR that I picked up from > another email > > correspondent. > > > > Some, if not most, VCR's won't be able to use the > programmed > > advanced recording feature. Don't throw away your VCR in the year > 2000. > > Set the year on 1972 because the calendar days of the week and > month will be > > the same as the year 2000. Please pass this on because you know > the > > manufacturer will not share this information. They will want you > to buy a > > new one that is Y2K compliant. > From - Wed Apr 7 14:25:57 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA21125 for ; Wed, 7 Apr 1999 07:34:06 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40338>; Wed, 7 Apr 1999 08:19:57 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320T37>; Wed, 7 Apr 1999 08:28:38 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D4D@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: An oldie but a goldie... Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 08:28:36 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2485 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 1999 7:35 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: An oldie but a goldie... New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are ten commandments, not twelve. 3. There were twelve disciples, not ten. 4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat Apr 10 00:17:36 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA28894 for ; Fri, 9 Apr 1999 23:40:51 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 10 Apr 1999 00:26:47 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320WG2>; Sat, 10 Apr 1999 00:35:20 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D56@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 00:35:18 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6195 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, April 09, 1999 7:41 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: jokes > One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the > kids where Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of > the kids. > > "Jesus lives in my heart." > > "Very good." said the teacher. She picks on another > kid > > "Jesus lives in Heaven." Very good said the teacher. > > Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to > be called on. The teacher didn't want to call on > little Johnny but it nevertheless. > > "Jesus lives in the bathroom." > > After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in > the > bathroom. > > "Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the > bathroom door and asks Jesus Christ are you still in > there?" ************************************************ > A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. > The writers were looking for people to submit quotes > from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are > some of the submissions: > > 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to > access the building using individual security cards. > Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees > will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the > winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation > in > Redmond, WA) > > 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown > problems > we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) > > 3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing > our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS > Development team) > > 4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information > or > data. It should be used only for company business. > (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) > > 5. This project is so important, we can't let things > that are more important interfere with it. > (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) > > 6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the > schedule. No one will believe you solved this > problem > in one day! We've been working on it for months. > Now, > go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know > when > it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota > Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.) > > 7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25- > page proposal that only needed corrections. She > claims > the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't > edit > it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of > Dell Computers) > > 8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people > doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix > Corporation) > > 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was > scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said > she > died so that I would have to miss work on the > busiest > day of the year. He then asked if we could change > her > burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for > me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) > > 10. We know that communication is a problem, but the > company is not going to discuss it with the > employees. > (AT&T Long Lines Division) > > 11. We recently received a memo from senior > management saying, "This is to inform you that a > memo > will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned > above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) > > 12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status > report to him concerning a project I was working on. > I > asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, > "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until > tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., > Hallmark > Cards) > > 13. As director of communications, I was asked to > prepare a memo reviewing our company's training > programs and materials. In the body of the memo one > of > the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" > used by one of the training manuals. The day after I > routed the memo to the executive committee, I was > called into the HR Director's office, and was told > that the executive VP wanted me out of the building > by > lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she > wouldn't > stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her > company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, > with her demand that I be fired, with the word > "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was > fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in > his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to > send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would > take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire > staff came out, directing us that no words which > could > not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be > used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In > accordance with company policy, I created my > resignation letter by pasting words together from > the > Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) > > 14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a > nationally- > circulated memo from a large communications > company:" > Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to > promote constant attention on current procedures of > transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative > ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations > of > quality!" > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > WHEN FORWARDING, PLEASE KEEP THIS EMAIL INTACT > > SUBSCRIBE/UNSUBSCRIBE: > http://jokepost.com/subscribe.html > ADVERTISING INFO: > Show your 3-5 line email ad to 40,000+ people! > Only $30-$75 send mailto:advertising@jokepost.com > JOKE SUBMISSIONS: > mailto:jokester@jokepost.com -or- > mailto:jokemaster@jokepost.com > COPYRIGHT INFO: > http://jokepost.com/copyright.html > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > THE DAILY JOKE POST! > Is brought to you by JOKEPOST.com! > http://www.jokepost.com > Your source for jokes on the internet. > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Apr 9 06:35:40 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA21706 for ; Thu, 8 Apr 1999 23:54:26 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Fri, 9 Apr 1999 00:40:19 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320VG4>; Fri, 9 Apr 1999 00:48:58 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D53@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Joke for today !! Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 00:48:57 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1853 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, April 08, 1999 1:31 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Daily Joke for today !! > Subject: Whales > > > > > > >A male whale and a female whale were > cruising coastal > waters when they > >noticed a whaling ship. The male whale > recognized it as the > same ship > >that had harpooned his father many years > earlier. > > > >He said to the female whale, "Let's both > swim under the > ship and blow > >out of our air holes at the same time. It > should cause the > ship to > >turn over and sink." They tried it and sure > enough, the > ship turned over and quickly sank. > > > >Soon, however, the whales realized the > sailors had jumped > overboard > >and were swimming to the safety of shore. > The male was > enraged that > >they were going to get away and told the > female, "Let's > swim after them > >and gobble them up before they reach the > shore." > > > >At this point, he realized the female was > becoming > reluctant to follow > >him. "Look," she said, "I went along with > the blow job, > but I absolutely refuse to swallow the > seamen." > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 13 00:57:56 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id QAA16579 for ; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:01:00 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40338>; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:46:53 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320XJG>; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:55:26 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D66@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:55:24 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4737 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 8:02 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: jokes > >For all you guys out there who just can't figure it > out, here it is: > > > >In the world of romance, one single rule applies: > >Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and > you get points. Do > >something she dislikes and points are subtracted. > You don't get any > >points for doing something she expects...Sorry, > that's the way the > game is > >played. > > > >Here is a guide to the point system. > > > >Simple Duties: > >You make the > bed..................................................+1 > >You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative > pillows.........0 > >You throw the bedspread over rumpled > sheets.......................-1 > >You leave the toilet seat > up......................................-5 > >You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's > empty..................0 > >When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to > Kleenex.........- > 1 > >When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the > next bathroom..-2 > > > >You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light > panty liners with > >wings..+5 > >But return with > beer.............................................-5 > > > >You check out a suspicious noise at night > .....................0 > >You check out a suspicious noise and it's > nothing...............0 > >You check out a suspicious noise and it's > something...........+5 > >You pummel it with a six > iron................................+10 > >It's her > father..............................................-10 > > > >Social Engagements: > >You stay by her side the entire party.....0 > >You stay by her side for a while, then leave to > chat with a college > >drinking buddy....-2 > >Named Tiffany...................-4 > >Tiffany is a dancer.............-6 > >Tiffany has implants............-8 > > > >Her Birthday: > >You take her out to > dinner..................................0 > >You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports > bar ......+1 > >Okay, it is a sports > bar...................................-2 > >And it's all-you-can-eat > night.............................-3 > >It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and > your face is > >painted the colors of your favorite > team..................-10 > > > >A Night Out With The Boys: > >Go out with a pal > .........................................-5 > >And the pal is happily married > ............................-4 > >Or frighteningly single > ...................................-7 > >And he drives a > Mustang...................................-10 > >With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) > ............-15 > > > >A Night Out: > >You take her to a > movie.........................................+2 > >You take her to a movie she > likes...............................+4 > >You take her to a movie you > hate...............................+6 > >You take her to a movie you > like................................-2 > >It's called DeathCop > 3............................................-3 > >Which features cyborgs having > sex...............................-9 > >You lied and said it was a foreign film about > orphans .........-15 > > > >Your Physique: > >You develop a noticeable > potbelly...............................-15 > >You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to > get rid of > it....+10 > >You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to > loose jeans and > >baggy Hawaiian shirts > .......................................-30 > >You say "I don't give a damn because you have one > too".........-800 > > > >The Big Question: > >She asks, "Do I look fat?" > .....................................-5 > >You hesitate in > responding.....................................-10 > >You reply, > "Where?".............................................-35 > > > >Communication: > >When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, > displaying what > >looks like a concerned expression > ................................0 > >When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 > minutes..........+5 > >You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking > at the TV...+10 > >She realizes this is because you've fallen > asleep...............-20 > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 13 00:57:57 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id QAA17438 for ; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:05:06 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:50:55 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320XJN>; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:59:33 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D67@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Dougla s website Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:59:30 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6644 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 8:05 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website > This was actually posted very briefly on the > McDonnell Douglas website > by an employee there who obviously has a sense of > humor. The company, of > course, does not have a sense of humor - and made > the web department > take it down immediately. (In case you don't know: > McDonnell Douglas is one > of the world's chief suppliers of military > aircraft). ************************************************ > Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas > military aircraft. In order to > protect your new investment, please take a few > moments to fill out the > warranty registration card below. Answering the > survey questions is not > required, but the information will help us to > develop new products that best > meet your needs and desires. > > 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] > Lt. [_] Gen. > [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other > > First Name:________ Initial:_____ Last > Name:________ > > Password: (max 8 char) __________ > > Code Name:_____________ > > Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ______ ________ > > 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? > [_] F-14 Tomcat > [_] F-15 Eagle > [_] F-16 Falcon > [_] F-117A Stealth > [_] Classified > > 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19__/__ > /__ > > 4. Serial Number: ___________ > > 5. Please check where this product was > purchased: > [_] Received as gift / aid package > [_] Catalog showroom > [_] Independent arms broker > [_] Mail order > [_] Discount store > [_] Government surplus > [_] Classified > > 6. Please check how you became aware of the > McDonnell Douglas > product you have just purchased: > [_] Heard loud noise, looked up > [_] Store display > [_] Espionage > [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally > [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer > [_] Was attacked by one > > 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most > influenced your > decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: > [_] Style / appearance > [_] Speed / maneuverability > [_] Price / value > [_] Comfort / convenience > [_] Kickback / bribe > [_] Recommended by salesperson > [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation > [_] Advanced Weapons Systems > [_] Backroom politics > [_] Negative experience opposing one in > combat > > 8. Please check the location(s) where this > product will be used: > [_] North America > [_] Iraq > [_] Central / South America > [_] Iraq > [_] Aircraft carrier > [_] Iraq > [_] Europe > [_] Iraq > [_] Middle East (not Iraq) > [_] Iraq > [_] Africa > [_] Iraq > [_] Asia / Far East > [_] Iraq > [_] Misc. Third World countries > [_] Iraq > [_] Classified > [_] Iraq > > 9. Please check the products that you currently > own or intend to > purchase in the near future: > [_] Color TV > [_] VCR > [_] ICBM > [_] Killer Satellite > [_] CD Player > [_] Air-to-Air Missiles > [_] Space Shuttle > [_] Home Computer > [_] Nuclear Weapon > [_] Toaster Oven > [_] Flame-Thrower/Grenade Launcher > > 10. How would you describe yourself or your > organization? (Check all > that apply:) > [_] Communist / Socialist > [_] Terrorist > [_] Twinkie-Crazed > [_] Neutral > [_] Democratic > [_] Dictatorship > [_] Corrupt > [_] Primitive / Tribal > > 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas > product? > [_] Deficit spending/"black" programs > [_] Cash > [_] Suitcases of cocaine > [_] Oil revenues > [_] Personal check > [_] IMF Loan > [_] Credit card > [_] Ransom money > [_] Traveler's check > [_] UN Aid Program > [_] World Bank Loan > > 12. Your occupation: > [_] Homemaker > [_] Sales / marketing > [_] Revolutionary > [_] Clerical > [_] Mercenary > [_] Tyrant > [_] Middle management > [_] Eccentric billionaire > [_] Defense Minister / General > [_] Retired > [_] Student > > 13. To help us understand our customers' > lifestyles, please indicate the > interests and activities in which you and your > spouse enjoy participating on > a regular basis: > [_] Golf > [_] Boating / sailing > [_] Sabotage > [_] Running / jogging > [_] Propaganda / disinformation > [_] Destabilization / overthrow > [_] Default on loans > [_] Gardening > [_] Crafts > [_] Black market / smuggling > [_] Collectibles / collections > [_] Watching sports on TV > [_] Wines > [_] Interrogation / torture > [_] Household pets > [_] Crushing rebellions > [_] Espionage / reconnaissance > [_] Fashion clothing > [_] Border disputes > [_] Mutually Assured Destruction > > Thank you for taking the time to fill out this > questionnaire. Your > answers > will be used in market studies that will help > McDonnell Douglas serve > you > better in the future - as well as allowing you to > receive mailings and > special offers from other companies, governments, > extremist groups, and > mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to > this survey, you > will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our > Desert Thunder > Sweepstakes! > > Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? > Please write to: > McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION > Marketing Department > Military Aerospace Division > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 13 00:58:02 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id RAA27866 for ; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 17:00:55 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 17:46:49 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320XKS>; Mon, 12 Apr 1999 17:55:22 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D6A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: That last one is really bad... Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 17:55:20 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4658 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, April 12, 1999 7:21 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: That last one is really bad... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I > am going to make it rain until the whole world is > covered with water and all the evil things are > destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people > and > two of every living thing on the planet. I am > ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of > lightning, he delivered the specifications for the > ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and > fumbling > with the blueprints, "I'm your man." > > Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and > the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked > down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and > there was no ark. > > "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A > lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside > Noah. > > "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did > my > best, but there were some big problems. First, I > had > to get a building permit for the ark's construction, > but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had > to > hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into > a > long argument with him about whether to include a > sprinkler system. > > "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was > violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in > my > front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city > planning board. > > Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for > the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to > save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the > environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife > Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but > they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. > > "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got > sued by an animal rights group that objected to me > taking along only two of each kind. > > "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA > notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without > filling out an environmental impact statement on > Your > proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea > that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme > Being. > Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the > proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! > > "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a > complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission > over > how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS > has > seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to > leave the country, and I just got a notice from the > state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I > don't think I can finish the ark in less than five > years." > > With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to > shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah > looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going > to > destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. > > "No," said the Lord. "The government already > has." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there > was > a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had > been checking her out all night, but lacked the > nerve > to go talk to her. > > Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying > out of her socket towards the man. With his quick > reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. > > "Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as > she > popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you > dinner to make it up to you." > > They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and > afterwards the woman invited him back to her place > for > a drink. > > They went back to her house, and after a bit she > brought him into the bedroom and began undressing > him. > The couple had wild, passionate sex many times > during > the night. > > The next morning when he awoke, she had already > gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed. > > The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect > woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" > > "No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my > eye!" _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 6 23:50:15 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA13359 for ; Tue, 6 Apr 1999 23:44:18 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40336>; Wed, 7 Apr 1999 00:30:09 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320TKT>; Wed, 7 Apr 1999 00:38:48 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D48@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Jokes Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 00:38:45 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2714 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 1999 12:35 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: Jokes > A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a > white > wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, > surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, > "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, > boy?" > > The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." > > The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" > > The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." > > The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what > the > heck is a taxidermist?" > > The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." > > The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, > "It's okay boys, he's one of us!" > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > The Flight Agent > > An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent > in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her > point, when confronted with a passenger who > probably > deserved to fly as cargo. > > A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent > was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced > travelers. > > Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the > desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and > said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be > FIRST CLASS." > > The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to > try to help you, but I've got to help these folks > first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something > out." > > The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so > that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you > have any idea who I am?" > > Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and > grabbed > her public address microphone. "May I have your > attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing > throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here > at > the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can > help him find his identity, please come to the > gate." > > With the folks behind him in line laughing > hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, > gritted his teeth and swore, "F___ you!" > > Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, > sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, > too." _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Apr 15 09:04:48 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA23387 for ; Wed, 14 Apr 1999 23:47:57 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Thu, 15 Apr 1999 00:33:51 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320ZQL>; Thu, 15 Apr 1999 00:42:22 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D79@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: skilled Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 00:42:20 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1633 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 1999 12:13 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: skilled A little something we women can relate to. A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..." _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Apr 15 09:04:47 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA22967 for ; Wed, 14 Apr 1999 23:44:51 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Thu, 15 Apr 1999 00:30:45 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D320ZQK>; Thu, 15 Apr 1999 00:39:23 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D78@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: jokes... Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 00:39:20 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3477 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 1999 8:11 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: jokes... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday and > decided to go ice fishing. So early the next morning > she got all her gear and headed out. > > When she reached her destination she cut a hole in > the > ice and dipped the rod in. > > Then suddenly she heard a voice that said:"there's > no > fish in there". > > So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, > then the same voice spoke again and told her there > were > no fish there. > > So she moves again and the voice tells her there are > no > fish there. So she looks up and see's a man looking > down at her. > > "How do you know there are no fish there?" > > So the man cooly says "Well first of all this is a > hockey rink and you're going to have to pay for > those > holes. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A man takes the day off work and decides to go out > golfing. > > He is on the second hole when he notices a frog > sitting > next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is > about > to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." > > The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, > he > hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and > decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, > and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 Inches from > the > cup. He is shocked. > > He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must > be a > lucky frog, eh? > > The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." > > The man decides to take the frog with him to the > next > hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. > "Ribbit > 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole > in > one. > > The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. > By > the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of > golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to > next?" > > The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las > Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" > > The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching > the > roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I > should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black > 6." > > Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after > the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! > Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. > The > man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the > hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I > don't > know how to repay you. You've won me all this money > and > I am forever grateful". > > The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why > not, > since after all the frog did for him, he deserves > it. > > With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous > 15-year-old > girl. > > "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in > my > room. So help me God or my name is not William > Jefferson Clinton." _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 20 05:34:47 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA15351 for ; Mon, 19 Apr 1999 23:56:41 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:42:34 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D32070F>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:51:09 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D8B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: top ten e-mail addresses Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:50:58 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1957 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, April 17, 1999 8:25 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: top ten e-mail addresses Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and middle initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L.Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however: TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses 10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu 9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu 8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com 7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu 6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu 5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) beeranbj@myplace.com 4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu 3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu 2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton, Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com 1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 20 05:34:48 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA15873 for ; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:01:09 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:47:04 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D32070H>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:55:40 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D8D@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: JOKES Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:55:39 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4745 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, April 17, 1999 8:23 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: JOKES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > "Stoned Lover" > > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her > husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, > "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil > all > over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. > > "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. > "Just > pretend you're a statue." > > "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he > entered the room. > > "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. > "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked > it > so much, I got one for us too." > > No more was said about the statue, not even later > that > night when they went to sleep. > > Around two in the morning the husband got out of > bed, > went to the kitchen and returned a while later with > a > sandwich and a glass of milk. > > "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I > stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, > and > nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Keys to Business Success > =--= > 1. Never walk down the hall without a document in > your > hands. People with documents in their hands look > like > hardworking employees heading for important > meetings. > People with nothing in their hands look like they're > heading for the cafeteria. People with the > newspaper > in their hands look like they're heading for the > bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of > stuff > home with you at night, thus generating the false > impression that you work longer hours than you do. > > 2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a > computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. > You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate > your finances and generally have a blast without > doing > anything remotely related to work. These aren't > exactly > the societal benefits that everybody from the > computer > revolution expected but they're not bad either. When > you get caught by your boss--and you will get > caught-- > your best defense is to claim you're teaching > yourself > to use the new software, thus saving valuable > training > dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. > Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will > make your boss scurry away like a frightened > salamander. > > 3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a > clean > desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not > working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents > around your workspace. To the observer, last year's > work looks the same as today's work; it's volume > that > counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know > somebody > is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll > need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage > for > it when he/she arrives. > > 4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have > voice mail. People don't call you just because they > want to give you something for nothing--they call > because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's > the > way to live. Screen all your calls through voice > mail. > If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and > it > sounds like impending work, respond during lunch > hour. > That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even > though you're being a devious weasel. If you > diligently > employ the method of screening incoming calls and > then > returning calls when nobody is there, this will > greatly > increase the odds that they will give up or look for > a > solution that doesn't involve you. > > The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is > "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If > your > voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages > it > can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. > One way to do that is to never erase any incoming > messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a > few > messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message > that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure > sign > that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 20 05:34:48 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA17812 for ; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 00:23:15 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 01:09:11 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D32070Q>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 01:17:43 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D91@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Some of you may not be able to read this because they are att ached pictures. Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 01:17:42 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="---- =_NextPart_000_01BE8ACB.972E4A20" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 90859 This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. ------ =_NextPart_000_01BE8ACB.972E4A20 Content-Type: text/plain -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, April 19, 1999 8:16 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Some of you may not be able to read this because they are attached pictures. To everybody else, enjoy! Note: forwarded message attached. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com ------ =_NextPart_000_01BE8ACB.972E4A20 Content-Type: message/rfc822 Message-ID: <86256758.0046F9F1.00@crnotes.collins.rockwell.com> From: David C Lufkin To: slufkin@yahoo.com Subject: Remote controls Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 08:53:06 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="---- =_NextPart_002_01BE8ACB.972E4A20" ------ =_NextPart_002_01BE8ACB.972E4A20 Content-Type: text/plain ---------------------- Forwarded by David C Lufkin/CedarRapids/Collins/Rockwell on 04/19/99 07:51 AM --------------------------- Robert W Ramey 04/16/99 07:30 AM To: Rodney J Lahr/CedarRapids/Collins/Rockwell@Rockwell, David C Lufkin/CedarRapids/Collins/Rockwell@Rockwell, Gary L Matthews/CedarRapids/Collins/Rockwell@Rockwell, Robert A Philipps/CedarRapids/Collins/Rockwell@Rockwell, Darcy A Hilton/CedarRapids/Collins/Rockwell@Rockwell, Marsha A 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Apr 1999 00:24:30 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 01:10:26 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D32070R>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 01:19:04 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24D92@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Here's a good one for you Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 01:19:03 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2285 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, April 19, 1999 8:15 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Here's a good one for you Thanks Scott, I haven't laughed that hard in a while!! Tears and all!!! :P The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat Of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." From - Wed Apr 21 11:15:20 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA13682 for ; Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:11:19 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:57:12 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D3209C2>; Wed, 21 Apr 1999 09:05:47 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8A3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes... Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 09:05:45 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2565 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, April 21, 1999 7:45 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: jokes... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his > voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you > Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 > American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 > pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet > and no one takes up the Texan's offer. > > One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same > gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan > on > the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the > Irishman. > > The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up > 10 > pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears > into > all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all > back-to- > back. > > The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in > amazement. > > The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If > ya > don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 > minutes you were gone?". > > The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub > down > the street to see if I could do it first". > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an > American in an overseas flight. After a few > cocktails, > the men began discussing their home lives. > > "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the > Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me > delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored > me." > > "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," > the > Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a > wonderful omelet and told me she could never love > another man." > > When the American remained silent, the Frenchman > smugly > asked, "And how many times did you make love to your > wife last night?" > > "Once," he replied. > > "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And > what > did she say to you this morning?" > > "Don't stop." > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Apr 22 11:57:02 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA14548 for ; Thu, 22 Apr 1999 08:31:46 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Thu, 22 Apr 1999 09:17:38 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D3200DS>; Thu, 22 Apr 1999 09:26:13 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8AC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Seeing Eyes Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 09:26:12 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2098 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, April 22, 1999 7:34 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Seeing Eyes > >>>Seeing Eye Dog (true story) > >>> > >>>I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. > By the time we took > >>off, there had > >>>been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was > ticked. > >>> > >>>Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the > way. The flight > >>attendant explained > >>>that there would be another 45-minute delay, and > if we wanted to get > >>off the > >>>aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. > >>> > >>>Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman > who was blind. I > >>noticed him as I > >>>walked by and could tell he had flown before > because his Seeing Eye > >>dog lay quietly > >>>underneath the seats in front of him throughout > the entire flight. > >>I could also tell > >>>he had flown this very flight before because the > pilot approached > >>him and, calling > >>>him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento > for almost an hour. > >>Would you like to > >>>get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, > "No thanks, but > >>maybe my dog would > >>>like to stretch his legs." > >> > >> > >>>Picture this .... all the people in the gate area > came to a completely > >> quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the > pilot walk off the > plane > >> with the Seeing Eye dog! (The pilot was even > wearing sunglasses.) > >> People scattered! > >>They not only tried to change planes, they also > were trying to change > airlines! > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat Apr 24 08:38:19 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA14408 for ; Fri, 23 Apr 1999 23:28:37 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 24 Apr 1999 00:14:26 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D3JAA5A>; Sat, 24 Apr 1999 00:23:04 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8B5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Computer one liners Date: Sat, 24 Apr 1999 00:23:01 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3915 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, April 23, 1999 1:05 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: Computer one liners --- "Baughman, John" wrote: > From: "Baughman, John" > To: 'Scott Lufkin' > Subject: Computer one liners > Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 11:13:29 -0600 > > Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. > The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER > Did anyone see my lost carrier? > Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. > Artificial Intelligence usually beats real > stupidity. > Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. > Double your drive space - delete Windows! > Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. > C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. > Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? > My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit > ANSI. > Honey, I Formatted the Kid! > Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! > Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient > voltage. > Who is General Failure and why is he reading my > disk? > Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ > Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... > Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... > Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... > Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... > Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! > C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. > ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. > How do I set my laser printer on stun? > 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' > '.... now touch these wires to your tongue!' > According to my calculations the problem doesn't > exist. > It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! > RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! > Computers are only human. > This time it will surely run. > I just found the last bug. > The generation of random numbers is too important to > be left to > chance. -Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National > Laboratory > It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant > Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John > Wendel > The programmer's nat'l anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH' > - Weinberg, p. 152 > If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then > programming must > be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra > "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare." > "Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE" > Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... > To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. > If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 > Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be > fixed... > Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... > Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad > memory... > Asking if computers can think is like asking if > submarines can swim. > AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse > Anonymous > CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today > This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. > Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator > Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. > Programming is an art form that fights back. > Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO > CARRIER > My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. > Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values > of 2. > To define recursion, we must first define recursion. > Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee. > > > John Baughman, Web Developer > <<...>> > My phone 309.748.7028 > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat Apr 24 08:38:20 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA14960 for ; Fri, 23 Apr 1999 23:30:53 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 24 Apr 1999 00:16:49 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <2D3JAA5B>; Sat, 24 Apr 1999 00:25:22 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8B6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Light bulb jokes Date: Sat, 24 Apr 1999 00:25:20 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3256 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, April 23, 1999 1:12 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: Light bulb jokes --- "Baughman, John" wrote: > From: "Baughman, John" > To: 'Scott Lufkin' > Subject: Light bulb jokes > Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 11:22:51 -0600 > > Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to > change a light bulb? > A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to > write > WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write > WinGetLightSwitchHandle,... > Q: How many software engineers does it take to > change a light bulb? > A:None. That's a hardware problem. > Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light > bulb? > A: MIS has received your request concerning your > hardware problem, and has > assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please > use this number for any > future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon > as a technician becomes > available, you will be contacted. > Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it > take to change a light > bulb? > A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and > it seems to be working > fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? > Ok. Now, exactly how > dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things > wrong... have you tried > the light switch? > Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to > change a light bulb? > A: Three. Two holding the ladder and one to screw > the light bulb into a > faucet. > Q: How many Microsoft Vice Presidents does it take > to change a light bulb? > A: Eight. One to change the bulb, and seven to make > sure Microsoft gets > $2.00 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in > the world. > Q: How many software testers does it take to change > a light bulb? > A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't > actually fix the problems. > Q: How many software developers does it take to > change a light bulb? > A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my > office... > Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a > light bulb? > A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly > designed light bulb object > would inherit a change method from a generic light > bulb class, so all you'd > have to do is send a light bulb change message. > Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a > light bulb? > A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST > as easy for him as it > would have been for a Macintosh user. > Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to > change a light bulb? > A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (TM) > as the new industry > standard. > > > John Baughman, Web Developer > <<...>> > My phone 309.748.7028 > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Apr 27 08:37:38 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id UAA02422 for ; Mon, 26 Apr 1999 20:06:07 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Mon, 26 Apr 1999 20:52:02 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 26 Apr 1999 21:00:32 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8BA@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes... Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1999 21:00:31 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 9129 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, April 26, 1999 11:28 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: jokes... --- LYNKK1633@uni.edu wrote: > Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1999 11:20:01 -0500 (CDT) > From: LYNKK1633@uni.edu > Subject: jokes... > To: slufkin@yahoo.COM > > From: IN%"jokes@jokepost.COM" 24-APR-1999 > 01:02:51.65 > To: IN%"LynkK1633@uni.edu" > CC: > Subj: THE DAILY JOKE POST! - Fri Apr 23 17:55:59 > 1999 > > Return-path: > Received: from mz.media3.net ([206.67.55.1]) by > uni.edu (PMDF V5.2-31 #30986) > with ESMTP id <01JAE5MO12O68YF4KU@uni.edu> for > LynkK1633@uni.edu > (ORCPT rfc822;LynkK1633@uni.edu); Sat, 24 Apr 1999 > 01:02:38 CDT > Received: (from jokepost@localhost) by mz.media3.net > (8.9.2/8.9.2) > id BAA16033; Sat, 24 Apr 1999 01:59:48 -0400 (EDT) > Date: Sat, 24 Apr 1999 01:59:48 -0400 (EDT) > From: jokes@jokepost.COM > Subject: THE DAILY JOKE POST! - Fri Apr 23 17:55:59 > 1999 > To: LynkK1633@uni.edu > Message-id: <199904240559.BAA16033@mz.media3.net> > Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT > Original-recipient: rfc822;LynkK1633@uni.edu > > THE DAILY JOKE POST! - Thu Apr 22 04:00:02 1999 > http://www.jokepost.com > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > DOZENS OF FREE E-MAIL NEWSLETTERS! > Make one visit and sign up for dozens of free > zines - humor, business, MLM, hobbies, money, > finance and much more. Visit and bookmark > > www.newslettersforfree.com/?EZ110 > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > THE RULES > > 1. The Female always makes the Rules. This is > necessary because the Male holds the Female > responsible > for how everything in his life turns out. > > 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time > without > prior notification. Notification does occurs, but > the > Male has either ignored, misunderstood or forgotten > what's been said. > > 3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules. > Because > the Male either ignores, misunderstands or forgets > them > and never says so. > > 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows the Rules, > she must immediately change some of the Rules. This > is > done to keep the Male involved, responsive, and a > little bit crazy. Otherwise, life would be > predicable > and boring. > > 5. The Female is never wrong. Never! Ever! > > 6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a > flagrant > misunderstanding which is a direct result of > something > the Male said or did. > > 7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize > immediately for causing the misunderstanding. > > 8. The Female can change her mind at any given > point > in time. The Female can do this because she > willingly > accepts responsibility for her actions. The Female > also accepts responsibility for the actions of the > Male. > > 9. Because the Male usually expects the Female to > find > a way to correct what he's screwed up as a result of > changing his mind, the Male must never change his > mind > without express written consent from the Female > which > is given only in cases where the female wanted him > to > change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. > See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13. > > 10. The female has the right to be angry or upset > for > any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under > any > circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems > appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of > the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. > The female may, however, give false or misleading > reasons to see if the male is paying attention. > Caring > for the Male 24 hours a day gives her this right. > See > rule 13. > > 11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless > the > Female wants him to be angry or upset. > > 12. The Female must under no circumstances let the > Male > know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. > Some things in life a Male should try and figure out > for himself. > > 13. Any attempt to document these rules could result > in > bodily harm. Or worse. > > 14. The male is expected to read the mind of the > female > at all times. Failure to do so will result in > punishments and penalties imposed at the sole > discretion of the female. > > 15. The female may, at any time and for any reason, > resurrect any past incident without regard to > temporal > or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, > of > wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the > male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, > insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or > oafish. > > 16. The female may use her interpretation of any > past > occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male > has > failed to accord her the consideration, respect, > devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed > on > other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, > sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, > aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non- > rebuttable. > > 17. If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or > Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any > manner > of behaviors she wishes without regard to logical > consistency or accepted norms of human behavior. > > 18. The Male cannot diagnose PMS. However, the Male > would be able to do so if it were a Male problem. > The > Male would then have complete disability benefits as > well as total in-house care because of it. > > 19. Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, > utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male > is > subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of > the > female, other external factors not-withstanding. > Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, > extenuations, or rationalizations will not be > entertained. Abject please for mercy and forgiveness > are acceptable under some circumstances, especially > when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > $$$$ PROFIT-FROM-HOME $$$$ > > Financial Freedom Can Be Yours > $500.00 To $2500.00 P/T $1500.00 TO $5000.00 FULL > TIME > Many of us have left high paying - HIGH PRESSURE > careers. > Some of us are Doctors, Engineers , Nurses , Single > Working > Mothers , Factory Workers And Business Owners. These > people > and many more are making DOUBLE AND TRIPLE what they > used to > make. YOU CAN DO JUST AS WE HAVE DONE !!!! See Us > At: > > http://www.Work-From-Home.com/get-rich > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly > Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he > looked needy. > > "Can I help you?" the madam asked. > > "I want Natalie," the old man replied. > > "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, > perhaps someone else..." > > "No, I must see Natalie." > > Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old > man > that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never > blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her > ten > $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour > whereupon the man calmly left. > > The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. > Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two > nights in a row and that there were no discounts... > it > was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the > money, > the two went up to the room and he calmly left an > hour > later. > > When he showed up the third consecutive night, no > one > could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money > and > up to the room they went. At the end of the hour > Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever > used > my services three nights in a row... where are you > from?" > > The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." > > "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who > lives > there." > > "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 > to > give to you." > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > WHEN FORWARDING, PLEASE KEEP THIS EMAIL INTACT > > SUBSCRIBE/UNSUBSCRIBE: > http://jokepost.com/subscribe.html > ADVERTISING INFO: > Show your 3-5 line email ad to 40,000+ people! > Only $30-$75 send mailto:advertising@jokepost.com > JOKE SUBMISSIONS: > mailto:jokester@jokepost.com -or- > mailto:jokemaster@jokepost.com > COPYRIGHT INFO: > http://jokepost.com/copyright.html > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > THE DAILY JOKE POST! > Is brought to you by JOKEPOST.com! > http://www.jokepost.com > Your source for jokes on the internet. > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Apr 28 00:37:28 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id VAA05425 for ; Tue, 27 Apr 1999 21:03:59 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Tue, 27 Apr 1999 21:49:48 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 27 Apr 1999 21:58:18 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8C5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Sick of getting Forwards Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 21:58:15 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 8754 > -----Original Message----- > From: John Osmanski > Sent: Tuesday, April 27, 1999 7:38 PM > To: Angela Blackley; Nathan Fisher; Matt Hargreaves; Scott Lufkin > Subject: FW: Sick of getting Forwards > > > > -----Original Message----- > From: Jana Qualls > Sent: Tuesday, April 27, 1999 7:08 PM > To: John Osmanski > Subject: FW: Sick of getting Forwards > > Funny reading :-) > > -----Original Message----- > From: Ian Jungling [SMTP:jungling@macol.net] > > Sent: Sunday, April 25, 1999 8:04 AM > To: Jana.Qualls@telethinking.com > Subject: FW: Sick of getting Forwards > > > >> YOU MUST READ THIS. FOR ANYONE WHO IS TIRED OF > >> FORWARDS AND I KNOW YOU > >> ALL ARE!!!!!!!!! > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and > >> deadly > >> diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear > of > >> being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for > >> not > >> sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who > >> actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl > in > >> Arkansas with a disease brought on from the big bad men who > >> kidnapped > >> her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child > >> pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send > >> me the > >> letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give > you > >> and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid > >> are you? > >> Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll > >> get > >> laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch > >> of > >> bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the > >> people > >> out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid > >> chain > >> mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come > >> into my > >> apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the > >> chain which > >> was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by > >> midget > >> pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, > it'll be > >> in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous > >> streak of > >> blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, > at > >> least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this > to > >> 50 > >> of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human > >> being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being'" > >> forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little > >> intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to > by > >> sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. > >> THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: > >> Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> >Make a wish!!! > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> >Really, go on and make one!!! > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> >Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> >Wish something else!!! > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> >Not that, you pervert!! > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> >Is your finger getting tired yet? > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> > > >> >> >>> >STOP!!!! > >> >> >>> > > >> Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you > >> feel > >> guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this > to > >> people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and > >> then > >> thrown off a high building into a pile of shit. It's true! Because, > you > >> now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is > TRUE!! > >> Really!!! > >> Here's how it goes: > >> *Send this to one person: One person will be pissed off at you for > >> sending them a stupid chain letter. > >> *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for > >> sending them a stupid chain letter. > >> *5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending > them > >> a > >> stupid chain letter. > >> *10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending > >> them a > >> stupid chain letter. > >> *20 to 674951 people: 20 to 674951 people will be pissed off at you > >> for > >> sending them a stupid chain letter. > >> Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! > >> ------------------------------------------------------- > >> > >> Chain Letter Type 2 > >> Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a > >> starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no > >> legs, > >> no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, > >> because > >> for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the > Little > >> Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from > >> Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. > >> Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all > >> bull. > >> So go on, reach out. Send this to five people in the next 47 > >> seconds. > >> Oh, and a reminder-if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, > >> you > >> will die instantly. Thanks again!! > >> > >> ------------------------------------------------------- > >> > >> Chain Letter Type 3 > >> Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This > is > >> absolutely incredible because there was no email then and > >> probably not > >> as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it > >> works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or > >> something > >> horrible will happen to you like: > >> Queer Horror Story #1 > >> Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She > >> had > >> recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a > >> crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a > >> drainpipe > >> in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only > did > >> she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! > >> Queer Horror Story #2 > >> Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and > >> ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his > >> boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way-"not that there's > >> anything > >> wrong with that!"). They both died and went to hell. They continued > >> to > >> suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens > >> every > >> day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you > >> could end > >> up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your > loser > >> friends, and everything will be Ok. > >> > >> ------------------------------------------------------- > >> Chain Letter Type 4: > >> As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one > of > >> your friends. > >> Friends > >> * A friend is someone, who is always at your side, > >> * A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like > >> poop, > >> * A friend is someone who likes you even though you're > >> disgustingly ugly > >> * A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled > >> yourself > >> * A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry > >> about your loser life, > >> * A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they > >> really > >> think you should be keeping company with a monkey and then > >> thrown to > >> vicious dogs, -A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and > >> vacuums > >> and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much > >> English, no > >> sorry that's the cleaning lady, > >> * A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because > >> he > >> wants his wish of being rich to come true. > >> > >> Now pass this on! If you don't, the mutant lizards will eat you. > >> > >> From - Sun Mar 21 02:37:35 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA25717 for ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 00:24:29 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:10:23 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:19:11 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CD24CD4@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Suanne, this was really bad... Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999 01:19:09 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1713 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Friday, March 19, 1999 11:16 AM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: Suanne, this was really bad... Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around. From - Tue Mar 2 10:56:06 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA08721 for ; Mon, 1 Mar 1999 23:58:17 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40333>; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:44:07 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:52:57 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CC05B15@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: more jackpots jokes... Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 00:52:54 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2753 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin Sent: Monday, March 01, 1999 12:16 PM To: Andrea Durnan; Angela Blackley; Chad Schallock; Dave' Home; Dave Lufkin; Dave Peirschbacher; David Plorins; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; James Thilges; Jay Godbey; Jessi Cook; Jessie Cook; John Baughman; John Osmanski; Kelly Niichel; Kendra Lynk; Kris Tate; Linda Burrichter; Lisa Osby; Matt Hargreaves; Nathan Fisher; Nicole Lynk; Nita Geerts; Ryan Hammel; Scott McChesney; Scott Westpfahl; Scotty Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Todd Miller Subject: more jokepost jokes... Sunday Drive Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There's this little Ozark family, Maw, Paw, Junior, and Sally. One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?" Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore 'bout ol'nuff to find out. Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread'n'em legs." After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw." Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way. About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior, wh-whut's that?" Junior, being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'. You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From - Sat May 1 19:07:52 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA18491 for ; Sat, 1 May 1999 14:45:41 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:31:36 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:40:02 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8D9@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Big Rectum Joke (we need one of these every so often...) Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 15:40:01 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2807 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, May 01, 1999 7:52 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Big Rectum Joke (we need one of these every so often...) Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden > Gate > >> > Bridge after spending a great day out on the > ocean fishing. > >> > His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in > newspaper > >> > on the passenger side floor. He was late > getting home and > >> > was speeding...wouldn't you know, a cop jumped > out, radar > >> > gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the > bridge. Bob > >> > pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked > up to the > >> > window and said, "You know how fast you were > going, BOY?" > >> > Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 50?" > >> > "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the > cop. "But if you > >> > already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did > you ask me?" > >> > Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, > in his normal > >> > sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're > getting a ticket > >> > and a fine!" > >> > The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his > stained fishing > >> > attire and said, "You don't even look like you > have a job! > >> > Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my > entire life!" > >> > Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, > well-paying > >> > job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling > Bob's fish catch, > >> > said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you > have?" > >> > "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What > you say, BOY?" > >> > asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" > >> > The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does > a rectum > >> > stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me > up and say they > >> > need to be stretched, so I go over to their > house. I start with a > >> > couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then > one whole hand, > >> > then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and > farther apart until > >> > it's a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed > with these bizarre > >> > images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do > you do with a > >> > six- foot asshole?" > >> > Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar > gun and stick it > >> > at the end of a bridge!" > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat May 1 19:07:53 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA18846 for ; Sat, 1 May 1999 14:49:32 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:35:28 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:43:57 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8DA@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Wit and Wisdom from Homer J. Simpsonn Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 15:43:54 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3131 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, May 01, 1999 8:21 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: FWD: Wit and Wisdom from Homer J. Simpsonn > >>>THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON > >>> > >>>"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's > for Daddys, and > >>>kids with fake IDs.""Marge, it takes two to lie. > One to lie and > one to > >>>listen." > >>> > >>>"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest > day of your life > >>>if you had an electrified fooling machine." > >>> > >>>"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out > of things is > important > >>>to learn. It's what separates us from the > animals! ... Except the > >>>weasel." > >>> > >>>"If you really want something in life you have to > work for it. > >>>Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery > numbers." > >>> > >>>"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to > speed around a > >>>city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed > changed, it would > >>>explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That > Couldn't Slow Down.'" > >>> > >>>"I want to share something with you - the three > sentences that > >>>will get you through life. Number one, 'cover > for me.' Number > two, > >>>'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like > that when I got > >>>here.'" > >>> > >>>"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as > smart as yoda." > >>> > >>>"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are > my > specialty.'Dear > >>>Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" > >>> > >>>"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. > People die all the > time. > >>>Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead > tomorrow. Well, good > >>>night." > >>> > >>>"Son, when you participate in sporting events, > it's not whether > >>>you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." > >>> > >>>"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - > and it hasn't > >>>it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, > such as hot oil > wrestling > >>>and foxy boxing and such and such." > >>> > >>>"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't > strike. You just go > >>>in every day and do it really half-assed. That's > the American > way." > >>> > >>>"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned > anything from > >>>that guy who gives those sermons at church? > Captain whats-his- > name?" > >>> > >>>"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I > took you to all > >>>those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I > didn't hear anybody > >>>laughin', did you?" > >>> > >>>"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' > without adding, > 'you're > >>>making a scene.'" _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat May 1 19:07:53 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA19111 for ; Sat, 1 May 1999 14:52:38 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:38:33 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:46:57 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8DB@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: heh Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 15:46:56 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4198 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, May 01, 1999 8:28 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall; adamgeerts@hotmail.com Subject: heh --- Jay Godbey wrote: > Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 13:13:13 -0700 (PDT) > From: Jay Godbey > Subject: heh > To: slufkin@yahoo.com > > > WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger > WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet > WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is > now in every file > WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong > WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused > WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on > drive > WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money > spent on hardware > WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass > fragments > WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows > what has happened > WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - > Mailbox full > WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least > 50MB > WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. > More! More! More! > WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside > WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside > WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how > this happened > WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our > developers > WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? > WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can > think of. > WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been > destroyed. Buy a new > one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore. > WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is > Not! > WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please > reinstall all your > software. We are terribly sorry. > WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to > get this error. Next > time you will get a penalty for that. > WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be > inadequate. > WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure > out our own code. > WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. > And wait. And wait. > WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional > errors will be > lost. > WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated > in a dos-box. The > virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will > automatically be > closed and the virus will be activated again. > WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not > been installed. > Please click the left mouse button to continue. > WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors > encountered. > Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. > WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do > you want to play > another game? > WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep > while waiting for the > system to complete boot procedure. > WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been > working perfectly for > the past ten minutes > WinErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working > perfectly, I'm not > lying, your monitor is wrong > WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that? > WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell me again. > WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your > disk is in perfect > condition (I just formatted it), I don't like it any > more > WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard > disk were neatly > arranged and fully optimized, so I had to mess them > up and put a couple > of hundred .TMP files all over the place > WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or your > computer gets > screwed > Winerr: 294b BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or I'll > show your wife the > JPG's you just downloaded > _________________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Get your free @yahoo.com address at > http://mail.yahoo.com > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat May 1 19:07:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA19208 for ; Sat, 1 May 1999 14:53:43 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:39:39 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:48:03 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8DC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Wrestling (I love this joke)... Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 15:48:01 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2524 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, May 01, 1999 8:31 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Wrestling (I love this joke)... > Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the > wrestling event. It > is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for > the goldmedal. > Before the final match, the American wrestler's > trainer came to him and > said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done > on this Russian. > He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" > hold he has. Whatever > you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he > does, you're > finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. > Now, to the match: The American and the Russian > circled each other > several times looking for an opening. All of a > sudden the Russian lunged > forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up > in the dreaded > pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from > the crowd, and the > trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all > was lost. He > couldn't watch the ending. > Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, > and the trainer > raised his eyes just in time to see the Russian > flying up in the air. > The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the > American weakly > collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning > the match. The > trainer was astounded! > When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he > asks, "How did you > ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it > before!" The wrestler > answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got > me in that hold, but > at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this > pair of balls right in > front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, > so with my last ounce > of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those > babies just as hard as > I could. "So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished > him off did it?" > "No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you > bite your own > balls!" > > > > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat May 1 19:08:05 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id OAA19385 for ; Sat, 1 May 1999 14:55:39 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40337>; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:41:34 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 1 May 1999 15:50:03 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8DD@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Pets Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 15:50:01 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3406 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, May 01, 1999 8:33 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Pets > A guy decides that he'd like to have a pet and > goes to a pet shop. > After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a > little perch. It > doesn't have any feet or legs. > The guy says out loud, "Jeez, I wonder what > happened to this > parrot?." > "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a > defective parrot." > "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this > parrot actually > understood what I said and answered me." > "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am > a highly > intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." > "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do > you hang onto your > perch without any feet?" > "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little > embarrassing, but since > you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot > penis around this wooden > bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it > cause of my feathers." > "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and > answer, can't > you?" > "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I > can converse with > reasonable competence on almost any subject: > politics, religion, > sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially > good at ornithology. > You oughtto buy me. I am a great companion." > The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. > "I can't afford that." > "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over > with one wing. > "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You > can get me for $20,just > make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and > walks out with the parrot. > Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's > funny, he's interesting, > he's a great pal, he understands everything, > sympathizes, gives good > advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes > home from work and > the > parrot says, "pssst," And motions him over with > one wing. The guy goes > up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should > tell you this or not," > says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the > mailman..." > "What?" says the guy. "What?" > "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to > the door today your > wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed > him on the mouth." > "What happened then?" asks the guy. > "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up > the nightgown > and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. > "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" > "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his > knees and began > to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly > going down and down..." > The parrot pauses for a long time ... > "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic > guy. > "I don't know," says the Parrot, "My dick got hard > and I fell off > my perch." > > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue May 4 02:48:42 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA05906 for ; Tue, 4 May 1999 00:21:10 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Tue, 4 May 1999 01:07:09 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 4 May 1999 01:15:37 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8E7@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Clinton jokes Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 01:15:34 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 7335 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, May 03, 1999 12:24 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Clinton jokes > And just when you thought the Clinton jokes were > long gone... > > Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky > and the rest of us? > A: In order for us to get some dick in the White > House, we had to go > out and vote. > > Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton? > A: The President after Bush. > > Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and > his dog Buddy? > A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in > the White House, the > other is a chocolate Lab. > > Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave > his office? > A: "Don't hit your head on the desk." > > Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at > clothing stores on > President's day? > A: All pants half off. > > Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills > have in common? > A: They both blew the big one several times. > > Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in > government? > A: The Executive Branch. > > Q: What's the difference between Watergate and > Zippergate? > A: This time we know who Deep Throat is. > > Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew? > A: A small weenie in hot water. > > Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved > Clinton stew: > A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots > of spilled beans > and hot water. > > Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used > protection? > A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right > outside the door." > > Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a > screwdriver? > A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton > screws in-terns. > > Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having > sex? > A: You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your > blouse..... > > > > Subject: Are you ready?? > > > > > > How to tell whether or not you are ready to have > children: > > The Mess Test: > Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now > rub your hands in the = > wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the > stains with crayons. Place = > a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all > summer. > > The Toy Test: > Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not > available, you may = > substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a > friend spread them all > = > over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to > the bathroom or = > kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at > night.) > > The Grocery Store Test: > Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and > take them with you as > = > you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in > sight and pay for = > anything they eat or damage. > > The Dressing Test: > Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into > a small net bag, = > making sure that all arms stay inside. > > The Feeding Test: > Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with > water. Suspend from the > = > ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. > Try to insert spoonfuls > = > of soggy cereal (such as Froot Loops or Cheerios) > into the mouth of the = > jug, while pretending to be an airplane. When > finished, dump the contents = > of the jug on the floor. > > The Night Test: > Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it > with 8-12 > pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 > p.m. begin to waltz = > and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your > bag and set your alarm = > for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing > every song you have ever > = > heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too > until 4:00 a.m. Set = > alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep > this up for 5 years. = > Look cheerful. > > The Physical Test (Women): > Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the > front of your clothes. = > Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the > beans.=20 > > The Physical Test (Men): > Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the > counter. Ask the clerk > = > to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food > store. Go to the head = > office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly > deposited to the = > store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it > quietly for the last = > time. > > The Final Assignment: > Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture > them on how they can = > improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, > toilet training, and = > child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can > improve. Emphasize to = > them that they should never allow their children to > run riot. Enjoy this = > experience. It will be the last time you will have > all the answers. > > > > Subject: Doctor's Orders > > > > > > The following quotes were taken from actual medical > records as dictated by > physicians... > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > >By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had > stopped, and he was > feeling better. > > > >Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side > for over a year. > > > >On the second day the knee was better and on the > third day it had > completely disappeared. > > > >She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her > husband states she was > very hot in bed last night. > > > >The patient has been depressed ever since she began > seeing me in 1983 > > > >Patient was released to outpatient department > without dressing. > > > >I have suggested that he loosen his pants before > standing, and then, when > he stands with the help of his wife, they should > fall to the floor. > > > >The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She > also appears to be > depressed. > > > >Discharge status: Alive but without permission. > > > >The patient's past medical history has been > remarkably insignificant with > only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. > > > >She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went > in separate > directions= > in early December. > > > >The patient experienced sudden onset of severe > shortness of breath with a > picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while > having sex which gradually > deteriorated in the emergency room. > > > >The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia > for lunch. > > > >Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this > lady pregnant. > > > >The patient was in his usual state of good health > until his airplane ran > out of gas and > >crashed. > > > >Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I > thought you would like = > to work her up. > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue May 4 02:48:43 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA06091 for ; Tue, 4 May 1999 00:23:46 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Tue, 4 May 1999 01:09:42 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 4 May 1999 01:18:13 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A8E8@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes... Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 01:18:12 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2489 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, May 03, 1999 12:20 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: jokes... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A market researcher called at a house and his knock > was > answered by a young woman with three small children > running around her. He asked her if she minded > replying to his questions and when she agreed, he > asked > her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. > When > she said no, he mentioned that among their many > products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that > product. > > When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes, we > use > it when we have sexual intercourse.". > > The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask > that question because everyone uses our product and > they always say they use it for the child's bicycle > chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose; but > I > know that most people really use it for sexual > intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since > you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how > you > use it?". > > We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street > and > they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens > to > see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and > says, > "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again > for > no reason." > > The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big > deal? > Don't you like getting flowers?" > > The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel > like spending the next 3 days on my back with my > legs > in the air." > > The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?" > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue May 18 04:14:43 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA26749 for ; Mon, 17 May 1999 23:40:36 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Tue, 18 May 1999 00:26:34 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 18 May 1999 00:34:57 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CE8A969@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Humor Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 00:34:56 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2994 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, May 17, 1999 6:49 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Humor > > HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: > She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED > AMERICAN. > She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE > DEPENDENT. > She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. > She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is > METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. > She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF > HER BEST QUALITIES. > She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock > you in DOMESTIC > INCARCERATION. > She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY > APPRECIATIVE. > She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. > She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in > ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. > She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. > She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH > HER MASCULINE SIDE. > She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY > ENJOYED COMPANION. > She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits > FRAGRANCE ABUSE. > She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY > BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. > She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. > She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY > ATTRACTIVE. > She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. > She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. > She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets > CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. > She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves > MAXIMUM DENSITY. > She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY > INACCESSIBLE. > She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. > She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached > COSMETIC SATURATION. > She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY > ENHANCED. She does > not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She is > not a SLUT - She is > SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She is not LOOSE - She is > ELASTICALLY > UNDERPRIVILEGED. > She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is > PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. > She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST > PROVIDER. > > === > Gary Korte > gkorte@yahoo.com > > > _________________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Free instant messaging and more at > http://messenger.yahoo.com > _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Wed May 26 01:07:20 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA07940 for ; Tue, 25 May 1999 22:48:27 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40342>; Tue, 25 May 1999 23:34:24 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 25 May 1999 23:49:46 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE0FE7@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 5/25 Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 23:49:45 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2979 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 1999 8:10 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Daily Jokes for 5/25 *************************************************** Subject: Just $10 The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?" In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me?" The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss." In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if you say another word!" Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door. Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements." The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?" ************************************************************************ Subject: I wear the pants (fwd) A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said," here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's Right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it." "I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said,"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!" *********************************************************************** _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri May 28 06:12:31 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id GAA22609 for ; Fri, 28 May 1999 06:06:26 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Fri, 28 May 1999 06:52:27 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 28 May 1999 07:07:46 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE1016@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Ginger Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 07:07:44 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2099 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, May 22, 1999 7:54 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Matt Hargreaves; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; David Plorins; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Ginger > > A women goes to her boyfriend's parents house for > dinner. This is to be > > her first time meeting the family and she is very > nervous. They all sit > > down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is > beginning to feel a little > > discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the > broccoli casserole. > > > > The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. > Left with no other choice, > > she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out > a dainty little fart. > > It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard > the poot. > > > > Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, > her boyfriend's father > > looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at > the women's feet, and > > said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" > > > > The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big > smile came across her face. > > A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel > the pain again. This > > time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much > louder and longer fart rip. > > The father again looked at the dog and yelled, > "dammit Ginger!" > > > > Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A > few minutes later the > > woman had to let another one rip. This time she > didn't even think about > > it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train > whistle blowing. > > > > Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust > and yelled, "dammit > > Ginger, get away from her before she shits on > you!" > > > > > > _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Thu Jun 3 10:21:37 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id GAA03600 for ; Thu, 3 Jun 1999 06:04:12 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Thu, 3 Jun 1999 06:50:13 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 3 Jun 1999 07:05:37 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE103F@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: doctor's excuses Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 07:05:36 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2665 Subject: "Excuse Notes from Parents" These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... > > > > >> > > My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. > > > > >> > > Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. > > > > >> > > John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. > > > > >> > > Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. > > > > >> > > Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. > > > > >> > > Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the s----. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s] > > > > >> > > Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. > > > > >> > > Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. > > > > >> > > I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. > > > > >> > > Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. > > > > >> > > My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. > > > > >> > > Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. > > > > >> > > Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night From - Tue Jun 8 05:09:41 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA23949 for ; Mon, 7 Jun 1999 22:35:01 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40342>; Mon, 7 Jun 1999 23:21:01 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 7 Jun 1999 23:36:18 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE1060@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Lawyer Jokes to start the new week... Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 23:36:17 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2362 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, June 07, 1999 7:34 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Lawyer Jokes to start the new week... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he > called to his wife. > > She rushed in and said, 'What is it, honey?' > > He told her to run and get the bible as soon as > possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this > was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to > read > him his favorite verse or something of the sort. > > He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning > pages, his eyes darting right and left. > > The wife was curious. 'what are you doing, honey?' > she asked. > > 'I'm looking for loopholes!' he shouted. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a > lawyer > wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter > informed them that in order to get into Heaven, > they > would each have to answer one question. St. Peter > addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name > of > the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just > made > a movie about it." > > The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the > Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. > Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring > Heaven > didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would > bring with him, decided to make the question a > little > harder: "How many people died on the ship?" > > Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the > movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! > You > may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. > "Name > them." > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jun 8 05:09:43 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA26910 for ; Mon, 7 Jun 1999 22:58:37 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Mon, 7 Jun 1999 23:44:33 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 7 Jun 1999 23:59:52 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE1064@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: More jokes to amuse and abuse... Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 23:59:49 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3654 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, June 07, 1999 12:02 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: More jokes to amuse and abuse... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS: > > 1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the > sweaty things. > > 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. > > 3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk > about other people. > > 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but > not > be able to say it. > > 5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people > in > large groups. > > 6. The older you get, the better you realize you > were. > > 7. I doubt, therefore I might be. > > 8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. > > 9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with > yesterday. > > 10. Women like silent men, they think they're > listening. > > 11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal > with > it. > > 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. > Teach > him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink > beer all day. > > 13. A fool and his money are soon partying. > > 14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on > Wednesdays? > > 15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did > they > go back to? > > 16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy > adultery. > > 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the > audience > sitting? > > 18. If God dropped acid, would he see people? > > 19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest > have to drown too? > > 20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it > still #2? > > 21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to > pay > you to do it? > > 22. If you're born again, do you have two > bellybuttons? > > 23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still > be > hungry? > > 24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you > done? > > 25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't > shoot > at them? > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The Praying Parrot > > A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, > a > male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot > because it had a special skill. It would sit in the > bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She > was > also a devout church goer and would often brag to > the > congregation about her faithful parrot. > > One day the women was boasting about her parrot's > prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by > this. > "I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My > son > raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most > foul mouthed creature I've ever heard," he sighed. > "Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would > teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much." > > The woman readily agreed to this and a few days > later > the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's > parrot > sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed > the female inside with him. > > The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, > looked > the female over and shouted, "Hot damn!! This is > what > I've been praying for!!" _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Jun 9 01:20:58 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA25262 for ; Tue, 8 Jun 1999 22:49:48 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Tue, 8 Jun 1999 23:35:44 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 8 Jun 1999 23:50:59 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE107C@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Things You Shouldn't Say to a Trooper Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 23:50:56 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2533 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 1999 1:24 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Things You Shouldn't Say to a Trooper > > Things You Shouldn't Say to a Trooper > > > > 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my > beer. > > 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar > detector wasn't plugged > > in. > > 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? > > 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to > keep up with me! > > Good job! > > 5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? > > 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good > physical condition to > > be a police officer. > > 7. I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to > finish high school > > instead. > > 8. Bad cop! No donut! > > 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? > > 10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire > confidence. > > 11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the > picture on my girlfriend's > > night stand. > > 12. Is it true that people become troopers > because they are too dumb > > to work at McDonald's? > > 13. I pay your salary! > > 14. So, uh, you on the take, or what? > > 15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last > officer only gave me a > > warning, too! > > 16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, > just so one of us does. > > 17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I > know there is no > > other car around-that's how far > > ahead of me they are. > > 18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking? > "You're the trained > > specialist. > > 19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag > of crack, my gun fell > > off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal > and the gas pedal, > > forcing me to speed out of control. > > 20. Hey, is that a 9mm? How's that compare to > this one here? > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Jun 10 20:34:58 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA04341 for ; Wed, 9 Jun 1999 22:46:43 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40341>; Wed, 9 Jun 1999 23:32:44 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 9 Jun 1999 23:48:01 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE1089@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: DAILY JOKE June 8th Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 23:48:00 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2616 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, June 09, 1999 1:19 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: DAILY JOKE June 8th ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > It ALL Depends on the Way You Look at Things. > > One day a father and his rich family took his son on > a > trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing > him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a > night on the farm of a very poor family. When they > got > back from their trip the father asked his son, "How > was > the trip?" > > "Very good Dad!" > > "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father > asked. > > "Yeah!" > > "And what did you learn?" > > The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, > and they have four. > > We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the > garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have > imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. > Our > patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole > horizon." > > When the little boy was finishing, his father was > speechless. His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing > me > how poor we are!" > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Bull > > > A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start > heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. > The > sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull > mated > 50 times last year." > > The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 > times in a year, isn't that nice!" > > They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: > "This bull mated 65 times last year." > > The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one > mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a > month. > You could learn from this one!" > > They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: > "This bull mated 365 times last year." > > The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated > 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could > really learn from this one." > > The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up > and > inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow." > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jun 11 01:39:43 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA01136 for ; Thu, 10 Jun 1999 22:52:49 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40342>; Thu, 10 Jun 1999 23:38:49 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 10 Jun 1999 23:54:00 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE10A8@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for 6/10 Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 23:53:56 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3317 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, June 10, 1999 11:33 AM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Daily Jokes for 6/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Single... > > Shirley and Sophie are elderly widows. > > One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into > the > indoor swimming pool of a building with them. > > Sophie says "Shirley you know I'm shy. Can you go > over > to the other side of the pool and try to get to know > about that guy." > > Shirley goes over to the other side and asks the guy > "Are you single?" > > "Yes, but I been in prison." > > "Why?" > > "I strangled my third wife." > > "What about your second wife?" > > "I got in a fight with her and she fell out the > window." > > "And your first wife?" > > "I shot her." > > Then Shirley calls to the other side to Sophie and > says > "Yoo hoo, he's single!" > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Two new additions to the periodic table of elements. > > Element Name: WOMAN > Symbol: WO > Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!) > > Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils > at > nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever > treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. > > Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. > Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, > platinum, > and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able > to > absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly > green when placed next to a better specimen. > > Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst > for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most > powerful > income reducing agent known. > > Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Element Name: MAN > Symbol: XY > Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) > > Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but > gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and > sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. > Due > to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct > electricity as easily as young samples. > > Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any > chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds > with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd > (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. > Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. > > Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. > Good > samples are able to produce large quantities on > command. > > Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly > decomposes and begins to smell. > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jun 11 01:39:44 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA01808 for ; Thu, 10 Jun 1999 22:57:56 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40342>; Thu, 10 Jun 1999 23:43:55 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 10 Jun 1999 23:59:09 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE10A9@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: More Humor! Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 23:59:07 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4549 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, June 10, 1999 2:53 PM To: Dave Athome; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: More Humor! An ambitious yuppie finally decides to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...at least till a hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. But for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Your were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, I made it out material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." "But, enough of that, where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No thank you, I can't take anymore coconut juice," he said. "It's not coconut juice," she replied, "I have a still. How about a pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fasted onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing; "you mean," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here too?" _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jun 15 05:24:23 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA06466 for ; Mon, 14 Jun 1999 22:53:30 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 14 Jun 1999 23:35:48 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 14 Jun 1999 23:54:40 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE10C5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Lone Ranger and Tonto Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 23:54:39 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2262 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Sunday, June 13, 1999 12:46 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Lone Ranger and Tonto Hey, now *this* is funny! **** > > >The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and > sat down to drink a > > >beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy > walked in and said > > >"Who owns the big white horse outside?" > > > > > >The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, > and said, "I > > do...Why?" > > > > > >The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I > just thought > > >you'd like to know that your horse is about dead > outside!" > > > > > >The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure > enough Silver was > > >ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone > Ranger got the horse > > >water and soon Silver was starting to feel a > little better. > > > > > >The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, > "Tonto, I want you to > > >run round Silver and see if you can create enough > of a breeze to make > > >him start to feel better." > > > > > >Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running > circles around > > >Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, > the Lone Ranger > > >returned to the bar to finish his drink. > > > > > >A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into > the bar and asks, > > >Who owns that big white horse outside?" > > > > > >The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, > what's wrong with > > >him this time?" > > > > > >The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... > > > > > >"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'." _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jun 15 05:24:25 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA07068 for ; Mon, 14 Jun 1999 22:57:50 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 14 Jun 1999 23:40:09 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 14 Jun 1999 23:59:04 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39CFE10C6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Thanks Suanne! Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 23:59:01 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2974 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Avenue > Waterloo, IA 50701 > Phone (319) 232-1700, I.T. Dept. > Fax (319) 232-3575 > Email Nathan.Fisher@TeleThinking.com -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, June 14, 1999 10:40 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Thanks Suanne! > > There was this little boy about 12 years old walking > down the > sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened > frog on a string > behind > it, > when he comes up to the doorstep of house of ill > repute. > He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer > it, saw > him and > asked what he wanted. He said he wanted what she > was > selling inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't > leaving until he > got it. > She thought she would have some fun with him, so she > told him to > come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick one > of the girls he > liked; he > asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and > of course the > madam > said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men > were talking about > having > to > go to the hospital and get shots after making love > with Mable, and > THAT > was the girl he wanted, and that he had the money to > pay for it. > The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the > first room on the > right. So he headed down the hall dragging the > frog behind him. > Ten > minutes later he came back down still dragging the > frog. He paid > the madam, > and picked up his > wagon and headed out the door, at which time the > madam stopped > him and > asked him just why he picked the only girl she had > in the place with > a disease, instead of one of the others. He said: > "Well, if you must > know, > tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to > a restaurant > to eat, > leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they > leave, I'm going > to screw > the baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute > little boys, and > give her the disease that I just caught. When mom > and dad get > back, dad > will > take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll > jump her bones, > and he'll > catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to > bed, they'll > make love, > and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes > to work, the > milkman > will > deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with > mom, and he'll catch > it, > and > HE'S the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my FROG... > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Jun 16 10:50:57 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA25123 for ; Tue, 15 Jun 1999 22:48:05 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 15 Jun 1999 23:30:24 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 15 Jun 1999 23:49:15 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFF8C@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: humor (The last one had me crying I laughed so hard!!!) Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 23:49:15 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3699 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, June 15, 1999 10:58 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: humor (The last one had me crying I laughed so hard!!!) > A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him > >back to her place for the night. > > > >When they arrived at her house, they went right > into > >her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled > >with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them > >all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on > top > >of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the > >bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of > smaller > >stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. > > > >Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her > and > >asked, "So ... how was I?" > > > >"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the > >bottom shelf. > > > ********************************************************** > > Talking Clock > > While proudly showing off his new apartment to > friends late one > night,the drunk owner led the way to his bedroom. > > "What's that big brass gong for ?" one of the guests > asked. > > "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. > > "How does it work ?" > > "Watch," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering > pound with a > hammer. > > Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall > screamed, "F**k > off, > asshole It's 2 am !" > > > ======= > A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he > wants chicks. > So, > he > goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he > has a rooster. > > The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great > rooster, named > Randy; > "he'll service every chicken you've got. No > problem." > > Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the > farmer decides > he'd > be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes > Randy home and > sets > him > down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, > "Randy, I want > you > to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens > to service here > and > you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a > good job. So, > take > your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a > chuckle. > > Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points > towards the > hen house > and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every > hen in > there > THREE > or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy > runs out of > the > hen > house and sees a flock of geese down by the > lake~WHAM~ He > gets all the > geese. Randy's up in the pig pen. He's in with the > cows. Randy is > jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer > is distraught, > worried that his expensive rooster won't even last > the day. > > Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the > next day to > find > Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. > Buzzards are > circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss > of such a > colorful > animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told > you to pace > yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look > what you've done > to > yourself." > > Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards > flying > overhead > and > say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer... > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Jun 16 10:50:58 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA11895 for ; Wed, 16 Jun 1999 08:01:43 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Wed, 16 Jun 1999 08:44:06 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 16 Jun 1999 09:03:01 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFA3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes for a dreary Wed. Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 09:03:00 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 878 > An officers response > > Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the > first tee and watches as it slices to the right and > disappears through an open window. Figuring that's > the > end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and > plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer > walks > up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a > golf > ball through a window back there?" > > Joe says, "Yes I did." > > "Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp > over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house > onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall > to > avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. > And > it's all because you sliced the ball." > > "Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can > do?" > > "Yes there is," the cop says. > > "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance > a > bit." > > From - Sat Jun 19 01:08:29 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA04244 for ; Fri, 18 Jun 1999 22:28:13 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Fri, 18 Jun 1999 23:10:34 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 18 Jun 1999 23:29:28 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFB5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Breasts Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 23:29:27 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1904 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, June 18, 1999 11:47 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Breasts > >A little breast humor for your amusement..... > >Breasts........ > >Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :) > > (o)(o) perfect breasts > > > > ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts > > > > (*)(*) high nipple breasts > > > > (@)(@) big nipple breasts > > > > oo a cups > > > > { O }{ O } d cups > > > > (oYo) wonder bra breasts > > > > ( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts > > > > (o)(O) lopsided breasts > > > > (Q)(O) pierced breasts > > > > (p)(p) hanging tassels breasts > > > > \o/\o/ Grandma's breasts > > > > ( - )( - ) flat against the shower > door breasts > > > > |o||o| android breasts > > > > ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts > > > > > > And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He > then asked the > > woman, > > > > "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" > > > > She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle > breast?" > > > > And so it was done, and it was good. > > > > Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that > third breast in her > > hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" > > > > And God created man. > > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat Jun 19 01:08:30 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA05283 for ; Fri, 18 Jun 1999 22:36:33 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 18 Jun 1999 23:18:55 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 18 Jun 1999 23:37:44 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFB6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Cat Haikus Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 23:37:31 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3779 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, June 18, 1999 2:04 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Cat Haikus > You never feed me > Perhaps I'll sleep on your face > That will sure show you. > > You must scratch me there! > Yes, above my tail! Behold, > elevator butt. > > I need a new toy. > Tail of black dog keeps good time. > Pounce! Good dog! Good dog! > > The rule for today > touch my tail, I shred your hand. > New rule tomorrow. > > In deep sleep hear sound. > Cat vomit hairball somewhere > will find in morning. > > Grace personified, > I leap into the window. > I meant to do that. > > Blur of motion, then- > silence, me, a paper bag. > What is so funny? > > The mighty hunter > Returns with gifts of plump birds - > Your foot just squashed one > > You're always typing. > Well, let's see you ignore my > sitting on your hands. > > My small cardboard box. > You cannot see me if I > can just hide my head. > > Terrible battle. > I fought for hours. Come and see! > What's a 'term paper'? > > Kitty likes plastic > Confuses for litter box > Don't leave tarp around > > Small brave carnivores > Kill pine cones and mosquitoes > Fear vacuum cleaner > > Want to trim my claws? > Don't even think about it! > My yelps will wake the dead. > > I want to be close > to you. Can I fit my head > inside your armpit? > > Wanna go outside. > Oh, no! Help! I got outside! > Let me back inside! > > Oh no! Big One > has been trapped by newspaper! > Cat to the rescue! > > Humans are so strange. > Mine lies still in bed, then screams! > My claws aren't that sharp..... > > Cats meow out of angst > "Thumbs! If we only had thumbs! > We could break so much!" > > Litter box not here > You must have moved it again > I'll go in the sink. > > The Big Ones snore now > Every room is dark and cold > Time for "Cup Hockey" > > We're almost equals > I purr to show I love you > Want to smell my butt? > ------------------------------------- > > I love my master; How do I > love thee? > Thus I perfume myself with The ways > are numberless as > This long-rotten squirrel. My hairs > on this rug. > > I lie belly-up My human > is home! > In the sunshine, happier than I am so > ecstatic I > You ever will be. Have made > a puddle. > > I sound the alarm! I hate my > collar- > Paper boy-come to kill us all- Look, > world, they strangle me! Ack! > Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! Ack! Ack! > Ack! Ack! Ack! > > I sound the alarm! Sleeping > here, my chin > Garbage man-come to kill us all- On your > foot-no greater bliss-well, > Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! Maybe > catching rats. > > Look in my eyes and Dig under > fence-why? > Deny it. No human could Because > it's there. Because it's > Love you as much I do. There. > Because it's there. > > The cat is not all I am your > best friend. > Bad-she fills the litter box Now, > always, and especially > With Tootsie Rolls. When you > are eating. > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Mon Jun 21 23:32:30 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA17946 for ; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 22:41:40 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:23:58 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:42:53 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFC1@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Humor v1.1 Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:42:50 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3813 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, June 21, 1999 9:08 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Humor v1.1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Two young engineers applied for a single position at > a > computer company. They both had the same > qualifications. In order to determine which > individual > to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by > the Department manager. > > Upon completion of the test, both men missed only > one > of the questions. The manager went to the first > applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, > but > we've decided to give the job to the other > applicant." > > "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 > questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. > > "We have based our decision not on the correct > answers, > but on the question you missed," said the Department > manager. > > "And just how would one incorrect answer be better > than > the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. > > "Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow > applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' > You > put down, 'Neither do I.'" > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Join PGA Tour! Get FREE Gear! > > A Man's Viewpoint of Marriage > > 1) The last fight we had was my fault. My wife > asked, > "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" > 2) In the beginning, God created earth and rested. > Then > God created man and rested. Then God created woman. > Since then, neither God nor man has rested. > 3) My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week > it > took four state troopers and a dog. > 4) What is the difference between a dog and a fox? > About 5 drinks. > 5) A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman > shopping > on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in > four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish > I > had your willpower," > 6) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two > Mother- > in-laws. > 7) Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some > parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until > he > marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, > son. > 8) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife > wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. > They > all said the same thing: "You can have mine." > 9) The most effective way to remember your wife's > birthday is to forget it once. > 10) How do most men define marriage? An expensive > way > to get laundry done for free. > 11) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men > would > go through life thinking they had no faults at all. > 12) If you want your wife to listen and pay > undivided > attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. > 13) Then there was a man who said, "I never knew > what > real happiness was until I got married; and then it > was > too late." > 14) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much > does it cost to get married?" And the father > replied, > "I don't know son, I'm still paying." > 15) The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in > one > day, I divorced her." > 16) Women will never be equal to men until they can > walk down the street with a bald head and a beer > gut, > and still think they are beautiful. > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Mon Jun 21 23:32:31 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA18137 for ; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 22:43:20 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:25:39 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:44:33 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFC2@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Remarks for Performance Reviews Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:44:31 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2632 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, June 21, 1999 9:29 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Remarks for Performance Reviews Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME. Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day? I'll have my people fuck you're people. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Mon Jun 21 23:32:31 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA18460 for ; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 22:46:10 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:28:34 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:47:30 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFC3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: More humor from afar... Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:47:28 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6381 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, June 21, 1999 9:39 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: More humor from afar... --- lynkk1633@acad.uni.edu wrote: > To: slufkin@yahoo.com > CC: > From: lynkk1633@acad.uni.edu > Subject: FW: THE DAILY JOKE POST! - Wed Jun 16 > 04:01:00 1999 > Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 16:34:08 -0800 > > > > --- Original Message --- > jokes@jokepost.COM Wrote on > Wed, 16 Jun 1999 09:12:24 -0400 (EDT) > ------------------ > THE DAILY JOKE POST! - Wed Jun 16 04:00:01 1999 > http://www.jokepost.com > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Get a FREE copy of your CREDIT REPORT > with 30 FREE days of the CreditCheck Monitoring > Service! > > In This Information Age, > This is the One FREE OFFER You Can Not Live Without. > > The CreditCheck Monitoring Service, will deliver to > you > a free copy of your Experian credit report on line. > > When Someone Has Inquired About Your Credit or if > Derogatory Information Has Been Placed on Your > Report, > You Will Know! Get your FREE online report NOW! > http://www.afreeplace.com/post/credit.htm > AOL Members href="http://www.afreeplace.com/post/credit.htm">Click > Here > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > GOOD-BAD-WORSSSSSE > > > Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. > Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. > Worse: Your daughter has them. > > Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. > Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. > Worse: You're in them. > > Good: Your husband understands fashion. > Bad: He's a crossdresser. > Worse: He looks better than you. > > Good: Your son's finally maturing. > Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. > Worse: So are you. > > Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your > daughter. > Bad: She keeps interrupting. > Worse: With corrections. > > Good: Your wife's not talking to you. > Bad: She wants a divorce. > Worse: She's a lawyer. > > Good: You came home for a quickie. > Bad: The postman had the same idea. > Worse: You have to wait. > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > The New Beetle is here. Its time to smile. Its time > to laugh. > > It's time to ask, what color do you dream in? > The New Beetle is a truly modern Volkswagen, with > a fully galvanized body and German engineered > suspension. > Isn't the world ready for that kind of car once > again? > http://www.afreeplace.com/post/beetle.htm OR > AOL Users, href="http://www.afreeplace.com/post/beetle.htm">Click > Here! > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > 20 Things to do at the Drive-Thru > > 1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, > using colorful expletives in ways which would > embarrass the patrons inside. > 2. Drive through backwards. > 3. Belch your order. > 4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with > transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- > takers > are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises > his/her volume. > 5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac. > 6. Walk through. > 7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have > to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak > English > and inquire as to why the order taker had such > difficulty understanding you. > 8. Repeat everything the order-taker says. > 9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may > I > take your order?") before they get a chance to take > yours. > 10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a > large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please". > 11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE > order, > then slip out of line and watch the fun as the > person > behind you is handed 40 bags of food. > 12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your > food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if > they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells. > 13. Drive through with a carload of naked people. > 14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order- > taker will think there is a problem with the speaker > and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive > at > the window, speak in the same garbled, > incomprehensible fashion. > 15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept > the food. > 16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order- > taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so > while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic > to > produce excruciating feedback of their own voice. > 17. One word: Flatulence! > 18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you > approach the window to pickup your order, have him > start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. > 19. If you are a male, have a female friend place > the > order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively > into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide > and > pull up to accept your order. See how many of the > order-takersfellow employees have been called over > to > the window to "check out the babe". > 20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane. > > > > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > WHEN FORWARDING, PLEASE KEEP THIS EMAIL INTACT. > > SUBSCRIBE / UNSUBSCRIBE: > http://jokepost.com/subscribe.html > ADVERTISING INFO: > Show your 5-7 line email ad to 50,000+ people! > Only $35-$85 send mailto:advertising@jokepost.com > JOKE SUBMISSIONS: > mailto:jokester@jokepost.com -or- > mailto:jokemaster@jokepost.com > COPYRIGHT INFO: > http://jokepost.com/copyright.html > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > THE DAILY JOKE POST! > Is brought to you by JOKEPOST.com! > http://www.jokepost.com > Your source for jokes on the internet. > > > ----- > Sent using MailStart.com ( > http://MailStart.Com/welcome.html ) > The FREE way to access your mailbox via any web > browser, anywhere! > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Jun 23 20:42:41 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA20976 for ; Tue, 22 Jun 1999 22:49:05 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Tue, 22 Jun 1999 23:31:17 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 22 Jun 1999 23:50:11 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFD3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: jokes (very nasty, thanks Dad!) Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 23:50:07 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4192 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, June 22, 1999 8:52 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall; klynk@forbin.com; slufkin@yahoo.com Subject: jokes (very nasty, thanks Dad!) > > One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up > to his wife and pinched > her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed > this up we could get rid > of your girdle." While this was on the edge of > intolerable, she thought, > and replied with silence. The next morning the man > woke his wife with a > pinch on the breast and said,"You know if you firmed > these up we could ge > rid of your bra."This was beyond a silent response, > so she rolled over and > grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place > she said, "You know if > you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, > the gardener, the pool > man and your brother. > > > One day little Susie went into her back yard and > found her dog Muffles > lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, > "Daddy Daddy why is > Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad > replied, "This way > Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven > easier." > The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up > to him and said, "Daddy, > Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her > father said, "Honey what > happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were > up in the air and she > was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and > if it wasn't for the > milkman holding her down she would have been a > gonner." > > > A depressed young woman was so desperate that she > decided to end her life > by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went > down to the docks, a > handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity > on her, and said, 'Look, > you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in > the morning, and if you > like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good > care of you and bring > you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his > arm around her shoulder > and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me > happy." The girl nodded > 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That > night, the sailor brought > her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, > every night he brought > her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they > made passionate love > until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine > search, she was discovered > by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the > Captain asked. 'I have an > arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. > 'He's taking me to > Europe, and he's screwing me.' 'He sure is, lady, > said the Captain. 'This > is the Staten Island Ferry.' > > q: what's the difference between eating pussy and > driving in the fog? > a: at least when you're eating pussy, you can see > the asshole in front of > you. > > A woman is drying herself after a shower when she > suddenly slips and lands > spread-legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to > stand up but she has > landed so hard her pussy has stuck to the floor, > creating such a vacuum > that she can't move. She calls out to her husband > for help. He tries with > all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. So > he goes next door and > gets his neighbor. > Both pull like oxen but she just won't move. She's > well and truly stuck to > the floor. Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we > just get a hammer and > break the floor tiles around her and lift her up > that way?" "Great idea", > says the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a > little to arouse her". > "Why?" asks the confused neighbor. > > "So I can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles are > cheaper in there." > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Jun 24 20:49:04 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA11520 for ; Wed, 23 Jun 1999 23:24:27 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:06:46 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:25:38 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFE9@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: House With Red Light Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:25:38 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1519 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, June 23, 1999 11:26 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: House With Red Light > > >A fellow passed a house with a little red light > burning in front, so he > > >stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and > nothing there but an > empty > >bare hallway, with two doors reading "Over 35" and > "Under 35". > > > >He decided to be truthful and entered the door that > said "Over 35". > > > >He found himself in another empty hallway, this one > with two doors that > read > >"Over 8 Inches" and "Under 8 Inches". > > > >Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 > Inches" door and found > himself > >in another empty hall, with two more doors reading > "Once A Night" and > "Over > >4 Times A Night". > > > >Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door > marked "Once A Night" > and > >found himself back out on the street. > > > >The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth > and you'll never get > >screwed".> > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Jun 24 20:49:04 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA11678 for ; Wed, 23 Jun 1999 23:25:51 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:08:11 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:27:00 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFEA@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Too Little, Too Late Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:26:58 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2475 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, June 23, 1999 11:37 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Too Little, Too Late > > TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE > > A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the > pearly > gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to > merit > entrance into Heaven?" > > The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, > I gave > a quarter to a homeless person on the street." > > Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the > record, > and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was > true. > > Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not > really > quite enough to get you into Heaven." > > The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three > years ago > I also gave a homeless person a quarter." > > Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment > nodded > back, affirming this, too, had been verified. > > Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what > do you > suggest we do with this fellow?" > > Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said > to > Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and > tell > him to go to Hell." > > > ITALIAN WEDDING > A band at an Italian wedding decided to take > requests. Nunzio walks > up and asks "Uh, do youse guys know da song > "Strangers in da Night"? > > The band leader says, "Sure we know that one." > > Nunzio says "Hey! dat's great! But I got just one > favor- could > youse play it in 5/4 time?" > > "Isn't it played in 4/4 time?" the band leader > asked. > > "Yeah, but dis here's a special occasion, know whut > I mean?" > > The band discusses amongst themselves, till the > leader turns and says > "I don't think we'll have any problems." > > Nunzio turns and yells out "Hey Uncle Vinnie! C'mon > up here and > sing!" > > Uncle Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins > the intro, and > then starts to sing, "Strangers in da fuckin' > night..." > > > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Jun 24 20:49:05 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA12580 for ; Wed, 23 Jun 1999 23:32:41 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:14:57 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:33:48 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFEC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Nothing is funnier than bodily functions! Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:33:47 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 9631 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, June 23, 1999 11:43 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Nothing is funnier than bodily functions! > >The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of > us experiences a > perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in > all respects. You sit > down expecting the worst, but what you get is a > smooth sliding, fartless > masterpiece that breaks the water with the > splashless grace of an expert > diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some > toilet tissue only to > find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you > feel that all is right > with the world and you are in perfect harmony with > it. > > > The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on > the dumper's > tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too > many beers. it could > have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get > is a sinister, > lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog > that could close a > bathroom for days. > > > >The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket > fuel when it leaves. The > chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush > feel like a heat > shield. > > > >The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed > like 2 feet of E13 > >telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around > the bowl, like a friendly > serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? > Where did it come from?" > you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. > > > >The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a > latrine is a hole in the > ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy > scouts and flies go to > dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole. > > > >The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of > dumps. It's as perfectly > formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with > intricacies that would make > da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. > You may even want to > break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit > too far. > > > >The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for > the toilet paper only to > discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic > begins coldly in your > throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone > would say "Where are the > curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too > cumbersome. Then you > must come to the same conclusion that every "empty > roll dumper" must > face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and > wriggle yourself to the > nearest full roll. > > > >The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its > way, it drops like a depth > charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl > water that washes your > bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now > you're wet and embarrassed. > Tip: Blot instead of wiping. > > > The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the > phone rings. What do you > do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save > the rest for later. > It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta > do. > > > The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and > childbirth have in > common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to > go through too > small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help. > > > The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors > from time to time. > This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The > open air, the > nature, and a good bush all contribute to the > peaceful ambiance that our > primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can > screw up this > harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a > patch of poison ivy. > > > The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply > too big to go > through the aperture provided by nature for the > purpose. You sit there, > thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it > isn't going to get > any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved > ones again. You > imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies > trying to hatch > monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve > the crisis before you > can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only > three things you can > do: > > > > 1.Scream > > 2.Call an Obstetrician > > 3.Hope like hell have enough > Vaseline to get you > through it. > > > The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Shit Happens" > really applies here in > a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita > makes contact with > your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the > next 72 hours you'd > be better off if you carried your own portable > toilet with you because > you will spend most of that time on the pot and the > rest of the time in > a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never > had a navy. > > > The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in > a state of sublime > peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy > gassy bursts that > break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in > the next stall hits > the floor like a combat veteran cradling his > umbrella like an M16...damn > commies. > > > The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming > on. Relatives, > friends and work mates are within earshot, so you > must employ some > clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you > are about to emit. > Timing is obviously very important here. At the > precise moment of > release, try the following sound effects: > > > > 1.Flush the toilet > > 2.Sing the first two stanzas > of your national > anthem > > 3.Drop a handful of quarters > on the floor > > > The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind > when you're in the > bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and > someone bursting in > to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent > this embarrassing > spectacle from taking place? One way is to > strategically place your foot > against the door. If you can't reach to do > this...hum loudly. > > > The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've > completed your dump, but > there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. > You're getting > impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, > you grip the seat > with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that > last little > stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging > like a canned peach > between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person > pounding impatiently > on the door has scissors. > > > The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to > flush, and the darn > thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep > down the pipe? Did > you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of > sight? Should you > wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. > Should you flush? > you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will > reappear and smile > at the next person who comes in. > > > The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know > which end of you to > put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit > down. Then a wave of > nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand > up and cramps > squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down > again...up down up > down. Don't you wish Mom were close by? > > > The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and > outdoor concert goers > will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My > best description > would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright > coffin". Its > claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go > in a paper cup. > > > The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord > created the earth, > the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't > create this dump, > because there is nothing biblical about it, you run > out of gas. That's > right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right > there at the end of > your barrel and refuses to go any further. You > grunt, you squeeze, you > wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. > You've only got two > choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back > up your intestine > and wait until next time. The other is to pretend > you're a proctologist > and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is > it?? > > > The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, > it doesn't seem to be > enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to > flush 25 times too. The > whole episode is consumer waste. > > > The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the > swirling motion of the > receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain > sides, scraping a > creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again > but the curlicue > hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice. > > > The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, > put yourself > together, wash your hands and are about to vacate > the bathroom when you > feel another dump coming. You have to return for a > curtain call. The > world's record is seven encores. > > > The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so > badly, you say > "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up > religion" you always get > through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in > desperation, because > a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget > the pain quickly. > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Jun 24 20:49:06 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA12788 for ; Wed, 23 Jun 1999 23:34:21 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:16:39 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:35:30 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010BFFED@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Manliness Assessment Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 00:35:29 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3517 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, June 23, 1999 11:47 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Manliness Assessment > >> > > MANLINESS ASSESSMENT: > >> > > > >> > > 1) In the company of females, intercourse > should be referred to as: > >> > > a. lovemaking > >> > > b. screwing > >> > > c. the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town > >> > > > >> > > 2) You should make love to a woman for the > first time only after > >>you've > >> > > both shared: > >> > > a. your views about what you expect from a > sexual relationship > >> > > b. your blood-test results > >> > > c. five tequila slammers > >> > > > >> > > 3) You time your orgasm so that: > >> > > a. your partner climaxes first > >> > > b. you both climax simultaneously > >> > > c. you don't miss Sports Center > >> > > > >> > > 4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the > kitchen floor is: > >> > > a. healthy, creative love-play > >> > > b. not the sort of thing your > wife/girlfriend would ever agree to > >> > > c. not the sort of thing your > wife/girlfriend need ever find out > >>about > >> > > > >> > > 5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman > you've just had sex > with > >> > is: > >> > > a. the best part of the experience > >> > > b. the second best part of the experience > >> > > c. $100 extra > >> > > > >> > > 6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five > pounds in the last > month. > >> > You > >> > > tell her that it is: > >> > > a. no concern of yours > >> > > b. not a problem, she can join your gym > >> > > c. a conservative estimate > >> > > > >> > > 7) You think today's sensitive, caring man > is: > >> > > a. a myth > >> > > b. an oxymoron > >> > > c. a moron > >> > > > >> > > 8) Foreplay is to sex as: > >> > > a. appetizer is to entree > >> > > b. primer is to paint > >> > > c. a line is to an amusement park ride > >> > > > >> > > 9) Which of the following are you most > likely to find yourself > saying > >> > at > >> > > the end of a relationship: > >> > > a. "I hope we can still be friends" > >> > > b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a > message at the beep" > >> > > c. "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU." > >> > > > >> > > 10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching > you masturbate: > >> > > a. probably needs a little more time before > she can cope with that > >>sort > >> > > of intimacy > >> > > b. is uptight and a waste of time > >> > > c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus > in the first place > >> > > > >> > > Evaluating the results: > >> > > > >> > > If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check > your pants to make sure > >> > you > >> > > really are a man. > >> > > If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check > into therapy; you're > >>more > >> > > than a little confused. > >> > > If you answered "c" more than 7 times, YOU > DA MAN, BABY! > > > > > >_______________________________________________________________ > >Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit > http://www.msn.com > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat Jun 26 02:05:39 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA24918 for ; Fri, 25 Jun 1999 23:00:08 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 25 Jun 1999 23:42:22 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 26 Jun 1999 00:01:16 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C000B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Arkansas Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 00:01:14 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1920 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, June 25, 1999 2:18 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall; klynk@forbin.com Subject: Arkansas > Redneck Jokes > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? > Nice tooth! > > --- > How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas > hotel? > When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta > leak in my sink" and > the person at the front desk says "go ahead." > > --- > How can you tell if a redneck is married? > There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his > pickup truck. > > --- > What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A > documentary. What do > they > call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and > Famous." > > --- > Research had been going on for many years as to the > invention of the > toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the > device, but wanted to > know and acknowledge the originating location. After > a very long and > exasperating study the researchers came to their > conclusion as to the > origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the > brush was invented in > West Virginia. Intrigued with the discovery, the > researchers were asked > by the media how they came to the conclusion. They > all agree it was > simple deduction, "If it was invented anywhere else, > it would have been > called a teethbrush." > > > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat Jun 26 02:05:39 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA24997 for ; Fri, 25 Jun 1999 23:00:57 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 25 Jun 1999 23:43:18 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 26 Jun 1999 00:02:04 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C000C@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: golf humor Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 00:02:00 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1988 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, June 25, 1999 2:20 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall; klynk@forbin.com Subject: golf humor --- Suanne Stultz wrote: > From: "Suanne Stultz" > Organization: ASI Computer Systems > To: slufkin@yahoo.com > Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 08:52:45 -0500 > Subject: golf humor > > > > > Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a > round of golf. > > > > > > > > > > The priest stepped up to the tee and took a > mighty swing. > > > > > > > > > > He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, > I missed." > > > > > > > > > > Sister Marie told him to watch his language. > At the next > > > > > > > > > > swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." > > > > > > > > > > "Father, I am not going to play with you if > you keep > > > > > > > > > > swearing." The priest promises to do better. > > > > > > > > > > At the next tee he misses again, usual > reply, "Shit, I > missed." > > > > > > > > > > Sister Marie is really mad now and says, > "Father, God is > > > > > > > > > > going to strike you dead if you keep > swearing like that." > > > > > > > > > > At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, > "Shit, I missed. > > > > > > > > > > "Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of > lighting which > strikes > > > Sister > > > > > > > > > > Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies > open up and a big > > booming > > > > > > > > > > voice says, "Shit, I missed." > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jun 29 21:26:10 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA07138 for ; Mon, 28 Jun 1999 22:27:57 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:10:15 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:29:09 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C0019@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Here's one for ya! Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:29:08 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1881 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, June 26, 1999 9:13 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall; klynk@forbin.com Subject: Here's one for ya! > > Three women who work in the same office notice that > their female boss > has started leaving work early every day, so one > day they decide that > after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. > After all, she never > calls or comes back, so how is she to know? > > The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She > does a little gardening, > watches a movie and then goes to bed early. > > The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick > workout at her health > club before meeting a dinner date. > > The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but > as she goes upstairs > she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She > quietly opens the door a > crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed > with HER BOSS! Ever so > gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her > house. > > The next day the brunette and redhead talk about > leaving early again, > but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave > early also, she > exclaims, > "NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!" > > John Baughman, Web Developer > Limelight Technologies/VantagePoint Network > 970.266.4658 d > 970.218.5295 c > 970.206.9446 h > 2075 Vermont Street > Fort Collins, Co. 80525 > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jun 29 21:26:13 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA07192 for ; Mon, 28 Jun 1999 22:28:33 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:10:43 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:29:34 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C001A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Here's one 2 Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:29:31 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1283 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Saturday, June 26, 1999 9:07 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Here's one 2 > A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. > > On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: > Italian suit, handsome, > great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they > both notice he > has a bad case of dandruff. > > The man gets off on the 5th floor. > > Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the > blonde and says, > "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." > > To which the blonde replies, "How do you give > Shoulders?" > > John Baughman, Web Developer > Limelight Technologies/VantagePoint Network > 970.266.4658 d > 970.218.5295 c > 970.206.9446 h > 2075 Vermont Street > Fort Collins, Co. 80525 > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 2 13:29:41 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA12101 for ; Thu, 1 Jul 1999 22:52:16 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40325>; Thu, 1 Jul 1999 23:34:38 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 1 Jul 1999 23:53:28 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C0066@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: Cheaper to Keep her... Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 23:53:26 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1306 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, July 01, 1999 9:05 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Cheaper to Keep her... > A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for > his daughter. "How much is > that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop > assistant. In a condescending > manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie > Goes to the Gym for > $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie > Goes Shopping for $19.95, > Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes > Nightclubbing for $19.95, > and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." > The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when > all the others are only > $19.95?" "That's obvious," the assistant states, > "Divorced Barbie comes > with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's > furniture..." _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 2 13:29:42 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA21440 for ; Thu, 1 Jul 1999 23:34:26 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Fri, 2 Jul 1999 00:16:48 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 2 Jul 1999 00:35:33 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C006C@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: cat Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 00:35:30 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="---- =_NextPart_000_01BEC422.CBAC6E40" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4511 This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. ------ =_NextPart_000_01BEC422.CBAC6E40 Content-Type: text/plain > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > > ------ =_NextPart_000_01BEC422.CBAC6E40 Content-Type: text/plain; name="CATBATH.TXT" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: attachment; filename="CATBATH.TXT" How To Bathe A Cat (Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called "From Paws to Tails." Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:) Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you: Cat Bathing As A Martial Art A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better. ------ =_NextPart_000_01BEC422.CBAC6E40-- From - Wed Jul 7 06:10:11 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA06579 for ; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 00:33:40 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:15:18 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:34:50 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C0083@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Men are cool... Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:34:48 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2679 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 1999 12:31 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Men are cool... >>DICTIONARY OF MEN'S SAYINGS & WHAT THEY MEAN>> "I'M GOING FISHING."..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING."..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making itlogical." "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR."...Absolutely nothing. It's a "conditioned response". "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."..."I have no idea how it works. "WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE."..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."..."Are you still talking?" "IT'S A REALLY GOOD MOVIE."..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women." "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."..."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "HEY I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT."..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"..."What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU."..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."..."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."..."No one will ever see us alive again. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Jul 7 06:10:11 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA06708 for ; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 00:34:54 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:16:33 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:36:02 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C0084@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: FW: You learn something new every day Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:36:00 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1854 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 1999 12:36 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: FW: You learn something new every day >We've all heard the phrase "you learn something new every day." Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year... In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,you're saying there is as much glucose in semen as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and *not* the back of your throat." _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Jul 7 06:10:12 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA08611 for ; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 00:56:55 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40325>; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:38:38 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:58:09 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C010C0088@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Call me Scolu Kenew Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 01:58:05 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3115 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 1999 8:04 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Call me Scolu Kenew > > >This is kinda fun to do. =) > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >How To Figure Out Your Star Wars Name: > >For your first name: > >1. First 3 letters of your 1st name > >2. First 2 letters of your last name > >For your last name: > >3. First 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name > >4. First 3 letters of the city you were born > > > >~*~Write your name and Star Wars name below and > pass > >it on! ~*~ > >Send it back to the person who sent it to you so > they > >can see your name > > > >1.) Kelly P. --- Kelpa Baspr > >2.) Andrew S. --- Andst Wamar > >3.) Jennifer R. --- Jenro Romi > >4.) Elizabeth C --- Elica Szeas > >5.) Aimee S. --- Aimsa Taarn > >6.) Marie C. --- March Lomet > >7.) Fred S. --- Freya Shdon > >8.) Brandi G. --- Bragri Griwal > >9.) barbara s --- Barst Habri > >10.) Nancy S. --- Nanst Halak > >11.) Tina D. --- Tindi Napan > >12.) Sarah H.--- Sarhe Wooma > >13.) Nick M. --- Nicma Saeto > >14.) Meaghan C.--- Meacu Dodev > >15.) Kimberly H. --- Kimho Habu > >16.) rebecca miller --- rebmil wehay > >17.) Alisha M. --- Alimo Catal > >18.) Theresa C. ---Theca Rebet > >19.) Jenna --- Jenfi Drna > >20.) Silas C. --- Silch Mabry > >21.) Erin F. --- Erifa Repho > >22.) Janell W. --- Janwo Fepho > >23.) Crystal King --- Cryki Kogar > >24.) Joel King --- Joeki Koliv > >25.) leah --- leahge shpho > >26.) Loren --- Lorpe Fapeo > >27.) Megan F. --- Megnd Frpeo > >28.) Justin Park --- Juspa Wopho > >29.) Jenny Allar --- Jenal Pidet > >30.) Lauren Orcutt --- Lauor Cariv > >31.) Mellisa Bowman --- Melbo Yosag > >32.) Heather Young-nichols --- Heayo Dusag > >33.) Mary Caffrey --- Marca Makin > >34.) Amy Harper---Amyha Panver > >35.) Vanessa Vanelli- Vanva Cotor > >36. Shanon Peters~~Shape Canew :) > >37. April Boner---- Aprbo JoAlb > >38. Patty Coar...the moron who did it wrong...if ya > >cant tell its > >tammy..hehe...anyway...it's Patco Galos > >39. Tammy Owsley- Tamow Alson > >40. Heather Owsley- Heaow Grson > >41. Sarah Owsley - Sarow Drson > >42. Veronica S. - Versm Masan (Hey I kinda like > that!) > >43. Meredith Mundy - Mermu DiColumbus > >44. Tiffany Silver - Tifsi Scpho > >45. Blake Silver - Blasi Dawat > >46. Dotti Silver - Dotsi Kuwat > >47. Kirsten Easter- Kirea Diwat > 48. Kendra L. - Kenly Hemar > >49. Scott Lufkin - Scolu Kenew > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Sat Jul 10 22:07:50 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA23751 for ; Fri, 9 Jul 1999 22:43:16 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 9 Jul 1999 23:24:55 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 9 Jul 1999 23:44:24 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C0118993A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: (Fwd) Our Hero Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1999 23:44:21 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1370 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, July 09, 1999 8:42 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: (Fwd) Our Hero > Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton > on a recent flight. > After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant > came around for > drink orders. The President asked for whiskey and > soda which was brought > and placed before him. > The attendant then asked the minister if he would > also like a drink. > The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather > be savagely > raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these > lips!" > The President then handed his drink back to the > attendant and said, > "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll > have the same thing > he's having." > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Mon Jul 12 23:17:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA07899 for ; Mon, 12 Jul 1999 22:57:51 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 12 Jul 1999 23:39:23 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 12 Jul 1999 23:58:49 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189948@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Classics... Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 23:58:47 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5601 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, July 12, 1999 12:16 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Classics... > A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and > has > gone all out caterer, band and a hired clown. > > Just before the party starts, two bums show up > looking > for a handout. > > Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them > that > they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out > back. > > Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. > > Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the > children > having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not > shown > up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is > stuck in traffic and will probably not make the > party > at all. > > The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully > tries > to entertain the children herself. She happens to > look > out the window and sees one of the bums doing > cart wheels across the lawn. > > She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, > does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She > speaks > to the other bum and says: "What your friend is > doing > is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a > thing. Do you think your friend would consider > repeating this performance for the children at the > party? I would pay him $50!" > > The other bum says: "Well, I don't know. Let me ask > him." > > He then turned to Willie and shouted: "Hey Willie! > For > $50, would you chop off another toe?" > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 100s of FREE Catalogs! Over 300 to choose from! > > Select your FREE catalogs by category, or simply > search > by entering a catalog name, product, or brand. > Quickly locate the catalogs that have the products > you want! > http://www.afreeplace.com/post/c rc.htm > OR > http://www.1freeplace.com/post/c rc.htm > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Square balls > > A little old lady entered the main branch of a large > downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. > She > told the teller that she wanted to open an account > to > make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. > Further, she said that since such a large sum was > involved, she would deal only with the president of > the > bank to make the necessary arrangements. > > The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it > was, > in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and > explained > the situation to the bank president, who agreed to > see > the woman. The teller escorted her to the presidents > office, and the president invited her to have a > seat, > which she accepted. > > She repeated her request to open an account. The > president said he would take care of it personally, > but > his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I > ask > how you happened to come into such a large sum of > cash?" > > "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." > > "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on > professional sports, or in casinos...?" > > "Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For > example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow > morning > your balls will be square." > > The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had > the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They > shook hands on it, and she promised to return at > nine > the next morning to follow up, and left. > > As the day wore on, the president found himself > frequently checking to make sure that all was in > order. > It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his > regular Tuesday afternoon golf match and went home > early. > > The next morning when he showered, he was actually > quite relieved to find that nothing had changed > drastically while he slept. He confidently headed > for > the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected > windfall that was about to become his. > > The little old lady showed up promptly at the > appointed > hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president > asked who he was, she replied that he was her > lawyer, > who she always brought along when payoffs involving > significant sums were involved. > > The president told her that sorry, she had lost that > particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing > rather > than incoming. She insisted on examining the > evidence > for herself, considering the amount at stake. He > deemed > it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so > he > stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. > She > proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any > abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed > that > her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his > head > against the wall. > > He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" > > She paused her inspection long enough to glance at > the > lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 > that > before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the > bank by the balls." > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Jul 15 12:15:03 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA03986 for ; Thu, 15 Jul 1999 07:38:53 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 15 Jul 1999 08:20:33 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 15 Jul 1999 08:40:00 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189966@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Things prison guards hate & Misc. Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 08:39:59 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3188 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 1999 10:12 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Things prison guards hate & Misc. (Maybe I will just put Mr. Scott McChesney in the CC field... ) > >>THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE ! > >>> > >>> Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for > lunch. > >>> Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive > them was 100% > >>steroids. > >>> Coming up with one too many during a head count. > >>> Having to break up a fight in the shower. > >>> Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two > inmates tie the knot. > >>> Recognizing the newest inmate as your > proctologist. > >>> The fact that inmates get more cable channels > than you do at home. > >>> Having a new neighbor move in next door who > looks wa-a-a-y to > >>familiar. > >>> Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex > killer. > >>> Finding a hole in your glove after completing a > body cavity search. > >>> Learning that your mother just announced her > engagement to # 93A44274 > >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~ > >>> Young man Murphy applied for an engineering > position at an Irish > >>> firm based in Dublin. An American applied for > the same job and > >>> both applicants having the same qualifications > were asked to take > >>> a test by the Department manager. > >>> > >>> Upon completion of the test both men only missed > one of the > >>> questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, > "Thank you for your > >>> interest, but we've decided to give the American > the job." > >>> > >>> Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We > both got 9 questions > >>> correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I > should get the > >>> job!" > >>> > >>> Manager: "We have made our decision not on the > correct answers, but > >>> on the question you missed." > >>> > >>> Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer > be better than > >>> the other?" > >>> > >>> Manager: "Simple. The American put down on > question #5, 'I don't > >>> know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'" > >>> ~~~~~~~~~` > >>> I answered the phone on my birthday to hear my > uncle singing "Happy > >>> Birthday." I thanked him and said, "It's a good > thing you got the > >>right > >>> number." > >>> Well, the first time I didn't," he confessed, > "but the woman I reached > >> > >>> told me I needed the practice." > >>> ~~~~~~~~~` > >>> A Blonde came home and found her house on fire, > she rushed > >>> to the house next door, and telephoned the fire > department > >>> and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on > fire!" > >>> "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get > there?" > >>> "Don't you guys still have those big red > trucks?" _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 16 06:29:08 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id FAA04397 for ; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 05:56:09 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:37:29 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q483A7>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:57:25 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189976@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Computers Jesus/Satan Jokes Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:57:22 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2154 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, July 15, 1999 11:53 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Computers Jesus/Satan Jokes > Jesus vs. Satan (anonym) > > Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument > about who managed > to get > the most out of his computer. This had been going on > for days and > God > was tired of hearing all the bickering. > > God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that > will run for > two > hours; then I will judge who does the better job". > > So down they sat at their keyboards and typed and > moused away. > > They did spreadsheets - they wrote reports - they > sent faxes - > they sent > out e-mail - they sent out e-mail with attachments - > they > downloaded - > they did some genealogy reports - they made cards - > they did > every known > job. > > But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, > lightning > flashed > across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains > came down hard. > And, of > course, the electricity went off. > > Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted > and raved, all > to no > avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, > the rains > stopped > and the electricity came back on. > > Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went > off. What am I > going > to do? What happened to Jesus' work?" > > Jesus just sat and smiled. > > Again, Satan asked about the work that Jesus had > done. As Jesus > turned > his computer back on, the screen glowed and when he > pushed print, > it was > all there. > > "How did he do it?" Satan asked. > > God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves". _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 16 06:29:08 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id FAA04439 for ; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 05:56:45 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:37:39 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q483A9>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:57:33 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189977@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:57:32 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2317 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, July 15, 1999 11:56 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: jokes > SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE > > > They don't sell tickets, they sell chances. > > All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold > out. > > Before the flight, the passengers get together and > elect a pilot. > > You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact > change. > > Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to > fasten > your Velcro. > > The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a > little > for gas. > > When they pull the steps away, the plane starts > rocking. > > The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows > off the runway. > > You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and > he > says, "Just once." > > No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing > before your eyes. > > You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be > let > off the plane. > > All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Top 10 Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble > > 10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am. > 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women > without bonnets. > > 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. > > 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!" > > 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." > > > 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to > rap." > > 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. > > > 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause > the > beard ain't listening." > > 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the > influence of cottage cheese." > > 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 16 06:29:09 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id FAA04507 for ; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 05:57:21 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:38:07 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q483A0>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:58:01 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189978@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Facts Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:58:00 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3215 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, July 15, 1999 12:04 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Facts These are pretty good. Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -Larry Miller You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis. -Conan O'Brien Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. -Tim Allen There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. -Tim Allen You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 16 06:29:09 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id FAA04511 for ; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 05:57:22 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:38:23 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q483BA>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:58:16 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189979@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: I love the last one! Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:58:14 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5165 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, July 15, 1999 1:05 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: I love the last one! > > > > > A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly > before > > > closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, > "Barbender, > > > barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The > bartender brought > > > her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. > > > > > > "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", > again the > > > bartender brought her a Martini. By this time > the lady is > > > leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. > She called, > > > "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me > heartburn." > > > > > > Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, > "Lady, I am > > > not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you > have been > > > drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and > finally, you > > > do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in > the ashtray > > > > > > > > > > > > A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him > he had only > > > 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife > and after > > > they both had a long cry over it, he asked her > if she would > > > have sex with him because he only had 24 hours > to live. > > > > > > "Of course Darling." she replied. And so they > have sex. > > > > > > Four hours later they are lying in bed and he > turns to her > > > again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours > to live, do > > > you think we could do it again?" > > > > > > Again she responds very sympathetically and > agrees to have > > > sex. > > > > > > Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep > from > > > exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and > asks her again, > > > "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, > how about > > > again for old times sake?" > > > > > > By this time she is getting a little annoyed, > but reluctantly > > > agrees. > > > > > > After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 > hours later, > > > he taps her on the shoulder again and says, > "Dear, I hate to > > > keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 > hours left > > > before I die, can we do it one more time?" > > > > > > Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on > her face and > > > says, "You know.. you don't have to get up in > the morning. > > > I do!!!" > > > > > > > > > A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, > I've got this > > > problem you see, only you've got to promise not > to laugh." > > > > > > The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, > that would be > > > thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years > of being a > > > doctor, I've never laughed at a patient." > > > > > > "OK then," says the man, and he drops his > trousers. The > > > doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest > penis he has > > > ever seen in his life. Unable to control > himself, he falls > > > about laughing on the floor. > > > > > > Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to > his feet and > > > wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," > he says to the > > > patient, "I don't know what came over me, I > won't let it > > > happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" > > > > > > The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, > "It's swollen." > > > > ______________________________________________________________________ > > In a city park stood two statues, one female and the > >other male. > > > >> These two statues faced each other for many > years. > > > >> Early one morning an angel appeared before > the statues > >and said, > > > >> "Since the two of you have been exemplary > statues and > >have brought > > > >> enjoyment to many people, I am giving you > your greatest > >wish. I hereby > > > >give > > > >> you > > > >> the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do > whatever > >you desire." > >And > > > >> with that command, the statues came to life. > > > >> > > > >> The two statues smiled at each other, ran > toward some > >nearby woods > > > >> and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel > smiled to > >himself as he > > > >> listened to the two statues giggling, bushes > rustling > >and twigs > > > >> snapping. > > > >> > > > >> After fifteen minutes, the two statues > emerged from the > >bushes, > > > >> satisfied and smiling. > > > >> > > > >> Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and > asked the > >statues, "You > > > >> still have fifteen minutes. Would you like > to > >continue?" > > > >> > > > >> The male statue looked at the female and > asked, "Do you > >want to do it > > > >> again?" Smiling, the female statue said, > "Sure. But > >this time YOU > > > >> hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's > head! > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 16 23:10:08 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA27786 for ; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 22:44:01 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 23:25:18 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q4830A>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 23:45:11 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189983@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Finally! Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 23:45:09 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3161 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, July 16, 1999 10:31 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Finally! THIS IS FOR MEN THAT ARE TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES! 1)How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you. 2)Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman? Because women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. 3)Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. 4)How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." 5)How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven. 6)Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women never shut up long enough to build up pressure. 7)If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in. 8)All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. 9)What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. 10)What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. 11)Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. 12)Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called wedding cake. 13)Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said dust. 14)In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, niether God nor man has rested. 15)Why do men die before their wives? They want to. 16)What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. 17)A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." 18)Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws. 19)A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife Wanted. " The next day he received hundred of letters. They all said the same thing. 'You can have mine.' " 20)The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 21)Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 16 23:10:09 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA28380 for ; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 22:49:50 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 23:31:03 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q4830B>; Fri, 16 Jul 1999 23:50:53 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189984@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: More Jokes for Y'all! Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 23:50:51 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5118 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, July 16, 1999 10:30 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: More Jokes for Y'all! > Redneck Etiquette - Redneck Driving Etiquette > > Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even > if > the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. > > When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with > the > largest tires always has the right of way. > > Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. > > When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, > it > is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. > > Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, > especially when driving. > > Do not remove the seats from the car so that all > your > kids can fit in. > > Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral > procession. > > - Redneck Personal Hygiene > > Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never > be > a hand-me-down item. > > If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change > the > sheets. > > While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a > job > that should be done in private using one's OWN truck > keys. > > Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. > A > cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can > accomplish the same goal and save hours. > > Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water > handy > when using this method. > > - Redneck Dining Out > > Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. > After all, their mobile home costs just as much as > yours. > > - Redneck Entertaining in Your Home > > A centerpiece for the table should never be anything > prepared by a taxidermist. > > Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no > matter how good his manners are. > > If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have > the > decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. > > - Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) > > Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on > the first date. > > Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: > "I've > been wanting to go out with you since I read that > stuff > on the men's bathroom wall two years a go." > > If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a > bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are > good that the date will end in frustration. > > - Redneck Theater Etiquette > > Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and > picked > up immediately after the movie has ended. > > Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. > Tests > have proven they can't hear you. > > - Redneck Wedding Etiquette > > Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding > gift. > > Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a > wedding. > > When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter > how > hot it is. > > A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost > effective but also a proven fly deterrent. > > For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit > with > a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a > natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to > socks and shoes for this special occasion. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY > EXAM > > NAME: __________________GANG: __________________ > > 1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he > misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each > driveby shooting,how many driveby shootings can he > attend before he has to reload? > > 2. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price > is > $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have > to > turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack > habit? > > 3. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to > make > 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he > need? > > 4. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a > Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's > and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal > to > make $800? > > 5. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He > got > $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife is > spending $100 per month, how much money will be left > when he gets out of prison and how many years will > he > get for killing the witch that spent his money? > > 6. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are > 27 > girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in > the > gang has Hector knocked up? > > 7. If the average spray can covers 22 feet and the > average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters > can a > tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jul 20 01:56:45 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA22968 for ; Mon, 19 Jul 1999 23:34:39 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:15:50 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q48QRY>; Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:35:44 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189990@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Good Joke... Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:35:41 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1306 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, July 19, 1999 11:42 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Good Joke... > A lawyer is reading aloud the will of a rich man to > the people > mentioned in that will: "To you, my loving wife > Rose, who stood by > me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the > house and > $2 million." > > The lawyer continues: "To my daughter Jessica, who > looked after me > in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the > yacht, the > business, and $1 million." > > "And to my cousin Dan," the lawyer concludes, "who > hated me, argued > with me, and swore I'd never mention him in my will, > you were > wrong. Hell-ooo, Dan!" > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jul 20 01:56:46 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA23273 for ; Mon, 19 Jul 1999 23:37:19 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:18:35 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <30Q48QRZ>; Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:38:23 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01189991@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Jocks versus Nerds. Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:38:21 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2458 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, July 19, 1999 1:07 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Jocks versus Nerds. "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Finally, we have the answer: Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of "Friends". If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However.....if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. GAME OVER. NERD WINS. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Fri Jul 23 04:26:12 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id HAA19091 for ; Thu, 22 Jul 1999 07:46:51 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 22 Jul 1999 08:28:03 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 22 Jul 1999 08:47:50 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C011899BC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Thing of the Day Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 08:47:49 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6713 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: John Osmanski Sent: Thursday, July 22, 1999 7:41 AM To: Nathan Fisher; Scott Lufkin Subject: FW: Thing of the Day -----Original Message----- From: Thomas E Weatherly [mailto:stormer6@juno.com] Sent: Wednesday, July 21, 1999 12:46 PM To: shanebrown@hotmail.com Cc: sporac@hotmail.com; Disgusto_grande@hotmail.com; Doomed_to_die@hotmail.com; _eugen_@yahoo.com; one_Stranger@hotmail.com; james_dunning@hotmail.com; truemidge@hotmail.com; farrc@clds.net; talisariande@hotmail.com; col_chuck@hotmail.com; Karen@lonekeep.com; richard@lonekeep.com; mckeownp@hotmail.com; stmilnes@nextdim.com; cougar164@juno.com; John.Osmanski@telethinking.com; MystOne@aol.com; Btheis@juno.com; cgvang@iamdigex.net Subject: Thing of the Day Bad Day Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain doomed. If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths: A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed. From - Sat Jul 24 00:49:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA09907 for ; Fri, 23 Jul 1999 23:47:34 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Sat, 24 Jul 1999 00:28:53 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 24 Jul 1999 00:48:48 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C011899CD@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Funny things that kids say Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 00:48:44 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3820 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, July 23, 1999 10:38 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Funny things that kids say > > One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a > mother > was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about > to turn > off the light when he asked with a tremor in his > voice, > "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother > smiled > and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she > said. > "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence > was broken > at last by his shakey little voice: "The big sissy." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > - - - - - > > Two little boys were in beds in the same room at the > hospital. > The first one leans over and asks, "What are you in > here for?" > > The second boy said, "I'm here to get my tonsils out > and I'm a > little nervous." The first boy says, "You've got > nothing to > worry about; I had that done to me once. They put > you to sleep > and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O > and ice cream. > It's a piece of cake." The the second one asked, > "What are you > in here for?", to which #1 responds, "Well, I'm here > for a circumcision." > The 2nd boy says, "Whoa! I had that done when > I was born and I couldn't walk for a year." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church > for the > first time. The church lights were lowered, and then > the choir > came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All > was quiet > until the little one started to sing in a loud > voice, "Happy > birthday to you, happy birthday to you,........." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he > had learned > in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us > how God sent > Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead > the > Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red > Sea, he > had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all > the people > walked across safely. The he used his walkie-talkie > to radio > headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent > in bombers > to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were > saved." > "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught > you?" his > mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the > way the > teacher did, you'd never believe it." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > A child came home from Sunday School and told his > mother that > he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear > named Gladly. > It took his mother a week before she realized that > the hymn > was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear". > -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > It was that time during the Sunday morning service > for "the > childrens sermon", and all the children were invited > to come > forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly > pretty > dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leans over > and says to > her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter > dress?" > The little girl replies, directly into the pastor's > clip-on > microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to > iron." > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Mon Jul 26 23:35:06 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA13042 for ; Mon, 26 Jul 1999 22:53:49 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 26 Jul 1999 23:34:52 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 26 Jul 1999 23:54:44 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C011899DA@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Monday Humor... Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999 23:54:41 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2184 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, July 26, 1999 8:19 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Monday Humor... Tips for Managers and Bosses TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a 'rush job,' run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Jul 27 23:28:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA27302 for ; Tue, 27 Jul 1999 23:13:29 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 27 Jul 1999 23:54:40 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 28 Jul 1999 00:14:30 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C011899EC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: good iowa joke (that is true!) Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1999 00:14:29 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2112 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, July 27, 1999 9:06 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: good iowa joke (that is true!) You might be an Iowan if . . . . * You measure distance in minutes * Weather is 80% of you conversation * Down south to you means Missouri * Snow tires are standard on your car * You have no concept of public transportation * 75% of your high school graduation class went to the U of Iowa * You know more than one person that has hit a deer * You have no problem spelling "Des Moines" * You know the answer to the question, "Is this Heaven?" * Your school classes were canceled because of the cold * You know what the numbers I-80, 280, 380 mean * You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly * You've licked frozen metal * the only reason you go to Missouri is to get fireworks * You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees out in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees * You have gone trick or treating in two feet of snow * You carry jumper cables in your car * You drink "pop" * In a conversation, you hear someone say "yah sure you betcha? or "no, I never" or "not once ever even" and you don't laugh * You know exactly where "Field of Dreams" was filmed * People from other states love to hear you say "Iowa" and words with Os in them * You know what Hawks and Clones are When someone says they are going out to dinner or supper, you know which meal they are talking about . _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Thu Jul 29 21:02:04 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id VAA28223 for ; Wed, 28 Jul 1999 21:13:45 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 28 Jul 1999 21:54:55 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 28 Jul 1999 22:14:43 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C011899FA@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Something to offend damn near everybody. Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1999 22:14:39 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3106 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, July 28, 1999 10:09 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Something to offend damn near everybody. > >> > > ================ > >> > > Where does an Irish family go on vacation? > >> > > A different bar. > >> > > ===================== > >> > > Did you hear about the Chinese couple that > had a retarded baby? > >> > > They named him Sum Ting Wong. > >> > > ==================== > >> > > What would you call it when an > >> > > Italian has one arm shorter than the other? > >> > > A speech impediment. > >> > > ==================== > >> > > What does it mean when the flag at the Post > Office is > >> > > flying at half mast? > >> > > They're hiring. > >> > > ==================== > >> > > What do toilets, a G spot, and an anniversary > have in common? > >> > > Men miss them all. > >> > > ==================== > >> > > Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star > Trek? > >> > > Because they're not going to work in the > future, either. > >> > > ===================== > >> > > Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? > >> > > He walks around saying, "Yo" > >> > > ======================== > >> > > What do you call an Alabama farmer with a > sheep under each arm? > >> > > A pimp. > >> > > =================== > >> > > Why do drivers education classes in Redneck > schools use the car only > >> > > on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? > >> > > Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed > class uses it. > >> > > =================== > >> > > What's the difference between a southern zoo > and a northern zoo? > >> > > A southern zoo has a description of the > animal on the front of the > >> > > cage, along with a recipe. > >> > > =================== > >> > > How do you get a sweet little > >> > > 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? > >> > > Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to > yell *BINGO*! > >> > > ==================== > >> > > What's the Cuban national anthem? > >> > > "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" > >> > > ==================== > >> > > What's the difference between a northern > fairytale and a southern > >> > > fairytale? > >> > > A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a > time..." A southern > >fairytale > >> > > begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this > shit... > >> > > > >> > > > >*********************************************************************** *** > > "The early bird may get the worm, but the second > mouse gets the cheese > > > > _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Tue Aug 3 09:49:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA02972 for ; Mon, 2 Aug 1999 23:10:58 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Mon, 2 Aug 1999 23:52:06 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 3 Aug 1999 00:11:55 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287B36@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: A cat diary Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 00:11:54 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2976 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Monday, August 02, 1999 12:58 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: A cat diary Day 752...My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Day 761...Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. Day 762...Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. Day 765...Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was..Hmmmm. Not working according to plan... Day 768...I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Day 771...There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage... Day 774...I am convinced the other captives are lunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. -------------------- _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Tue Aug 3 23:47:51 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA19741 for ; Tue, 3 Aug 1999 23:17:29 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Tue, 3 Aug 1999 23:58:41 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 4 Aug 1999 00:18:23 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287B47@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: The human race Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 00:18:22 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3221 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 1999 12:38 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: The human race What!? NOOOOO!!!!!! --- Nlynk@aol.com wrote: > From: Nlynk@aol.com > Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 22:19:05 EDT > Subject: The human race > To: Dale_K_Morris@amat.com, slufkin@yahoo.com > > Scott, > > The last one is for you. Gotta love it! > > Nicole > > Actual label instructions on consumer goods: > > > > > >On Sears hairdryer: > > >Do no use while sleeping. > > >(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my > hair!) > > > > > >On a bag of Fritos: > > >You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. > Details inside. > > >(The shoplifter special!) > > > > > >On a bar of Dial soap: > > >Directions: Use like regular soap. > > >(and that would be how?) > > > > > >On some Swann frozen dinners: > > >Serving suggestion: Defrost. > > >(But it's just a suggestion!) > > > > > >On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: > > >Fits one head. > > >(The big one or the little one?) > > > > > >On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the > bottom of the box) > > >Do not turn upside down. > > >(Too late! You lose!) > > > > > >On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: > > >Product will be hot after heating. > > >(Are you sure? Let's experiment.) > > > > > >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: > > >Do not iron clothes on body. > > >(But wouldn't that save more time?) > > >(Whose body?) > > > > > >On Boot's children's cough medicine: > > >Do not drive car or operate machinery. > > >(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of > construction accidents if we > >just > > >kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) > > > > > >On Nytol sleep aid: > > >Warning: may cause drowsiness. > > >(One would hope!) > > > > > >On a Korean kitchen knife: > > >Warning: keep out of children. > > >(Or pets! What's for dinner?) > > > > > >On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: > > >For indoor or outdoor use only. > > >(As opposed to use in outer space.) > > > > > >On a Japanese food processor: > > >Not to be used for the other use. > > >(Now I'm curious.) > > > > > >On Sainsbury's peanuts: > > >Warning: contains nuts. > > >(But no peas?) > > > > > >On an American Airlines packet of nuts: > > >Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. > > >(have a lobotomy) > > > > > >On a Swedish chainsaw: > > >Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or > genitals. > > >(What is this, a home castration kit?) > > > > > >On a child's Superman costume: > > >Wearing of the garment does not enable you to > fly. > > >(That's right, destroy a universal childhood > fantasy!) > > > > > > _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Thu Aug 5 03:32:40 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA22050 for ; Wed, 4 Aug 1999 23:29:19 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40327>; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:10:29 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:30:13 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287B56@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Clever one I had never heard... Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:30:11 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2522 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 1999 12:42 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Clever one I had never heard... > > An American soldier, serving in World War II, > had just returned from > >several weeks of intense action on the German front > lines. He had finally > >been granted R & R and was on a train bound for > London. The train was > very > >crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the > train, looking for an > empty > >seat. > > The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent > to a well-dressed > >middle-aged lady and was being used by her little > dog. The war weary > >soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that > seat?" > > The English woman looked down her nose at the > soldier, sniffed and > said, > >"You Americans. You are such a rude class of > people. Can't you see my > >little Fifi is using that seat?" > > The soldier walked away, determined to find a > place to rest, but after > >another trip down to the end of the train, found > himself again facing the > >woman with the dog. > > Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit > there? I'm very tired." > The > >English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You > Americans! Not only are > >you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" > > The soldier didn't say anything else' he leaned > over, picked up the > >little dog, tossed it out the window of the train > and sat down in the > empty > >seat. > > The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded > that someone defend her > and > >chastise the soldier. > > An English gentleman sitting across the aisle > spot up, "You know, sir, > >you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing > the wrong thing. You > eat > >holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your > autos on the wrong > side > >of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong > bitch out the window." _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Thu Aug 5 03:32:40 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA22205 for ; Wed, 4 Aug 1999 23:30:39 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40327>; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:12:00 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:31:43 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287B57@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: this first one took my totally by surprise! :) Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:31:42 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3573 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 1999 12:49 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: this first one took my totally by surprise! :) > Pierre, a brave French Fighter Pilot, takes his > girlfriend, Marie, out > for a > pleasant little picnic by the river. It's a > beautiful day and love is in > the > air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, > kiss me!" Our hero > grabs > a bottle of Merlot, and splashes it on Marie's > lips. "What are you > doing?" > asks the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the world's > greatest fighter > pilot! > When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"She > smiles, and they > start > kissing. When things begin to heat up a little, > Marie says "Pierre, > kiss me > lower!" > Our hero grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts > pouring it over her > chest. > "Pierre? What are you doing?" asks the shocked > Marie. "I am Pierre, > world's > greatest fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I > like to have white > wine!" > They resume their passionate interlude and things > really steam up. Marie > leans over and whispers "Pierre, kiss me lower!" > Our hero rips off her > underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on > her lap. Marie > smiles. > Pierre strikes a match, and lights the Cognac on > fire. Marie shrieks and > dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie > throws her arms up in > the > air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE > HELL DO YOU THINK YOU > ARE > DOING???" > Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am > Pierre, worlds greatest > fighter > pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!" > > > > > > << Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior > to her > acceptance Juanita had to confess to her man > about > her childhood illness. She informed Mark that > she suffered > a disease that left her breast size equivalent > to that of a > 12 year old. > > He stated that it was OK because he loved her so > much. > However, Mark felt this was also the time for > him to open > up and admit that he also had a deformity too. > Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I > too had a > problem. My penis is the same size as an infant > and I hope > you could deal with that once we are married." > She said "yes I would marry you and learn to > live with your > infant size penis." > > Juanita and Mark got married and they could not > wait for > the Honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to > their hotel suite > and they started touching, teasing, holding one > another... > > As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she > started > screaming and quickly ran out of the room. > Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong. > She stated to Mark, "you told me your penis was > the size > of an infant!" > Mark said, yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces > and 19" long!! > >> _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Thu Aug 5 03:32:41 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA22435 for ; Wed, 4 Aug 1999 23:32:39 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40327>; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:13:55 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:33:46 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287B58@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Beer Biceps!! Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:33:43 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3318 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 1999 12:58 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Beer Biceps!! > If Men TRULY Ran The World > -------------------- > 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the > butt and a "Nice > hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much > do it. > > 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. > > 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th > so it would only > occur in leap years. > > 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd > get the day off to > go drinking. Mother's Day too. > > 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly > the same. But it > would be celebrated every month. > > 6. Garbage would take itself out. > > 7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement > mixer and pushed > off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative > pay-per-view event > in world history. > > 8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" > would "Monday Night > Football from a Different Camera Angle". > > 9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". > > 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. > > 11. Two words... "Ally McNaked". > > 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck > answer you responded > with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: > "You know how fast you > were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my > beer all > over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off". > > 13. People would never talk about how fresh they > felt. > > 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style > again. > > 15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail > Free cards per year. > > 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of > conversation. > > 17. The victors in any athletic competition would > get to kill and eat > the losers. > > 18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, > as long as you > returned it the following day with a full tank of > gas. > > 19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, > you could present > your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said > "You're #1!". > > 20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to > you during the game, > she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the > screen during a > time-out. > > 21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be > deemed as an acceptable > response to "I love you". > > 22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be > CEO. > > 23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", > would be an > acceptable excuse for tardiness. > > 24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow > and you would jump > out of your window and slide down the tail of a > brontosaurus and right > into your car. > > _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Thu Aug 5 03:32:42 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA22551 for ; Wed, 4 Aug 1999 23:33:19 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40328>; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:14:31 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:34:22 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287B59@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: PROFESSOR Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 00:34:21 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1351 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 1999 12:54 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: PROFESSOR > > > The Dirty Professor > > > > There was an old professor who started every class > with a vulgar joke. > > After one particularly nasty example, the women in > the class decided > > to walk out the next time he started. > > > > The professor got wind of this plot, so the next > morning he walked in > > and said: > > > > "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about > the shortage of > > whores in India?" > > > > With that, all the women stood up and headed for > the door. > > > > "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat > doesn't leave until > > tomorrow!" > > > > _____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com From - Thu Aug 12 03:57:42 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA07921 for ; Wed, 11 Aug 1999 23:16:14 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 11 Aug 1999 23:57:28 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 12 Aug 1999 00:17:15 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287B9A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Definitions by gender Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 00:17:11 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2695 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 1999 2:54 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Definitions by gender > > >DEFINITIONS BY GENDER > > > > > > THINGY (thing-ee) n. > > > female: Any part under a car's hood. > > > male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. > > > > > > VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. > > > female: Fully opening up one's self > emotionally to another. > > > male: Playing football without a helmet. > > > > > > COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. > > > female: The open sharing of thoughts and > feelings with one's > > partner. > > > male: Scratching out a note before > suddenly taking off for a > > > weekend with the boys. > > > > > > BUTT (but) n. > > > female: The body part that every item of > clothing manufactured > > makes "look bigger." > > > male: what you slap when someone's scored > a touchdown, > > homerun,or goal. Also good for mooning. > > > > > > COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. > > > female: A desire to get married and raise a > family. > > > male: Not trying to pick up other women > while out with one's > > girlfriend. > > > > > > ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. > > > female: A good movie, concert, play or book. > > > male: Anything that can be done while > drinking. > > > > > > FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. > > > female: An embarrassing by-product of > digestion. > > > male: An endless source of entertainment, > self-expression > > and male bonding. > > > > > > MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. > > > female: The greatest expression of intimacy > a couple can > > achieve. > > > male: Call it whatever you want just as > long as we end up in > > bed. > > > > > > REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. > > > female: A device for changing one TV channel > to another. > > > male: A device for scanning through all 75 > channels every > > three minutes. > > > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Wed Aug 18 01:23:36 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA07209 for ; Tue, 17 Aug 1999 22:56:24 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 17 Aug 1999 23:37:37 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 17 Aug 1999 23:57:19 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01287BBC@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Joke1 Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 23:57:17 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1121 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, August 17, 1999 1:54 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Jay Godbey; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Dave Pierschbacher; Chris Pletz; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Scott Westphall Subject: Joke1 > A carrot was talking to a pickle and a dick. The > carrot says I have a hard > life, people buy me and shave me and eat me. The > pickle said oh yeah, I > used to be a cucumber and they cooked me and > flavored me and I can get > eaten too! Oh yeah, says the dick, well a get a > plastic bag over my head > everyday and then they makes me do pushups till I > barf. > > _________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com From - Tue Aug 31 01:00:17 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA21836 for ; Mon, 30 Aug 1999 23:49:15 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 31 Aug 1999 00:30:27 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 31 Aug 1999 00:50:11 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A84E9@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Evil Overlording for Dummies Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 00:50:09 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 13703 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Darrell DeGroote Sent: Monday, August 30, 1999 2:43 PM To: John Osmanski; Scott Lufkin; Nathan Fisher; John Rubenbauer; Angela Blackley Subject: FW: Evil Overlording for Dummies -----Original Message----- From: Tom Oetker [mailto:mistatom@hotmail.com] Sent: Saturday, August 14, 1999 9:42 AM To: Chuxman23@aol.com; LordCrocus@aol.com; lewke@hotmail.com; lorvig@hotmail.com; capital_g@excite.com Subject: Evil Overlording for Dummies Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord: 1.My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them. 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him. 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. 15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 24.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. 26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him. 33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. 34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. 36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 37. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. 38.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. 42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. 44. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. 45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. 46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards me in my old age. 51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. 55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. 57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 58. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen. 59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 60. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. 61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 64. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. 65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. 66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 68. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her. 69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 70. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached. _______________________________________________________________ Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit http://www.msn.com From - Fri Sep 3 05:10:37 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA02616 for ; Thu, 2 Sep 1999 23:10:05 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 2 Sep 1999 23:51:21 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 3 Sep 1999 00:11:04 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A8504@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Good Blond Joke (Aren't they all?) Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 00:11:00 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1252 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, September 02, 1999 8:07 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Good Blond Joke (Aren't they all?) > There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came > down from a > plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. > > They all decided that one person should get off > because if > they didn't then the rope would break and everyone > would die. > No one could decide who should go, so finally the > brunette > said, "I'll get off." > > After a really touching speech from the brunette > saying she > would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. > Problem > solved. > > > > > __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Fri Sep 3 05:10:37 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA03371 for ; Thu, 2 Sep 1999 23:15:55 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 2 Sep 1999 23:57:17 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 3 Sep 1999 00:17:04 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A8505@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: More Jokes (I have a lot to go through...) Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 00:17:03 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2020 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com] Sent: Thursday, September 02, 1999 9:19 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: More Jokes (I have a lot to go through...) > : Which sexual position produces the ugliest > children? > > > A: Ask your mom. > > > > > > Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's > restroom? > > > A: Say, "Nice dick." > > > > > > Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life? > > > A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be > friends." > > > > > > Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray > Cyrus and a yeast > >infection? > > > A: An itchy, twitchy twat. > > > > > > Q: Are birth control pills deductible? > > > A: Only if they don't work > > > > > > Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other > saggy boob? > > > A: If we don't get some support soon, people are > going to think we're > > > nuts. > > > > > > Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make > love? > > > A: Because they have cotton balls. > > > > > > Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a > Rooster? > > > A: A cock that stays up all night. > > > > > > Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have > Father's Day. What do single > > > > > guys > > > have? > > > A: Palm Sunday > > > > > > Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob? > > > A: The closer you get to discharge, the better > you feel. > > > > > > Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who > can still masturbate? > > > A: Miracle Whip > > __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Fri Sep 3 23:49:13 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA26243 for ; Fri, 3 Sep 1999 22:53:37 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Fri, 3 Sep 1999 23:34:53 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 3 Sep 1999 23:54:38 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A850B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Funnies I Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 23:54:35 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2726 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Friday, September 03, 1999 2:42 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Funnies I This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. =20 He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" "Your name never came up..." she replied. ------------------------------------------------------- An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. =20 As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely,"but you have to show your ticket, not your stub." ------------------------------------------------------- A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to take off. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no was they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and accelerated even more. The needle hit 90, 100..... Then the reality of the situation hit him.=20 "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.=20 "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. =20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Sep 15 00:06:28 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA24246 for ; Tue, 14 Sep 1999 22:45:32 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 14 Sep 1999 23:26:47 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 14 Sep 1999 23:46:29 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A855F@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Things that Guys Wish Women Understood! Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 23:46:26 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2566 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 1999 8:55 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Things that Guys Wish Women Understood! > Subject: Things that Guys Wish Women Understood! >=20 > 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.=20 > Don't ask us. >=20 > 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up... put > it down. >=20 > 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. >=20 > 4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live > with it. >=20 > 5. Get rid of your cat. >=20 > 6. Sunday =3D Sports. >=20 > 7. Anything you wear is fine. Really. >=20 > 8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses > lose their right to > complain about having their boobs stared at. >=20 > 9. You have too many shoes. >=20 > 10. Crying is blackmail. >=20 > 11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. >=20 > 12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. >=20 > 13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than > peeing from point blank > range. We're bound to miss sometimes. >=20 > 14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. >=20 > 15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a > problem. See a doctor. >=20 > 16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than > deceived. >=20 > 17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is > inadmissible in an argument. >=20 > 18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret > girls, don't expect us to > act like soap opera guys. >=20 > 19. If something we said can be interpreted two > ways, and one of the ways > makes you said and angry, we meant the other one. >=20 > 20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, > how can we know how > pretty you are? >=20 > 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie > to come out. >=20 > 22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us > how you want it > done---not both. >=20 > 23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and > neither do we. >=20 > 24. You have enough clothes. >=20 > 25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Sat Sep 18 07:29:11 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA22723 for ; Fri, 17 Sep 1999 23:32:29 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Sat, 18 Sep 1999 00:13:51 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 18 Sep 1999 00:33:33 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A8595@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Funny ha ha Date: Sat, 18 Sep 1999 00:33:31 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2159 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Friday, September 17, 1999 2:32 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; James Thilges; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Funny ha ha Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than > 200 adult voices? >=20 > Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just > when a storm hit, with > crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came > into my bedroom about 2 > a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, > Karen, apparently scared > by the loud storm. I resigned > myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. >=20 > The next day, I talked to the children, and > explained that it was O.K. to > sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I > was expected home, please > don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K. >=20 > After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and > the children picked me up > in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the > plane was late, everyone > had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's > arrival, along with > hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving > passengers. >=20 > As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and > came running shouting, > "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" >=20 > As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good > news?" >=20 > "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while > you were away this > time!" Alex shouted. >=20 > The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the > waiting area looked at > Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest > of the area to see if > they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Tue Sep 21 11:05:45 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA00587 for ; Mon, 20 Sep 1999 22:49:35 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 20 Sep 1999 23:30:46 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 20 Sep 1999 23:50:28 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A85A1@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Ow my side! Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 23:50:26 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3081 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, September 20, 1999 11:00 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne = Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Ow my side! SPECIAL THANKS TO DAVE!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW YOU WHINEY BITCH! =20 This was the funniest thing I have read this year. I am still unable to keep from grinning... > I just heard there's going to be an extra scene > included in the DVD release > of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! > ----------------------------------------------- > INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER: > A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER > is backing LUKE SKYWALKER > towards the end of the gantry. > A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It > goes spinning off into the > ventilation shaft. > Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes > there's nowhere to go but > straight down. > Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to > your father. > Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! > Darth Vader: No... I am your father! > Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible. > Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to > be true... > Luke: NO! > Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what > else? You know that > brass > droid of yours? > Luke: Threepio? > Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when > I was 7 years old... > Luke: No... > Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you > done? Look at yourself, no > hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own > ship out of the swamp... > Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star! > Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I > single-handedly > destroyed a > Trade Federation Droid Control ship! > Luke: Well, it's not my fault... > Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father > never gave me what > I > wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the > Dark Lord of the Sith > ... > waahhh wahhh!" > Luke: Shut up! > Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was > your age, I had > exterminated the Jedi knights! > Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's > Canyon... Darth Vader: Oh, > for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner > of the Boonta Eve > Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right > here baby! > Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.=20 > Darth Vader: I was > wrong... You're not my kid... You're not good enough > to be my kid. > Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then > plunges down the shaft. > Darth Vader looks after him. > Darth Vader: Get a haircut __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Sep 23 22:03:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA01246 for ; Wed, 22 Sep 1999 22:42:50 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 22 Sep 1999 23:24:07 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 22 Sep 1999 23:43:46 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A85AF@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: The Frozen Butt Story Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1999 23:43:43 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3128 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, September 22, 1999 9:23 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: The Frozen Butt Story > Freezing Butt >=20 > This was on the Leno show last night (9-7-99) >=20 > Jay went into the audience to find the most > embarrassing first date > that a woman ever had. The winner told about her > first date experience. > She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took > her skiing. It was a day > trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly > had never met before. >=20 > The date went OK until they were coming back that > afternoon. They were > going along in the car and she had to pee real bad, > but it was still about > an hour more back to civilization. He said she > should try to hold > it, and she did . . . for a while. It finally > came to the point where > she > told him that he could either stop and let her pee > beside the road, or in > the > front seat of his car. They stopped and she went > out beside the car and > pulled > her pants down and started. >=20 > Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she let > her butt rest against > the rear > fender to steady herself. He was a real gentleman > and looked the other > way. > When she was finished, she quickly noticed that her > warm butt had stuck to > the fender. > Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle nightmares > immediately came to > mind and she soon realized that she had a real > problem. She was thinking of > every way she could to get released from his fender. > He was getting a bit > concerned too, and finally cried out to her asking > if she was OK. >=20 > Well, with a red face, she said she was freezing her > butt off! She finally > had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the worst > of the story, there's > more to come. She took off her sweater and covered > herself as good as she > could and asked him to came around to see if he > could help. After the > laughter subsided, they assessed the situation.=20 > They had a real problem. > They agreed that they needed something warm to melt > her butt off of the > fender. Thinking about the pee that she just > sprinkled on the ground made > her think that pee is about the only thing that they > had that could get her > free. >=20 > Well, after exploring every other possible solution, > she looked the other > way, and so did he, and he proceeded to unzip his > pants, and pee her butt > off the fender. The rest of the trip home there > wasn't much conversation. >=20 > True story. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Sep 23 22:03:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA01330 for ; Wed, 22 Sep 1999 22:43:29 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 22 Sep 1999 23:24:52 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 22 Sep 1999 23:44:31 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C013A85B0@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: [IOWA BOYS] Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1999 23:44:30 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1736 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, September 22, 1999 9:34 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: [IOWA BOYS] Two Iowa boys are playing football when one of the boys is attacked bya rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists,breaking the dog's neck. A Des Moines Register reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Hawkeye Fan Saves Friend >From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Hawkeye fan," the little hero replies.=20 "Sorry, since we are in Iowa I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Iowa State Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he jots in his notebook."I'm not an Iowa State fan either," the boy responds. "I assumed everyone in the state of Iowa was either for the Hawkeyes or for Iowa State. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Nebraska Cornhusker fan." the boy says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet." __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:25 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA15836 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 22:33:08 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:14:18 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:33:53 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509082@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Words of wisdom Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:33:51 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2782 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Saturday, September 25, 1999 12:07 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Words of wisdom > > * Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do > not walk ahead of me, > > for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, > either. > > Just leave me the hell alone > > > > * The journey of a thousand miles begins with a > broken fan belt and a > > leaky tire. > > > > * It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're > going to steal the > > neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. > > > > * It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows > a lot. > > > > * Sex is like air; it's not important unless you > aren't getting any. > > > > * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things > get worse. > > > > * No one is listening until you make a mistake. > > > > * Always remember you're unique, just like > everyone else. > > > > * Never test the depth of the water with both > feet. > > > > * It may be that your sole purpose in life is > simply to serve as a > > warning to others. > > > > * It is far more impressive when others discover > your good qualities > > without your help. > > > > * If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try > missing a couple of > > car payments. > > > > * If you tell the truth you don't have to remember > anything. > > > > * If you lend someone $20, and never see that > person again; it was > > probably worth it. > > > > * If you haven't much education you must use your > brain. > > > > * You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the > strong. > > > > * Who gossips to you will gossip of you. > > > > * When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - > it's always a > >negative one. > > > > * When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit > close by and nuzzle > > them gently. The word listen contains the same > letters as the word=20 > silent. > > > > * The trouble with work is - it's so daily. > > > > * The difference between ordinary and > extraordinary is that little > > extra. > > > > * Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. > Check 3 friends, if > > they are OK, you're it. > > > > * Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is > optional. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:26 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA16007 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 22:34:07 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:15:31 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:35:11 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509083@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Winders98 Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:35:08 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2363 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Saturday, September 25, 1999 12:09 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Winders98=20 >>> > IMPORTANT MESSAGE ***>>> > >>> > It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Tennessee >>> > Edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped >>> > outside of the state.>>> > >>> > The Tennessee Edition may be recognized by looking at the >>> > opening screen.>>> > >>> > It reads 'WINDERS98' with a background picture of the Nashville >>> > skyline superimposed on the Tennessee flag and it is shipped witha >>> > Dolly>>> > Parton screen saver.>>> >>>> > NOTE: >>> > 1. 1 Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse" >>> > 2. 2 My Computer is called "This infernal Contraption" >>> > 3. 3 Dialup Networking is called "Good ol' Boys" >>> > 4. 4 Control Panel is known as the "Dashboard" >>> > 5. 5 Hard Drive is referred to as "wheel drive" >>> > 6. 6 Floppies are "Them Little Plastic Disc Thangs>>> > >>> > OTHER FEATURES:>>> > Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered >>> > with a garbage bag and duct tape.>>> >>>> > TERMINOLOGY: >>> > OK =3D 'ats awright>>> > Cancel =3D heck no>>> >=20 Reset =3D aw shoot >>> > Yes =3D shore>>> > No =3D naaaw>>> > Find =3D hunt ferrit >>> > Go to =3D over yonder>>> > Back =3D back yonder>>> > Help =3D hep >>> > Stop =3D ternit off>>> > Start =3D crank 'er up>>> > Settings =3D sittins >>> > Programs =3D stuff at does stuff>>> > Documents =3D stuff I done done>>> > >>> > Also note Winders98 does not recognize capital letters or >>> > punctuation marks. Spell check has been deactivated. We regretany >>> > inconvenience it may have caused you if you received a copy ofthe >>> > Tennessee>>> > Edition __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:26 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA16194 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 22:35:37 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:16:57 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:36:41 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509084@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: you know you're white trash... Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:36:40 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2649 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Saturday, September 25, 1999 12:13 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: you know you're white trash... > >> YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRASH WHEN... > >> > >> The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has > more teeth than your > spouse. > >> > >> You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at > the dinner table in front > >> of her kids. > >> > >> You've been married three times and still have > the same in-laws. > >> > >> You think a woman who is "out of your league" > bowls on a different night. > >> > >> Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired > People." > >> > >> You wonder how service stations keep their > restrooms so clean. > >> > >> Anyone in your family ever died right after > saying, "Hey, watch this" > >> > >> You've got more than one brother named 'Billy > Bob.' > >> > >> You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. > >> > >> Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling > fan. > >> > >> Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. > >> > >> You think the last words to The Star Spangled > Banner are,"Gentlemen, > start > >> your engines." > >> > >> You lit a match in the bathroom and your house > was blown right off its > >> wheels. > >> > >> You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding > pictures. > >> > >> The bluebook value of your truck goes up and > down, depending on how much > >> gas it has in it. > >> > >> You have to go outside to get something out of > the 'fridge. > >> > >> One of your kids was born on a pool table. > >> > >> You need one more hole punched in your card to > get a freebie at the House > >> of Tattoos. > >> > >> You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in > your front yard. > >> > >> You think loading the dishwasher means getting > your wife drunk. > >> > >> Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." > >> > >> Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. > >> > > > >And for Sue.............. > >when you start growing sunflowers in your front > yard, right in front of > >your forever broken porch. >=20 >=20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:27 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA16435 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 22:37:17 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:18:42 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:38:23 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509085@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: They are all classic, but the last one is the best. Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:38:23 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3695 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Saturday, September 25, 1999 12:19 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: They are all classic, but the last one is the best. > >A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an > amusement park. They go for > a > >ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind > of bored. "What would you > >like to do next?" the young man asks. "I wanna get > weighed," she answers. > So > >the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses > weight. "One-twelve," > >says the man, and the scale confirms it. Next they > ride the roller coaster. > >After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn > and cotton candy and > >asks what else she would like to do. "I wanna get > weighed," she answers. I > >really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, > and, claiming he has a > >headache, he takes the girl home. The girl's mother > is surprised to see her > >home so early and asks, "What's wrong, dear? How > was your date?" "Wousy," > >says the girl. > > > >=3D > > > >"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the > Frenchman brags, "and > >this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much > she adored me." > > > >"Last night I made love to my wife six times," the > Italian replies, "and > >today she said she could never love another man." > > > >The American remains silent, and the Frenchman > smugly asks, "How many times > >did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," > says the American. > "Only > >once?" the Italian snorts arrogantly. "And what did > she say to you this > >morning?" "Don't stop." > > > >=3D > > > >While making love for the first time, Billy notes > with pride that his > >girlfriend's toes are curling with every thrust. > Thrust, curl; thrust, > curl. > >I am one serious stud! he thinks. But later, when > he's making love to her > in > >the shower, Billy finds he's unable to achieve the > same reaction. After > >brooding for several minutes, he works up the > courage to ask his girlfriend > >why she's not as turned on. "Well, I am," she says, > "but now I'm not > wearing > >pantyhose." > > > >=3D > > > >Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a > state trooper. The cop > >walks up and taps on the driver's window, the > driver rolls it down, and the > >trooper smacks the driver in the head with his > night stick. "Ow!" says the > >driver. "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, > "You're in Texas, son. When > I > >pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The > driver says, "I'm > sorry, > >officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper > writes the guy a ticket and > >gives his license back, then walks around to the > car's passenger side and > >taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window > down, and the trooper > >smacks him with his night stick. "Ow!" says the > passenger. "What'd you do > >that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish > come true." "What the > >hell does that mean?" asks the guy. "Two miles down > the road, you were > gonna > >say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that > shit with me!" >=20 >=20 >=20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:27 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA16729 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 22:39:28 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:20:47 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:40:29 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509086@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: *Very* cool story I didn't know. Read. Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:40:27 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4732 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Saturday, September 25, 1999 12:25 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: *Very* cool story I didn't know. Read. > During the course of World War II, many people > gained fame in one > =20 > > way or another. One man was Butch O'Hare. He > was a fighter pilot > =20 > > assigned to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. > One time his entire > =20 > > squadron was assigned to fly a particular > mission. After he was > =20 > > airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and > realized that someone had > =20 > > forgotten to top off his fuel tank. Because of > this, he would not have > =20 > > enough fuel to complete his mission and get back > to his ship. His > =20 > > flight leader told him to leave formation and > return. > =20 > > > =20 > > As he was returning to the mother ship, he could > see a squadron of > =20 > > Japanese Zeroes heading toward the fleet to > attack. With all the > =20 > > fighter planes gone, the fleet was almost > defenseless. His was the > =20 > > only opportunity to distract and divert them.=20 > Single-handedly, he > =20 > > dove into the formation of Japanese planes and > attacked them. > =20 > > > =20 > > The American fighter planes were rigged with > cameras, so that as > =20 > > they flew and fought, pictures were taken so > pilots could learn more > =20 > > about the terrain, enemy maneuvers, etc. Butch > dove at them and shot > =20 > > until all his ammunition was gone, then he would > dive and try to clip > =20 > > off a wing or tail or anything that would make > the enemy planes unfit > =20 > > to fly. He did anything he could to keep them > from reaching the > =20 > > American ships. Finally, the Japanese squadron > took off in another > =20 > > direction, and Butch O'Hare and his fighter, both > badly shot up, > =20 > > limped back to the carrier. > =20 > > > =20 > > He told his story, but not until the film from > the camera on his plane > =20 > > was developed, did they realize the extent he > really went to, to protect > =20 > > his fleet. He was recognized as a hero and given > one of the nations > =20 > > highest military honors. And as you know, the > O'Hare Airport was > =20 > > also named after him. > =20 > > > =20 > > Prior to this time in Chicago, there was a man > named Easy Eddie. He > =20 > > was working for a man you've all heard about, Al > Capone. Al Capone > =20 > > wasn't famous for anything heroic, but he was > notorious for the > =20 > > murders he'd committed and the illegal things > he'd done. Easy Eddie > =20 > > was Al Capone's lawyer, and he was very good. In > fact, because of his > =20 > > skill, he was able to keep Al Capone out of jail. > To show his > =20 > > appreciation, Al Capone paid him very well. He > not only earned big > =20 > > money, he would get extra things, like a > residence that filled an entire > =20 > > Chicago city block. The house was fenced, and he > had live-in help and > =20 > > all of the conveniences of the day. > =20 > > > =20 > > Easy Eddie had a son. He loved his son and gave > him all the best things > =20 > > while he was growing up; clothes, cars and a good > education. And > =20 > > because he loved his son, he tried to teach him > right from wrong. But > =20 > > one thing he couldn't give his son was a good > name and a good example. > =20 > > Easy Eddie decided that this was much more > important than all the > =20 > > riches he had given him. So, he went to the > authorities in order to > =20 > > rectify the wrong he had done. > =20 > > > =20 > > In order to tell the truth, it meant he must > testify against Al Capone, > =20 > > and he knew that Al Capone would do his best to > have him killed. But > =20 > > he wanted most of all to try to be an example and > to do the best he could > =20 > > to give back to his son, a good name. So he > testified. Within the year, > =20 > > he was shot and killed on a lonely street in > Chicago. This sounds like > =20 > > two unrelated stories, but Butch O'Hare was Easy > Eddie's son. > =20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:28 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA17982 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 22:49:08 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:30:29 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:50:08 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509087@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: FW: Beer Philosophies Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:50:06 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3614 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, September 27, 1999 12:20 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Fwd: FW: Beer Philosophies > Beer Philosophies >=20 > "Buy a man a beer and he wastes an hour. Teach a > man to brew and he wastes=20 > a lifetime." * Unknown >=20 > "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer > and an airline. It=20 > helps if you have some kind of a football team, or > some nuclear weapons,=20 > but at the very least you need a beer" *Frank Zappa >=20 > "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That > will teach you to keep=20 > your mouth shut." * Ernest Hemmingway >=20 > "Always remember that I have taken more out of > alcohol than alcohol has=20 > taken out of me." * Winston Churchill >=20 > "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your > drink." * Lady Astor to=20 > Winston Churchill "Madam, if you were my wife, I > would drink it." *=20 > Churchill's reply >=20 > "He was a wise man who invented beer." * Plato >=20 > "Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the > time." * Catherine=20 > Zandonella >=20 > "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have > the decency to thank=20 > her.." * W.C. Fields >=20 > "Work is the curse of the drinking class." * Oscar > Wilde >=20 > "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up > reading." * Henny=20 > Youngman >=20 > "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be > happy." * Unknown >=20 > "If you ever reach total enlightenment while > drinking beer, I bet it makes=20 > beer shoot out your nose." *"Deep Thoughts," by Jack > Handy >=20 > "Without question, the greatest invention in the > history of mankind is=20 > beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine > invention, but the=20 > wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." * Dave > Barry >=20 > "The problem with the world is that everyone is a > few drinks behind." *=20 > Humphrey > Bogart >=20 > "People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste > of beer; they just like=20 > to pee alot." * Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI >=20 > "Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer > the world." * Kaiser=20 > Wilhelm >=20 > "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such > as hydrogen and oxygen,=20 > for > example, there would be no way to make water, a > vital ingredient in beer." > * Dave Barry >=20 > "I drink to make other people interesting." * George > Jean Nathan >=20 > "They who drink beer will think beer." * Washington > Irving >=20 > "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk > to spend time with his > friends." * Ernest Hemmingway ("For Whom the Bell > Tolls") >=20 > "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor > without holding on." * Dean=20 > Martin >=20 > "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't > like me-so let's just do=20 > this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." * > Homer Simpson >=20 > And seen recently on a pick-up's bumper sticker at > Ft. Belvoir,VA: "Beer,=20 > helping ugly people have sex, since 1872." __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:29 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA19391 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 22:59:59 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:41:21 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:01:02 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509088@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: hmmm, a strange eerie thing.... Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:00:59 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4956 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > -----Original Message----- From: LynShy@aol.com [mailto:LynShy@aol.com] Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 1999 1:00 PM Subject: hmmm, a strange eerie thing.... Got this from Cheryln's List..................boy, this one makes you kinda think...heeeee Not sure i believe, but does make you go....HMMMMMM..heeee The Mark of the Beast? Did you know that Bill Gates' real name is William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where III means the order of third. So what's so eerie about this name? Well, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it into ASCII code (American Standard Code for Info. Interchange) and then add up all the numbers.... you will get 666, which is the number of the beast. B = 66 I = 73 L = 76 L = 76 G = 71 A = 65 T = 84 E = 69 S = 83 I = 1 I = 1 I = 1 Add these numbers and they equal 666. Coincidence? Perhaps.... Maybe, but take Windows 95 and do the same procedure and you will get 666 also. And even MS-DOS 6.31 adds up to 666. Still think it is coincidence? Stay with me....it gets better. For those of you who still have the old excel 95 (not office 97) try this out: (this really works) 1 - Open a new file 2 - Scroll down to row 95 3 - Click on the row 95 button to highlight the entire row 4 - Press tab to move to the second column 5 - Now, move your mouse and click on help at the top 6 - Then click on "about Microsoft excel" 7 - Press ctrl-alt-shift & click on the tech support button at the same time A window will appear with the title: THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS. This is really eerie, okay! It has a doom style format and you can walk all around the hall using the arrow keys. On the sides of the walls are the names of the tortured souls.... now walk up the stairs and then come back down, facing the blank wall. Now type in EXCELKFA; this will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage and do not fall off. This is difficult to do. When you get to the end you will see something really, really eerie. As of this point in time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified that it is a real eye opener. It could be a joke by MS programmers. Or is it? Would it be too surprising if Bill Gates was the antichrist? After all, the Bible foretold that someone powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction. And Bill Gates definitely has this kind of power in his hands. More than 80% of computers in the world today run on windows and DOS (including those at the Pentagon). If all of his products have some kind of small program embedded, l ike this "hall of tortured souls", that can give him control to set off nuclear arsenals, create havoc in security systems and financial systems all over the world, etc. All from his headquarters. This isn't too far from reality. Just by using the Internet Explorer may just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the end of time is near and this is just the tip of the iceberg? Quote from the Bible: "He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666." Revelation 13:16-18 This is something you should think about. If the Bible, in the book of Revelations, says that without the sign of the beast, one would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc., then my question to you now is this.... Is the Internet a necessity today for doing business? The Internet also bears the sign. Note that the Internet is often referred to as the World Wide Web, or www. Another way to write W is V/ or VI. W W W VI VI VI 6 6 6 Here is something to ponder. Isn't everything going towards the Internet? (i.e., buying, selling, business transactions) Isn't Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly when it comes to software technology? And now the Internet? Revelations also says that the mark of the beast will be carved on one's hand and on one's forehead. If the Internet would indeed be the beast, aren't we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads? The screen is the forehead and the hand uses the mouse. Are things finally starting to fall into place or are we just letting our imagination run? Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal and to destroy. So, be vigilant about Bill Gates and Microsoft! Coincidence? Perhaps.... From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:29 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA19925 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:03:59 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:45:17 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:04:54 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509089@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Who says dreams don't come true? I could happen to you! Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:04:52 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3210 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Thursday, September 30, 1999 6:04 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Who says dreams don't come true? I could happen to you! >=20 > Things SHE will never say: > 1. You know, I've been complaining a lot > lately. I don't blame you > for > ignoring me. > =20 > 2. The new girl in my office is a real > beauty...and a stripper too! I > invited her over for dinner on Friday, is > that > ok? > =20 > 3. Honey, did you leave that skid in the > toilet > bowl? Good one! > =20 > 4. While you were in the bathroom, they > went > for it on fourth down and > missed. If they can hold them to a field > goal > they'll still cover. >=20 > 5. Bar food again? Kick ass. > =20 > 6. I liked that wedding even more than > ours. > Your ex has class. > =20 > 7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as > I > am. Cool, I'm gonna go > over and talk to her. > =20 > 8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at > all > times, then you don't > have to mess with it anymore. >=20 > 9. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. > How > big do you want 'em? > =20 > 10. It's only the third quarter, you should > order a couple more > pitchers. > =20 > 11. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila > Shot > off of Stephanie's > bare ass! >=20 > 12. My mother is going to take care of the > tab, > so order another round > for you and your friends. >=20 > 13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I > don't > think I'll ever change > it again! > =20 > 14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like > your cigars and beer. You > passed out before brushing your teeth > again, > ya' big silly! >=20 > 15. You are so much smarter than my father. > =20 > 16. If we're not going to have sex, then > you > have to let me watch > football. > =20 > 17. Are you sure you've had enough to > drink? >=20 > 18. I've decided to stop wearing clothes > around > the house. >=20 > 19. You're so sexy when you're hung over. > =20 > 20. I'd rather watch football and drink > beer > with you than go > shopping. > =20 > 21. Let's subscribe to Hustler. >=20 > 22. I'll be out painting the house. > =20 > 23. I love it when you ride your Harley, I > just > wish you had more time > to ride. >=20 > 24. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is > sunbathing again, come see! > =20 > 25. No, No, I'll take the car to have the > oil > changed. > =20 > 26. Your mother is way better than mine. >=20 > 27. Do me a favor, forget the stupid > Valentine's Day thing and buy > yourself something. > =20 > 28. Listen, I make enough money for the > both of > us, why don't you > retire? >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:30 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA20053 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:04:49 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:46:12 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:05:48 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C0150908A@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Politics *can* be interesting. Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:05:47 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1858 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Thursday, September 30, 1999 6:17 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Politics *can* be interesting. Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to > Hell. At Hell's gate, > he > > > >meets > > > > >>Satan who tells Clinton that Hell is full, > but that Clinton will be > > > > >>given the choice of who he will REPLACE > forever in Hell. Three > doors > > > > >>appear before Clinton. The first door opens > and behind it is Newt > > > > >>Gingrich. He is being worked over with a=20 > blowtorch. Upon seeing > > > Newt > > > > >>in this predicament, Clinton cringes and=20 > says "That looks painful, > I > > > > >>don't think this is for me." The second=20 > door opens, and behind it > is > > > > >>Ted Kennedy. Ted's skin is being stripped=20 > off with a pair of > pliers. > > > > >>Again, Clinton says "I don't think this is > for me." The third door > > > > >>opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is > naked and bound hand and > > > foot. > > > > >>Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, > doing what she does best. > > > "Oh > > > > >>man, I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims=20 > enthusiastically. "Very > > > > >>well," says Satan. "Monica, you are free=20 > to go." __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 6 08:15:31 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA20551 for ; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:08:19 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 5 Oct 1999 23:49:43 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:09:24 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C0150908B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Happy Halloween! Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 00:09:22 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1530 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Friday, October 01, 1999 7:55 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: Happy Halloween! >=20 > OP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN > SEX > > > > > > 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little > something in the sack. >=20 > > 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and > go at it again. > > 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get > some. > > 7) You don't have to compliment the person who > gives you some. > > 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with > fantasizes you're someone > else, > > because you are. > > 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. > > 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always > go next door. > > 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning > and groaning. > > 2) Less guilt the morning after. > > 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. >=20 >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Oct 7 03:34:59 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA02802 for ; Wed, 6 Oct 1999 23:47:08 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:28:22 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:47:57 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509096@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Great story EVERYONE read it!!!!!! Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:47:56 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4687 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 1999 12:39 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: FW: Great story EVERYONE read it!!!!!! > > << Jack took a long look at his speedometer before > slowing > > >down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many > months. > > >How could a guy get caught so often? > > > > > >When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, > Jack pulled > > >over, but only partially. Let the cop worry > about the > > >potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car > will tweak > > >his backside with a mirror. > > > > > >The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad > in hand. > > >Bob? Bob from church? Jack sunk farther into his > trench > > >coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A > Christian > > >cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy > who > > >happened to be a little eager to get home after > a long day > > >at the office. A guy he was about to play golf > with tomorrow. > > > > > >Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he > saw every > > >Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform. "Hi, > Bob. Fancy > > >meeting you like this." > > > > > >"Hello, Jack." No smile. > > > > > >"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see > my wife > > >and kids." > > > > > >"Yeah, I guess." > > > > > >Bob seemed uncertain. Good. > > > > > >"I've seen some long days at the office lately. > I'm afraid I > > >bent the rules a bit-just this once." Jack toed > at a pebble > > >on the pavement. "Diane said something about > roast beef > > >and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?" > > > > > >"I know what you mean. I also know that you have > a > > >reputation in our precinct." > > > > > >Ouch! This was not going in the right direction. > Time to > > >change tactics. "What'd you clock me at?" > > >"Seventy-one. Would you sit back in your car, > please?" > > > > > >"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon > as I saw > > >you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed > to come > > >easier with every ticket. > > > > > >"Please, Jack, in the car." > > > > > >Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the > still-open > > >door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the > dashboard. He > > >was in no rush to open the window. > > > > > >The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the > pad. > > >Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?=20 > Whatever > > >the reason, it would be a month of Sundays > before Jack > > >ever sat near this cop again. > > > > > >A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.=20 > There was > > >Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down > the window > > >a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to > pass him > > >the slip. > > > > > >"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer > out of his > > >voice. Bob returned to his car without a word. > > > > > >Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. He > unfolded the > > >sheet of paper. How much was this one going to > cost? > > >Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? > > >Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read: > > > > > >"Dear Jack", > > >Once upon a time I had a daughter. > > >She was six when killed by a car. > > >You guessed it - a speeding driver. > > >A fine and three months in jail, and the man was > free. Free to hug his > > >daughters. All three of them. I only had one, > > >and I'm going to have to wait until heaven > before I can > > >ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried > to forgive > > >that man. A thousand times I thought I had. > Maybe I did, > > >but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for > me. And be > > >careful. My son is all I have left. > > > > > >Bob" > > > > > >Jack...twisted around in time to see Bob's car > pull away > > >and head down the road. Jack watched until it > disappeared. > > >A full 15 minutes later, he, too, pulled away > and drove > > >slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging > a > > >surprised wife and kids when he arrived. > > >Life is precious. Handle with care. =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Oct 7 03:35:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA02855 for ; Wed, 6 Oct 1999 23:47:44 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:29:00 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:48:44 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509097@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: True Story? Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:48:42 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1770 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 1999 12:43 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: True Story? One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Bubblingbrook, Maine, got up early and went to the local church.=20 Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church,except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yup, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," answered the old man.=20 Satan, being a little perturbed, then queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" To which the fellow calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Oct 7 03:35:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA02927 for ; Wed, 6 Oct 1999 23:48:48 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:30:05 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:49:47 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509098@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: "Fine looking hawgs, sir!" Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 00:49:45 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1731 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 1999 1:28 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: "Fine looking hawgs, sir!" >=20 > After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton > stepped from the > helicopter and onto the White House lawn. > He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under > each arm. At the bottom > of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, > saluted sharply and > said, > =20 > "Fine looking pigs, sir!" > =20 > Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't > you know I'm from > Arkansas. These ain't pigs. They're hawgs." > =20 > The Marine shot back, "SIR!!! This Marine begs the > COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S > pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!" > =20 > Clinton smiled with pride and the young man > relaxed. The president went > on, "Thank you, son. You see this one here?" He > lifted up the pig under > his right arm. "I got this one for Chelsea."=20 > Then he nodded to the hawg > on his left. "And this one here, I got for > Hillary." > =20 > At that the Marine snapped back to attention and > said, "Outstanding trade, > sir!" >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Fri Oct 8 00:41:56 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA12610 for ; Thu, 7 Oct 1999 23:47:21 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Fri, 8 Oct 1999 00:28:39 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Fri, 8 Oct 1999 00:48:17 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C015090A5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Court Stuff Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1999 00:48:16 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6465 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, September 22, 1999 11:16 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; Chad Schallock; Scott = Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall Subject: Court Stuff > >>From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." > These > >are things people actually said in court, word for > word. > > > >Q: What is your date of birth? > >A: July fifteenth. > >Q: What year? > >A: Every year. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the > impact? > >A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your > memory at all? > >A: Yes. > >Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > >A: I forget. > >Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of > something that you've > forgotten? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. > >A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember > which. > >Q: How long has he lived with you? > >A: Forty-five years. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: What was the first thing your husband said to > you when he woke that > >morning? > >A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" > >Q: And why did that upset you? > >A: My name is Susan. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: And where was the location of the accident? > >A: Approximately milepost 499. > >Q: And where is milepost 499? > >A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. > >--------------------------------------------- > >Q: Sir, what is your IQ? > >A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. > > ---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? > >A: After the accident? > >Q: Before the accident. > >A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to > school for it. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been > involved in the voodoo or > >occult? > >A: We both do. > >Q: Voodoo? > >A: We do. > >Q: You do? > >A: Yes, voodoo. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were > your red and blue lights > >flashing? > >A: Yes. > >Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out > of her car? > >A: Yes, sir. > >Q: What did she say? > >A: What disco am I at? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person > dies in his > >sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next > morning? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old > is he? >> > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was > killed in the war? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Did he kill you? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of > the collision? > >--------------------------------------------- > >Q: You were there until the time you left, is that > true? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: How many times have you committed suicide? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was > August 8th? > >A: Yes. > >Q: And what were you doing at that time? > >--------------------------------------------- > >Q: She had three children, right? > >A: Yes. > >Q: How many were boys? > >A: None. > >Q: Were there any girls? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? > >A: Yes. > >Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate > honeymoon, didn't you? > >A: I went to Europe, Sir. > >Q: And you took your new wife? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: How was your first marriage terminated? > >A: By death. > >Q: And by whose death was it terminated? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Can you describe the individual? > >A: He was about medium height and had a beard. > >Q: Was this a male, or a female? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to > a > >deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney? > >A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on > dead people? > >A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. > > ---------------------------------------------- > >Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school > did you go to? > >A: Oral. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the > body? > >A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. > >Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? > >A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I > was doing an autopsy. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did > you check for a pulse? > >A: No. > >Q: Did you check for blood pressure? > >A: No. > >Q: Did you check for breathing? > >A: No. > >Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was > alive when you began the > >autopsy? > >A: No. > >Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > >A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a > jar. > >Q: But could the patient have still been alive > nevertheless? > >A: It is possible that he could have been alive and > practicing law > somewhere. > >---------------------------------------------- > >Q: You were not shot in the fracas? > >A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the > navel. >=20 >=20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Tue Oct 12 00:31:04 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA17268 for ; Mon, 11 Oct 1999 23:08:01 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 11 Oct 1999 23:49:16 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 12 Oct 1999 00:08:57 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C015090B3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: This could happen to you, Gary! Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 00:08:53 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1314 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, October 11, 1999 11:30 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: This could happen to you, Gary! >=20 > One day a nun and a bus driver were all alone on a > bus. the nun says"I've=20 > been in a convent for 20 years and I've never been > fucked." so the bus=20 > driver says I'll fuck you. The nun says only under 2 > conditions. 1. you=20 > can't have a wife or kids. 2. I want you to butt > fuck me so I can die a=20 > virgin. So the bus driver has his way with her. > Afterword the bus driver=20 > says I have a confetion, I have a wife and 4 kids. > the nun says that's okay=20 > I have a confetion to make too. My name is Vince > and I'm on my way to a=20 > costume party. >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 13 23:27:10 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA01295 for ; Wed, 13 Oct 1999 22:55:57 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 13 Oct 1999 23:37:12 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX7MBN>; Wed, 13 Oct 1999 23:56:48 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C015090C7@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Funny Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 23:56:44 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2394 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, October 13, 1999 12:20 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: Daily Funny > 4 guys telling stories in a bar; 1 guy leaves to go > to the restroom, 3 guys=20 > are left. > First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna > be a loser because he=20 > started out washing cars for a local dealership.=20 > Turns out that he got a=20 > break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many > cars that he bought=20 > the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he > just gave his best=20 > friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." > Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too > because he started out=20 > raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a > break, they made him a=20 > commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the > real estate firm. In=20 > fact, HE's so successful that he just gave his best > friend a new house for=20 > his birthday. > Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started > out sweeping floors in a=20 > brokerage firm. Well He got a break, they made him a > broker, and now he=20 > owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that > he just gave his best=20 > friend $1 million in stock for his birthday." > Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The first > 3 explain that they are=20 > telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, > I'm embarrassed to=20 > admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He > started out as a=20 > hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 > years. In fact I just found=20 > out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I > try to look at the=20 > bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new > Mercedes, a new House=20 > and $1 Million in stock for his birthday." =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Fri Oct 15 23:33:33 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA11489 for ; Fri, 15 Oct 1999 23:16:13 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 15 Oct 1999 23:57:31 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX73JK>; Sat, 16 Oct 1999 00:17:11 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C015090D6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'virtual1@pitnet.net'" Subject: FW: You have to read this Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 00:17:10 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5801 > -----Original Message----- > From: Tim Schmidt > Sent: Friday, October 15, 1999 3:09 PM > To: WL Information Technology > Cc: MP Information Technology > Subject: You have to read this > > Tips for getting the most out of your IT department. (for non IT > related departments) > 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave > it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed > animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't > have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse > of yours. > 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error > messages from here. > 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. > > That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing > for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords. > 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's > keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get > into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. > 6. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, > delete it at once. We're just testing. > 7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in > and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. > 8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up > and flags it as a rush delivery. > 9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. > There's electronics in it. > 10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call > computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. > 11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call > computer support. We're collectors. > 12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. > person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the > problem. We love a puzzle. > 13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have > cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. > 14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply > in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by > shortly?" That motivates us. > 15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. > Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. > 16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job > to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. > 17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know > exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up". > 18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. > 19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of > your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables > were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them. > 20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the > mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of > muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. > 21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes > button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be > doing it, would you? > 22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit > uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs > up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway. > 23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing > about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of > professional expertise referred to as crap. > 24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call > I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex > task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a > professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics. > 25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call > I.T. > Support. > 26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. > Support. We love to hack. > 27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your > secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to > deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem. > 28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone > as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail > server. > 29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller > chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the > queue. > 30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth > of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good > grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another > one that cracks us up no end. > 31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire > company. > People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on. > 32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a > Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends. > 33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your > own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. > 34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the > office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings > and drivers somewhere. > 35. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful > twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. > We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless > losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been > remotely possible. > 36. Keep it crashing! > > Tim Schmidt > Ron Weber & Associates Of IL > IT LAN. Technician > (815)-227-9595 Ext. 223 > (815)-227-0239 (Direct Line) > (815)-227-4196 Fax > (815)-983-4219 Pager > tim.schmidt@telethinking.com > From - Fri Oct 22 10:06:00 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA12167 for ; Thu, 21 Oct 1999 23:45:27 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Fri, 22 Oct 1999 00:26:43 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX7T22>; Fri, 22 Oct 1999 00:46:21 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C015090F6@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Charge Codes Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 00:46:19 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 6129 -----Original Message----- From: John Rubenbauer Sent: Thursday, October 21, 1999 9:16 PM To: Nathan Fisher Subject: FW: Charge Codes -----Original Message----- From: christopher.j.gabbard@us.pwcglobal.com [mailto:christopher.j.gabbard@us.pwcglobal.com] Sent: Thursday, October 21, 1999 8:37 AM To: ALDuffe@Pella.com; MPhelps@cdsfulfillment.com; John.Rubenbauer@telethinking.com; DougSchrage@hotmail.com; NSharp@decisionsys.com; BSteffen@mail.com; Tiedemann.Courtney@principal.com; jweste02@sprintspectrum.com; Rubenbj2915@UNI.EDU Subject: Charge Codes To: Maureen A Driscoll/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, David L. Mayfield/BAS/Atlanta GA/C&L/US@Americas-US, Ryan J Sockalosky/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, Tuyen N Tu/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, Denise Yi/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, Brian K McLaughlin/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, Andrew H. Basler/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, John D Eisel/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, Christopher J. Gabbard/BAS/Minneapolis MN/C&L/US@Americas-US, Alicia M Griswell/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US, Thomas Lee/BAS/Washington DC/C&L/US@Americas-US cc: From: Maureen A Driscoll/ABS/Price Waterhouse Date: 10/21/99 06:22:39 AM EDT Subject: Charge Codes ---------------------- Forwarded by Maureen A Driscoll/ABS/Price Waterhouse on 10/21/99 06:21 AM --------------------------- Joseph Rocco 10/20/99 10:03 PM To: Maureen A Driscoll/ABS/Price Waterhouse@Americas-US cc: Subject: Charge Codes You may want to forward these to the other new folks :) It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter. Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation: 5000 Surfing the Net 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email 5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004) 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-mail 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Myself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining about Lousy Job (see code #5610) 5601 Complaining about Low Pay (see code #5610) 5602 Complaining about Long Hours (see code #5610) 5603 Complaining about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) 5604 Complaining about Boss (see code #5610) 5605 Complaining about Personal Problems 5610 Searching for a New Job 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present at Job 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls 6206 Gossiping 6207 Planning a Social Event 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring at Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400) 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use ---------------------------------------------------------------- The information transmitted is intended only for the person or entity to which it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privileged material. Any review, retransmission, dissemination or other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, this information by persons or entities other than the intended recipient is prohibited. If you received this in error, please contact the sender and delete the material from any computer. From - Mon Oct 25 22:49:54 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA11512 for ; Mon, 25 Oct 1999 22:45:26 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 25 Oct 1999 23:26:43 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX7V7N>; Mon, 25 Oct 1999 23:46:22 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509103@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 23:46:20 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2619 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, October 25, 1999 4:22 PM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: jokes > An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in > Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest > trees > to peck. >=20 > The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree > that > no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker > challenged > him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no > problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. >=20 > The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan > woodpecker > to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been > able to peck successfully. >=20 > The Alaskan woodpecker expressed much confidence > that > he could do it. >=20 > After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the > tree > in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out > why > the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan > tree > and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the > Texan > tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in > their own state. >=20 > After thinking for some time they both came to the > same > conclusion: >=20 > Your pecker is always harder when you're away from > home... >=20 >=20 > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >=20 > A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and > out > of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a > breath into a breathalyzer. >=20 > "I can't do that, officer." >=20 > "Why not?" >=20 > "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma > attack > if I blow into that tube." >=20 > "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the > station." >=20 > "Can't do that either, officer." >=20 > "Why not?" >=20 > "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar > if > I pee in a cup." >=20 > "Alright, we could get a blood sample." >=20 > "Can't do that either, officer." >=20 > "Why not?" >=20 > "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could > die." >=20 > "Fine then, just walk this white line." >=20 > "Can't do that either, officer." >=20 > "Why not?" >=20 > "Because I'm drunk." >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Oct 27 00:36:38 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA12977 for ; Tue, 26 Oct 1999 22:36:50 -0500 (CDT) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Tue, 26 Oct 1999 23:18:07 -0400 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX7XCD>; Tue, 26 Oct 1999 23:37:50 -0400 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C0150910B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Singing Alligator (really funny) Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 23:37:48 -0400 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2828 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Tuesday, October 26, 1999 8:22 AM To: John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Linda Burrichter; Darrell = DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Nicole Lynk; = Peggy Lynk; Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott = Westphall Subject: Singing Alligator (really funny) > > > SO ... > > > > > > ... these two vampires wanted to go out to eat, > but were > having a little trouble deciding where to go. > They were a little tired > of the local food in Transylvania and wanted > something a little more > exotic. >=20 > After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy > because they had > heard that Italian food was really good. > So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On > a bridge over one of > the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for > dinner. > A few minutes later they noticed a young couple > walking their way. As > they neared, the vampires made their move. Each > vampire grabbed a person, > sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies > into the canal below. > The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal > and > decided to have seconds. Another young couple > approached a few minutes > later and suffered the same fate as the first-sucked > dry and tossed into the > canal below. > Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to > get dessert. In a short while a third young couple > provides just that. > As with the first two couples, these people were > also sucked dry and > tossed over the rail into the canal. > The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous > dinner but that it was time to head back home. As > they started to walk > away they began to hear some singing. > They were puzzled because no one else was on the > bridge. > As they listened, they realized that it was coming > from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a > big alligator in the > water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They > listened as the > alligator sang ... > > > > > > > > > > > > Scroll down............ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Here it comes .............. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > You're gonna hate (love) this ............. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > . . . "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head" . . =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Nov 4 02:09:53 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA02981 for ; Thu, 4 Nov 1999 01:27:35 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Thu, 4 Nov 1999 02:08:57 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX79QR>; Thu, 4 Nov 1999 02:28:32 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01509145@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: real ads Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 02:28:29 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3397 -----Original Message----- From: John Rubenbauer=20 Sent: Wednesday, November 03, 1999 11:18 PM To: Nathan Fisher; Chad Morrison; Darrell DeGroote; Angela Blackley; Scott Lufkin Subject: real ads 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. BIG B BRAND PANTY LINERS, WITH BUILT IN FLASH -- 99 cents FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 BLACK FACE COWS, CALVES...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED. FREE PUPPIES: =AB COCKER SPANIEL - =AB SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents GERMAN SHEPARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME. CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE-BONELESS BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT = AWHILE...BETTER BE A REWARD. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 =AB BOTTLES OF BEER. PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5 HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN-FROST FREE! BARBIE COUNTRY RIDE -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike). '93 PONTIAC LEMONS - LOW MILES FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD. THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. WOMEN - ANY SIZE - FREE BUTT MASSAGE THESE 2 HEADLINES WERE ARTICLES NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON THE SAME = PAGE: BREASTFEEDING MONTH SLATED and REPORT: MEN NEED TO DRINK MILK TOO CHICKEN & DUMPING DINNER TO BE HELD SATURDAY SO FRENCH, AFTER ONE CUP YOU'LL WANT TO GO OUI, OUI. GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS EYE OF ROUND ROAST - $1.99 lb. - BONERLESS KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb. From - Tue Nov 9 14:04:55 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id KAA08224 for ; Tue, 9 Nov 1999 10:20:35 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Tue, 9 Nov 1999 11:01:58 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX8D13>; Tue, 9 Nov 1999 11:21:33 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C0150916B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: So stupid, you can't help but laugh. Hard. Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 11:21:31 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2107 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Tuesday, November 09, 1999 8:07 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: So stupid, you can't help but laugh. Hard. > This is so stupid you have to laugh. >=20 >=20 > A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. > He > can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is > Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to > get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." >=20 > Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how > much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The > teller asks his name and the frog says that his name > is Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the > bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a > substantial amount of money and that he will need to > secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if > he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog > says, "Sure. I have this," and he produces a tiny > pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. > It's bright pink and perfectly formed. >=20 > Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to > consult with the manager, and disappears into a back > office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's > a > frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to > know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he > wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the > tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" > So the bank manager looks back at her and says: > "It's > a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. > His > old man's a Rolling Stone." =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Nov 10 09:34:09 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id BAA21544 for ; Wed, 10 Nov 1999 01:04:37 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Wed, 10 Nov 1999 01:45:55 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX81B9>; Wed, 10 Nov 1999 02:05:32 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731406@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 02:05:30 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 11557 > Nathan Fisher > IT Operations Analyst > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. >=20 >=20 > -----Original Message----- > From: Chad Morrison=20 > Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 1999 12:54 AM > To: Scott Lufkin; John Rubenbauer; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher > Subject:=09 >=20 >=20 > Monday >=20 > 8:05am >=20 > User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password > retrieval=20 > utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. > God, we=20 > let the people vote and drive, too? >=20 > 8:12am >=20 > Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports > database. Gave=20 > them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me. Let them > rant and=20 > rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their > server=20 > back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... >=20 > 8:14am >=20 > User from 8:05 call said they received error message Error accessing > Drive 0.=20 > Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. >=20 > 11:00am >=20 > Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone = back > in so=20 > I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this > weekend. Put=20 > her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in = basement. > What=20 > is she thinking? The Myst and Doom nationals are this weekend! >=20 > 11:34am >=20 > Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed > on HR=20 > performance review database so that nobody but HR can access = database. > Tell=20 > them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance > reviews=20 > are sent to */US. >=20 > 12:00pm >=20 > Lunch >=20 > 3:30pm >=20 > Return from lunch. >=20 > 3:55pm >=20 > Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no > reason.=20 > Return to napping. >=20 > 4:23pm >=20 > Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. = Ask > them=20 > what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find > out. >=20 > 4:55pm >=20 > Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift > has=20 > something to do. >=20 > =20 >=20 > Tuesday >=20 > 8:30am >=20 > Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible > time with=20 > Save/Replication conflicts. >=20 > 9:00am >=20 > Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on > PhoneNotes=20 > SmartIcon. Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar > database! I=20 > yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit > up. Walks=20 > away grumbling. >=20 > 9:35pm >=20 > Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need > form=20 > J-19R=3D9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them > it's in=20 > the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. > Transfer=20 > them to janitorial closet in basement. >=20 > 10:00am >=20 > Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell > her I=20 > need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital > status. Run=20 > @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease > Control=20 > database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be > ready=20 > tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's = Reengineering > for=20 > Customer Partnership I offer to personally deliver ID to her > apartment. >=20 > 10:07am >=20 > Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. > Offer to=20 > train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a > smoke. >=20 > 1:00pm >=20 > Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he=20 > transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy. >=20 > 1:05pm >=20 > Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled = floor > tiles=20 > outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in > computer=20 > room, even if I do yell Omigod -- Fire! >=20 > 1:15pm >=20 > Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in > form=20 > names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. > Hang up=20 > and run global search/replace using gaks. >=20 > 1:20pm >=20 > Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for > Notice=20 > Loads or NoLoad Goats, she's not sure, couldn't hear over > industrial-grade=20 > blender. Tell her it was probably Lettuce Nodes. Maybe the food > distributor=20 > with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up. >=20 > 2:00pm >=20 > Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in > her=20 > purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably > fell out=20 > of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents > she can=20 > find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she > does that. >=20 > 2:49pm >=20 > Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. >=20 > =20 >=20 > Wednesday >=20 > 8:30am >=20 > Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. > Tell=20 > them of course, they should have been checking Bitset, not chipset. > Sheepish=20 > user apologizes and hangs up. >=20 > 9:10am >=20 > Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules > 10:00am=20 > meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager = about >=20 > terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into > meeting.=20 > Sometimes life hands you material... >=20 > 10:00am >=20 > Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support > manager's=20 > office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral > career=20 > moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with > moderate to=20 > heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug > which=20 > takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all > references to=20 > furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web > page.=20 > Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and > Tums. >=20 > 10:30am >=20 > Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe = corporate > PBX=20 > system sometime. >=20 > 11:00am >=20 > Lunch. >=20 > 4:55pm >=20 > Return from lunch. >=20 > 5:00pm >=20 > Shift change; Going home. >=20 > =20 >=20 > Thursday >=20 > 8:00am >=20 > New guy (Marvin) started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him = Server > room,=20 > wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell > him to=20 > quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. >=20 > 8:45am >=20 > New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for = him. > Set=20 > minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke. >=20 > 9:30am >=20 > Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids Louie comments. > Is this=20 > guy great or what?! >=20 > 11:00am >=20 > Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of > sleeves=20 > (Always have backups). User calls, says Accounting server is down. > Untie=20 > Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back > into hub.=20 > Tell user to try again. Another happy customer! >=20 > 11:55am >=20 > Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: Whereas all new employees = > beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with > said=20 > corporation, said employee is obligated to provide substance and > relief to=20 > senior technical analyst on shift. Marvin doubts. I point to = Corporate > Policy=20 > database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). Remember, = that's > DOUBLE=20 > pepperoni and NO peppers! I yell to Marvin as he steps over open = floor > tile=20 > to get to exit door. >=20 > 1:00pm >=20 > Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy... >=20 > 4:30pm >=20 > Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads. >=20 > 5:00pm >=20 > Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just = testing > the=20 > On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow. >=20 > =20 >=20 > Friday >=20 > 8:00am >=20 > Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told > them it=20 > worked fine before I left. >=20 > 9:00am >=20 > Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls > myself.=20 > Unforward phones from Mailroom. >=20 > 9:02am >=20 > Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the > Oiuji board=20 > determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call telecommunications. >=20 > 9:30am >=20 > Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and > can't=20 > replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a = two-hour >=20 > difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours. >=20 > 10:17am >=20 > Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them = to > set=20 > server ahead three hours. >=20 > 11:00am >=20 > E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time = on > their=20 > servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee. >=20 > 11:20am >=20 > Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook. >=20 > 11:23am >=20 > Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. >=20 > 11:25am >=20 > Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. So hard to > get good=20 > help... I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with > orthopedic=20 > doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly > department=20 > head meeting for him. No problem! >=20 > 11:30am >=20 > Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a > meeting this=20 > afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff I tell him. >=20 > 12:00am >=20 > Lunch. >=20 > 1:00pm >=20 > Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make > them=20 > fast. >=20 > 1:03pm >=20 > Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology! >=20 > 2:30pm >=20 > Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm=20 > appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know. >=20 > 2:39pm >=20 > New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection > document. Tell=20 > them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT- DEL. Says PC > rebooted. Tell=20 > them to call microsupport. >=20 > 2:50pm >=20 > Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means > appointment=20 > cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen > corporate=20 > Web page lately. >=20 > 3:00pm >=20 > Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest > they=20 > place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them = document >=20 > addendum which says so. >=20 > 4:00pm >=20 > Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set > point=20 > size to 2 in help databases. >=20 > 4:30pm >=20 > User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to > go to=20 > view, do a Edit -- Select All, hit delete key, and then refresh. > Promise to=20 > send them document addendum which says so. >=20 > 4:45pm >=20 > Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them > I'll fix=20 > it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings. >=20 > 4:58pm >=20 > Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) > much. >=20 > 5:00pm >=20 > Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a > good=20 > weekend. Cheers >=20 >=20 >=20 >=20 > Chad D. Morrison > IT Operations Tech. > Ron Weber and Associates, Inc. > 3638 University Ave. > Waterloo, IA 50701 > (319) 232-1700 > Chad.Morrison@Telethinking.COM >=20 >=20 From - Thu Nov 11 13:01:15 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA29614 for ; Wed, 10 Nov 1999 23:32:08 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:13:32 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX8FNK>; Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:33:06 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731412@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: The second one is way too true. Second one!? Umm. suuuuur e honey, the second one... Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:33:05 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4392 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 1999 12:48 PM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Fwd: The second one is way too true. Second one!? Umm. = suuuuure honey, the second one... Yeah, sure, the Second One was too true... uh huh, not at all like the first one, right? --- Kendra Lynk wrote: > From: Kendra Lynk > Reply-to: "klynk@forbin.com" > To: "'Scott'" > A man was walking along the beach in California and > found a bottle. When he opened it a genie appeared. > The genie said, "For your kindness, I will grant you > one wish, but only one." >=20 > The man thought for a minute and said, "I have > always > wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to > because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me > claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a freeway to > be > built from here to Hawaii". >=20 > The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I > don't think I can do that. Just think of all the > work > involved with the pilings needed to hold up the > highway > and how deep they would have to be to reach the > bottom > of the ocean. Think of all that pavement that would > be > needed, the ecology that would be disturbed. I am > afraid sir, that is just too much to ask." >=20 > The man agreed and thought for a minute and said, > "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. > I > would like to be able to understand women. What > makes > them laugh and cry, why they are so temperamental, > why > they are so difficult to get along with and what > makes > them tick?" >=20 > The genie thought for a minute and said, "Do you > want > that highway with two lanes or four?" >=20 >=20 > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >=20 > =20 >=20 > Stupid people should be required to wear signs that > just say, "I'm stupid." That way you wouldn't rely > on > them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.=20 > It > would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I > didn't > see your sign." >=20 > It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to > California, our house was full of boxes and there > was a > U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes > over > and says, "Hey, You moving?" "Nope. We just pack > our > stuff up once or twice a week just to see how many > boxes it takes. Here's your sign." >=20 > A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy > of > mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up > this big 'of stringer of bass and this idiot on the > dock says, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. > Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." >=20 > I was watching one of those animal shows on the > Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark > bite suit. There's only one way to test that.... > "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it > looks > good.... they want you to jump into this pool of > sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite > you." "Well, all right...hold my sign, I don't > wanna > lose it." >=20 > Last time I was home I was driving around and got a > flat tire. I pulled my truck into one of those > side-of- > the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, > looks > at my truck, looks at me and I SWEAR he said, "Tire > go > flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was > driving around and those other three just swelled > right > up on me. Here's your sign." >=20 > We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a > guy > came over to the house, drove the car around for > about > 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of > the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, > then > says, "Darn that's hot!" See.....If he'd been > wearing > his sign, I could have stopped him. >=20 > Know anyone who needs a sign? >=20 >=20 >=20 >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Nov 11 13:01:18 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA00143 for ; Wed, 10 Nov 1999 23:35:07 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:16:33 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX8FNM>; Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:36:06 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731413@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Induhviduals Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:36:06 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3851 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 1999 12:52 PM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Induhviduals > > Smile and know they really do exist! > > IDIOTS AT WORK... > > I was signing the receipt for my credit card > purchase when the clerk > noticed > > that I had never signed my name on the back of the > credit card. She > informed > > me that she could not complete the transaction > unless the card was signed. > > When I asked why, she explained that it was > necessary to compare the > > signature on the credit card with the signature I > just signed on the > > receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of > her. She carefully > compared > > that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. > As luck would have it, > > they matched. > > ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of > the HP "Environmental, > > Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink > your eyelids periodically > to > > lubricate your eyes." > > IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural > area. We recently had a > > new neighbor call the local township > administrative office to request the > > removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The > reason: Many deer were > > being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to > cross there. > > IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local > Taco Bell and ordered a > > taco. She asked the individual behind the counter > for "minimal lettuce." > He > > said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. > > IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: > > I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, > when the airport employee > > asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage > without your knowledge?" I > > said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I > know?" He smiled and > > nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." > > Sighting #2: > > The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe > to cross the street. > > I was crossing with an intellectually challenged > co-worker of mine, when > she > > asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I > explained that it signals to > > blind people when the light is red. She responded, > appalled, "What on > earth > > are blind people doing driving?" > > Sighting #3: > > At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker > who is leaving the > company > > due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and > said, "this is fun. > > We should have lunch like this more often." Not > another word was spoken. > > We just looked at each other like deer staring > into the headlights of an > > approaching truck. > > Sighting #4: > > I worked with an Individual who plugged her power > strip back into itself > and > > for the life of her could not understand why her > system would not turn on. > > Sighting #5: > > When my husband and I arrived at an automobile > dealership to pick up our > > car, we were told that the keys had been > accidentally locked in it. > > We went to the service department and found a > mechanic working feverishly > to > > unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from > the passenger's side, I > > instinctively tried the door handle and discovered > it was open. "Hey," I > > announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I > know," answered the young > man.- > > "I already got that side." > > > > >=20 >=20 >=20 >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Nov 11 13:01:20 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA00691 for ; Wed, 10 Nov 1999 23:38:48 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40326>; Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:20:03 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX8FN3>; Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:39:36 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731414@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: *very* interesting tid-bits of into, actually. Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:39:34 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 7648 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 1999 12:59 PM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: *very* interesting tid-bits of into, actually. > - A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 > million parts of water. >=20 > - A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor > moth up to seven miles > away. >=20 > - An elephant can smell water three miles away. >=20 > - Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. >=20 > - A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch > tongue. >=20 > - A rat can last longer without water than a camel. >=20 > - Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's > heart and nervous system,=20 > a few ounces enough to kill a small sized dog. >=20 > - Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up > into the shark's > stomach from underneath, causing the shark to > explode. >=20 > - Most lipstick contains fish scales. >=20 > - Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of > cotton. Before the 1950s,=20 > it was made from hemp. The stem and leaves of a > marijuana plant. >=20 > - By raising your legs slowly and laying on your > back, you can't sink in > quicksand. >=20 > - Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and > "lower" because at the=20 > time when all original print had to be set in > individual letters, the=20 > "upper > case" letters were stored in the case on top of the > case that stored the > smaller, "lower case" letters. >=20 > - Bruce Lee was so fast they actually had to slow a > film down so you could > see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. >=20 > - A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne > will bounce up and down > continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. >=20 > - Every person has a unique tongue print. >=20 > - Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus > every two weeks=20 > otherwise > it will digest itself. >=20 > - On average in the US, 12 newborns will be given to > the wrong parents > daily. >=20 > -Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from > crying. >=20 > - Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before > they go into space because=20 > farting in a spacesuit damages them. >=20 > - Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because > he doesn't wear pants. >=20 > - There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. >=20 > - The name Wendy was made up for the Peter Pan > story; there was never a > recorded Wendy before. >=20 > - The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce > Springsteen's "Born in the USA." >=20 > - There is no word in the dictionary that rhyme with > orange, purple, and > silver. >=20 > - "Guinness book of Records" holds the record for > being the book most often=20 > stolen from public libraries. >=20 >=20 > ______________________________________________________ > =20 >=20 >=20
begin 600 ATT00004.html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o You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Nov 17 04:02:20 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA06984 for ; Mon, 15 Nov 1999 22:53:07 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 15 Nov 1999 23:34:29 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 15 Nov 1999 23:54:10 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C0173142B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Where's the pool boy? There's some crud in the gene pool! Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 23:54:07 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 7637 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, November 15, 1999 6:54 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Where's the pool boy? There's some crud in the gene pool! Okay, now THESE are good! This is what working here was like back when Baughman and Dave P. worked here!=20 (Just kidding guys... well, kind of.. well, um... enjoy!) Scott > Technical Support Horror Stories >=20 > These are stories from technical support help desks > around the country. > =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D >=20 > One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to > install the batteries > in her laptop. When told that the directions were on > the first page of the > manual > the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for > this fucking thing, and > I'm not going to read the book." > =20 > >--------------------------------------< >=20 > >Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the > Open Desktop." > >Customer: "Ok." > >Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" > >Customer: "No." > >Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a > pop-up menu?" > >Customer: "No." > >Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you > have done up until this > point?" > >Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I > wrote 'click'." (At > this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell > the rest of the tech > support staff what had happened. I couldn't, > however, stop from laughing > when I got back to the call.) > >Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the > keyboard?" > >Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" >=20 >=20 > =20 > >--------------------------------------< >=20 > Customer: "I received the software update you sent, > but I am still getting > the same error message." >=20 > Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" >=20 > Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it ?" >=20 > >-------------------------------------< >=20 > Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft > Word." > Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." > Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." > Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me > what it says." > Customer: "It says 'Gateway Restore and Recovery > disk'." > Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." > Customer: "What?" > Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" > Customer "No..." >=20 > >-------------------------------------< >=20 > Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of > the screen, can you see > the 'OK' button displayed?" >=20 > Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from > there?" >=20 >=20 >=20 > >-------------------------------------< >=20 > Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your > software. I've got a fairly > old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says > is 'Bad command or =20 > file > name'." >=20 > Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: > drive-go to A:> \ and=20 > type > 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, > including 'INSTALL.EXE'. >=20 > Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. > Type 'INSTALL' again." >=20 > Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or > file name'." >=20 > Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct > place-it can't help=20 > but > do something. Are you sure you're typing > I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the=20 > Enter > key?" >=20 > Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, > still 'Bad command or > file name'." >=20 > Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure > you're typing > I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says > 'Enter'?" >=20 > Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, > so I'm using the 'M' > key...does that matter? >=20 > >------------------------------------< >=20 > At our company we have asset numbers on the front of > everything. They give > the location, name, and everything else just by > scanning the computer's > asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. >=20 > Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." >=20 > Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so > we can open an=20 > outage." >=20 > Customer: "What is that?" >=20 > Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of > your computer." >=20 > Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big > bar..." >=20 > =20 > >-------------------------------------< >=20 > Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me > this install disk, and=20 > now > my A: drive won't work." >=20 > Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" >=20 > Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad > disk, it got stuck in my > drive, now it won't work at all." >=20 > Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What > kind of error messages did > you get?" >=20 > Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk > got stuck in the drive > and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and > tried to get it out. That > didn't work either." >=20 > Tech Support: "You did what sir?" >=20 > Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the > disk out, but it > wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic > stuff a bit." >=20 > Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push > the eject button?" >=20 > Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and > melted it and used a > turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, > around the disk, and that=20 > got > it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out > fine. I can't believe you > would send me a disk that was broke and defective." >=20 > Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted > butter in your A:=20 > drive > and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this > point, I put the call on the > speaker > phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. >=20 > Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on > this, can you repeat what > you just said?" >=20 > Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get > your crappy disk out, > then I had to use pliers to pull it out." >=20 > Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that > was sticking out when > the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing > called the disk eject > button?" Silence. >=20 > Tech Support: "Sir?" >=20 > Customer: "Yes." >=20 > Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" >=20 > Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my > computer, or I am going=20 > to > sue you for breaking my computer?" >=20 > Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are > going to sue our company > because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't > follow the instructions we > sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, > didn't consult your > user's manual on how to use your computer properly, > instead proceeding to > pour butter into the drive and physically rip the > disk out?" >=20 > Customer: "Ummmm." >=20 > Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a > chance, since we do record > every call and have it on tape?" >=20 > Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed > to help!" >=20 >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Thu Nov 18 00:37:11 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA04149 for ; Wed, 17 Nov 1999 22:57:55 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Wed, 17 Nov 1999 23:39:15 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Wed, 17 Nov 1999 23:58:51 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C0173143B@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: The Beer Prayer Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 23:58:48 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1118 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, November 17, 1999 7:24 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: The Beer Prayer > Our lager, > Which art in barrels, > Hallowed be thy drink, > Thy will be drunk, > (I will be drunk), > At home as in the tavern. > Give us this day our foamy head, > And forgive us our spillages, > As we forgive those who spill against us. > And lead us not to incarceration, > But deliver us from hangovers, > For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager. > Forever and ever. > Beer Man. >=20 >=20 >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Sat Nov 20 00:20:19 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA27795 for ; Fri, 19 Nov 1999 23:04:25 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40324>; Fri, 19 Nov 1999 23:45:42 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 20 Nov 1999 00:05:15 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731453@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: interesting fact Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 00:05:12 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1354 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Friday, November 19, 1999 1:22 PM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: interesting fact > Your last odd day on earth > > Today is November 19th, 1999. > > The numerical format for today is 11-19-1999. > All of the digits are > odd. > > > > The next Odd day will be 1-1-3111 - which is > well over a > > thousand > > years away, which we will never see. > > > > Days such as 4-13-89 have both even and odd > digits, thus, it is > neither > > odd nor even. > > > > The next even day will be 2-2-2000 - the > first one since 8-28-1888. > > > > So, now you have a reason to celebrate this > Friday as it'll be > > your last odd day on Earth!!!!!! > > > > Have a nice odd day! __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Tue Nov 23 00:43:38 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA00581 for ; Mon, 22 Nov 1999 22:47:21 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40327>; Mon, 22 Nov 1999 23:28:42 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Mon, 22 Nov 1999 23:48:15 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731455@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: What Women Want Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1999 23:48:13 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1586 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, November 22, 1999 5:46 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: What Women Want I failed numbers 2,4,7,8,9, and 10. Oh well, better luck next time honey! ;-P > WHAT WOMEN WANT > Submitted by iVillager Alyson W. >=20 > What I Want In A Man, Original List >=20 > 1. Handsome > 2. Charming > 3. Financially Successful > 4. A Caring Listener > 5. Witty > 6. In Good Shape > 7. Dresses with Style > 8. Appreciates the Finer Things > 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises > 10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover >=20 > What I Want In A Man, Revised List >=20 > 1. Not too ugly > 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public > 3. Works steady > 4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting > 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes > 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the > furniture > 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh > underwear > 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids > 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down > 10. Shaves on weekends >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Wed Dec 1 03:22:26 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id JAA00480 for ; Tue, 30 Nov 1999 09:57:21 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40323>; Tue, 30 Nov 1999 10:38:40 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 30 Nov 1999 10:58:16 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731481@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Joke of the Day Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 10:58:12 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2410 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Tuesday, November 30, 1999 7:00 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Joke of the Day > Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a > chemist,=20 > and an engineer. For some reason all three offended > the king=20 > and were sentenced to die on the same day.=20 > =20 > The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was > led up to=20 > the guillotine.=20 > =20 > As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the > executioner=20 > asked, "Head up or head down?"=20 > =20 > "Head up," said the doctor.=20 > =20 > "Blindfold or no blindfold?"=20 > =20 > "No blindfold."=20 > =20 > So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing!=20 > Down came=20 > the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the > doctor's=20 > neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution > didn't=20 > succeed the first time the prisoner had to be > released, so the=20 > doctor was set free.=20 > =20 > Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.=20 > =20 > "Head up or head down?" said the executioner.=20 > =20 > "Head up."=20 > =20 > "Blindfold or no blindfold?"=20 > =20 > "No blindfold."=20 > =20 > So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing!=20 > Down came=20 > the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's > neck. =20 > Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't > succeed the=20 > first time the prisoner had to be released, so the > chemist was=20 > set free.=20 > =20 > Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.=20 > =20 > "Head up or head down?"=20 > =20 > "Head up."=20 > =20 > "Blindfold or no blindfold?"=20 > =20 > "No blindfold."=20 > =20 > So the executioner raised his axe, but before he > could cut the=20 > rope, the engineer yelled out:=20 > =20 > "WAIT! I see what the problem is!".=20 > =20 >=20 >=20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Thu Dec 2 06:42:37 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA27131 for ; Wed, 1 Dec 1999 23:15:37 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Wed, 1 Dec 1999 23:57:03 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 2 Dec 1999 00:16:37 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731483@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: An Official Visit Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 00:16:36 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4089 -----Original Message----- From: John Osmanski Sent: Wednesday, December 01, 1999 1:22 PM To: Kelly Niichel; Scott Lufkin; Gary Korte; Darrell DeGroote; Angela Blackley; Nathan Fisher Subject: FW: An Official Visit DEPARTMENT OF THE ARMY 366th Military Intelligence Battalion Fort Riley, Kansas 66442 ATZS-XXX 18 Nov 99 MEMORANDUM FOR 596th Signal Company Personnel Subject: Official visit of LTG S. Claus 1. An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec 1999. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit. a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office. b. All personnel will settle in their beds for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December 1999. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, Cotton, Light-Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "Season of Giving." c. Personnel will utilize standard MRE sugarplums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugarplums are available in MRE sundry packs and should be eaten with T-Ration egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3 prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging. e. At first notice of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order, OPLAN 980701 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March 1999, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 7642 prior to the start of official clatter. f. Prior to 0001 hrs, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown. g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Prancer, etc." 2. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 7642 through the dayroom. All rooms and offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec 1999. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit. 3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or, at the discretion of the NCOIC, "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC. B. MERRY LTC, MI Commanding ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com From - Sat Dec 4 07:00:36 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id AAA09996 for ; Sat, 4 Dec 1999 00:07:26 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Sat, 4 Dec 1999 00:48:47 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Sat, 4 Dec 1999 01:08:22 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C017314A4@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Christmas Songs for the Mentally Disturbed Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 01:08:19 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2413 -----Original Message----- From: John Osmanski Sent: Friday, December 03, 1999 11:31 AM To: Kelly Niichel; Angela Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Nathan Fisher; Chad Morrison; Gary Korte Subject: FW: Christmas Songs for the Mentally Disturbed Christmas Songs for the Mentally Disturbed: SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ....(better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. SSG Dave James Federal Post-Puberty Child Care Specialist, US Army, Ft Riley, KS (but not for very much longer) My webpage: http://www.angelfire.com/ks/damageinc/index.html ICQ# 14820694 "There is no spoon..." & "I know what you're thinking... I should'a took the BLUE pill!" - The Matrix ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com From - Tue Dec 7 12:31:00 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA10528 for ; Mon, 6 Dec 1999 23:06:25 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 6 Dec 1999 23:47:49 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 7 Dec 1999 00:07:20 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C017314B1@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Daily Jokes Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 00:07:18 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5660 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, December 06, 1999 5:31 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Daily Jokes=20 > The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned > ideas of marriage, and > passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your > husband see you in the > nude," she advised. "You should always wear > something." > "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. > Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her > brand-new husband were > preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has > there ever been any > insanity in your family?" > "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why? > "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and > every night you've worn that > silly hat to bed." >=20 > Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely > bride sitting in the > living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" > he says "what ever is the > matter, yer still in yer robe." > "Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I > didn't know what to do so I > called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says > and hung up. Danny, I > don't know what a specimen is." > "Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high > yerself up the stairs to Mrs. > Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." > Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs. > Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell > of a crash. Opening his > door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the > landing. > "Kate, what ever happened?" > "I told Mrs. Murphy what the doc said and she told > me to just piss in a > bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and > the fight was on." >=20 > Which is the bigger rip-off, ATM fees or shipping > and handling fees? > I've just discovered, to my regret, that the best > way to get back on your > feet is to quit making car payments. > If winners never quit and quitters never win, what > fool made up the > expression 'Quit while you're ahead?' >=20 > 15 Wicked Fake Names > 1. Hugh Jass > 2. Hugh G. Rection > 3. Stu Pitazz > 4. Ivana Dusche > 5. Heywood Jablowmi > 6. Mike Hunt > 7. Amanda Huggenkiss > 8. B.O. Problem > 9. Al Coholic > 10. I.P. Freely > 11. Oliver Clothesoff > 12. Homer Sexual > 13. Seymour Butz > 14. Mike Rotch > 15. Ivana Tinkle >=20 > Two guys are discussing one's upcoming > wedding..."I'm not sure if my future > bride is a virgin or not." > His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for > that. All you need is some > red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. > You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your > honeymoon, if she laughs > and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever > seen!' you hit her with the > shovel!" >=20 > To a blonde, what is long and hard? > Fourth Grade. >=20 > The difference between bathing suits of Now and Then > is that the bathing suits of the past required that > you open the suit to see the buttocks > The bathing suits today require that you open the > buttocks to see the suit. >=20 > A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing > plant in the Midwest. > He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a > gift. "No, thanks," says > the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once > and I didn't like it." > The sales rep shows his display case and then, > hoping to clinch a sale, > offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, > thanks," the plant manager > replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it." > Then the salesman glances out the officer window and > sees a golf course. "I > suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd > like to invite you to be a > guest at my club." > "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, > but I didn't like it." > Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me > introduce my son, Bill," > says the plant manager. > "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only > child?" >=20 > Criminal lawyer... Isn't that redundant? > Beautify America-Plant a lawyer! (Deep) > Bury a lawyer 12 feet under. Deep down they're nice. > How do you save a drowning lawyer? Throw him a rock. > How many lawyer jokes are there? 3, the rest are > true stories. > How to tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are > moving. > If law school is so hard, why are there so many > lawyers? > Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best > lawyer. > Lawyers: The best argument against gun control... > Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be > lawyers... > So many lawyers, so few bullets... > Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer. > The only good lawyer is a-naw, not even then... > What's brown and black, and looks good on a lawyer? > A Doberman. > Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman > scorned. > There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the > law and those who know > the judge >=20 > A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her > birthday and she > declared: "A baby brother." > "Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," > said her mom, "but > there isn't time before your birthday." > "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's > factory when they want > something in a hurry-put more men on the job." >=20 >=20 >=20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Tue Dec 7 12:31:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA11094 for ; Mon, 6 Dec 1999 23:09:21 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 6 Dec 1999 23:50:42 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 7 Dec 1999 00:10:17 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C017314B2@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: "Squawks" Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 00:10:14 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2298 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, December 06, 1999 5:38 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: "Squawks" > "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots > generally leave > for maintenance crews to fix before the next > flight. Here > are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots > and the > replies from the maintenance crews: >=20 > (P)=3DPROBLEM (S)=3DSOLUTION >=20 > (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement > (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire >=20 > (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough > (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft >=20 > (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid > (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 > propellers > lack normal seepage >=20 > (P) Something loose in cockpit > (S) Something tightened in cockpit >=20 > (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear > (S) Evidence removed >=20 > (P) DME volume unbelievably loud > (S) Volume set to more believable level >=20 > (P) Dead bugs on windshield > (S) Live bugs on order >=20 > (P) Autopilot in Altitude Hold Mode produces a 200 > feet > per minute descent > (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground >=20 > (P) IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative > (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode >=20 > (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick > (S) That's what they're there for >=20 > (P) Number three engine missing > (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search >=20 > (P) Aircraft handles funny > (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" > and be > serious >=20 > (P) Target Radar hums > (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Thu Dec 9 04:27:39 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA29710 for ; Wed, 8 Dec 1999 23:06:32 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Wed, 8 Dec 1999 23:47:56 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 9 Dec 1999 00:07:22 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C017314C3@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: jokes Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1999 00:07:21 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 4275 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, December 08, 1999 8:54 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: jokes ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^***^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* > THE SNEEZE!?!? >=20 > A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is > getting ready to take=20 > off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants > and wipes the end of his=20 > penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and > continues reading his =20 > magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just > saw. Then he sneezes again,=20 > unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a > handkerchief. The woman=20 > says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and > rude, and if you do it=20 > again, I am going to call the flight attendant and > have you removed from this=20 > plane. > He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I > have this very=20 > rare,embarrassing physical handicap that causes me > to orgasm every time I=20 > sneeze." > The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and > somewhat embarrassed by her > own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor > man, what are you taking=20 > for it?" > "Pepper," he answers. > =20 > ^***^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^= *^* >=20 > A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten > Commandments with her > five and six year olds. After explaining the > commandment to "honor thy=20 > father > and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment > that teaches us how to > treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a > beat one little boy (the > Oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not > kill." >=20 >=20 > ^***^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^= *^* > One day a little girl was sitting and watching her > mother do the dishes at > the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her > mother has severalstrands > of white hair sticking out in contrast on her > brunette head She looked > at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some > of your hairs white,=20 > Mom?" > Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do > something wrong and make > me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."=20 > The little girl thought > about this revelation for a while and then said, > "Momma, how > come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" >=20 >=20 > ^***^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^= *^* >=20 > The children had all been photographed, and the > teacher was trying to > persuade them each to buy a copy of the group > picture. "Just think how > nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown > up and say, > 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's > Michael. He's a doctor.'" > A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And > there's the > teacher. She's dead." >=20 >=20 > ^***^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^= *^* >=20 > A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of > the blood. Trying > to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if > I stood on my > head, the > blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would > turn red in the face." > "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that > while I am standing upright=20 > in the > ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my > feet?" > A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't > empty." >=20 >=20 > ^***^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^= *^* >=20 > On the first day of school, the Kindergarten > teacher said, "If anyone has to > go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little > voice from the back of > the room asked, "How will that help? >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Thu Dec 9 04:27:40 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA02938 for ; Wed, 8 Dec 1999 23:23:42 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Thu, 9 Dec 1999 00:05:03 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 9 Dec 1999 00:24:38 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C017314C4@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Har. Har. Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1999 00:24:35 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3107 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, December 08, 1999 12:18 PM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Har. Har. > Q: What is the definition of an engineer? > A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you > had, in a way you don't understand. >=20 > Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? > A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to > be > an undertaker. >=20 > Q: What do engineers use for birth control? > A: Their personalities. >=20 > Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? > A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes > instead > of his own. >=20 > Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? > A: Because they looked in the file and that's what > they > did last year. >=20 > Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? > A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and > fold > up a road map the wrong way. >=20 >=20 > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >=20 > You might be an engineer if... >=20 > .choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or > upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma. > .you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour > of > the engine room > ..in college you thought Spring Break was metal > fatigue failure. > .the sales people at the local computer store can't > answer any of your questions > .at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are > falling. > .you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her > birthday > ..you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. > .you can type 70 words per minute but can't read > your > own handwriting. > .you comment to your wife that her straight hair is > nice and parallel. > .you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see > how > they do the special effects. > .you have saved every power cord from all your > broken > appliances. > .you have more friends on the Internet than in real > life. > .you know what stands for. > .you look forward to Christmas so you can put the > kids' toys together. > .you see a good design and still have to change it. > .you spent more on your calculator than you did on > your wedding ring. > .you still own a slide rule and know how to use it. > .you think that people yawning around you are sleep > deprived. > .you window shop at Radio Shack > .your laptop computer costs more than your car. > .your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do > at > work. > .you've already calculated how much you make per > second. > .you've tried to repair a $5 radio. >=20 >=20 >=20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Fri Dec 10 04:11:41 1999 Return-Path: Received: from Prime-FE2.lvcablemodem.com (pop3.lvcablemodem.com [24.234.0.11]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id CAA09957 for ; Fri, 10 Dec 1999 02:05:03 -0600 (CST) Received: from pop3.lvcablemodem.com - 24.234.0.11 by lvcablemodem.com with Microsoft SMTPSVC; Fri, 10 Dec 1999 00:12:49 -0800 Received: from [24.234.39.70] (dhcp070.39.lvcm.com [24.234.39.70]) by pop3.lvcablemodem.com with SMTP (MailShield v1.5); Fri, 10 Dec 1999 00:12:49 -0800 X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express Macintosh Edition - 4.5 (0410) Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1999 00:05:48 -0800 Subject: FW: thoughts From: "Mark Noble" To: Nate Mime-version: 1.0 X-Priority: 3 Content-type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit Message-ID: <0d0674912080ac9PRIME-FE2@lvcablemodem.com> X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3782 ---------- From: "Michelle Noble" To: trencher@lvcm.com Subject: FW: thoughts Date: Thu, Dec 9, 1999, 6:55 PM ---------- From: DiehlR@aol.com To: AKDiehl@aol.com, bonkersmad@hotmail.com, Sarinafoxx@aol.com, star129@lvcm.com, krewerts@sbt.net, sundt@webtv.net Subject: thoughts Date: Thu, Dec 9, 1999, 1:45 PM FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY > > 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. > > 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. > > 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. > > 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. > > 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. > > 6. 99.9999999 percent of lawyers, give the rest a bad name. > > 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. > > 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be > misquoted, then used against you. > > 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. > > 10. Honk, if you love peace and quiet. > > 11. Remember half the people you know are below average. > > 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it > remains? > > 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. > > 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. > > 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. > > 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. > > 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > > 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the > cheese. > > 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. > > 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. > > 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. > > 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? > > 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. > > 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. > > 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. > > 27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and > going the wrong way. > > 28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you > tried. > > 29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. > > 30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need > it. > > 31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. > > 32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. > > 33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. > > 34. No one is listening until you make a mistake. > > 35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. > > 37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness > of the bread. > > 38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability > to reach it. > > 39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many > is research. > > 40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your > principles. > > 41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. > > 42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. > > 43. Two wrongs are only the beginning. > > 44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. > > 45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. > > 46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. > > 47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. > > 48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! > > 49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. > > 50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! > > 51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. > > 52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. > > 53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. > > > And Finally, > > 54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. From - Wed Nov 10 09:34:08 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA01133 for ; Tue, 9 Nov 1999 22:48:06 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Tue, 9 Nov 1999 23:29:30 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id <46GX81AT>; Tue, 9 Nov 1999 23:49:05 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01731403@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: (in response to) So stupid, you can't help but laugh. Hard. ( From my Father) Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 23:49:05 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2105 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Tuesday, November 09, 1999 9:27 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: (in response to) So stupid, you can't help but laugh. Hard. (From my Father) So everyone knows, I hate mushrooms, that will make the end make sense. Hey Dad, I got more coming to ya! ;) --- dclufkin@collins.rockwell.com wrote: > From: > To: Scott Lufkin > Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 11:15:25 -0600 > Subject: Re: So stupid, you can't help but laugh. > Hard. >=20 >=20 >=20 > There was once a florest shop in Cresco IA. that > was very popular. Now there > also happened to be a monistary near town that > opened up their own florost store > and became very competitive with the first mentioned > shop. Well, the owner > begged and pleaded with the fryer monks to stop > competing with him. But they > wouldn't comply. So he went to a fellow known for > his persuasiveness called > Hugh and paid him to go visit the monks. When Hugh > came back he proclaimed that > the monks no longer would sell flowers. The original > shop owner was very happy. > His sales came back up, and he was able to afford > to put his children through > collage. No one really new what Hugh had said to the > monks, but it's quite > obvious: only Hugh can prevent florest fryers. >=20 > And that Scott is in response to that lame joke you > sent me this morning. If > you ever send me another one like that I will add > mushrooms to every item of > food in your house. >=20 >=20 >=20 =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com From - Tue Dec 14 06:56:01 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA10752 for ; Mon, 13 Dec 1999 23:04:16 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Mon, 13 Dec 1999 23:45:34 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Tue, 14 Dec 1999 00:05:05 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C017314F5@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Jokes galore! Ah La Dave. Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1999 00:05:03 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 9527 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, December 13, 1999 6:38 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Jokes galore! Ah La Dave. > Why do people say ATM machine? The "M" stands for > machine. > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, but > dishwashing liquid made > with real lemons? > Life is a lot like a roll of toilet paper. The > closer it gets to the end, > the faster it goes. >=20 >=20 > Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from > the waist down? > A: Marriage. >=20 > Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a > Jewish mother? > A: You can negotiate with the terrorist >=20 > Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in > third grade. > Who has the biggest tits? > A: The blonde, because she's 18 >=20 > Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a > lawyer? > A: No one knows, there are some things even a blonde > won't do. >=20 > Dear Sun > Your paw has a new job, the first one in 48 years.=20 > We are a little better > of now and making so much money we don't know what > to do with it. Paw gits > $17.50 a weak, so we thought we oughter do some > fixin up. We sent to Monkey > Wards for one of them new bathrooms we been hearin > about. It took a plumber > to put it in shape. One side of the room has a big > box, somthin like a pig > trough, only you get in and wash all over. On the > other side is a little > thing call a sink, but yonder in the corner we realy > have somethin. You put > one foot in and wash it good, pull the chain and get > fresh water for the > other foot. Two lids came with the thing that we > aint got any use for in the > bathroom, so I's using one for a bread board and the > other one had a hole in > it, so I's using it for a frame for your > grandpappy's pictur. That companys > awful nice to do busines with. They sent us a roll > of writing paper with the > outfit, paw and me don't write much so I'm using it > to wrap paw's lunch in. > Take care of yourself > Maw and Paw >=20 > A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the > law school with his thumb > out. A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" > He tells him that he is > not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist > stops and asks, "Are you a > lawyer?" He again replies that he is not. The > motorist drives off. > A third motorist, this time a striking, voluptuous > blonde, stops, and asks, > "Are you a lawyer?" The hitchhiker says that he is. > The girl tells him to > get in, and off they go. After a few minutes of > admiring the driver, the > hitchhiker exclaims, "This is really something. I've > only been a lawyer for > five minutes, and already I'm thinking about > screwing somebody!" >=20 > A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner > has a large trucker sit > down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires > and a couple of > headlights." > Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the > cook, "I think this guy's in > the wrong store, look at what he ordered!" > The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs > sunny-side up." > The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. > He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't > order this!" > The young man tells him, "The cook says that while > you're waiting for your > parts you might as well gas up!" >=20 > Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your > date! >=20 > TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES > 10. Musical Recliners > 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta > 8. Hide and Go Pee > 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent > 6. Doc, Doc Goose > 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over > 4. Kick the Bucket > 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear > 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy > 1. Sag, You're It! >=20 >=20 > My wife is on a well-known diet plan, and so far > she's lost $300. >=20 > "Tell me again" asked the judge, "why you parked > there?" > The man answered respectfully, "because your honor > it is said fine for > parking." >=20 >=20 > Those drinking to forget please pay in advance. >=20 > Yo momma's so stupid, she took a taxi cab to a bus > stop >=20 > I phoned one of those "let's sue everyone > partnerships" that advertise on T. > V. I told them I wanted to sue them! I hurt myself > going for the remote to > turn them off. > Their response was "which member of the firm was > doing the commercial?" >=20 > Find your aim in life, before you run out of > ammunition. >=20 > Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes. >=20 > After much careful research, it has been discovered > that the artist Vincent > Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: > His obnoxious brother............................. > Please Gogh > His dizzy aunt > ....................................Verti Gogh > The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh > The constipated uncle > ..............................Cant Gogh > The brother who worked at a convenience > store.......Stopn Gogh > The grandfather from Yugoslavia.................. > .......U Gogh > The brother who bleached his clothes > white..........Hue Gogh > The cousin from > Illinois..........................Chica Gogh > His magician > uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh > His Mexican > cousin..................................Amee Gogh > The Mexican cousin's American half > brother..........Grin Gogh > The ballroom dancing > aunt...........................Tan Gogh > A sister who loved > disco............................Go Gogh > The nephew who drove a stage coach > ..............Wellsfar Gogh > The bird lover uncle..........................Flamin > Gogh > His nephew > psychoanalyst............................E Gogh > The fruit loving > cousin.............................Man Gogh > An aunt who taught positive > thinking..............Wayto Gogh > The little bouncy nephew......................Poe > Gogh > And his niece who travels the country in a > van......Winnie Bay Gogh >=20 > A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that > in his country there is > 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. > A gent form Florida listened incredulously. "Why > that's amazing. Where I > come from there's only one way." > "Just one?", Futh asked. "And which way is that?" > "Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and > there's a woman-" > "Praise Allah!!", exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!" >=20 > A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers > complains to the doctor, "I > believe I am losing my mind...I can't remember > ANYTHING over five minutes!" > The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, > "Just take off all your > clothes, miss, and lie down..." >=20 > Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty > for. > The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it > before you realize it's > a do-it-yourself thing >=20 > I shall always decide not to decide, unless of > course I decide to change my > mind. >=20 > A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is > a talking dog," he > said. "And you can have him for five dollars." > The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding > with this talking dog > stuff? There ain't no such animal." > Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. > "Please buy me, sir," he > pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a > meal, never bathes me, never > takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest > trick dog in America. I > performed before kings. I was in the army and was > decorated ten times." > "Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you > want to sell him for just > five dollars?" > "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of > all his lies." >=20 > There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they > come across a golden frog, > they think this is an amazing discovery and they are > even more amazed when > it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he > doesn't often meet people, > but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells > them that they can have > 3 wishes each. > The bear immediately asks that all the other bears > in the forest be female. > Which the frog immediately does. > The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a > crash helmet and one > appears, which he places on his head. > The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his > next wish, he asks that > all the bears in the neighboring forests be female > as well, and thus it is > so! > The rabbit then wishes that he could have a > motorcycle, it appears before > him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the > engine. The bear cannot > believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has > wasted two wishes that he > could of had for himself. > Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all > the other bears in the > world be female as well.' The frog replies that it > has been done and they > both turn to the rabbit for his last wish. > The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a > second, and then says:- "I > wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives > off as fast as he can! >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Thu Dec 16 06:44:42 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id CAA29885 for ; Thu, 16 Dec 1999 02:34:05 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40321>; Thu, 16 Dec 1999 03:15:28 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) id ; Thu, 16 Dec 1999 03:35:03 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01925FB9@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Blond jokes... (a whole lot of 'em) Date: Thu, 16 Dec 1999 03:35:03 -0500 X-Priority: 3 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1457.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 5392 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, December 15, 1999 12:26 PM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Blond jokes... (a whole lot of 'em) > Brunette: "How's your insomnia?" > Blonde: "Even worse. Now I can't sleep at work." > The doctor told the blonde she was iron deficient, > so she took up nail > biting. > What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if > she could lick the bowl? > "Just flush it like everybody else does." > What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape? > A retarded ape. > Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom > attendant? > She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand > dryer! > Hear about the blonde explorer? > Yeah, she bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it > was a map of the Sahara > Desert. > Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo? > She drowned her horse! > Hear about rich blonde who bought a black and white > dog? It was cheaper > than a colored dog, and she thought Ted Turner could > colorize it for her. > Did you hear about the blonde bank robber? > She tied up the safe and blew the guard! > How can you tell a blonde from an ape? > The ape peels the banana before eating it. >=20 > How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse? > She can make a patient without disturbing the bed. > Why do blondes fear the middle age crisis? > Middle aged is when the broad mind and the narrow > waist exchange places. > What does a blonde have in common with the United > States Army? > They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen > and thirty-five. > Why did the blonde cross the road? > Forget about that, what the hell was she doing out > of bed in the first > place? > Why do blondes flock around the Police > sharpshooters? They heard > sharpshooters have a reputation for being excellent > crack shots. > The horny blonde says, "Wanna play carnival? > "That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess > your weight." > Doctor: "Take one of these pills 3 times a day." > Blonde Patient: "How do I take a pill more than > once?" > Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?" > Blonde Patient: "Yes. I've been practicing all > night." > Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a > problem with her bed? > She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the > bed spread. > How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash? > She's the one on her bike. > How can you tell if the blonde biker is an > aristocrat? > No spelling errors on her tattoo. > What's the definition of a blonde? > A life-support system for a vagina. >=20 > A man was walking home from work and noticed a line > of women outside a > funeral home. He asked the last lady in line, "Who > died? She replied > ,"Oooooh, Big John's dead." > This didn't mean anything to the man, so he asked > another one. She replied, > "Oooooh, Big John's dead." Each one he asked gave > the same reply, so, he > went in with the casket and there was a man with the > biggest penis he had > ever seen. So big in fact, they couldn't even get > it in his pants to bury > him. > He thought to himself, this guy doesn't need it > anymore and his wife would > enjoy it and have something to talk to her > girlfriends about, so, he took > his knife and cut it off and wrapped it up in his > newspaper. > He got home with it and told his wife, "Come here, > honey I have a surprise > for you. She came and unwrapped the newspaper and > said "Oooooh, Big John's > dead." >=20 > There was an old pirate named Bates > Who was learning to rumba on skates. > He fell on his cutlass > Which rendered him nutless > And practically useless on dates. >=20 > What do you call cheese that isn't yours? > Nacho Cheese. >=20 > A hole has been found in a nudist colony wall. > Police are said to be looking > into it. >=20 > A beautiful young lady having just returned from a > magnificent week long > vacation in a South American republic, walked into > the local bank & asked > about exchanging currency. The teller said he would > try to help her. > The lass plopped a huge wad of bills onto the > counter & the teller then > counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count > out $27.18. The > wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's > all I get for that > mountain of bills ?" "I'm afraid so Miss." replied > the teller, "That's the > current rate of exchange according to our foreign > exchange section." > "God Damn." she hissed, "And I gave that cheap S.O.B > breakfast too." >=20 > Tom Cahill had proposed to young Maureen and was > being interviewed by his > prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are > earning enough to support > a family?" the older man asked the suitor. > "Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I'm sure I am." > "Think carefully now," said Maureen's father. "There > are twelve of us..." >=20 >=20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Tue Dec 28 00:25:13 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA14200 for ; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:07:16 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:48:42 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) id ; Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:08:07 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01925FCE@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: how to satisfy a man??? Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:08:06 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 2069 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, December 20, 1999 5:54 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: how to satisfy a man??? com >=20 > A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her > mother bake=20 > biscuits in the kitchen. > =20 > "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy > after > all these=20 > years of marriage?" > =20 > The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough > on > the floor,=20 > hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the > dough > up with=20 > her snatch. > =20 > "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll > guarantee > that your man=20 > will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said > her > mother. > =20 > So the girl practiced and practiced until her > wedding > night. While=20 > her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she > emerged=20 > wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit > dough. > =20 > She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, > lifted her=20 > negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting > to > only pick up=20 > the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of > gas, > which=20 > made a thunderous growling sound. > =20 > Her husband startled, jumped from the bed and > backed > away. > =20 > "What's wrong honey?" she asked. > =20 > He replied, " Shit woman!" as he stepped further > away. > =20 > "If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I > sure > as hell don't want=20 > to tease it with meat!" >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Tue Dec 28 00:25:14 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA14570 for ; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:09:06 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:50:32 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) id ; Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:10:05 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01925FCF@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Jokes Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:10:02 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3534 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, December 20, 1999 11:05 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Jokes > Why do gorillas have big nostrils? > Because they have big fingers. >=20 > What's the difference between an oral thermometer > and a rectal thermometer? > The taste. >=20 > Fight Crime: Shoot Back! >=20 > A man went to his doctor seeking help for his > terrible addiction to cigars. > The doctor was quite familiar with his very > compulsive patient, so > recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of > aversion therapy. > "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your > cigars, unwrap it, and stick > it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, > rewrap it, and place it back > with all the others in such a fasion as you can't > tell which one it is. The > aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of > them, not knowing which is > the treated cigar." > "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three > weeks later he came back > and saw the doctor again. > "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was > supposed to be effective even > in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" > "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able > to transfer my > addiction," said the patient. > "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" > "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't > go to sleep at night > unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass." >=20 > A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick > in the ass. >=20 > Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed > for 70mph. >=20 > The Top 13 International Ways to Leave Your Lover > Kick her in the rear, Vladamir. > Put the pedal to the metal, Gretel. > Fire up the Jaguar, Dagmar. > Tell her to shave her armpit hair, Pierre. > Put on her underpants, Hans. > Blow up her car, Moammar. > Complain about her cous-cous, Boutros-Boutros. > Push him in the Yangtze, Xiao Li. > Lock her in the john, Juan. > Ditch her at the Kabuki, Teruyuki. > Knock up another chick, Mick. > Tell her you're gay, Jose. > Just show her that sore, Thor. >=20 > A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny > bikini. She went home and put > it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. > She asked, "What do you > think mom?" > Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that > when I was your age, > you'd be five years older!" >=20 > Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash > it where no other bastard > can find it. >=20 > Q. What goes "zzub zzub" and flys up in the air? > A. A bumble bee in reverse gear. >=20 >=20 > Q: What is 26 feet long and smells like urine? > A: A line dance at a nursing home >=20 > I always keep a coathanger in the glove box - just > in case I locked my keys > in the car. >=20 >=20 > My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains > - he used to tie me to > the tracks! ...And he to used to give me bath toys > like electric toasters > and hair dryers. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Tue Dec 28 00:25:15 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA14703 for ; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:09:55 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:51:17 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) id ; Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:10:47 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01925FD0@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Need a Bull Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:10:45 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1885 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Monday, December 20, 1999 11:12 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Need a Bull > A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch > together in Louisiana. > They > decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to > increase their herd. > The > brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars > and goes to Texas to > buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old > cowboy that will sell > her a > bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or > leave it." > =20 > She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram > office and says: "I'd > like > to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that > says; Have found the > stud > bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." > =20 > The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to > anywhere in the > U.S. > are > $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment > and decides. "I'd > like > to send one word, please." "And what word would > that be?" inquires > the > man. "Comfortable." replies the brunette. > =20 > The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend > gonna understand > this > telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is > blonde and reads REAL > slow, > when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL." > =20 >=20 __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products. All in one place. Yahoo! Shopping: http://shopping.yahoo.com From - Tue Dec 28 00:25:16 1999 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (ftp.telethinking.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id XAA16121 for ; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:18:16 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40322>; Mon, 27 Dec 1999 23:59:43 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) id ; Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:19:10 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01925FD1@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: A Soldier's Christmas Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 00:19:07 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 3040 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Friday, December 24, 1999 6:12 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: A Soldier's Christmas > > SOLDIER'S STORY > > 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, > > HE LIVED ALL ALONE, > > IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF > > PLASTER AND STONE. > > I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY > > WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, > > AND TO SEE JUST WHO > > IN THIS HOME DID LIVE. > > I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, > > A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, > > NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, > > NOT EVEN A TREE. > > NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, > > JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, > > ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES > > OF FAR DISTANT LANDS. > > WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, > > AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, > > A SOBER THOUGHT > > CAME THROUGH MY MIND. > > FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, > > IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, > > I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, > > ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY. > > THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, > > SILENT, ALONE, > > CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR > > IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. > > THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, > > THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER, > > NOT HOW I PICTURED > > A UNITED STATES SOLDIER. > > WAS THIS THE HERO > > OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? > > CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, > > THE FLOOR FOR A BED? > > I REALIZED THE FAMILIES > > THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, > > OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS > > WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. > > SOON ROUND THE WORLD, > > THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, > > AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE > > A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. > > THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM > > EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, > > BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, > > LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE. > > I COULDN'T HELP WONDER > > HOW MANY LAY ALONE, > > ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE > > IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. > > THE VERY THOUGHT > > BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE, > > I DROPPED TO MY KNEES > > AND STARTED TO CRY. > > THE SOLDIER AWAKENED > > AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, > > "SANTA DON'T CRY, > > THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE; > > I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, > > I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, > > MY LIFE IS MY GOD, > > MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS." > > THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER > > AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, > > I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, > > I CONTINUED TO WEEP. > > I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, > > SO SILENT AND STILL > > AND WE BOTH SHIVERED > > FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. > > I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE > > ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, > > THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR > > SO WILLING TO FIGHT. > > THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, > > WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, > > WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, > > IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE." > > ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, > > AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. > > "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, > > AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT." > > From - Thu Jan 6 00:20:23 2000 Return-Path: Received: from ronweb.com (www.ronweb.com [199.244.165.220]) by ultra1.pitnet.net (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id WAA22086 for ; Wed, 5 Jan 2000 22:50:24 -0600 (CST) Received: from gateway.ronweb.com ([10.1.10.202]) by gateway.ronweb.com with ESMTP id <40334>; Wed, 5 Jan 2000 23:31:47 -0500 Received: by CTHQ1E01 with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) id ; Wed, 5 Jan 2000 23:51:12 -0500 Message-ID: <2FD99C4CD318D111BE0300A0C981D39C01926001@CTHQ1E01> From: Nathan Fisher To: "'home'" Subject: FW: Goals to strive for.. MIME-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1460.8) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 23:31:37 -0500 X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 1806 -----Original Message----- From: Scott Lufkin [mailto:slufkin@yahoo.com]=20 Sent: Wednesday, January 05, 2000 6:58 AM To: Bart Auringer; John Baughman; Angelea Blackley; Darrell DeGroote; Jessica Ellison; Nathan Fisher; Joe Fuxa; Adam Geerts; Nita Geerts; Eric=A0" Kerkove; Gary Korte; Dave Lufkin; Kendra Lynk; Peggy Lynk; = Gill M; Niki Maroko; Scott Mcchesney; Todd Miller; Chad Morrison; Kelly Niichel; Lisa Osby; John Osmanski; John Rubenbauer; Chad Schallock; Scott Stillman; Suanne Stultz; Marcus Weaver; Scott Westphall; Nicole Wilson Subject: Goals to strive for.. > Big Dog is showing Little Dog around the block. > "Sniff, sniff. > Smell that?" asks Big Dog. > "Sniff, sniff. Sure do," says Little Dog, "what is > it?" > "Fifi's in heat, come on, I'll show you what to do." > So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to hump Fifi. > "Sniff, sniff. Smell that?" asks Big Dog. > "Sniff, sniff. Sure do, what's that?" asks Little > Dog. > "Garbage. Come on, I'll show you what to do." > So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to raid the garbage > can. Pretty soon, Big > Dog goes over to the fire hydrant and takes a leak > on it. > "Wait a minute," says Little Dog, "I understand > about Fifi and I understand > about the garbage, but what is this hiking on the > hydrant thing?" > "Hey," says Big Dog, "if you can't screw it and you > can't eat it, piss on > it!" >=20 >=20 > To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age: > At age 4, success is not peeing in his pants > At age 16, success is "gettin' a little" > At age 50, success is about career and family > At age 65, success is "gettin' a little" > At age 90, success is not peeing in his pants __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger. http://messenger.yahoo.com